REVIEW: Pretzel M&M’s

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M&M’s are quickly turning into the American version of what Kit Kats are in Japan.

With so many variations and flavors, I honestly can say that I haven’t had Plain… Oh, excuse me, Milk Chocolate M&M’s since they nixed the beige color that reminded me of the nurse’s office at my elementary school minus the ethnically diverse posters about how head lice affects everyone and how it’s good to wash your hands after pretty much everything you do, except after washing your hands because then you’ll end up on that show Obsessed.

Before even trying the new Pretzel M&M’s I knew I was going to like them, because Mars used my favorite M&M’s character to pitch them — Orange M&M.

He isn’t a sleaze like Red M&M, who I swear on the Strawberried Peanut Butter M&M’s package had a rapey look in his eyes and was about to slip something into my drink. As for Yellow M&M, he’s simply Red’s lackey. And even though I’m far from being a feminist, my mother’s crazy burn-your-bra 1970s values rubbed off on me a little bit, because I find it’s morally wrong that the only female M&M is one ad away from becoming the first mascot to be on a Girls Gone Wild DVD.

I like Orange M&M because he’s on edge most of the time. Plus, he’s awkward and endearing, similar to Woody Allen. Although I don’t think Orange M&M would marry his adopted daughter (Red M&M probably would though). I also like Orange M&M because he always pitches the flavor of M&M’s I enjoy, including Crispy and Pretzel M&M’s.

Pretzel M&M’s are spherical and they probably could be used as emergency ammunition in a paintball gun battle, not only because they’re about the same size but because they’re as hard as the Red M&M gets when the Green M&M gives him a candied-coated lap dance.

I usually let an M&M melt in my mouth, because like a good little consumer, I listen to what ads tell me to do. However, I felt it was extremely difficult to do so with these M&M’s when I knew there were pretzels hiding in them. Pretzel M&M’s have a nice crunch factor as well as a delicate salty taste that might be too delicate for pretzel purists.

I can’t really call the rat dropping-sized nugget a pretzel; it’s more like a little, semi-salty ball that could be a serious choking hazard when popping them in your mouth during your commute, or when realizing there’s a sex scene between Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head in Toy Story 3 (Sorry if I ruined it for you).

Like the balls themselves, the package is quite small, but it’s just enough chocolate to tide you over until M&M’s releases another new flavor. Maybe they’ll take a page from Kit Kat’s book and make a wasabi pea-flavored M&M.

One can only hope and dream.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bag (1.14 ounces) – 150 calories, 5 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 150 milligrams of sodium, 24 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 15 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 2% calcium and 2% iron.)

Item: Pretzel M&M’s
Price: 74 cents
Size: 1.14 ounces
Purchased at: The Store That Ironically Doesn’t Sell Walls
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Nice blend of savory and sweet. Orange being the spokescandy for the product and not feeling threatened by him. My mother’s feminist values. Lower in fat than other flavors of M&M’s. Woody Allen movies. Could be used as backup ammunition.
Cons: Might not salty enough for some. No wasabi pea-flavored M&M’s. The lack of a Brown M&M mascot (Seriously, that’s fucked up and maybe a little racist). Choking hazard for those not used to small balls in their mouth.

REVIEW: Strawberried Peanut Butter M&M’s

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Strawberried Peanut Butter M&M's

The peanut butter and jelly sandwich has grown with me throughout the years. Sometimes it would pop up in my bright green lunch bag. During high school it would find its way in a brown lunch sack. I would like to think my palate has matured since then, but due to my lack of culinary expertise and being a broke-ass college student, I’m finding out that a good ol’ PB&J (cut in quarters) can qualify as a hearty meal.

I’m definitely a chunky peanut butter girl, and I prefer grape over strawberry jam, unless I’m in a bind and the only jam I have left comes from one of those tiny Smucker’s packets you get at a diner (I also take Splenda and swizzle sticks). So why would I even try the new Strawberried Peanut Butter M&M’s?

Look at Red M&M on the packaging. The come hither look on that horny bastard’s face tempting you with not only peanut butter, but with the sweet taste of strawberry as well. It’s like he’s saying, “Hey, don’t worry, Green M&M won’t be home. She works nights at that club off of Interstate 95. It’s just going to be me, you, this here strawberry and a smooth as silk jar of peanut butter.”

As awful as it sounds, I gave into the Red M&M and his Strawberried Peanut Butter candies. What can I say; I’m a sucker for cartoon product mascots. The M&M’s come in three autumn inspired colors and are roughly the same size as your standard Peanut Butter M&M’s. I was a little disappointed to find out that there wasn’t any strawberry jam inside each piece, instead the shell is supposed to be strawberry flavored, but I didn’t find the taste potent enough. But it could be my taste buds, because my mother thought they had a strong taste of strawberry. To me, peanut butter made strawberry their bitch and I think strawberry wanted that as long as it got top billing when it came to naming this circular confection.

After reviewing the so-called M&M’s Premiums, I realized there’s no difference in quality between the two. It just shows you how pretty packaging can make something more expensive even if it tastes or looks like crap. Kind of like the Kardashian sisters.

The Strawberried Peanut Butter M&M’s are a limited edition, but I don’t think I will stock up, because they’re mediocre at best. Maybe it’s because I have fond memories of the old school Peanut Butter M&M’s, or maybe it’s the grudge I’ve been holding with M&M’s after they yanked the Crispy and Mini ones off the shelves a few years ago. Those little Minis tubes were useful when it came to holding your crack, paperclips, pushpins or other small office supplies.

I would buy the Strawberried Peanut Butter M&M’s again if they came in that tube, but I guess I’d also have to deal with the Red M&M on the package making bedroom eyes at me.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bag – 230 calories, 14 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 85 milligrams of sodium, 22 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 19 grams of sugar, 4 grams of protein, 2% calcium and 2% iron.)

Item: Strawberried Peanut Butter M&M’s
Price: 78 cents
Size: 1.40 ounces
Purchased at: That-Store-Which-Has-A-Creepy-Smiley-Face-Mascot
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Nice peanut butter flavor. Green M&M bringing home a decent income by working 3 days a week. Never needing to buy Splenda or swizzle sticks. Melts in your mouth quite nicely.
Cons: Strawberry flavor is only on the shell and it isn’t strong enough. Red M&M giving you bedroom eyes. The death of both Crispy and M&M’s Minis. Really high in saturated fat.

REVIEW: M&M’s Premiums Raspberry Almond

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Chocolate is one of those things that people either gorge on or enjoy a little piece once in awhile. I fall into the latter. I have friends who obsess over chocolate. Of course, they are all female, because as marketing dictates to us, chocolate is generally for women (with the exception of Yorkie in the UK which prides itself on being NOT for girls). Names like Bliss and Fling (which, by the way, has a site pumps out more estrogen than The View and they call their chocolate “fingers” — use your imagination) allude to the sexy, flirty nature that apparently my fellow sisters act like under the influence of chocolate (and sometimes appletinis). The folks at M&M’s/Mars have jumped on the bandwagon with their new line of “premium” chocolate.

I love chocolate and raspberry. It’s probably my favorite classic combination, besides steak and potatoes; dingoes and babies; and NASCAR and drunk rednecks shameless corporate sponsorships. However, I don’t like just any chocolate uniting with raspberry. It should be just dark chocolate, but unfortunately the M&M’s Premiums Raspberry Almond says that there’s raspberry flavored white chocolate and SOME dark chocolatey goodness in it (their website also tells you to enjoy them while you have your afternoon pedicure, because you know we all get those every day),

The M&M’s Premiums Raspberry Almond have a really cool metallic shell that’s eye catching if you’re the type of person who puts candy out in crystal bowls for your lovely guests, but I think that might be the only premium thing about them. The chocolate is good (if you like white chocolate and a light dark chocolate taste), but I can’t really call it premium. The size of the individual pieces aren’t even larger than the standard M&M’s with Almonds (which are getting harder and harder to find), but I guess that’s the folks at M&M’s/Mars saying, “You gals need to keep your figures slim.”

When opening the box, and the little baggie they come in, you get a huge whiff of artificial raspberry goodness, but when popped into the mouth, the raspberry flavor wears off rather quickly. It’s similar to the Fruit Stripe Gum conundrum; where you’re excited by the smell and you get that burst of flavor, but then it vanishes, like 80% of the people who were on American Idol. For the price, there’s a heck of a lot more choices to satisfy a chocolate craving, including great European chocolates from Lindt (those truffle balls are bangin’) and Toblerone, both of which are in the same price range as the M&M’s Premiums.

And a note to all chocolate manufactures: Just because it’s pink and has a cute name or package, we are not going to buy it. We will buy chocolate purely on the idea that it is chocolate.

(Nutrition Facts – 1.5 oz (about ¼ cup) – 240 calories, 17 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 25 milligrams of sodium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 15 grams of sugar, 4 grams of protein, 6% calcium and 6% iron.)

Item: M&M’s Premiums Raspberry Almond
Price: $4.99
Size: 6 ounce
Purchased at: CVS
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Aesthetically pleasing for fancy candy dishes. Nice raspberry scent. Being able to get away with innuendo in marketing. Fresh almonds.
Cons: Way too expensive for what you get. Flavor isn’t that strong. Overuse of the word premium. No green ones to make you horny.

REVIEW: Nestle Soy Sauce Kit Kat

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DISGRACE!

I demand the limited edition Japanese Soy Sauce Kit Kat commit seppuku right now, because it’s nothing like what I expected.

What did I expect?

I thought the whole Soy Sauce Kit Kat was going to come in the color of death, much like actual soy sauce. I’m not talking about just black or the color of eyeliner around Pete Wentz’s eyes, I’m talking about a black so dark that it’s only found in black holes and in the chest cavity of those who kill kittens and puppies for pleasure.

I wanted it to be so black that if I were to touch it, I would either wither and turn into a pile of dust or my fingers would end up in an alternate universe where dinosaurs still roam the lands and Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have their own reality show called Survivor: Heidi and Spencer Trapped on an Island Forever With Hungry Dinosaurs.

Instead it has a white chocolate exterior and a tan wafer interior.

While the Soy Sauce Kit Kat didn’t come in a color that was blacker than the void where Simon Cowell’s heart is supposed to be, I thought it was going to have a strong salty soy sauce flavor that’s so real that I would want to melt each Kit Kat finger down to liquid form and dip my spicy tuna roll or salmon nigirizushi into it. But the Soy Sauce Kit Kat doesn’t have a hint of soy sauce flavor, instead it has a strong maple syrup scent and taste.

WTF, Japan!

I expected, nay, I wanted to be disgusted by this flavor of Kit Kat. I also wanted to brag about how I was man enough to consume a salty, black Kit Kat that made my saliva glands close shut by getting a t-shirt that said, “I Survived a Soy Sauce Kit Kat.” But no, Nestle, the makers of Kit Kat in Japan had to rain on my parade and sic Godzilla on my floral floats and marching bands.

Now I’m stuck with a box of delicious tasting, crispy, maple syrup-flavored, white chocolate Kit Kat, which is the complete opposite of what I wanted. The only thing that kind of disgusted me was the unusually long length of time the maple syrup flavor lingered in my mouth, but it didn’t make me gag like a salty soy sauce flavored candy would’ve.

What are those crazy bastards in Japan going to do to mess with my taste buds next time? A Natto (fermented soybeans) Kit Kat that tastes like cotton candy? A Seaweed Kit Kat with a caramel flavor?

DISGRACE!

Item: Nestle Soy Sauce Kit Kat
Price: FREE
Size: 12-pack
Purchased at: Received from parents
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Nice maple syrup flavor. Crispy. Heidi and Spencer being eaten by dinosaurs. The variety of Kit Kat flavors in Japan. Being able to say I ate something disgusting.
Cons: Doesn’t have a hint of soy sauce flavor. Doesn’t come in the color of death. Fingers are smaller than regular sized Kit Kat. Hard to find outside of Japan. The maple syrup flavor lingered in my mouth longer than I wanted it to. Limited edition. Having your parade attacked by Godzilla.

REVIEW: Vosges Mo’s Bacon Bar

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Salty and sweet should just get a room already.

A lot of confectionary companies have been putting the two together for years, but let’s make their joining official. I say we stick them in a hotel room, close the door behind us, hang a “Do Not Disturb” sign on the door knob, and let nature takes its course, like newlyweds consummating their marriage.

Although I will feel sorry for the person in housekeeping who has to clean up that mess after salty and sweet do their thing.

One candy company has come up with a creative way to blend salty and sweet. The Vosges Mo’s Bacon Bar, on paper, is a sexy three-way copulation between applewood smoked bacon, alder wood smoked salt and milk chocolate. It’s not titillating because there’s a lot of wood involved. It’s hot because Vosges takes two things that are already sexy on their own — bacon and chocolate — and puts them together into an exotic amalgamation that your grandma wouldn’t approve of. I guess the Mo’s Bacon Bar is like the Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt of candy bars. And your grandma who wouldn’t approve of it is Jennifer Aniston.

As appealing and exciting as it seemed on the outside, the taste of Mo’s Bacon Bar on my tongue teetered on the borderline of interesting and slightly disgusting. When there was too much bacon in a bite, it tasted like what I imagine the aftertaste of shotgunning a bottle of Bac-Os would be, but when there’s only a hint of bacon its salty and sweet combination isn’t bad. The bacon not only gives this candy bar its saltiness, smoky scent and ability to make people say “What the fuck?” in the middle of a fine foods store — where you’ll probably find these — it also provides the bar with a little crunchiness, like toffee pieces would.

To fully enjoy the candy bar, there are some optional instructions: “Rub your thumb over the chocolate bar to release the aromas of smoked applewood bacon flirting with deep milk chocolate.” I did do this, but all I ended up with were chocolate covered fingers from rubbing too hard and fast, which I guess is really my fault since rubbing really hard and fast is a force of habit.

I thought bacon made everything better, but the Vosges Mo’s Bacon Bar has proven me very wrong. And now that I know it’s not true, I don’t know what to believe in anymore. Maybe there is a Santa Claus. Maybe I CAN put my entire fist in my mouth. Maybe Simon Cowell gives constructive criticism. Maybe I’m the last Cylon.

I don’t know anymore.

(Nutrition Facts – 3 squares (2.5 servings per bar) – 170 calories, 12 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 75 milligrams of sodium, 35 grams of carbohydrates, 1 grams dietary fiber, 20 grams sugar, 3 grams protein, 4% Calcium, and 6% Iron.)

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to the TIB readers who recommended this product. Candy Addict also reviewed this exotic amalgamation.)

Item: Vosges Mo’s Bacon Bar
Price: $7.99
Size: 3 ounces
Purchased at: R. Field
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Not bad when there’s a hint of bacon. Bacon gives the bar a nice crunchiness. Gluten free. Being able to say “What the fuck?” in the middle of a fine foods store.
Cons: One the borderline of interesting and disgusting. Kind of gross when there’s too much bacon in a bite. Cleaning up after salty and sweet do their thang. Learning that bacon does not make everything better.

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