REVIEW: Hershey’s Kisses with Peanut Butter

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(Editor’s Note: Today’s review is mostly for the dudes out there, but it might have some helpful tidbits for you ladies as well.)

Holy crap! It’s Valentine’s Day and you did absolutely nothing for your woman! All the roses are sold out. Too late to make dinner reservations ANYWHERE! The candy stores are closed. Well don’t fret, homie! The Impulsive Buy has got your back, dawg!

First off, tell your honey to come over to your place at a certain time. Then go buy a couple of bags of Hershey’s Kisses with Peanut Butter, about $250 worth of small vanilla-scented candles, some fresh strawberries and grapes, a few mylar heart-shaped balloons, some nice parchment, a calligraphy set, a tiger print loincloth, and the latest issue of GQ magazine.

Some optional things include, condoms, satin sheets, edible water-based lubricant, fuzzy handcuffs, the key to open the handcuffs, a feather, massage oils, Barry White and Marvin Gaye CDs, a paint brush, and the game Twister.

When you have everything, the first thing you should do is make a trail of Hershey’s Kisses with Peanut Butter from the front door to the bedroom.

If you live in a dorm room, you’re not going to need many Hershey’s Kisses to lead a woman to your bedroom. If you live in the Playboy Mansion, on the other hand, you also won’t need as many Hershey’s Kisses, because there is a 99 percent chance that a woman is already in your bedroom.

Now when she opens the door, make sure she sees the trail of Hershey’s Kisses. Use a lit candle, a flower, a balloon, or a picture of Brad Pitt to grab her attention toward the trail of chocolatey goodness. Also, leave a note that’s written on nice parchment in calligraphy that says, “The number of Hershey’s Kisses you pick up, will be the number of kisses I’ll give you tonight.”

You don’t have to mean it, but it sounds super romantic.

Since the trail leads to your bedroom, you have to make your room romantic. Since chicks dig candles, place the small vanilla-scented candles all over the room. Unless she’s a pyromaniac, then I’d consider not having any candles, matches, or lighters in your place. I’d also consider unplugging your stove and oven.

The most important thing about the candles is to not light them all. Maybe light about 25 percent of them, because you don’t want a lot of light, you want a little illumination, because it looks more romantic and you’ll have a lot of unused candles, which you can return to the store the next day.

In your bedroom, you should also have a bowl of fresh strawberries and grapes. When she’s in your bedroom, lying next to you, feed her the fruits. You want to make her feel like Cleopatra in one of those Egyptian wall drawings or in one of the many Technicolor films about her life.

Before she arrives, make sure you have your tiger-print loincloth on. It has to be a tiger-print loincloth because what you want to convey to her is that you are an animal. A Spongebob Squarepants loincloth will not work because it will convey that you are an eight-year-old who hasn’t had an erection yet.

The GQ magazine has a double role here. Scan through the magazine and look at all the poses the male models are in and pick one that you like. When your woman enters the room, the pose that you are in should be the pose that you pick.

The other role the GQ magazine plays in this romantic scene is it’s something you can read while you wait for your woman to arrive.

Now when she enters the bedroom, tell her to come closer, and use one of these lines.

1. “These Hershey’s Kisses maybe sweet, but you’re sweeter.”
2. “These Hershey’s Kisses with Peanut Butter may have the winning combination of chocolate and peanut butter, but you and I make an even more winning combination.”
3. “If you think you’ve got a lot of “Kisses” now, come next to me and I’ll give you even more.
4. “I’ve got Hershey’s Kisses all over my body. Why don’t you come here and find them?”

After all of that, she should want to make sweet, sweet lovin’ with you, unless she either thinks you look really silly in that loincloth or she found out about the sexual transmitted diseases you have.

Finally, here’s a little warning for you: DO NOT EAT ANY OF THE HERSHEY’S KISSES WITH PEANUT BUTTER!

Why?

Because you don’t want peanut butter breath while making sweet, sweet lovin’.

Also, because the Hershey’s Kisses with Peanut Butter are frickin’ addictive. If you eat just one, your romantic trail of chocolaty goodness to your bedroom will disappear. They’re not as good as Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, but they’re pretty darn close.

So if you follow these steps, you will dodge the last minute Valentine’s Day bullet, get a little sweet, sweet lovin’, and get to pretend you’re Tarzan with your tiger-print loincloth.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Sasha_Kitty who told me about the Hershey’s Kisses with Peanut Butter a few months ago. I would’ve reviewed them sooner, but I didn’t find them until the other week. I will blame this on the fact that I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.)

Item: Hershey’s Kisses with Peanut Butter
Purchase Price: $3.79
Rating: 4.5 out of 5
Pros: Damn good. The combination of chocolate AND peanut butter. Addictive. Sweet, sweet lovin’.
Cons: Peanut butter breath while making sweet, sweet lovin’. Being laughed at while wearing a tiger-print loincloth. My lonely Valentine’s Day.

Hershey’s Kissables

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As some of you may know from being long time readers of The Impulsive Buy, I am an awesome kisser.

But this wasn’t always the case.

I remember the first girl I ever kissed. It happened during my senior year in high school and I was seeing a girl who was a junior at a different high school than me. Her name was…

Oh, maybe it would be safe to NOT put her name here. She might deny it if she ever found out I wrote about it.

Anyway, we were lying face to face on the carpet of her family’s living room, just talking about typical high school things. Then she stopped talking and looked deeply into my eyes. I noticed her look, stopped talking, and then looked deeply into her eyes. She drew her face closer to mine and closed her eyes. My male carnal instincts knew that she wanted to kiss me, so I closed my eyes and drew my lips towards hers. As our lips touched…

What the hell!?! I sound like a trashy romance novel. Blech!

Anyway, we made out for ten minutes. She knew what she was doing, but I didn’t. So when we pulled our lips apart, I looked at her and she looked at me, then I looked at her mouth. You know the term “swapping spit”? Well we did that, but I took it a little too literally.

I either had really overactive saliva glands, thought her mouth was a spittoon, or I was a Pavlonian dog, because there was saliva running down her chin and a shimmering ring of saliva around AND above her lips.

Sadly, that extremely wet, sloppy kiss probably led to her decision to break up with me a week later.

However, after years of training with pillows, my fists, CPR dummies, numerous photos of either Winona Ryder, Angelina Jolie, or Lisa Loeb with their lips cut out, and bowls of Jello, I have become an expert kisser. A makeoutologist, if you will.

I now know when to kiss, how much pressure to use, when to use the tongue, when to gently bite her lower lip, when to kiss her on the chin, when to kiss her on the eyelids, when to stick my tongue in her ear, when to suck on her nose, and when to lick her eyebrows.

Don’t believe me? Just watch this video of me making out.

Despite dozens of photos with lips cut out and all my other efforts, I am apparently still not as kissable as the new Hershey’s Kissables, which are candy coated mini chocolate Hershey’s Kisses.

What do they have that I don’t have?

Multi-colored candy coatings?

Yeah, that’s great if I wanted to be in a Benetton ad, but I don’t.

Shaped like Hershey’s Kisses?

I hate to say this, but Hershey’s Kisses have always looked like steaming coils of dog poop.

Tasty chocolatey goodness?

If I had some chocolate pudding and rubbed it all over me, I could be tasty chocolatey goodness too.

Seriously, there’s nothing really special about Hershey’s Kissables, because they taste like M&M’s. However, tasting like M&M’s is a good thing, because I love them M&M’s.

If you hate M&M’s then you probably won’t like these, and you probably hate puppies and kitten too.

(Editor’s Note: Check out Cybele’s Candy Blog for another review. Go read TG’s take on Hershey’s Kissables. Finally, The Message Whore also reviewed them, but I can’t find the review due to his server crashing, but go show LordJezo some love.)

Item: Hershey’s Kissables
Purchase Price: 55 cents
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Tasty chocolatey goodness. Tastes like M&M’s. Colorful like a Benetton ad. I’m a makeoutologist.
Cons: My first kiss. Hershey’s Kisses look like coils of dog poop. I might have overactive saliva glands. My ability to write love scenes for trashy romance novels.

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups with Caramel

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There probably have been thousands of ideas in the history of ideas that have looked good on paper, but in the end never really turned out to be very good. For example, dnL, Cowboy Troy, and Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo.

Oh wait, I’m sorry. All of those things pretty much also sucked on paper. But you get the idea.

Now we can add the new Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups with Caramel to the list. Usually, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups have the ability to make women orgasm more quickly than any man (Or woman. Or vibrating object. Or picture of Brad Pitt.) could.

However, after eating a couple packs of this new Reese’s variation, I can safely say that women will not orgasm after eating it, because the caramel is apparently a culinary cock block.

I really like caramel. I like them on apples. I like them in Twix. I like Eva Longoria.

But the caramel in the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups with Caramel seemed to overpower the flavor of the peanut butter.

It’s kind of like how Star Jones sometimes overpowers the rest women on The View, not only because she’s loud and obnoxious, but also because I think the other women are afraid to say anything because Star might eat them.

There’s a reason why Barbara Walters doesn’t sit next to her, and that reason is…Appetizer.

The Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups with Caramel were good, but the caramel made the peanut butter cups a little too sweet for my tastes. It also made the peanut butter cups is a little too unstable for my tastes.

With normal Reese’s, the top and bottom are pretty firm when you pinch them. However, because the caramel, which is underneath the peanut butter, has more of a liquid consistency than peanut butter, the chocolate at bottom of each peanut butter cup is kind of soft, which could easily crack, cause a gooey caramel-ly mess, and make you more edible for Star Jones.

Item: Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups with Caramel
Purchase Price: 53 cents
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Good, but not as good as the original. Eva Longoria. Caramel apples.
Cons: Star Jones. Caramel dominated the peanut butter flavor, making it a little too sweet. Caramel on the bottom makes the peanut butter cup less stable. Using the word “because” three times in a sentence. Star Jones when she’s hungry.

REVIEW: Limited Edition Coffee Kit Kat

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Limited Edition Coffee KitKat

Kit Kat, because of its four chocolate covered wafer fingers, is the perfect candy for sharing, making fake walrus teeth with, and always comes in handy if you’re being attacked by Star Jones Reynolds.

However, with this Limited Edition Coffee Kit Kat, I don’t want to share them. As a matter of fact, if Star Jones Reynolds did attack me, instead of using the Coffee Kit Kat to lure her away, I’d just let her maul me and then when she’s not looking, I’ll chop off whatever limb she’s gnawing on and run/hop away to safety.

I don’t feel like sharing the Limited Edition Coffee Kit Kat because:

1. They’re damn good.
2. They’re limited edition
3. I’m a greedy asshole.
4. They’re my precious. MY PRECIOUS!!!

I was surprised that I really liked the Limited Edition Coffee Kit Kat, because I don’t like drinking coffee at all. For some reason, coffee doesn’t agree with me.

Whenever I try coffee or anything from Starbucks, my stomach turns, like when I smell Britney Spears’ perfume Curious, which has a product description that goes like this, “Britney Spears personifies daring and piques the curiosity of young women everywhere. Curious by Britney Spears represents the young woman that pushes boundaries and revels in adventure.”

(Pause for dry heaving)

I’m sorry for the dry heaving. Apparently, I not only get nauseous from smelling crap, I also get nauseous from reading crap.

Anyway, the Limited Edition Coffee Kit Kat is damn good, it has a nice coffee taste and smell that’s not too strong, unlike the amount of perfume on most strippers.

I was not only surprised by the great coffee taste, I was also surprised that I found a variation of a candy bar that I liked just as much as the original. It seems like candy companies are constantly trying different things to tweak their candy.

For example, the Kit Kat Extra Creamy, which I had a few months ago, was totally lame, because it didn’t change the taste of the Kit Kat. It changed only the texture and it didn’t change it significantly. It’s like if Michael Jackson had plastic surgery today, it won’t make much of a difference, because he’s had so much plastic surgery.

In reality, I think the only plastic surgery left that he can get done is getting breast implants.

But even then, no matter how much plastic surgery he has, Jacko will still be the ghostly pale freak that moonwalks and will still be less brown than the Limited Edition Coffee Kit Kat.

Item: Limited Edition Coffee Kit Kat
Purchase Price: 55 cents
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Nice strong coffee taste, but not too strong. Just as good as the original Kit Kat.
Cons: Limited edition. Might turn you into a greedy prick. The description of Britney Spears’ perfume, Curious. Being mauled by Star Jones Reynolds.

REVIEW: Hershey’s Whoppers Twosomes

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Hershey's Whoppers Twosomes

Oh, if only Dr. Frankenstein used milk chocolate and Whoppers to create his creature instead of cadavers, then maybe everyone would have loved his creature, instead of running away in fear.

Fortunately for us, the Hershey company decided to use milk chocolate and Whoppers to create something that we could all possibly love and not want to burn to death with torches, the Hershey’s Whoppers Twosomes.

If you’re not familiar with Whoppers, they are malted milk balls, that are about half an inch in diameter and come in either a cardboard box or a box that’s similar to a milk carton. You can suck on them or bite them to get to the milky malted goodness.

The good thing about them is that they’re great to eat in movie theaters because of its chocolatey goodness, they’re easy to share, and they’re easy to throw at the screen when they show irritating commercials or a preview of the next Jennifer Lopez movie.

There are also a few bad things about Whoppers, like the malted milk can get stuck on your teeth, I can’t fit more than seven of them in my mouth, and they make horrible replacements for eyeballs and testicles.

The Whoppers in the Hershey’s Whoppers Twosomes were mini ones, which are roughly the size of BB pellets or my balls when I go swimming in really cold water.

The top of the candy bar looks like a typical Hershey’s chocolate bar, but the bottom of it has dozens of bumps from the protruding mini Whoppers, which reminded me of a few things, like a Nestle Crunch bar, my pimple-covered skin when I was fifteen years old, and the most confusing braille sign ever.

When I took a bite into the candy bar, the Whoppers dominated the taste of it, which was good, because I really like the taste of Whoppers. The candy bar had a similar crunch and texture of a Nestle Crunch bar.

The Hershey’s Twosomes not only come in a Whoppers version, there’s also a Reese’s Pieces version and a Heath Bar version.

Unfortunately, all three are limited edition candy bars, so once they’re gone, they’re gone…until Hershey decides to tease us again next year by reintroducing them as limited edition candy bars and then taking them away, making us want more.

I guess Hershey believes if this teasing works well for drug dealers, it should work well for candy bars.

Item: Hershey’s Whoppers Twosomes
Purchase Price: 55 cents
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Really good. Get the Whoppers taste without big chocolate balls in your mouth. Has the crunch and texture of a Nestle Crunch bar.
Cons: Limited edition. Back of candy bar can be used as the worst braille sign ever. My complexion when I was fifteen.

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