REVIEW: Kettle Chips Death Valley Chipotle Potato Chips

/ / Reviews / 20 Comments

Oh my God! The Kettle Chips Death Valley Chipotle feels like someone is pouring liquid chlamydia into my mouth! It burns! It burns! It burns!

Okay, it’s not really that hot to me, but others might feel that way.

The winner of last year’s Kettle Peoples’ Choice contest is quite possibly the spiciest potato chip I’ve ever had, although I might’ve in the past had a potato chip that was so spicy that it traumatized me and caused me to lose any memory of it. Eating something so disturbing and losing my memory of it has happened before.

The Kettle Chips Death Valley Chipotle contains the Five Peppers of the Hotpocalypse: chili, chipotle, cayenne, habanero, and jalapeno. Thanks to those spices, each chip looks like it’s burnt rather than golden brown and they also look like scabs. The heat from the Five Peppers of the Hotpocalypse does not instantly hit you, like walking out of a Las Vegas casino on a hot summer day after 24 hours straight of debauchery, instead it’s a slow burn that builds up to a medium heat that sticks with you for a while.

While it may contain a spectrum of hot spices, the chipotle is the pepper that stands out the most and also provides a nice smoky flavor, which fortunately isn’t overwhelmed by the heat of the other peppers. Its smokiness combined with its spiciness makes for one delicious chip, although its heat will probably agitate some peoples’ palates. I’m not surprised I enjoyed them because I like spicy and I also believe Kettle Chips makes some of the best tasting potato chips on the planet.

So if you like spicy, I’d definitely recommend the crunchy Kettle Chips Death Valley Chipotle potato chips. But if you don’t like spicy, I’d definitely recommend staying away from these chips because it really will feel like someone is pouring liquid chlamydia into your mouth.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 ounce – 150 calories, 9 grams of fat, 1 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1 gram of polyunsaturated fat, 7 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 170 milligrams of sodium, 410 milligrams of potassium, 16 grams of carbs, 2 grams of fiber, 0 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 2% Vitamin A, 20% Vitamin C, and 4% Iron.)

Item: Kettle Chips Death Valley Chipotle Potato Chips
Price: $3.29
Size: 5 ounces
Purchased at: Foodland
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Nice smoky, spicy flavor. Crunchy. Lots of spices. No trans fat. Spices don’t overwhelm the chip’s flavor. Me likey the spicy. Winner of the last year’s Kettle Peoples’ Choice contest
Cons: Its dark color makes them look like scabs. If you don’t like spicy, it will feel like someone is pouring liquid chlamydia into your mouth. Might not be a permanent addition to Kettle Chips lineup. Eating something so traumatic that you forgot you ate it.

REVIEW: Popchips

/ / Reviews / 24 Comments

Let me tell you what sucks about getting old; it’s not being able to eat things that I used to eat in the quantities I want to eat them in. I remember when I could eat an entire can of Pringles in one sitting and the only consequence would be constipation. Today, if I were to eat an entire can of Pringles in one sitting not only would I have constipation, I would also increase my blood pressure and make it harder for me to fit into my waist 32 jeans.

I also remember a time when I could eat an entire pint of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream during a viewing of the movie The Notebook. But thanks to the pints of ice cream I’ve consumed over the years, not only are my arteries clogged, but apparently so are my tear ducts, which makes it extremely hard to express my sadness through crying when Noah and Allie die peacefully together holding each other’s hand at the end of The Notebook.

Because of my ever-slowing metabolism, ever-expanding waistline and the ever-deepening indentation in my couch, I’ve been having to choose healthier snack choices and eating them in reasonable serving sizes. That’s why I’ve been eating these Popchips, which I’ve seen at every Jamba Juice I’ve been to. They’re all-natural potato chips and they contain no preservatives, artificial flavors, cholesterol, saturated fat and trans fat. What separates these from regular potato chips is that they aren’t fried. Instead they’re “popped,” which according to the company involves applying heat and pressure to the potatoes until they pop. The Popchips are slightly greasy, but that’s due to their use of safflower and sunflower oil in the seasoning.

Popchips come in flavors for a variety of palates: original, barbeque, parmesan garlic, salt & pepper, and sea salt & vinegar. I’ve tried every flavor and I enjoyed all of them. My favorite out of the bunch was the parmesan garlic.

Are they better tasting than regular fried potato chips?

The short answer.

No.

The long answer that’s long due to too many adjectives.

There’s something about thin, round slices of potato placed in a huge, scalding oil bath that warps them into deformed, golden shapes that tastes so good and makes them extremely crunchy and crack-addictive, which the Popchips can’t match.

They may not be addictive and as crunchy as regular potato chips, but they’re quite delectable and make Lays Baked Potato Chips, which was my previous guilt-free potato chip alternative, taste even more like cardboard. I do wish I could find bags bigger than the one-ounce ones I can get from Jamba Juice because I finish the entire bag at around the 35 minute mark in The Notebook, when Noah and Allie are trying to make sweet, sweet love for the very first time but are interrupted by Noah’s friend.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bag – (some nutrition values varies between flavors) – 120 calories, 4 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 250-310 milligrams of sodium, 20 grams of carbs, 1 gram of fiber, 0-2 grams of sugar, and 1 gram of protein.)

Item: Popchips
Price: FREE
Size: 1 ounce
Purchased at: Given by nice PR people
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Delectable. Crunchy. Healthier than regular potato chips. No saturated and trans fats. Better than Baked Lays. Comes in a number of flavors. The Notebook.
Cons: Not as tasty or crunchy as regular potato chips. Hard to find bigger bags of it. Constipation from eating a can of Pringles. My ever-slowing metabolism, ever-expanding waistline and the ever-deepening indentation in my couch. Being interrupted while trying to make sweet, sweet love for the very first time.

REVIEW: Tohato Ninja Snacks

/ / Reviews / 29 Comments

(Editor’s Note: I’m pretty sure they’re not called “Ninja Snacks,” but because there’s a frickin’ ninja on the packaging I’m calling them that.)

I’m not sure what ninjas like to snack on, but I can only assume it’s the blood and souls of their victims…and possibly Doritos, because the pointy chips are not only awesomely cheesy, they can also kill. Actually, ninjas could probably turn any food into a weapon, whether it be whole carrots, a half-eaten Twinkie, bananas, cooked spaghetti noodles, a Swanson fried chicken TV dinner, a stale roll from a soup kitchen, broccoli, scraps from a school cafeteria, whatever supermodels throw up, and these Tohato Ninja Snacks.

But do ninjas even need snacks? Aren’t they satisfied with the snaps of necks or the smacks they lay across an enemy’s face?

If ninjas do decide to use the Tohato Ninja Snacks as a food instead of a weapon, I’m not sure it would be wise to take them on a mission for several reasons. First off, they have a crunch to them, although it was a pretty unsatisfying crunch, like soggy popcorn, but a crunch nonetheless, which would affect any ninja’s stealth abilities no matter how slow they chew. A ninja without the capacity to not be seen or heard is like Tyra Banks without the capacity to not be seen or heard, both will bring certain doom.

Another reason why the Tohato Ninja Snacks wouldn’t be good for a ninja on an assignment is because they will make their fingers greasy. How is a ninja suppose to scale walls or hang out in a ceiling’s cranny or accurately throw shurikens with greasy fingers?

I’m not too sure what the Ninja Snacks are supposed to be shaped like, either ninjas, grappling hooks, or if you look at the two Ninja Snacks by themselves on the packaging, breakdancers. What I do know is that they taste like Fritos with a buttered movie theater popcorn aftertaste. It actually wasn’t too bad, but ninjas need something that won’t make them say, “Blech! My mouth tastes like I licked the floor at a showing of Pineapple Express.” Because doing so will get them killed.

Item: Tohato Ninja Snacks
Price: FREE
Purchased at: Given by TIB reader Fury
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Tastes like Fritos. Can be used as a weapon by a ninja. Not being able to hear Tyra Banks. Being a ninja.
Cons: Buttered movie theater popcorn aftertaste. Might be difficult to find. Makes fingers greasy. Unsatisfying crunch. Not good for ninjas on missions. Hearing Tyra Banks. Being killed by a ninja with supermodel barf.

Lay’s Pinch of Salt Potato Chips

/ / Reviews / 22 Comments

Like alcohol in the hands of really bored housewives, potato chips can be addictive. If I had a dollar for every time I opened a big bag of potato chips and got to the point when I said “Holy shit! I can’t believe I ate half the bag,” I’d have enough money to get the quinapril hydrochloride pills to help lower my high blood pressure for all the salt I consumed or I would have enough cash to buy more potato chips so that I can create a vicious circle of tasty, crunchy fried potatoes and high systolic and diastolic numbers.

Recently, Frito-Lay, the company that seems to promise I’ll get laid via frying, but has yet to fulfill that promise, introduced the Lay’s Pinch of Salt Potato Chips, which now allows me to have those “Holy shit” moments with less salt while watching Jon & Kate Plus 8 episodes.

The Lay’s Pinch of Salt Potato Chips have 75 milligrams of sodium per one ounce serving, while the Lay’s Classic potato chips have 180 milligrams of sodium per one ounce serving, which for those of you who have molluscophobia or just want to be a douchebag to other living creatures is probably enough salt to kill a snail. Strangely, while doing some research, I also found out that Lay’s has a Lightly Salted version of their potato chips which have 90 milligrams of sodium per serving. So I guess Lay’s is now giving you the option of which level you want your blood pressure to be at.

The low sodium chips look, smell and taste like Lay’s Classic potato chips, except obviously less salty. They also seemed less greasy, which is a bonus because my television remote control won’t be so slick when I try to grab it and change channels during commercials. Before trying these chips, I thought that the lack of salt would make them extremely bland, like most low sodium products, but thankfully, that was not the case. I do have to admit that I prefer the taste of the Lay’s Pinch of Salt Potato Chips over the original version because my taste buds and my high blood pressure think the chips have the right amount of salt on them.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 ounce/about 15 chips – 150 calories, 10 grams of fat, 1 grams of saturated fat, 4.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 4.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 75 milligrams of sodium, 340 milligrams of potassium, 15 grams of carbs, 1 grams of dietary fiber, 0 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 10% vitamin C, 2% iron, and 0 minutes of getting laid via frying)

Item: Lay’s Pinch of Salt Potato Chips
Price: $3.29 (6.5 ounces)
Purchased at: Star Market
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tastes like regular Lay’s, except not as salty. Not bland tasting. Seems to be not as greasy as Lay’s Classic chips. Jon & Kate Plus 8.
Cons: Seems to be in a smaller bag. Killing snails with salt. Holy shit moments. My high blood pressure. Molluscophobia. Not getting Frito Layed.

Burger King Ketchup & Fries Potato Snacks

/ / Reviews / 18 Comments

From my front door, it takes a few hundred steps for me to get to the Burger King down the street. Sometimes it takes more, if I stop at the Moonlight Massage parlor along the way, which are open during the hours of 10 p.m. and 4 a.m., and sometimes it takes less, if I take my car or if I stop by the Moonlight Massage and ask my masseuse, Persia, to replace the usual “Happy Ending” with a trip to Burger King, because really, getting a Whopper delivered to you is truly a happy ending. Sometimes I wish the Burger King was much closer, but thanks to the Burger King Ketchup & Fries Potato Snacks I can experience Burger King without leaving my apartment and without asking Persia to walk in her five inch heels down the street.

To be honest, I’m not a fan of Burger King french fries so I didn’t think I’d like these. However, the good news is that these potato snacks didn’t taste like Burger King french fries. The bad news is that these potato snacks are worse than Burger King french fries. To sum up how I feel about them, I came up with this simple equation:

Burger King Ketchup & Fries Potato Snacks is less than Burger King french fries is less than a slap in the face

Its tangy ketchup flavor came in the form of a powder that is Homeland Security Red in color and sticks to your fingers, making them look like they caught something from being in Paris Hilton’s disarrayed va-jay-jay. Sucking the flavor off my fingers is usually a pleasurable experience that I pay for at the Moonlight Massage, but that wasn’t the case with the bright red powder since it made my fingers smell like Thousand Island dressing, one of the least erotic salad dressings, right next to blue cheese. The flavor of the Burger King Ketchup & Fries Potato Snacks had a strong vinegary smell and taste, which bordered between bad ketchup flavored Pringles and bad barbeque flavored potato chips.

But not everything is bad about the Burger King Ketchup & Fries Potato Snacks. They are healthier than a small size of Burger King french fries and contain no trans fats, but if that’s all they’ve got going for them, it’s not good. Well, it looks like my Happy Endings will continue to end with a Whopper.

(Nutrition Facts – Approx. 16 chips – 150 calories, 8 grams of fat, 1 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 240 milligrams of sodium, 19 grams of carbohydrates, 1 grams of dietary fiber, 1 grams of sugar, 1 grams of sugars, and 5 red powdery fingers.)

(Editor’s Note: Snack You Silly also reviewed this package of red, vinegar goodness.)

Item: Burger King Ketchup & Fries Potato Snacks
Price: $1.49 (3 ounces)
Purchased at: PriceBusters
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: A Happy Ending and those that end with a Whopper. Zero trans fat. Healthier than Burger King fries. A slap in the face compared with Burger King fries.
Cons: Worse than Burger King fries. Strong vinegar smell and taste. Leaves red powder on fingers that smell like Thousand Island dressing, the least erotic salad dressing. Walking in five inch heels. Burger King fries.

Scroll to Top