I am by no means an expert on calendars. Yes, I can name the 12 months in order and even know which ones have 30 or 31 days. OK, I mostly know. August always gets me. I also know that early April is what people like to refer to as spring, and summer doesn’t come around until sometime in June. The fine folks at Dairy Queen apparently know even less than I do about how a calendar works, as they have just released their Summer Blizzard Menu, which includes three new concoctions and three returning flavors. After trying the new Ultimate Cookie Blizzard, I am quite happy about DQ’s complete disregard for chronology.

As you might have guessed, the Ultimate Cookie is loaded with cookies, and I mean loaded. It includes Oreo, Chips Ahoy, and Nutter Butter cookies, and the ultimate moniker of this version is spot-on. This might be the crunchiest Blizzard I’ve ever had, and that made it delightful. Every bite had the satisfying texture of the soft serve offset by a constant cookie crunch.

As for the taste, that also landed in the ultimate range. The Oreo cookies bring that famous chocolate flavor that is a part of so many Blizzard combinations, and the Nutter Butter cookies contribute a strong peanut butter taste but in a different way compared to Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. I love having PB cups in a Blizzard, but Nutter Butter might be even better. They seem to provide a more robust peanut butter flavor that can stand up to the chocolate without being secondary, as PB cups can sometimes be because they also contain chocolate. This Blizzard gave me more of a chocolate and peanut butter vibe than an Oreo and PB cup version.

And I didn’t forget about the Chips Ahoy. Actually, I kind of did. I saw evidence of their inclusion in the blend, but other than bringing some added crunch, it was hard to pick out the Chips Ahoy flavor compared to the Oreo and Nutter Butter.

Most fast food creations with ultimate or supreme in the name fail to deliver as promised, but this one does. If the words chocolate, peanut butter, and crunchy make you hungry, then you won’t want to miss this Blizzard. And thanks to DQ stretching the meaning of the word summer, you’ll have plenty of time to pick one up.

Purchased Price: $4.49
Size: Mini
Rating: 9 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 480 calories, 20 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 250 milligrams of sodium, 67 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 49 grams of sugar, and 9 grams of protein.

A major cornerstone of my life philosophy: I must sprinkle my week with the joy of little treats when I can. What better way to sprinkle joy than with edible confetti?

Dairy Queen agrees with me, and its newest release proves it. The Confetti Cake Dipped Cone is the latest offering in Dairy Queen’s springtime tradition of releasing limited edition dipped cones. Past flavors have included Churro, Fruity Blast, Orange Dreamsicle, and Cotton Candy.

No offense to the past flavors, but Confetti Cake is the perfect flavor for everyday celebrations. Combining butter, sugar, vanilla, and sprinkles, the flavor exemplifies all things sweet, indulgent, and colorful. Unlike its cousin, Birthday Cake, Confetti Cake is not occasion-specific, so you do not need to worry about popped balloons or the crushing weight of how quickly time passes.

I ordered a medium cone and had to take a moment to admire the beauty of the thing. Topped with Dairy Queen’s signature curl, the curvy mounds of vanilla soft serve were generously coated with the confetti cake shell. The shell’s crisp white base, decorated with rainbow flecks, perfectly represented confetti cake. Somehow, the colorful speckles didn’t muddy the white base or add any texture to disturb the absolute smoothness of the dip. The result was so pretty that I need an artist and/or scientist to dismiss my accusations of soft serve sorcery. Maybe Steven H., who made my cone, just knows what the hell he’s doing.

Texturally, the coating was perfect, cracking satisfyingly with each bite before melting away into creamy smoothness. Its flavor, however, was disappointingly one-note. I expected white chocolate or vanilla to flavor the base, but all I could taste was a combination of butter and almond extracts. While the shell was sweet, the perfume-y, artificial quality of the extracts threw off the flavor balance for me.

I almost completely stripped the shell from the cone before I realized what the taste reminded me of. Once, I made homemade buttercream frosting using powdered sugar that was over a year past its best-by date. (This was an accident, of course, not some cruel birthday prank.) The end product was creamy and rich but tasted off, like butter held together by the memory of something sweet. My neglectful baking fail was a much worse offense than the Confetti Cake Dipped Cone, but both experiences ended in disappointment.

When eaten with soft serve, the confetti shell’s flavor was mostly overwhelmed by the ice cream’s coldness. In my eyes, Dairy Queen’s vanilla soft serve is literal perfection, a sweet and creamy dream in any form, so I couldn’t be mad about having that cone in my paw. While the shell itself would rate around 4 out of 10, the ice cream bumped my overall rating up to a squarely-average 5. Colorful sprinkles can brighten up any occasion, but for the Confetti Cake Dipped Cone, it’s what’s on the inside that counts.

Purchased Price: $3.89
Size: Medium
Rating: 5 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 470 calories, 23 grams of fat, 19 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 150 milligrams of sodium, 57 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 43 grams of sugar, and 8 grams of protein

The Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup Pie Blizzard is the November Blizzard of the Month, but it is not really new. It appears to have been available in the U.S. back in 2014 and in Canada sometime last year, but I can’t remember what I ate yesterday, and I haven’t been to Canada lately, so this is new enough to warrant a review. And I’m glad to be the one doing the review.

The standard Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup Blizzard has always been one of my favorites, and this version adds graham cracker pie crust and whipped topping. Neither the name of this one nor the added ingredients are particularly creative, but who cares if the results are tasty? And they are. The first bite instantly made me think I was eating a pie in ice cream form. It doesn’t taste radically different than the straight-up PB cup version, but it’s different enough to be a pleasant change, and it has a bit more texture and crunch with the pie crust pieces.

The whipped topping, however, did not add much other than a bit of drama when the DQ employee did the signature Blizzard flip before handing me the goods. I swear I saw the topping move a little, but it did manage to stay attached to its ice cream companion. That led me down the rabbit hole of what happens if a Blizzard — or some part of it — spills when it is flipped? The internet claims that you get a free Blizzard if any spillage occurs or if the employee doesn’t flip the Blizzard for you, although those rules seem to be loosely enforced. I spent more time than I care to admit doing “research” on this topic, and it’s safe to say that the new light figure I was planning to install is still sitting in its original box.

This Blizzard is quite good, but it’s akin to having your favorite burger with a pretzel bun instead of a standard roll. So there’s no need to drop everything and race over to your local DQ, but if you like the regular Peanut Butter Cup Blizzard, you are going to want to give this one a try.

Purchased Price: $4.69
Size: Small
Rating: 8 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 820 calories, 40 grams of fat, 19 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 50 milligrams of cholesterol, 410 milligrams of sodium, 100 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 83 grams of sugar, and 16 grams of protein.

Sometimes I really dislike being an adult. I’m not talking about paying taxes, having a job, or things like that. I just don’t like how it changes what is appropriate when it comes to food. If I were a toddler, it would be no big deal if I took off my shirt and ate mac and cheese with my hands, and people would say how cute I was when I got sauce in my hair. If I try that as an adult at Applebee’s, I’ll probably be asked to leave. If I were in kindergarten, a fluffernutter sandwich would be a perfectly acceptable lunch. But if I suggest we have peanut butter and marshmallow creme sandwiches at a work meeting, then some co-workers might suggest I’m a bit immature (but I know others would secretly think it’s an awesome idea). Thankfully, Dairy Queen has the new Royal Reese’s Fluffernutter Blizzard that both mature and immature adults can purchase without being judged.

If you are not familiar with the “Royal” line of Blizzards, they have the bonus of a hidden core, which, in this case, is filled with marshmallow topping. I thought about bringing a small handsaw so I could conduct a Blizzard autopsy and show you exactly how it looks inside, but I figured that would be frowned upon and maybe a little dangerous. Besides, the DQ website features a cross-section view if you are interested. Surrounding the marshmallow core of this Blizzard are Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, peanut butter topping, and, of course, vanilla soft serve. The core might be hard to see in the photos, and as the Blizzard around it melts, it all blends together, but trust me that it’s there.

I’m not sure if this is the case everywhere, but at my local DQ, the Royal Blizzards will set you back an extra $1. After having this one, I can tell you that’s a buck well spent. The standard PB Cup Blizzard is already one of my favorites, but it becomes truly glorious with the marshmallow flavor running down the center. The marshmallow topping by itself is quite sweet — almost too sweet — but it is balanced out perfectly by the decidedly less sweet peanut butter flavor. The smooth, creamy texture of the marshmallow topping also pairs wonderfully with the chunkiness and thickness of the pulverized peanut butter cups in the soft serve. I tried to think how I would improve this Blizzard, and I’ve got nothing to suggest. I think it’s my new all-time favorite.

My only disappointment is that I ordered a small, which really limits the real estate available for the marshmallow core. So my suggestion is to live like a king or a queen and at least order the medium for this one. Nah, just get a large.

Purchased Price: $5.99
Size: Small
Rating: 10 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 750 calories, 31 grams of fat, 13 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 50 milligrams of cholesterol, 390 milligrams of sodium, 104 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 87 grams of sugar, and 17 grams of protein.

We all have some beliefs that we know with certainty are true, and no amount of debate or evidence will ever change our minds. For me, one of those tenets is this: sprinkles are wildly overrated and borderline useless in society. I know others disagree, including the group of small children I saw at a Fourth of July picnic fighting over a shaker of sprinkles for their ice cream. Perhaps they had been studying the Declaration of Independence and thought acquiring said sprinkles would help them successfully achieve their pursuit of happiness. I contend that those kids were misguided. Try eating a handful of just sprinkles and tell me I’m wrong.

At this point, you might assume that my review of Dairy Queen’s July Blizzard of the Month is trending toward a big thumbs down because the Cake Batter Cookie Dough Blizzard has a double dose of sprinkles. The colorful pieces of nothingness are mixed into the cake batter-flavored soft serve and embedded into the confetti cookie dough pieces.

There is a hero, however, that saves this Blizzard. While the standard vanilla soft serve base of most Blizzards is perfectly fine, this cake batter variation is sumptuous. It somehow manages to amp up the sweetness of the ice cream without going too far, and it delivers a subtle extra flavor that seems like a little bit of icing mixed with cake. I would definitely eat cake batter ice cream by itself.

Despite my professed indifference, or perhaps even disdain, for sprinkles, I must say this is a decent Blizzard. And I will begrudgingly say the sprinkles are not completely useless here. They bring a rainbow of color, which I guess is great if you are posting on Instagram, and they contribute a bit of extra texture, which is pleasant. But because sprinkles have virtually no taste, they contribute virtually nothing to the flavor of this Blizzard.

The cookie dough nuggets in here can best be described as sugar cookie-flavored. Again, there are some sprinkles in the cookie dough, as shown in the photo after I dissected one, but, again, they don’t add any flavor.

The quibble I have with this Blizzard — other than my excessive diatribe about sprinkles — is that the cookie dough pieces are overshadowed by the cake batter ice cream. The dough had such a mild flavor that I almost forgot about it. This one might be worth doing a little experimenting and asking for some M&M’s or Oreo cookies to be added to the mix.

Even though this one missed the mark a bit for me, it is certainly worth trying just to experience the cake batter-flavored ice cream.

Purchased Price: $4.99
Size: Small
Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 610 calories, 21 grams of fat, 13 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 45 milligrams of cholesterol, 320 milligrams of sodium, 95 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 71 grams of sugar, and 12 grams of protein.