Well, it’s about time!

How refreshing to find somebody taking a stab at an Irish creme-flavored somethin’-or-other for St. Patty’s Day. Green food coloring? Snooze. Artificial mint extract? Been there, clogged that artery.

But whiskey, creme, and cocoa, all wrapped up in a pillow of cakey dough? Now that’s a breakfast of bold hooligans. Bold hooligans like you and me, so, with the blood of my Irish ancestors pulsing through my wee little veins, I dodged my regular glazed cake and nabbed this fella.

Yes, indeedy, that is my vessel of morning justice. Oval-esque and a bit wonky, it reminds me of Gilly, the pet rock I had as a child. Fortunately, unlike a pet rock, this is edible, coated in sugar, and won’t get lost in a tragic river rafting accident.

Now, to dive in…

The cake, which was fresh from the fryer, is puffy enough, if a little dry and tasteless, but I’m accustomed to that in a Dunkin’ do[ugh]nut. Now, to counteract that, there resides plenty of this beige, Irish-creme-like palm oil goo, which fills about 1/3 of the cake’s interior, but, like the mutagen that created the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, this goo can be used for creation…or destruction.

They say love blinds a person. If that’s true, someone loves sweetness in the Dunkin’ Donuts testing facilities because, holy bag of potatoes, Batman, the creme’s definitely sweet, which is a good thing in that it adds some sense of flavor, but I fear it also might make my great grandmother rise from her Irish grave and knock me right in the cake-hole fer consumin’ a product that defies all them laws of what Irish creme should be!

“But grandma!” I’d say, “This particular interpretation of Irish creme focuses on the beverage’s sharp condensed milk flavor!” She would then argue that there’s very little dimension to counteract that flavor, like cocoa or espresso or whiskey. On this, she would be right: where’s the whiskey? I demand whiskey in my palm oil!

However, if I put my expectations of Irish creme authenticity aside, the filling tastes okay. Like vanilla pudding and Cool Whip mixed with a hint of coffee medicine from some sort of Kahlúa flavoring. It wants to be bitter, but just can’t help but stick to its sugary ways. A little dip in the chocolate frosting might’ve added some contrast to help this guy stand up to its fellow pudgy rounds.

I really wanted to find myself scrounging for crumbs here, but, no matter how hard I try, I just can’t finish the whole thing. Alas, this one has fallen victim to one-dimension-ness.

“Et tu, Brute?”

(A little ode to the Ides of March there)

Oh, if only it were simple to create a mass-marketed success. Innovators cast the dice, but they can never be absolutely sure about how a product will fall, and this one fell off its rocker somewhere. Is it terrible? Nope. Will I buy it again? Ehhh… I’d rather have a Girl Scout cookie.

However, while not great, I would be sad if the Irish Creme offering left forever to be replaced by some Smo-Joe green-glazed doughnut. It gets props for innovation, and, at the same time, it could use some help in the flavor department. Don’t give up on it, important people at Dunkin’. With a quick dip in a vat of glaze or a reformulation of the filling, this doughnut has potential.

(Nutrition Facts – 260 calories, 135 calories from fat, 15 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 350 milligrams of sodium, 0 milligrams of potassium, 29 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 10 grams of sugars, and 3 grams of protein.)

Item: Dunkin’ Donuts Irish Creme Donut
Purchased Price: $1.00
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Dunkin’ Donuts
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Sweet. Pudding-like filling. Plenty of filling. Cake is puffy. Not nasty. Innovative. Irish ancestors. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Gilly, my pet rock.
Cons: Too sweet at times. Bland cake. Dry cake. Wimpy powdered sugar dust. Gets boring. Absence of whiskey. The fact that “not nasty” is in the pros. The Ides of March. Being haunted by my great grandmother.

So I’ve had cookies on my mind lately. 

It started when I volunteered to review Dunkin’ Donuts’ latest summer creation, the Oreo Vanilla Bean Coolatta, which I’ve had at least four of in recent weeks.  Then we brought Chips Ahoy! to my family reunion, always a massive affair thanks to my great-grandparents being really great at procreating.  Finally, my wife had me watch Cookie Monster’s cover of “Call Me Maybe” because one of her old sorority sisters is a background dancer in it.  Now every day I find myself humming, “Hey, me just met you, and this is crazy / But you got cookie, so share it maybe?”  (On the plus side, he harmonizes better than Carly Rae Jepsen.)

As you might surmise from my multiple trips to the well, there are a lot of good things to say about the Oreo Coolatta.  It’s always nice when I’m able to review something I was planning to try anyway, and this for sure qualifies.  Non-coffee drinkers sometimes struggle to find something at DD to wash down a nice chocolate glazed, and the vanilla bean Coolatta was the answer to my prayers, so long as I don’t mind having the shakes for the rest of the day.  Which I don’t.  Still, I’ve always believed variety is the spice of life, as long as it’s an incredibly minor modification of something you already know you like.  And I was pretty sure this would essentially be just a Vanilla Bean Coolatta with Oreo pieces mixed into it.

Which, as it turns out, is pretty much what it is.  There are two new Coolatta varieties, Oreo Coffee Coolatta and Oreo Vanilla Bean Coolatta.  I didn’t try the coffee variety, though one might infer that it would taste a bit like a mochaccino with a different, grittier kind of chocolate.  But if you’ve ever had a standard Vanilla Bean Coolatta before, you have a pretty good idea what to expect, which is to say: pure awesomeness.  They have (at least at the beginning) a great consistency, not too thick to slurp through the straw, but not so liquid-y that it’s like drinking a soda.  Except in terms of sweetness, because damn.  I know I joked about it earlier, but seriously, you need a hearty sweet tooth to enjoy this beverage.  People content with an apple as their main sweet for the day need not apply.

So with the excellent Vanilla Bean Coolatta as its base, it was just a matter of making sure the addition of Oreo didn’t throw things out of whack, right?  Potential problems might’ve included the Oreo pieces being too large to comfortably fit through the straw, leading to blockages or making the overall consistency too thick.  But that wasn’t an issue — the Oreo bits, while easily visible, are small enough that the overall consistency remains the same.

The texture, however, is a bit grittier, as you’d expect.  And the taste is understandably similar, though not identical.  Still extremely sweet, but with that highly distinctive chocolate flavor that I’m struggling to describe other than “tastes like an Oreo.”  It’s not quite as rich as an actual Oreo cookie, but it still makes the Coolatta a bit more nuanced than the regular Vanilla Bean variety.  It also creates a distinct aftertaste, leaving you tasting the chocolate well after the vanilla bean has faded from your tongue.

I should clarify that I can’t say for a fact that this is just the standard Vanilla Bean Coolatta with Oreo bits in it.  Oreos obviously have a creme filling too, and it’s possible DD has added a little of that creme to the vanilla base.  I honestly can’t swear to it one way or the other, but if they have, it’s fairly subtle.  Which should not in any way dissuade you from trying what has turned out to be one of this summer’s best treats.  The price is a bit steep and it goes without saying you’re not allowed to drink one without an insulin IV, but you can’t quibble with the taste.  Om nom nom!

(Nutrition Facts — 1 small Coolatta — 420 calories, 80 calories from fat, 9 grams of fat, 4 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 230 milligrams of sodium, 88 grams of carbohydrates, 75 grams of sugar, 1 gram of fiber, and 3 grams of protein.)

Item: Dunkin’ Donuts Oreo Vanilla Bean Coolatta
Purchased Price: $2.99
Size: 16 fl. oz.
Purchased at: Dunkin’ Donuts
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Doesn’t taste like coffee.  Oreo bits are just the right size.  Chocolate is a nice addition but doesn’t overwhelm the beverage.  Very minor variety.  Let’s get skim milk flowing, we’ll start this snack going, baby.
Cons: A little pricey.  Really, really, just crazy really sweet.  Not nearly as enjoyable when it starts melting.  Family reunions where they order about 8 mushroom pizzas and only one plain, like, WTFingF?

Is it me, or is Dunkin’ Donuts just constantly trying out new stuff?  I’ve been with TIB for a year and a half, and I swear they’ve rolled out at least a half dozen different products within that time.  And that’s just hot foods; I’m not even counting new donuts or drinks.  Far be it from me to tell a massive multinational conglomerate how to run their business, but is that really productive?  How is there even time to analyze market data on how a product is being received before it’s gone and replaced by something new?

But ultimately, that’s not what we’re here to answer; you’re wondering whether DD’s latest offering, the Angus Steak & Egg Sandwich, is worth a try.  Or you’re bored at work and they’ve disabled Minesweeper on your computer.  Either way, let’s get down to business.  The Steak & Egg sandwich is being marketed as a very masculine sandwich.  It drinks whiskey straight from the bottle.  It has only cried twice in its life.  (Its father’s funeral and at the end of Old Yeller.)  And if there’s truth in advertising, it will help you “Show Your Morning Who’s Boss. ” This is a sandwich for men, manly men, the kind who build skyscrapers, tame wild animals, and “wear the big boss pants.”  Stay away, ladies — you couldn’t handle this sandwich.  Why, one bite would send you scurrying back home to your momma.  Angus doesn’t need you and it doesn’t want you.

Hopefully that’s also true of the men who’ll be consuming it, since the Angus Steak & Egg comes standard on an onion bagel, meaning you won’t be locking lips with anyone after eating it.  That’s okay, real men don’t have time for kissing anyway.  Since I’m a writer and thus not particularly manly, I got mine on a plain bagel, but be aware you have to ask for that — onion is the default, which could be a nasty surprise if you’re not expecting it.  On a plain bagel, it smells good, though not substantially different from most breakfast sandwiches; in other words, the cheese and egg contribute more to the aroma than the steak does.

Appearance-wise, it looks… above average.  The cheese, steak, and egg are all clearly visible within the sandwich from almost any angle, and when you remove the top you see they didn’t skimp on any of the components.  As the picture illustrates, my bagel got burnt, but hopefully that was user error specific to my server instead of just the way they’re made.  On the other hand, the cheese was quite melted, which is great.  Can’t complain about the size of the Angus patty, though I’ll offer that it looks more like a standard fast food hamburger than anything you’d actually think of when hearing the word “steak.”

As for the taste, it’s quite good, assuming you’re able to manage your expectations.  If you’re genuinely expecting the equivalent of a nice porterhouse or New York Strip steak on your mass-produced breakfast sandwich, well, I guess you’re out of luck.  (Also, dumb.)  It tastes a bit like adding eggs to a cheesesteak, and I don’t mean that as a criticism.  I found that the combo of the cheese, egg, and steak melded well together in my mouth, warm and savory with reasonable juiciness.  The bagel was decent, crisp enough but, again, relatively burnt.  Taken as a whole, the sandwich was both filling and tasty.

Not nearly as impressed was I by tearing off a small piece of just the steak.  It’s not bad, but fair or not, the word “Angus” conjures up a certain beef pedigree that can be hard to live up to.  This is like Angus’s great-grandson, the one who gets a cushy executive job at the family business and is told to just show up most days and try not to knock up his secretary.  And like a 4th generation executive, it seems much more impressive when bolstered up by the hard work of its undervalued support staff, eggs and cheese.  Together they make a good team and can actually capitalize on the steak’s strengths while effectively masking its limitations.  For that reason, I’d call the Angus Steak & Egg Sandwich a relative success and encourage you to try one sometime in the next two weeks, before it gets replaced by the Lobster Bisque Croissant or whatever.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 sandwich – 630 calories, 230 calories from fat, 26 grams of total fat, 12 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 255 milligrams of cholesterol, 1390 milligrams of sodium, 67 grams of total carbohydrates, 4 grams of dietary fiber, 4 grams of sugars, and 34 grams of protein)

Other Dunkin’ Donuts Angus Steak & Egg Sandwich reviews:
Fast Food Geek
Grub Grade

Item: Dunkin’ Donuts Angus Steak & Egg Sandwich
Price: $3.99
Size: 1 sandwich
Purchased at: Dunkin’ Donuts
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Always something new to try.  Good smell.  Cheese is melted nicely.  A sandwich that’ll put hair on your chest.  Doesn’t skimp on the egg or steak patty.  Won’t stick around long enough to get boring.  Cheese and egg meld nicely with the steak for a savory taste.
Cons: Onion bagels.  Burnt.  Women who come within 10 feet of this sandwich often become spontaneously pregnant.  85%(!) of your recommended daily intake of cholesterol, and 58% of the sodium.  The steak on its own is uninspired.

I don’t eat breakfast on-the-go very often, usually opting for a simple bowl of cereal and some OJ at the kitchen table with my kids.  Very Norman Rockwell.  But on rare occasions — like if between the baby and me it’s been a 3-diaper-change morning, or one where I have to shave, put the garbage out, AND explain why you can wear the sparkle shoes or the pink shoes but not the pink sparkle shoes — well, I might have to skip the suburban flakes and grab something on the way.  When that happens, it’s always Dunkin’ Donuts and I invariably get the same thing: a bismark, and a chocolate glazed (January-August) or pumpkin donut (September-December).  This does not change, because while there are other donuts I like, those are the best.  Feel free to disagree (everyone should take up a lost cause once in their life), but it should help you understand why I recently confused myself by walking into DD and not only not getting my usual order, but not getting a breakfast food whatsoever. 

That is, of course, due to DD’s latest offering, the Texas Toast Grilled Cheese.  Sort of a lunchtime offshoot of the recent Big N’ Toasty Breakfast Sandwich, your first thought on seeing one might be that it looks like they took the BN’T and stripped out the bacon and eggs.  And… there would be a lot of truth to that, as it does play sort of the basic model compared to the fully loaded BN’T.  To be specific, the new sandwich is two thick pieces of Texas toast with two slices of American cheese and one slice of cheddar in between.  The whole thing is ironically oven toasted rather than grilled, served hot (or in my case, kinda warm).

Any good grilled cheese sandwich obviously lives or dies by the cheese.  If you were hoping the Double D was going to get esoteric with their diary selection, guess again — American and cheddar are about the most predictable options they could’ve gone with.  The other side of that coin is that those are the most popular cheeses because they’re both really good.  However, I still think DD might’ve increased this sandwich’s mass appeal by giving us a few options to choose from, like Monterey Jack or Swiss.  But they didn’t, so you’ll get American and cheddar and like it.  And I did, mostly.  The cheddar had just a bit of kick to it, slightly sharp, which I like in a cheddar.  But it was mostly overwhelmed by the decent but standard American cheese, no doubt due to the 2:1 ratio.  Both kinds were melted well, another key component of any successful grilled cheese.  Overall, my impression of the cheeses was that they’re pretty good, but not exactly lighting the world on fire.

Ironically, my favorite part might’ve been what’s traditionally the most boring aspect of a sandwich, namely the bread.  Texas toast is one of those foods that’s fantastic when done well but really disappointing if it’s either under-toasted or burned.  Fortunately mine was just the right texture, toasted perfectly so that it was soft enough to easily dig into, but with enough crunch to feel satisfying.  It also tasted buttery, another must-have.

But that’s really it, because the cheese and the bread are the only two components of the sandwich.  Apparently it can be customized with bacon or ham, but DD might be shooting themselves in the foot by not better advertising that — I didn’t see any such option listed on the menu and my server didn’t offer it.  Which is a shame — I would’ve been willing to throw in a few more cents or a saucy wink in exchange for meat, because that’s the kind of carniv-whore I am.  Other than the missing pork, I didn’t mind too much because I’m a sandwich minimalist, but those who like to indulge in things like “pickles” and “condiments” and “fixins” will no doubt be left wanting worse than my high school girlfriend.  You know, when she didn’t get into the college she wanted.  Obviously.

Finally, not for nothing, but the fat and sodium content are more worrisome than my longstanding crush on Erin Esurance.  (Whatever, I’m not the only one.  The internet told me so!)  The sandwich is pretty filling, but unless it’s the only thing you’re eating for lunch, it could easily have you packing on the ell-bees.  I know, unlike the rest of Dunkin’ Donuts’ fare, but still.  Moderation is advised.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 sandwich – 510 calories, 270 calories from fat, 30 grams of fat, 13 grams of saturated fat, 940 milligrams of sodium, 41 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of sugar, and 18 grams of protein)

Item: Dunkin’ Donuts Texas Toast Grilled Cheese Sandwich
Price: $2.99
Size: 1 sandwich
Purchased at: Dunkin’ Donuts
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Breaking out of your routine.  A little bite to the cheddar.  Melty, melty, melty.  Crunchy Texas toast.  Buttery flavor.  Fairly filling.  Ability to add meat.
Cons: Not publicizing the ability to add meat.  High fat and sodium content.  Lacking in the ingredients department.  No additional cheese selections.  I can make this exact sandwich in my kitchen in 5 minutes.