REVIEW: Tostitos Hint of Pepper Jack Tortilla Chips

/ / Reviews / 10 Comments

Tostitos Hint of Pepper Jack

I am, at heart, a creature of habit. My wife is constantly irritated with me because she likes to experiment with cooking new foods, whereas I would happily spend the rest of my days eating the same five meals in rotation.  (Pizza, cheeseburgers, pasta, steaks, pancakes/waffles/French toast.  And grilled cheese.)  But honestly, once you find a formula that works, why would you want to mess with it?  I’ll take my Superman sans mullet or electrical powers, thank you.  So I’m always a little leery of the trend among snack food and soft drink manufacturers to be constantly rolling out new flavors.  If I probably won’t like them as much as the regular version and half of them won’t be around in a few months anyway, why bother?

And yet… I like pepper jack cheese.  And I really like Tostitos, for no particularly good reason I’ve ever been able to figure out.  I mean, they’re pretty much just salt and flour, right?  So watching me inhale a bowl of them during football season is basically the equivalent of watching a deer visiting a salt lick, except more pathetic because the deer doesn’t understand the concept of shame.  Nonetheless, as I told my wife, Tostitos were here when you showed up and they’ll still be around when you’re gone, so don’t try to come between us.  She understands.  It’s the same reason you don’t see me making her choose between me and wine, because there are no winners in that game.  Except wine.

The first thing you’ll notice when you open a bag of Hint of Pepper Jack Tostitos is the smell.  Regular Tostitos have an aroma that can best be described as “salt,” but the HoPJ’s definitely have more pop, a bolder scent that fits their in-your-face brand image.  It says that these chips have a statement to make and they don’t give a damn whether you like them or not.  That’s good; I like my snacks with some piss and hellfire to them.  I want chips that, if they were a movie, they’d be played by Samuel L. Jackson with a score by Isaac Hayes, and they’d call you a motherfucker a minimum of three times.  Why?  Because fuck you, that’s why.  Granted these aren’t habanero, but pepper jack often has some bite, so I was hoping the “hint” would turn out to be more of a belt.  I can take it, you sissies.

Tostitos Hint of Pepper Jack 2

Well, I have good news for those of you who read that last paragraph and thought, “Drew, you crazy” — while the chips definitely do taste of pepper jack, they aren’t going to be burning out your sinuses.  They’re eminently eatable for anyone, and that includes me; even if they aren’t overly powerful, they still taste good.  The Tostitos are more tangy than hot, and they have a slight cheese flavor, though not quite as much as I’d like.  My wife claims they taste quite a bit similar to ranch chips, for whatever that’s worth.  Personally I just liked them, though in moderation.  Like bacon-flavored beer, they’re a fun treat and a nice change of pace, but if you had to eat them every day you’d be jonesing for the regular variety before long.  If you’re feeling particularly mischievous, mix some HoPJs in with ordinary Tostitos at your next get-together and watch people’s faces.  Don’t do that with Hint of Lime Tostitos, though.  I once grabbed an innocuous-looking chip at a party and bit down, only to have to restrain myself from spitting it out because of all the people around.  First blood to you, lime chip.

Perhaps the most ringing endorsement I can offer is that after opening the bag, the Hint of Pepper Jack Tostitos lasted a total of 3 days in my house, whereas we still have 2 of chocolate creme Twinkies I reviewed last month left over.  That should tell you all you need to know.  From what I understand, the HoPJs are being treated as a permanent new flavor in the “Hint of” line, but you and I both know chips are only as permanent as there are consumers buying them.  So if you’re worried that these won’t have the mass appeal to stick it out, be sure to pick up a bag now.

(Nutrition Facts — 1 oz./about 6 chips — 140 calories, 60 calories from fat, 7 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 140 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 0 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.)

Item: Tostitos Hint of Pepper Jack Tortilla Chips
Price: $3.99
Size: One package
Purchased at: Acme
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Five foods is all you really need.  Intriguing smell.  Being played by Samuel MF’ing Jackson.  Edible by masochists and wimps alike.  Tastes good.  Mixing with regular Tostitos and watching the fun.  “Pepper Jack” would be a cool nickname when you’re old.
Cons: One step above a salt lick.  Mulleted Superman.  More of an occasional curiosity than a regular snack food.  Lime chips.  I fought the wine and the wine won.

REVIEW: Lay’s Dip Creations Garden Onion and Tostitos Dip Creations Freshly Made Guacamole Seasoning Mixes

/ / Reviews / 13 Comments

Lay's Dip Creations Garden Onion and Tostitos Dip Creations Freshly Made Guacamole Seasoning Mixes

Let’s get the dry (excuse the pun) part of Lay’s and Tostitos Dip Creations out of the way first: they are Dry Dip Mixes, or Seasoning Mixes, depending on if you’re reading the packet or Frito-Lay’s website. The packets say Seasoning Mixes, so I’ll go with that. For Lay’s Country Ranch and Garden Onion, you add the seasonings to 16 ounces of sour cream. For Tostitos Freshly Made Guacamole, you add them to three mashed up avocados.

Pretty straightforward. Now we’re all on the same page, right? Okay, good. Now we can get to the part where I overanalyze Frito-Lay’s marketing strategy and mock innocent bloggers.

Here’s the thing: Lay’s already sells ready-made Smooth Ranch and French Onion dips in jars. They are essentially competing with themselves; furthermore, they are competing with a product where all you have to do is twist a cap off. Tostitos surprisingly doesn’t already offer a jarred guacamole, but they’re putting their Dry Dip Mix up against products like Wholly Guacamole, which requires only that you snip the tip off a plastic bag and squeeze it into a bowl (or your mouth, you freak). It’s also made with real avocados and no preservatives.

So what’s the spin? What angle could Frito-Lay use to make Dip Creations appealing to the masses? To answer these questions, we need to go to F-L’s blog/transparently promotional tool, Snack Chat. Alexia, one of the resident bloggers, was put in charge of trying to convince me to buy Dip Creations, and this is how she did it:

“This year, I’m making a real commitment to improve my cooking skills. I’ve found some great products that are helping me with this goal, like pre-marinated chicken meat — the key to flavorful fajitas and salads. Another helpful product is one we just introduced at Frito-Lay. It’s a line of seasoning mixes called Tostitos and Lay’s Dip Creations.”

Sit down with me, Alexia. Let’s have a real snack chat. Ready? Okay. ADDING POWDERED SEASONING TO SOUR CREAM AND AVOCADOS IS NOT A FORM OF IMPROVING YOUR COOKING SKILLS. Yes, I can see it now: one minute you’re mixing ranch powder into sour cream, the next you’re head chef at a Michelin three-star restaurant. James Beard award, here you come!

But wait, Alexia isn’t done yet. “I’ve tried them all, and all three make pretty amazing (and easy-to-prepare) dips -– the kind people might think came from a family recipe.”

You know what the family recipe is for onion dip? Lipton Onion Soup Mix and sour cream. True inspiration, there. And if you waved a packet of Tostitos Dip Creations Freshly Made Guacamole Seasoning Mix in the face of someone’s abuelita and told her it was just like her cherished homemade guacamole, she would throw a bowl of steaming hot refried beans in your face. That’s just insulting.

I only picked up Garden Onion and Freshly Made Guacamole (a sketchy name for a seasoning packet) and not Country Ranch because a.) I know onion dip like the back of my hand and Lipton has always ruled the school, b.) I want to see Freshly Made Guacamole either fail horribly or blow away my expectations, and c.) I don’t need two tubs of sour cream in my fridge, and besides, I feel like making Country Ranch dip would be insulting to the ever-present bottle of Kraft Ranch Dressing that helps make my pizza crusts edible. Just wanted to clarify, in case anybody wants to scream “WHERE’S THE RANCH?” Don’t mess with an old lady’s schtick from 1984.

Garden Onion

Lay's Dip Creations Garden Onion Seasoning Mix Powder

The instructions, or “cooking skills improvement guide” as Alexia might call them, are simple and obvious: blend 16 ounces sour cream with one packet of Garden Onion, let it sit in the fridge for one hour. I usually let my onion dip set up for at least six hours, so I had some doubts about such a short time for letting the powder blend into the sour cream, allowing the flavors to meld. I was pleasantly surprised to find that, after the allotted hour, the powder seemed completely dissolved.

The flavor will probably improve after a longer gestation period in the fridge, but after such a short time, I was a little disappointed in the level of onioniness (stare at that made-up word for a while, your eyes will cross) in my Garden Onion dip. The distinctive onion flavor was still there, but it was much more subtle than a dip made with Lipton’s Onion Soup Mix.

Lay's Dip Creations Garden Onion

I was surprised to find little crunchy bits of onion spread throughout the dip. They added an extra dimension of onion and you could feel the crunch, even with the crispiness of the potato chip I was using as dip delivery device. I’m left wondering if the little bits of dried onion will soften as the dip sits longer, but I hope they don’t, because it was a nice contrast to the smoothness of the sour cream.

Freshly Made Guacamole

Tostitos Dip Creations Freshly Made Guacamole Seasoning Mix Powder

Again, simple instructions: mash three large avocados, mix in seasoning, let sit for 30 minutes. It’s not often that I have to handle fresh produce for a review. I found myself in a strange section of the grocery store that had food that wasn’t in a bag or a box.

“I hear this shit comes from the ground, what the hell,” my husband said.

“That’s gross,” I replied.

Despite my revulsion at having to handle something that doesn’t contain 17 different unpronounceable chemicals, I needed to get the avocados for the review, so I put on a brave face and got through it. This “recipe” takes a bit more work; after stirring the Garden Onion, mashing the avocados, and then stirring in the guacamole seasoning mix, my hand was as tired as a desperate hooker’s after giving handjobs at the bus station all day.

Tostitos Dip Creations Freshly Made Guacamole

I was even more worried about this dip than the onion dip, because the powder looked much chunkier and the instructions called for an even shorter set-up period in the fridge. Once again, however, I was pleasantly surprised; the guacamole was smooth – well, as smooth as I got it before I gave up pulverizing the meat of three avocados with a fork.

Even more surprising was the flavor. I didn’t want to like it, but I couldn’t deny it. It was darn tasty. The onion and garlic flavors were prominent, and while I couldn’t detect any heat or flavor from the jalapeno pepper, there was something in the seasoning mix that gave it that guacamole twang. I kept eating it, trying to find a reason not to like it, but my only objection was the lack of jalapeno.

I wanted to hate Lay’s and Tostitos Dip Creations Seasoning Mixes. I’m not sure why; I guess all of Alexia’s talk of cooking improvement and family recipes got me all wound up. Lay’s Garden Onion didn’t really do it for me; I liked the crunchy bits, but the onion flavor just wasn’t strong enough. I’ll stand by my Lipton’s, but if you like a milder onion flavor, Lay’s could work for you. To save myself from having someone’s abuelita break into my house and scald my face with beans, I will say, there’s no substitution for chopping up your own vegetables and making fresh guacamole. However, I am a lazy, lazy person, and Tostitos Freshly Made Guacamole manages to hit the spot in a surprisingly sufficient way. I was disappointed by the lack of jalapeno, but I can add some hot sauce to give it some heat. In the end, I have to admit, Dip Creations is a solid product line for someone like me who wants to make dip without a lot of effort.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/16 package – Lay’s Dip Creations Garden Onion Seasoning Mix – package – 5 calories, 0 calories from fat, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 140 milligrams of sodium, 1 gram of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 0 grams of sugars, 0 grams of protein. Tostitos Dip Creations Freshly Made Guacamole Seasoning Mix – 5 calories, 0 calories from fat, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 120 milligrams of sodium, 1 gram of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 0 grams of sugars, 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Lay’s Dip Creations Garden Onion and Tostitos Dip Creations Freshly Made Guacamole Seasoning Mixes
Price: $1.59
Size: 1 oz. packet
Purchased at: Fry’s Foods
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Lay’s Dip Creations Garden Onion)
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Tostitos Dip Creations Freshly Made Guacamole)
Pros: Guacamole had great onion and garlic taste. Taking out my anger on avocados. Garden Onion had tasty crunchy bits. Angry abuelitas. Dips set up quickly in the fridge.
Cons: Garden Onion wasn’t oniony enough. Alexia and her cooking skills. Guacamole lacked jalapeno flavor and heat. The big scary produce section. Bus station handjob syndrome.

REVIEW: SunChips Jalapeno Jack Flavored Multigrain Snacks

/ / Reviews / 10 Comments

SunChips Jalapeño Jack Flavored Multigrain Snacks Bag

In the large, often nepotistic and incestuous (both words I used to win the 6th grade regional spelling bee) world of Frito-Lay, SunChips is the hippy that chained itself to a tree to prevent loggers from cutting down the local forest. SunChips got pepper-sprayed for protesting animal testing. SunChips likes to play hacky sack.

SunChips also created a chip bag that biodegrades, which is obviously cool and very environmentally friendly. However, people didn’t like it, because it was too loud. Really. Too loud. I’m far from a treehugger, but seriously people, don’t be assholes. It’s a bag that dissolves in 14 weeks. Deal with the crinkling. Not to be deterred, SunChips created a quieter bag, because SunChips is determined to save the planet, despite all those audio-sensitive butt-horns. Unfortunately, only specially-marked bags of Original flavor are biodegradable, so my bag of Jalapeño Jack SunChips will be hanging around the landfill for a while.

SunChips Jalapeño Jack Flavored Multigrain Snacks All Natural

Do not despair, however; these chips are good for you! Made with all natural ingredients, no preservatives and no artificial flavors, Jalapeño Jack also contains no MSG, 0 grams of trans fat, and 18 grams of Whole Grain! It’s like a Whole Foods store in a bag!

Ehhh, not so fast there, buddy. I always thought SunChips were a healthier alternative to other chips, but I stumbled across an interesting comparison – Jalapeño Jack SunChips just baaaarely edge out Tostitos Artisan Recipes chips in calories and fat, actually contain more sodium, and contain just one gram more of dietary fiber. Now, granted, nutritionally they blow away the greasier chips, but I hold SunChips to a higher standard, and I found it surprising that Tostitos could go toe-to-toe with Frito-Lay’s “healthy” chips.

But hey! 18 grams of Whole Grains! Let’s see Tostitos beat THAT! (They could actually beat that I have no idea.)

Okay, now that I’ve blown your mind and shattered your worldview about the nutritional integrity of SunChips, let’s get to the chips themselves. I have to admit, I’ve had SunChips once, maybe twice, many years ago. I’ve never been a consciously healthy eater (shocking!), so when I’m in the chip aisle, there’s about 200 other chips I’d rather buy than SunChips. I have a very vague memory of what they taste like. I’ll take this as an advantage, as I can come to the table with a fresh palate.

SunChips Jalapeño Jack Flavored Multigrain Snacks Chips

From the mouth of SunChips: “Jalapeño Jack flavored SunChips are just the right balance of tongue-tingling Jalapeño with the creamy smooth taste of Monterey Jack cheese. Our newest creation is for bold snackers who like a chip with a little kick.”

One point to SunChips for actually utilizing the diacritical tilde. I go into an unrealistic rage whenever I see someone use the word jalapeno. I worked for a company owned by Spaniards for four years, and alt+0241 comes as naturally to me as using the shift button instead of caps lock when I’m yelling at someone on the Internet. Make the extra effort, people. It will give grammar spergs one less twitch of the eye.

Where was I? Oh, right, the chips! I actually didn’t think jalapeño would be a good fit with so much whole grain. Not sure why; they just didn’t seem like a good fit. I also figured the flavors would be pretty subtle. Of the few SunChips I’ve had, they were all Original flavor, but it just seemed to me that SunChips would go the muted route.

I was pleased to find I was wrong on at least one of these points. When I opened the bag, I was greeted with a very strong but pleasant spicy cheese smell. The cheese came through more in the smell than the taste, however. There was a nice hint of cheese when the chip hit my tongue, but it was quickly overshadowed by the wheat flavor of the chip itself and the Jalapeño flavor powder. They claim the cheese to be Monterey Jack, but really, let’s be honest, there’s pretty much two cheese flavors in the chip world – “nacho” and “generic cheese flavor that can be passed off as pretty much any other cheese”. At least, that’s how I feel. Perhaps my palate isn’t refined enough to distinguish between different cheese powders.

The Jalapeño heat built as I went along, with the height of the heat being just right. It definitely wasn’t bashful, but it didn’t hit you over the head, either. I enjoyed the wheat flavor, too, but I’m not sure the two should have joined forces. It wasn’t disgusting, or even disconcerting; I just feel like the two flavors were fighting for dominance over my taste buds, instead of holding hands and being friends.

I didn’t not like SunChips Jalapeño Jack Flavored Multigrain Snacks, but they didn’t exactly wow me. The hint of cheese is tasty, but quickly disappears, and the Jalapeño and wheat don’t mesh as well as say, Jalapeño and tortilla fit together. With so many other chip options out there, I’ll probably never buy these again, but if they were offered to me as a free snack, I wouldn’t turn them down. For die-hard SunChip fans, they might be worth a try.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 ounce/about 15 chips – 140 calories, 60 calories from fat, 6 grams of total fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 3.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 135 milligrams of sodium, 19 grams of total carbohydrates, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 2 grams of sugars, 2 grams of protein, 2% iron, 6% vitamin E, 2% niacin, 4% phosphorus, 2% magnesium.)

Item: SunChips Jalapeño Jack Flavored Multigrain Snacks
Price: $2.49 (on sale; reg. $3.79)
Size: 10.5 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Jalapeño has just the right of heat. Diacritical tildes. All-natural ingredients with 18 grams of Whole Grains. Hippies getting pepper sprayed. Hint of cheese was good.
Cons: Jalapeño and wheat didn’t go together that well. Hacky sacks. Not enough cheese flavor. Jalapeno. SunChips not as healthy as you’d think.

REVIEW: Ruffles Molten Hot Wings and Ruffles Loaded Chili & Cheese

/ / Reviews / 6 Comments

Ruffles Molten Hot Wings and Ruffles Loaded Chili & Cheese

Frito-Lay introduced two new Ruffles flavors in late January, just in time for Valentine’s Day!

(What’s that? They probably chose to release it then to coincide with the Super Bowl? Well, I didn’t get around to writing this review until after the Super Bowl, so… just… play along, ok? The sooner you accept the conceit, the sooner I’ll wrap up my customarily self-indulgent introductory paragraphs and get to the actual reviewing. Cool? Cool.)

Ahem. And good thing, too – I was hoping there’d be fun new snacks to go with the beer and pizza at my annual Valentine’s Day party!

The first Ruffles Molten Hot Wing potato chip tasted overwhelmingly like vinegar, so much so that I momentarily thought I had somehow bought a mislabeled bag of Salt & Vinegar chips. But once my mouth grew acclimated to the vinegar, the hot sauce flavor began to shine through, and each additional chip increased my overall enjoyment of the chip-eating experience. They had the same great ridges and crunchiness as regular Ruffles do, and the aftertaste had a nice smokiness, though I wouldn’t describe it as particularly hot and certainly not as “molten.”

I’m totally willing to overlook the initial vinegar blast because I love Salt & Vinegar chips anyway, so that means my one issue with these chips is the name. I was expecting something significantly spicier out of a “Molten Hot” product, but all I got was, as mentioned, a nice smokiness. Actually, “Ruffles Nice & Smoky Buffalo Wings” wouldn’t be a bad name at all. It’s kind of catchy in its own right and it would better manage consumer expectations. Under-promise and over-deliver, as we say in the biz. (Note: I don’t know who “we” are and what “biz” I’m talking about.) If Ruffles actually used my new product name, I would probably tack two points onto the score for this review. Your move, Frito-Lay.

The flavor profile of the Loaded Chili & Cheese was similarly sequential: first came the taste of cheese, then came the taste of chili. Both tastes of the Loaded Chili & Cheese were less intense than those of the Molten Hot Wings, but the LC&C did have the added bonus of tinges of onion and garlic which play well with the chili and cheese powders. As expected, these chips also had the distinctive texture of classic Ruffles. I wish I could say more about this product, but I think the vinegar and hot sauce had dulled my palate by the time I got to the second round of chips. But hey, at least now you know the Loaded Chili & Cheese would still be pretty good even after you slightly burn your mouth on a slice of pizza at whatever Valentine’s Day party you’re going to.

Before wrapping up, I should mention that the packaging of these new flavors leaves something to be desired. Unlike with Doritos, where the cost of designing the flashy bags probably rivals the cost of developing the new flavors themselves, the Ruffles bags look like they were hastily mocked up by a crappy Photoshop artist under deadline. I’m not sure if “uncreative potato chip bag design” is a legitimate complaint or if I’m just Exhibit A of Louis CK’s “Everything is Amazing and Nobody’s Happy” syndrome. (See here. I’m definitely Exhibit A, aren’t I?) But I guess my point is, when you go to the supermarket snack aisle, make sure to pay attention for these new flavors because otherwise the packaging may very well fail to catch your eye.

In conclusion, A) You should try both of these new flavors, B) I hope you have fun with all your Valentine’s Day-related eating, drinking, gambling, and commercial watching, and C) Now we all know that I’m capable of dragging out a semi-nonsensical joke through an entire review!

Happy Valentine’s Day!

(Nutrition Facts – 1 ounce – Ruffles Molten Hot Wings – 160 calories, 90 calories from fat, 10 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 170 milligrams of sodium, 360 milligrams of potassium, 16 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, less than 1 gram of sugar and 2 grams of protein. Ruffles Loaded Chili & Cheese – 160 calories, 90 calories from fat, 10 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 180 milligrams of sodium, 220 milligrams of potassium, 15 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 1 gram of sugar and 2 grams of protein.)

Item: Ruffles Molten Hot Wings and Ruffles Loaded Chili & Cheese
Price: $3.99 each
Size: 9.5 ounces
Purchased at: Super Foodtown
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Molten Hot Wings)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Loaded Chili & Cheese)
Pros: For MHW, strong vinegar taste and nice smoky aftertaste. For LC&C, all the flavors work well together. Both have classic Ruffles ridges and crunchiness. Valentine’s Day parties. Beer and pizza at Valentine’s Day parties. Louis CK. “Ruffles Nice & Smokey Buffalo Wings.”
Cons: Neither tastes particularly spicy. Packaging is uncreative. Misleadingly-named products. “The biz.” People who say “the biz.” Burning your mouth on pizza. Forgetting to review new potato chips flavors before the Super Bowl.

REVIEW: Doritos Pizza Supreme

/ / Reviews / 13 Comments

Doritos Pizza Supreme

Do you want a friend to punch you in the face?

The first thing you’re going to have to do is plan a day long hiking trip and invite your friend to come along. It should be a long and physically punishing hike. It should also be far away from civilization and involve either a raging river, steep cliffs or wildlife that could kill you. Tell your friend that you’ll be driving and responsible for packing and carrying the food and water on the hike. Pack a few bottles of water and finger food snacks, like granola, fruits, carrot sticks, raw meat and other foods you normally wouldn’t eat.

When you’re on the hike, stop for occasional water breaks. If your friend wants to eat, tell him or her that they should wait until they get to a good place to rest and that there’s one up ahead. After 15 minutes have gone by and your friend asks, “Are we there yet?”, say that it’s just around the corner. At this point, keep an eye out for a raging river, steep cliffs, or a bear. After 30 minutes have passed and your friend asks, “Are we fucking there yet?”, tell your friend not yet. Continue to look out for a raging river, steep cliff, or a creature that could maul you. When you do end up next to a river, next to a cliff or in the view of a wild animal, tell your friend that the two of you should stop to take a break.

This next part is essential if you want your friend to punch you in the face, and what you do depends on whether you’re next to a river, steep cliff or wild beast who could eat you for dinner. If you’re next to a river, pretend to trip and fall, drop the food into the river and yell, “Aaack, the food fell into the river and it’s being taken away by the current!” If you’re next to a steep cliff, pretend to trip and fall, drop the food over the edge of the cliff, and yell, “Aaack, the food fell over the edge and I can’t get to it!” If you’re near a wild deadly animal, point at the beast, throw the food at it, and yell, “Aaack, (insert beast type here)! I threw our food at it. We should run away while it’s distracted.”

Then you and your friend should run back to your car. Make sure neither of you gets captured and eaten by the wild animal, or everything would’ve been in vain. When back in your car, begin the long drive home. By now, your friend will be hungry and tired and will tell you to stop somewhere for food, but tell your friend you’re craving pizza and will order one and have it delivered when the two of you get back.

If possible, try to get pulled over by the police for speeding.

When the two of you get back of your place, pretend to order a pizza without having to make an actual call, then tell your friend that the pizza place will deliver it in 30 minutes.

After 30 minutes have passed by and you friend asks, “Where’s the pizza?”, say it should be here any minute. After 45 minutes have passed and your friend asks, “Where’s the fucking pizza?”, pretend to look agitated and then pick up your phone and pretend to call the pizza place. While on the phone, nod your head a few times, say “It better get here soon” and then hang up. By the time one hour passes, your friend should be extremely hungry, tired and grumpy, so tell your friend that you’ll wait outside for the pizza delivery person. When you get outside, yell “Finally, it’s about time. I should get a free pizza for this.” Then open the door, look back like you’re talking to a delivery person and say, “The only tip I’m going to give you is to not take so damn long to deliver a pizza.” Then slam the door behind you.

Then grab a bag of Doritos Pizza Supreme, run towards your friend, and throw the bag at your friend’s face while yelling, “It’s not delivery. It’s Doritos. And your mom is a whore!”

If this doesn’t get your friend to punch you in the face, I don’t know what will.

Doritos Pizza Supreme Naked

The flavor of the Doritos Pizza Supreme is supposed to be complex like the 700-plus word instructions for a sociological Rube Goldberg machine that you just read. According to Frito-Lay, thanks to their “Flavor Plus” technology, we’re supposed to be able to taste every ingredient found on a supreme pizza, which usually includes, sausage, pepperoni, bell peppers, mushrooms, onions and olives.

While my taste buds had trouble picking out each component found on a supreme pizza, as a whole, the Doritos Pizza Supreme did taste like a supreme pizza and I enjoyed them. Although, I had my doubts because when I opened the bag it smelled like a Totino’s Pepperoni Party Pizza. Besides the flavor, everything else about these chips are typical of most Doritos: the crunch, the triangular shape of each chip and the cheesy powder that gets stuck to your fingers, like iron shavings on a magnet.

Currently, the Doritos Pizza Supreme is only available for a limited time, but I hope they’re successful enough that they become a permanent flavor, because I like them. I also hope Doritos continues to make more chips that taste like greasy fast food, because they seem to be adept at it. I don’t know how Frito-Lay’s “Flavor Plus” technology works, but I bet it’s as complex as trying to get a friend to punch you in the face, Rube Goldberg-style.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 package – 240 calories, 120 calories from fat, 14 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 7 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 3 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 290 milligrams of sodium, 27 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, less than 1 gram of sugar, 3 grams of protein, 4% vitamin A and 2% iron.)

Item: Doritos Pizza Supreme
Price: $1.09
Size: 1.75 ounces
Purchased at: Subway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: It tastes like a supreme pizza. Tasty. Getting a friend to punch you in the face Rube Goldberg-style. Crunchy. 7 grams of polyunsaturated fat. Leaves cheesy residue on fingers. Frito-Lay’s Flavor Plus technology. Getting to say, “It’s not delivery. It’s Doritos.”
Cons: Smells like Totino’s Pepperoni Party Pizza. Couldn’t pick out every single ingredient found on a supreme pizza. Contains MSG. Available for a limited time.

Scroll to Top