Somebody at Lay’s is either confused or horny, or perhaps both. On its packaging, there’s an artist’s palette that says “Do us a Flavor.” Instead of paint blobs, there is basil, tomato and other assorted rustic ingredients on the wooden plate. What the hell does painting and flavors have anything to do with each other?

I’m not sure what Lay’s means because a palate regarding taste is different than this kind of palette. If they mean artisan by those ingredients, fine…but that’s not the same as artist. The connection between paint and edibility manifests something else entirely, which could be the worst form of subliminal message with “Do us…” I really shouldn’t overthink it because the harder I process this, the quicker my mind will melt.

The only thing I’m certain of is it’s a contest that could win me one million buckaroos if I create a new flavor (Smoked haddock and mussels, mmmm). Maybe that’s the tie that binds? Creating is what artists do and you’re an artist if you invent a new kind of chip. Either way, Lay’s is misguided because when I think of paint and eating I think of two things: Kids noshing on lead paint chips from China or edible paint on boobs (and thingies).

Let’s be honest, I’m not here to give you my thoughts on the theme of a contest. We just want to know how good or bad these LIMITED EDITION Lay’s Sweet Onion Potato Chips are.

Like the primary colors, I believe potato chips for the most part, come in three main flavors. Think of a prism when direct light beams in and the color spectrum flows out. All the other varieties fall into the wide range between the three categories as I shall explain below.

Category one is the potato chip where the potato is still the overriding taste, such as the ordinary boring potato chip or Salt & Vinegar.

Category two are the bbq-ish chips that can range from honey mesquite to ketchup flavors.

Category three is some type of sour cream, oniony garlicky concoction.

If you think about all the potato chips you’ve tasted, they should fall into one of the three.

Of course, I’m oversimplifying it as there are oddities that might not fit, like pickle or the weirdo ones from Walker’s crisps (Irish Famine or something like that). Have you seen some of their varieties? I’m not sure if I should be jealous or repulsed, maybe both.

In America, we get sweet onion which makes its home in the onion-garlic realm extremely well. I hope Lay’s reconsiders the limited edition title and makes it permanent. I also hope Lay’s reconsiders the stupid “Do us a flavor” theme but everyone is a critic in today’s string theory universe.

Upon opening this purple bag, I inhaled the zesty smell of onions. Like cutting into a red onion, a fresh acidic scent gently hit my nose. But the best part, no tears.

That was a good sign, if not a spoken promise that these onion chips were going to knock me in the ghoulies with taste. Busted testicles or not, Lay’s has a winner.

I normally eat chips one by one because I hate the grease and salt crystals that sometime coat my fingers. However, I found myself hamfisting these while watching the Olympics. Yes, I see the irony of eating chips as I watch athletes competing at a world class level, but I never wanted to swim in the 200 meters anyway.

Obvious and true, these sweet onion chips are the freaking tops. They’re sweet and musky but the pleasure of onion hugs my tongue, then the tastes build on each other before it donkeypunches my taste buds. Like a slow roar from a crowd, these chips are not subtle but they coax the intensity of sweet onion slowly.

The first thing I tasted was the heady onion, similar to a bag of Funyuns. Then the garlic slapped me on the ass and, finally, that molasses bukkaked on my face with literally sweet, sweet pleasure. I should also point out that the molasses adds complexity because it doesn’t overshadow the deepness of the chip. Finally, a touch of vinegar brings the chip to life.

Lay’s, you clever bastard. Who would’ve thought tweaking the sugar meter of a sour cream and onion chip would work? Lay’s did, and I will more than happily submit to this bag on my knees wearing a gimp mask.

Now with every fun-time, there’s a mess and these chips are very greasy. I had to wipe my hands on napkins, my trousers, and various pieces of furniture after devouring a handful. The other problem is that eating too many will numb the intensity of the flavors. I found myself on the declining end of the deliciousness curve bell by over-indulging.

The chip is well balanced between the savory onion and salt. It’s a superb thought-out snack and I beg of Lay’s to please make it a regular offering. If Donkeypunches were as good as these chips, I would walk around with knots on the back of my head every day.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 ounces/15 chips – 160 calories, 10 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 160 milligrams of sodium,15 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 2 grams of sugars, and 2 grams of protein.)

Item: Limited Edition Lay’s Sweet Onion Potato Chips
Price: $4.29
Size: 10 ounce bag
Purchased at: Publix, where the cashiers are too friendly and the customers are seething
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Just as the bag says, sweet onion and it’s delicious. Flavors build up nicely. Zesty scent of onions. The Olympics! The garlic and molasses adds depth as well as complexity. Donkeypunch jokes make me laugh.
Cons: Eating too many will numb the taste. Greasy as hell. NBC’s Olympics coverage has been riddled with snafu’s and spoiler ruinificationisms. Limited Edition for now. The “Do Us A Flavor” theme is ill conceived. Actually donkeypunching someone is not cool.