REVIEW: Tostitos Artisan Recipes Tortilla Chips (Fire-Roasted Chipotle and Roasted Garlic & Black Bean)

/ / Reviews / 18 Comments

Tostitos Artisan Recipes Fire-Roasted Chipotle and Roasted Garlic & Black Bean

Poor Tostitos. They’re like the pink Corvette of the Barbie world: oh, sure, little girls play with the Corvette all the time, but only when Barbie’s having a Thelma & Louise-esque adventure with her best friend Teresa or Barbie, Trichelle, Chandra, and Zahara (what is with these names?) are going on a shopping trip. Otherwise, the Corvette stays parked off to the side, lonely and forgotten. The only little girls who play with the Corvette alone are the ones that may grow up wearing flannel shirts and favoring mullets.

The point I’m trying to make here is that, while other Frito-Lay products like Doritos and Cheetos get flavor makeovers approximately once every six seconds, Tostitos remains stalwart in its commitment to be just a tortilla chip, a vessel for you to dunk into the ten different varieties of Tostitos-branded dips. Oh sure, there’s some variety – you can get them round, multigrain, even with a hint of jalapeño or lime, but Tostitos will never coat your fingers with a thick layer of flavor dust.

However, Tostitos will be naked no more, thanks to their new line of Artisan Recipes. Somebody’s little brother stole the pink Corvette, and now it’s in a demolition derby with a Tonka backhoe and a monster truck named “The Crusher.” Good luck to you, pink Barbie Corvette.

Oh, right, we’re talking about chips, not reliving my childhood. The Artisan Recipes line only has two flavors for now: Fire-Roasted Chipotle and Roasted Garlic & Black Bean. I am assuming, depending on their level of success, that more flavors will be forthcoming.

I’ll let Frito-Lay’s press release do the explaining: “Tostitos Artisan Recipes offers tortilla chip fans an exciting new twist on this popular snack. Each flavor is made from high-quality whole-white corn and real ingredients like black beans, garlic and chipotle peppers that are baked in before cooking for a truly one-of-a-kind flavor.”

Ohhh, I get it now! The twist here is that the flavors are baked in. Tostitos is crashing the flavor party with an innovative idea – flavorful chips without the messy fingers. Chips for grown-ups! Or, at least, chips for grown-ups who have enough dignity not to suck the inches of flavor dust off their fingers in public. I don’t fall into that category, but I’ll give these chips a try anyways.

Fire-Roasted Chipotle

Tostitos Artisan Recipes Fire-Roasted Chipotle Chip

Let’s start with the good: Artisan Recipe Tostitos have a great texture. They are thinner and more delicate than regular Tostitos, with a nice, light crunch as you chew them. The tortilla taste is also very pleasant; they taste a lot like regular Tostitos, but with more of a pronounced grain flavor. This is because, unlike regular Tostitos (I consider Restaurant Style to be the de facto standard Tostitos), Artisan Recipes have eight more grains besides the standard whole white corn. Some of those grains include whole rye, barley, and triticale. I had to look up exactly what triticale is. Apparently science wanted to make wheat and rye have a baby, and triticale was the result. I don’t know why this was something that needed to happen, but regardless, it did, and now it’s in my stomach.

All these grains smashed together make a tasty chip, but that’s also a problem – where’s the chipotle? I had to get through chip number three before I could taste a bit of spice and feel any heat building up on the back of my tongue. I kept waiting for the smoky pepper flavor of chipotle to emerge, but it never did. Just a bit of spice and that little touch of heat at the end.

Artisan Recipes’ whole schtick is that the flavor is baked in, but there’s still flavor dust on the chips. It’s definitely more subtle than, say, a Nacho Cheese Dorito, but my fingers definitely had little red flecks on them along with the salt. I can’t call Tostitos a liar, because they never say outright that all the flavor is “baked in”, but they do fail to mention that it’s getting a little support from flavor dust. And yet, even with the backup, the chipotle flavor fails to come through, which is disappointing.

Roasted Garlic & Black Bean

Tostitos Artisan Recipes Roasted Garlic & Black Bean Chip

Predictably, these have the same nice, delicate texture of the Fire-Roasted Chipotle, but unfortunately, they also have the same affliction: lack-of-flavoritis. Those big flecks must be the black bean that’s baked in, but in the ingredients list, they are dried black beans. How could that possibly bring in any flavor?

As for the roasted garlic, I managed to find approximately one out of every four chips that tasted like garlic powder. On some of these chips, you can actually see a faint orange powder, which is curious. In fact, maybe my mouth is just inventing flavors at this point in a desperate attempt at tasting something, but I got more of a really subtle cheese taste on the chips that didn’t taste like garlic powder. Even though I had to work to find the faintly garlic-flavored chips, when I did get one, I really enjoyed it.

I had high hopes for Artisan Recipes Tostitos. I was hoping to get some rich flavor from baked-in, authentic ingredients. And, honestly, if they hadn’t had such descriptive, delicious-sounding names, I would have given them high marks for being a light tortilla chip with a good crunch. I risk losing my Processed Foods Only membership card by saying this, but I found the addition of eight extra grains made for a more flavorful tortilla chip. Unfortunately, the chipotle lacked smokiness and had only a mild heat in regards to flavor, the black beans were sadly absent, and the garlic was hit-and-miss. That said, the subtlety of these flavors would add a little extra depth when dunked into a Tostitos-branded dip, but they shot themselves in the foot and made the chips too fragile to support most dips. Tostitos Artisan Recipes are great chips in both texture and tortilla/grain flavor, but don’t expect your taste buds to be lovingly caressed by chipotle, garlic, or black beans.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 ounce – Fire-Roasted Chipotle – 150 calories, 70 calories from fat, 8 grams of total fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 4.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 2.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 90 milligrams of sodium, 18 grams of total carbohydrates, 2 grams of dietary fiber, less than 1 gram of sugars, 2 grams of protein, 2% calcium, 2% iron, 2% thiamin, 2% riboflavin, 2% niacin, 2% vitamin B6, 6% phosphorus, 6% magnesium and 2% zinc. Roasted Garlic & Black Bean – 150 calories, 70 calories from fat, 8 grams of total fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 4.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 2.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 90 milligrams of sodium, 18 grams of total carbohydrates, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 0 grams of sugars, 2 grams of protein, 2% calcium, 2% iron, 2% thiamin, 8% riboflavin, 4% niacin, 4% vitamin B6, 4% phosphorus, 4% magnesium and 2% zinc.)

Item: Tostitos Artisan Recipes Tortilla Chips (Fire-Roasted Chipotle and Roasted Garlic & Black Bean)
Price: $3.49 and $2.49 (on sale, regularly $3.99)
Size: 9 ¾ oz. bags
Purchased at: Fry’s Foods and Safeway
Rating: 5 out of 10 (Fire-Roasted Chipotle)
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Roasted Garlic & Black Bean)
Pros: Good tortilla chip texture. Re-creating Thelma & Louise with Barbies. Lots of healthy, tasty grains. Demolition derbies. Garlic flavor on some chips was delicious. Chipotle delivered a little heat.
Cons: Chips didn’t live up to baked-in flavor promise. Little brothers stealing your Barbie Corvettes. Lack of smoky flavor in Fire-Roasted Chipotle. “Trichelle.” No black bean flavor.

REVIEW: Kettle Brand Nacho Cheddar TIAS!

/ / Reviews / 12 Comments

Kettle Brand Nacho Cheddar Tias!

I don’t have any command of the Spanish language, and some might argue I also don’t have a command of the English language, so it’s been difficult to find out why Kettle Brands calls their line of tortilla chips TIAS! I thought the internet would help, but it was quite useless.

When I looked up “tias” on an online language translator, it told me it means aunts in Spanish. When I looked it up on Wikipedia, it told me Tias is a city on the Canary Islands and it’s also the Treaties and Other International Acts Series, a document printed by the U.S. Department of State.

When I looked up the word on YouTube, I hoped to find telenovela clips, but instead I found lots of videos with voluptuous girls in bikinis and slideshows of girls smashing their boobs together to form cleavage while booty music plays in the background. Those videos eventually lead me to tanga videos, and those videos caused YouTube to suggest I watch Brazilian bunda clips.

After spending half a day on YouTube watching a never-ending stretch of booty and boobs, I still don’t have any clue why these Kettle Brand Nacho Cheddar Tortilla Chips are called TIAS!

The Nacho Cheddar TIAS! sound like the Toyota Prius of cheese-flavored triangle tortilla chips because they’re all-natural, mostly made from organic ingredients and I felt smug after buying them. Let me tell you, since I bought this bag of Nacho Cheddar TIAS!, I have felt a high level of disdain toward Doritos eaters. It’s a level I haven’t felt since I watched myself eat an entire bag of Doritos in front of a mirror.

Kettle Brand Nacho Cheddar Tias! 2

If you read what the packaging says, it’s easy to feel smug: ZERO grams of trans fat, ONLY all natural colors and flavors, ONLY natural oils, NO preservatives, NON-GMO ingredients and REAL food ingredients. These Kettle Brand Nacho Cheddar TIAS! may make me feel like an asshole, but at least I can be an asshole while eating something awfully appetizing.

While not as cheesy as Doritos, they have a more authentic cheese flavor. The amount of seasoning on each chip looks ample, but it doesn’t translate into a really strong cheesy flavor. That lack of an intense cheesy flavor also makes the sloppy seconds I have with my fingers, sucking off the light orange seasoning, less delectable.

The Kettle Brand Nacho Cheddar TIAS! may not be healthier, as cheesy or as crunchy as Doritos, but they’re an extremely satisfying smug replacement.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 ounce/about 12 chips – 150 calories, 70 calories from fat, 8 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1 gram of polyunsaturated fat, 6 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 170 milligrams of sodium, 55 milligrams of potassium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 1 gram of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 2% vitamin A, 4% calcium and 2% iron.)

Item: Kettle Brand Nacho Cheddar TIAS!
Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Size: 8 ounces
Purchased at: Whole Foods
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Has an authentic cheese flavor. Tasty. All natural colors and flavors. Made mostly from organic ingredients. Zero grams of trans fat. No preservatives. Contains polyunsaturated and monounsaturated fats. Tanga videos. Brazilian bunda videos.
Cons: May feel smug while eating them. Not healthier than Doritos. Sucking off cheesy fingers is less tasty. Not as crunchy as Doritos. Feeling disdain towards Doritos eaters. The internet unable to tell me why they’re called TIAS!

REVIEW: Madden ’11 Inspired Doritos (Stadium Nacho & Tailgater BBQ)

/ / Reviews / 16 Comments

I’m amazed with what Doritos is capable of doing with their tortilla chips. They do some crazy magic with seasonings and monosodium glutamate. Mountain Dew-flavored chips…BOOM! Fast food taco-flavored chips…KAPOW! Cheeseburger-flavored chips…(insert here favorite onomatopoeia used during the fight scenes in the 1960s Batman TV series)!

The only way I can imagine they came up with such flavors is by snorting monosodium glutamate through a hollowed out Cheetos puff off of the gut of a future Biggest Loser contestant to stimulate the right side of their brain.

While the folks at Doritos would never admit to using MSG like Jim Morrison used heroin to create music, Ernest Hemingway used alcohol to write prose and Phil Collins used baldness to come up with his song “Sussudio,” they have admitted their newest flavors, Tailgater BBQ and Stadium Nacho, were inspired by the football video game Madden ’11.

For those of you who have never played a minute of Madden in its 22-year history, it allows football fans to control any NFL team, and depending on what level of difficulty one sets the game at, they can make the impossible possible, like having the Kansas City Chiefs win the Super Bowl by beating their opponent 259-0 with their third string quarterback. Of course, one of the downsides of playing Madden is having the voices of either John Madden or Cris Collinsworth haunt your dreams by repeating the same color commentary over and over again, especially Madden’s “BOOM!” which has been known to spoil lovemaking sessions.

While the unusual flavors Doritos creates are awe-inspiring, what’s even more impressive is how accurate those unusual flavors are compared with the real thing. Their Doritos Late Night Cheeseburger tastes like cheeseburgers, their Doritos Late Night Tacos tastes like fast food tacos and the Tailgater BBQ and Stadium Nacho are supposed to taste like barbeque pork and nachos with jalapenos, respectively.

Because I’ve read previous reviews of the Tailgater BBQ, I knew I should expect a barbeque pork flavor, but for unsuspecting folks, its flavor will be kind of a mindfuck. The chip starts off with a sweet barbeque flavor that’s similar to barbeque Lay’s potato chips, and then the smoky pork flavor hits the tongue. At first, I thought the greasy pork flavor seemed a bit odd to have with a chip and it slightly grossed me out, but after eating a bit more, I got used to the flavor..a little. I kind of like Tailgater BBQ, but I don’t think I can eat too much of it in one sitting because I’m afraid its greasy pork flavor will eventually freak out my taste buds.

The Stadium Nacho flavor is definitely my favorite of the two Madden ’11 Inspired Flavors, even though it’s just another addition to the long line of cheesy Doritos flavors. But that’s probably a good thing because while the folks at Doritos do a good job of creating chips that taste like meat, they do a much better job at develop cheesy-flavored chips. The Stadium Nacho has a nacho cheese sauce flavor that would make Taco Bell proud, and then make them check to see if any of their nacho cheese sauce patents were violated because the chips taste almost exactly like Taco Bell’s nacho cheese sauce. But what makes the Stadium Nacho tasty in my mind is the mild jalapeno flavor, which also gives the chips a very, very slight kick.

Since a new version of Madden is released every year, I’d like to see Doritos comes up with flavors inspired by Madden ’12. I’m hoping after the people at Doritos snort monosodium glutamate through a hollowed out Cheetos puff off of the gut of a future Biggest Loser contestant they’ll come up with hot dog or beer-flavored Doritos.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 ounce – Stadium Nachos – 140 calories, 60 calories from fat, 7 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 220 milligrams of sodium, 15 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 0 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein and 2% vitamin A. Tailgater BBQ – 140 calories, 60 calories from fat, 7 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 190 milligrams of sodium, 16 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, less than 1 gram of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 2% vitamin B6 and 2% magnesium.)

Item: Madden ’11 Inspired Doritos (Stadium Nacho & Tailgater BBQ)
Price: $2.98 each
Size: 11.5 ounces
Purchased at: The Blue Store That Makes Kmart Look Slightly Better
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Tailgater BBQ)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Stadium Nacho)
Pros: Accurate flavors. Stadium Nacho was tasty thanks to Taco Bell-ish nacho cheese sauce flavor and jalapeno flavor. Inventive Doritos flavors. 1960s Batman TV show. Winning the Super Bowl in Madden using the easy level of difficulty.
Cons: Tailgater BBQ’s pork flavor can seem a little weird. Contains MSG. Having John Madden saying “BOOM!” over and over again in your dreams. Trying to hollow out a Cheetos puff. Snorting MSG.

REVIEW: Baked! Lay’s Parmesan and Tuscan Herb

/ / Reviews / 16 Comments

There was a time when I liked Baked Lay’s and thought it was one of the greatest snacks ever invented, but I no longer have the same feelings. Of course, I enjoyed it in the late 1990s to early 2000s, when I had poor judgement and taste.

How poor?

Let me just say I had Creed’s “Higher” playing in heavy rotation on my Aiwa XP-V320 compact disc player and I wore a lot of jeans shorts with strategically placed tears in them.

But I’m glad I tried Baked Lay’s because it made me realize Creed was a shitty band and jeans shorts with strategically placed tears in them were never cool.

My love for Baked Lay’s was fleeting, just like Justin Bieber’s girlish voice will be after he passes puberty. I enjoyed it because it was a healthier alternative to regular potato chips. But the more I ate it, the more I realized it was a poor tasting substitute with the texture of a dehydrated sponge. When I finally came to this conclusion, it opened my eyes and made me realize I had no sense of fashion and that Scott Stapp was no Eddie Vedder.

Creed songs were like Baked Lay’s and visa versa. Both of them brought me no pleasure. As uplifting as their lyrics seemed, Creed songs have never made me feel good or made me want to play air guitar. And as healthy as they were, eating Baked Lay’s has never comforted me in a way that a bag of greasy potato chips does or made me want to get every last crumb of it by resting one of the bag’s open corners on my bottom lip and flicking the bag to let gravity bring whatever crumbs remain to my awaiting mouth.

Even when Lay’s introduced their cheddar and sour cream & onion varieties, I thought they were the Baked Lay’s version of Creed’s blander album Weathered. However, while Creed has gotten worse, Baked Lay’s has gotten better thanks to their latest flavor — Baked! Lay’s Parmesan and Tuscan Herb.

Unlike the cheddar and sour cream & onions versions, the Baked! Lay’s Parmesan and Tuscan Herb has a robust flavor that does a good job of hiding the fact that you’re eating a snack with the texture of a dehydrated sponge. The potato crisps (not chips, crisps) have a strong parmesan scent, which made me feel like I was snorting some lines of Kraft 100% Grated Parmesan Cheese with Chester Cheetah. However, while eating the crisps, the parmesan was less noticeable and the Tuscan herbs took over the flavor. I’m not sure what “Tuscan herbs” are, but in the ingredients list there’s basil, parsley, rosemary and dehydrated green and red bell peppers. The crisps’ flavor also has a hint of sour cream and a slight spicy kick.

Overall, the Baked! Lay’s Parmesan and Tuscan Herb was very tasty and slightly changed my opinion of Baked Lay’s. While its flavor does bring me some pleasure, it hasn’t changed my opinion that original Baked Lay’s sucks.

It sucks Creed hard.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 ounce – 120 calories, 3 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 1.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 210 milligrams of sodium, 310 milligrams of potassium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 2% calcium, 2% vitamin E and 2% iron.)

Item: Baked! Lay’s Parmesan and Tuscan Herb
Price: $3.49 (on sale)
Size: 8.75 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Robust flavor. Has a slight kick. Better for you than regular potato chips. Pearl Jam. Snorting lines of Kraft 100% Grated Parmesan Cheese with Chester Cheetah
Cons: Texture like a dehydrated sponge. Creed. Not as comforting as regular potato chips. Creed. Jeans shorts with strategically placed tears. Creed. What I liked in the late 1990s to early 2000s. Creed. Original Baked Lay’s.

REVIEW: Lay’s Balsamic Sweet Onion Potato Chips

/ / Reviews / 14 Comments

Thyme is an herb that adds flavor to the Lay’s Balsamic Sweet Onion Potato Chips and is loved by people who know how to cook and use cookbooks, which I personally know nothing about, since most of the food I consume comes from either drive-thru windows, is heated up in a microwave or is purchased from under a heating lamp at a convenience store.

Also, the combination of thyme and the Food Network makes for a decent drinking game. Go and get yourself a bottle of tequila, plop yourself in front of the television at nine in the morning and every time a Food Network personality says “thyme” you take a shot of tequila.

For some of you, drinking in the morning may seem weird, so to overcome that uncomfortableness just imagine you’re in an episode of Mad Men. By noon, you’ll be drunk enough that you’ll want to fight your television every time Bobby Flay or Guy Fieri appears on it. By two in the afternoon, you’ll think Paula Deen is frickin’ sexy and rub sticks of butter around your nipples. And by four in the afternoon, you’ll thankfully be passed out during Rachael Ray’s 30 Minute Meals.

When I first tried the Lay’s Balsamic Sweet Onion Potato Chips, I thought they tasted earthy, like I dragged my tongue across a forest floor. While I thought they were a bit odd tasting at first, I slowly began to enjoy their herby, sweet onion flavor as I ate more of them and at times I swear the chip’s flavor reminded me of a Totino’s Pepperoni Party Pizza. But with that initial flavor, I can easily understand why someone might not enjoy these chips.

While not everyone will like the Lay’s Balsamic Sweet Onion Potato Chips, I have to give credit to Lay’s for having the brass potatoes to develop a snack that probably won’t have mass appeal. I’d expect a company like Kettle Foods to come up with a flavor like this, but not a big snack conglomerate like Lay’s. Although, if the Food Network/thyme drinking game turned into the Food Network/thyme bong hit game, the Lay’s Balsamic Sweet Onion Potato Chips may just sell out.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 ounce – 160 calories, 10 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 4.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 4.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 160 milligrams of sodium, 115 milligrams of potassium, 16 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 2% calcium, 10% vitamin C and 4% iron.)

Item: Lay’s Balsamic Sweet Onion Potato Chips
Price: $2.99 (on sale)
Size: 10.5 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Unusual, but enjoyable herby, sweet onion flavor. At times the chips remind me of a Totino’s Pepperoni Party Pizza. Contains polyunsaturated and monounsaturated fat. Being passed out during Rachael Ray’s 30 Minute Meals. Rubbing sticks of butter around your nipples.
Cons: Not everyone will like it. Initial taste was like I dragged my tongue across a forest floor. My diet. 4 grams of trans fat in a serving of Totino’s Pepperoni Party Pizza. Being drunk enough that you want to fight your television.

Scroll to Top