REVIEW: Giant Flamin’ Hot Cheetos

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Cheetos Giant Flamin' Hot

The look of each Giant Flamin’ Hot Cheetos is extremely frightening because it reminds me of the 3D computer graphic simulation of the Earth and the molten lava coming out of it after a killer asteroid hits it, which I’ve seen on a Discovery Channel show about the extinction of dinosaurs.

I don’t know whether I should eat them or hold one up in front of a video camera and record a voice over for a dinosaur documentary that begins with, “Some scientists believe the extinction of dinosaurs was caused by a meteorite that created the Chicxulub crater in Mexico’s Yucatan peninsula.”

As you can see below Chester the Cheetah’s ass in the packaging photo, the Giant Flamin’ Hot Cheetos is covered with a bright red color that’s usually found on the lips of mistresses and on the collars of cheating bastards. The red powder that covers its exterior, obviously, provides the heat, but perhaps there’s too much heat because I feel it overwhelms any cheesy flavor.

Actually, the flavor from these great balls of fire makes my tongue feel like it’s on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland — starts off boring, then there’s a little excitement (heat), then it’s slightly cheesy, more excitement (heat) and then disappointment.

Overall, I don’t really care for the ping pong ball-sized Giant Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. There’s not enough cheese flavor in it, making them pretty much flavorless. The red spicy coating seems to make the rest of it its bitch, not allowing it to say anything.

I also find the idea of giant Cheetos stupid, because I feel when a company makes a smaller or larger version of their product, it usually means that the creative juices have run out. I definitely think this was the case here and that the creative juices ran out because they needed to drink something to cool down their mouths after eating the Giant Flamin’ Hot Cheetos.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 ounce – 150 calories, 9 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 250 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram dietary fiber, 0 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 4% vitamin E and 2% iron.)

Item: Giant Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Price: $2.88
Size: 7 3/4 ounces
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: It’s new. It’s hot, if you’re into that. The packaging looks like Chester the Cheetah is burning his ass.
Cons: I feel the heat overwhelmed the flavor. The red color is off-putting. It reminds me of the destruction of the Earth. Getting lipstick on my collar.

REVIEW: Doritos Late Night Tacos At Midnight

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The Doritos Late Night Tacos At Midnight is missing something, but I can’t quite put my finger on it.

Oh yeah, that’s right.

It’s missing the grease that real tacos at midnight would have, which lubricates the body so that the shame from the evening of debauchery can pass through easier. The tacos themselves also help by replacing the regret of whatever you did earlier in the evening with the shame of eating cheap, fast food tacos that will make you fart in your sleep.

The grease is necessary to wash away things like the regret of giving your cell phone number to the crazy, borderline homely person at the bar who keeps texting you about how special you are to them because you bought them a drink, which they mistook as a gift of courtship, but was really a pity drink after he/she told you their depressing story about how they got dumped on Valentine’s Day and the restraining order they received shortly after, all of which happened after you two accidently met on the dance floor while the DJ was playing “your jam” — a sped up mashup of Technotronic’s “Pump Up The Jam” and Joe Budden’s “Pump It Up.”

You don’t remember that person’s name, but you do know what they look like because you’ve received 20 or so text messages from them since you left the club an hour ago, and with every text their strobe light-lighted picture you took on your cell phone about 90 minutes ago when you were a lot more inebriated shows up on your phone’s screen. In your more sober state, you think to yourself, “Not even the poor lighting makes him/her look better.” Also at that point, you regret having your phone’s text messaging alert set to the chorus of A Tribe Called Quest’s “Hot Sex.”

The Doritos Late Night Tacos At Midnight may not have grease, or a simple name, but it does taste like a fast food taco and they’re tasty. Although its flavor specifically reminds me of a Jack in the Box taco, which isn’t my favorite fast food taco. But for some it’s the taco of choice for those who want to forget the embarrassment of drunk making out with someone who smelled like burnt hair and cigarette ashes, wore a lot of polyester and didn’t have all their teeth. You can point at the dark red powder that covers the chips for that flavor and you can also blame that powder for the slight spice of the chip and for making your fingers look like they contracted a nasty sexually transmitted disease.

The similarities between the Doritos Late Night Tacos At Midnight chips and Jack in the Box tacos don’t stop with flavor. Just like a Jack in the Box taco, when you burp after eating these Doritos you get to savor its flavor all over again. But without the grease found in regular tacos, these triangular chips won’t help the next time you find yourself in the back seat of a car, hopefully not a Mini Cooper, with someone who you think is of the opposite sex, but really isn’t.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 ounce – 150 calories, 1 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 240 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, less than 1 gram of sugar, 2 grams of protein,

Item: Doritos Late Night Tacos At Midnight
Price: $3.00
Size: 13 7/8 ounces
Purchased at: The-Blue-Superstore-Behemoth-That-Must-Not-Be-Named
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Tasty. If you like Jack in the Box tacos, it tastes like them. The grease from tacos. Forgetting things that will prevent you from running for office. Restraining orders.
Cons: Doesn’t contain the grease that real tacos have. Tastes like Jack in the Box taco, which aren’t my favorite. Anything bad that happens when you’re inebriated. Retasting it after you burp. Any mashup that contains Technotronic’s “Pump Up The Jam” and Joe Budden’s “Pump It Up.” Giving your phone number to a scary stranger.

REVIEW: Pringles Restaurant Cravers Onion Blossom

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Pringles Restaurant Cravers Onion Blossom

The Pringles Restaurant Cravers Onion Blossom potato crisps are based on the Outback Steakhouse appetizer known as the Bloomin’ Onion, which is not Australian in any way. For those of you who haven’t had the pleasure of being introduced to a Bloomin’ Onion and the unknown amounts of saturated fat and sodium it provides, it’s basically the worst thing one can do to get revenge on onions for giving us bad breath.

Imagine having more than a dozen deep slices around your body, then opening up those wounds more, coating those open gashes with a batter, then deep frying your entire body to a golden brown, and having your body picked apart and dipped into a spicy sauce. That’s what the onion has to experience for turning the gum and mint industry into a multi-billion dollar one and also for making us cry whenever we cut them.

Of course, I could make it much worse for onions, but I have yet to figure out a way to make them eat themselves and then blow heavily on themselves.

I imagined the Pringles Restaurant Cravers Onion Blossom would be like eating a potato and an onion making sweet, sweet love using a spicy dipping sauce as lubricant, but instead it mostly tasted like the spicy dipping sauce lubricant, which made sense because a Bloomin’ Onion without its sauce pretty much bloomin’ sucks. It’s lightly covered with an orange powder that give each potato crisp a mild horseradish flavor with a little bit of garlic and onion.

I’m not much of a horseradish kind of guy, but I have to say that I did enjoy the flavor of these Pringles. But they weren’t as appetizing as Outback Steakhouse’s Bloomin’ Onion because I think they lacked the three things that make a Bloomin’ Onion so special: high amounts of saturated fat, lot of sodium and being surrounded by a faux Australian ambience that makes Aborigines and Australians angry.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 ounce – 150 calories, 11 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 230 milligrams of sodium, 14 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 1 gram of sugar, 1 gram of protein and 6% Vitamin C.)

Item: Pringles Restaurant Cravers Onion Blossom
Price: $2.49
Size: 6.38 ounces
Purchased at: Walgreens
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tasty. Tastes like the spicy sauce given with the Bloomin’ Onion. Nice horseradish flavor. Super Stack. No trans fat. Significantly healthier than a Bloomin’ Onion. Getting revenge on onions.
Cons: People who don’t like horseradish won’t like it. Slightly high in sodium. A Bloomin’ Onion without sauce. Having to chew gum after eating onions. Eating an entire Bloomin’ Onion by yourself. Eating an entire can on Pringles in one sitting.

REVIEW: Food Should Taste Good Tortilla Chips

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FoodShouldTasteGood chips (yes, that’s how it’s spelled and, yes, I did think about writing the entire review that way) aren’t the typical tortilla chips that you would find at a Super Bowl gathering, Mexican Potluck Day at work or at your quarterly swingers party. Their packaging and use of script fonts make them seem a little classier than that. Instead you might find them at a Westminster Dog Show party, a Hispanic Cultural Event or at your annual, invitation-only, anything-goes masquerade orgy.

These classy tortilla chips come in a variety of normal and f’ed-up flavors, shapes and colors: Multigrain, Buffalo (not shown), Jalapeno, The Works, Sweet Potato, Olive and Chocolate (yes, chocolate). The FoodShouldTasteGood chips seem to be a little more durable than their non-classy chip counterparts, making them perfect for dips, toppings and finger kickboxing demos.

FoodShouldTasteGood encourages you to try their chips with a variety of topping and has suggestions on the packaging. Unfortunately, I don’t have access to some of their recommendations, like hummus, goat cheese, feta cheese, roasted garlic salsa, white bean dip, guacamole and I just ran out of human souls. So I decided to try the chips nekkid.

Buffalo (not shown above) is made with cayenne pepper, vinegar and garlic. It had a flavor and color similar to buffalo wing sauces I’ve had in the past. There was a slight heat to it, but not enough that I had to reach for some celery and blue cheese dressing. I definitely enjoyed them, even if they had the highest sodium content among all the flavors, and I could see myself bringing a bag to the next big cricket match on the tele.

Chocolate is made with semi-sweet chocolate, Dutch chocolate and sea salt. Among all the flavors, this one was the most intriguing because it provided me the opportunity to eat two types of snack food in a chip that was so brown, it looked burnt. The salt was the first ingredient I tasted and that was soon followed by, after a couple of chews, a semi-sweet chocolate flavor. I was surprised by how well they turned out and the next time I go to an equestrian competition, I’ll make sure to bring some along with my ASTM-SEI-approved riding helmet.

Jalapeno is made with diced jalapeno peppers and crushed red peppers. The red-ish color of this chip reminded me of the taco shell used for the Taco Bell Volcano Taco and the devil that haunts my nightmares. It was not a spicy as the Buffalo one, but it did have a nice light jalapeno flavor that I would share at an upcoming Scrabble tournament.

Multigrain is baked with flax, sunflower and sesame seeds, oat fiber, brown rice, quinoa and soy. Out of all the flavors, this one tasted and looked the most like regular tortilla chips, but it also had a slight nutty flavor to it. I didn’t like these at first, but after eating more of it, I grew to like them and would probably take them to a bird watching event at the park to snack on and to attract birds.

Olive is made with black, green and Kalamata olives, garlic and sea salt. I really was hoping these chips would come in a dark green color or turn green if I made them mad, but they looked like normal tortilla chips. The olive flavor was noticeable, but not unpleasant and it wasn’t strong enough to make me want to break out the martini kit at the Oprah’s Book Club meeting I would probably take these to.

Sweet Potato is, obviously, baked with sweet potato that give the chips an orange hue, 20% of your daily recommended allowance of Vitamin A, and a good, light sweet potato taste. I was hoping they would have a stronger sweet potato taste, but I figured if they did they would have more sweet potato in them and then they would be considered potato chips, which would not be classy enough to bring to a game of polo.

The Works! is made with poppy and caraway seeds, minced garlic and onion. There were my least favorite among all the flavors. I don’t know if it was the poppy seeds, caraway seeds, or the fact that I don’t know what caraway seeds are, but whatever it was I couldn’t eat an entire bag and I couldn’t see myself offering these at my annual, invitation-only, anything-goes masquerade orgy

(Nutrition Facts – 1 ounce – (varies between flavors) 140 calories, 6-7 grams of fat, 0.5-1 gram of fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 80-280 milligrams of sodium, 17-18 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 0-2 grams of sugar, and 2-3 grams of protein.)

(Note: Thanks to the folks at FoodShouldTasteGood for sending me their chips to sample.)

Item: FoodShouldTasteGood Tortilla Chips
Price: FREE
Size: 6-ounce & 1-ounce bags
Purchased at: Given by company.
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Buffalo)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Chocolate)
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Jalapeno)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Multigrain)
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Olive)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Sweet Potato)
Rating: 5 out of 10 (The Works!)
Pros: Most of the flavors were tasty. Sturdy chips, perfect for dipping and finger kickboxing demos. All-natural. Certified Gluten-Free. No trans fats. Crunchy. Chocolate flavor was surprisingly good. Script fonts make them classy. Contains a decent amount of fiber.
Cons: I didn’t care for The Works! flavor. Buffalo flavor has a high sodium content. Might be difficult to find in stores. I ran out of human souls.

REVIEW: Terra Crinkles Yukon Gold Garlic Mashed Potato Chips

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The Terra Crinkles Yukon Gold Garlic Mashed Potato Chips tasted all right, but they disgusted me. The reason why I found these potato chips to be repulsive was because they committed flavor incest.

And I’m not talking about the good kind of incest.

I find it wrong when one potato product tries to taste like another potato product and because these potato chips have the flavor of garlic mashed potatoes, I believe this product breaks one of the Ten Culinary Commandments — thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s flavor. It’s like if pork chops tasted like bacon, or if wheat bread tasted like white bread, or if all the things people say tastes like chicken tasted like chicken.

The Terra Crinkles Yukon Gold Garlic Mashed Potato Chips seemed like normal potato chips, but by committing flavor incest who knows what might’ve happened with them. There might’ve been defects, like square-shaped chips, excessive crinkles, non-crunchiness, or they might’ve had the level of brain damage only found in those who have the desire to become a D-List celebrity and whore itself to any reality show willing to pay it for its ability to be a total douchebag on television.

Like I wrote earlier, I think these potato chips were all right and they really did taste like garlic mashed potatoes. But it wasn’t good garlic mashed potatoes, like the kind you would find as a side dish for a delicious medium rare filet mignon at a top-notch steakhouse. Instead the potato chips were like the garlic mashed potatoes you would find in its own compartment in a Salisbury steak TV dinner. The garlic flavor tasted a little burnt, it had a strong onion flavor and there was a little tanginess, thanks to the buttermilk powder.

The Terra Crinkles Yukon Gold Garlic Mashed Potato Chips was not a case of something so wrong being so right. The flavor incest it engaged in made something so wrong be so-so.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 ounce – 130 calories, 6 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 170 milligrams of sodium, 19 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 1 gram of sugar, 2 grams of protein, and 2% Iron.)

Item: Terra Crinkles Yukon Gold Garlic Mashed Potato Chips
Price: $4.99
Size: 6 ounces
Purchased at: Whole Foods
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Tasted like garlic mashed potatoes, but not good garlic mashed potatoes. Crunchy. No trans fat. No defects. The good kind of incest.
Cons: Garlic flavor tasted a little burnt. Flavor incest. Being a D-List celebrity. Being a douchebag. The bad kind of incest. Breaking one of the Ten Culinary Commandments.

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