“Limited Edition.”

The mere phrase has the power to transform, taking common fare and turning it into a full-on, hands-down life experience so that, 50-or-so years from now, you can sit on your porch and bang a cane on the ground as you tell some young band of whipper-snappers, “I remember, when I was your age, we used to have good ol’ fashioned Limited Edition French Vanilla Milky Ways!” Oh, the fulfillment that will come from such a pronouncement.

And, indeed, this was the thought that graced my mind as I perused the aisles of my friendly 24-hour pharmacy, searching in vain for those Halloween white chocolate M&M’s only to find the shelves empty as the Arizona duck ponds in the middle of July. As I felt myself drowning in a candy-induced crisis, a single wrapper reached out its hand. It was my rock. My salvation. And it came in the form of a 1.72-ounce bar.

(Cue the angelic chorus from above!)

The wrapper is nothing short of mind-controlling genius. Did you see that caramel curl? The swirly background? The thick design of chocolate enveloped by vanilla flora? That’s how you do mind control, people.

The Milky Way and I have had a fond affair over the past years, spending many-a-summer’s day in its various deliciously sweet forms (half-melted, frozen, in ice cream, in cookies, and so forth), thus made it the perfect companion for my pillow-fort-and-mid-90s-movie marathon this past weekend.

In many ways, this Milky Way harkens back to the classic. The milk chocolate coating is still the thick shell it’s always been and caramel is still that welcoming stretchy goo of sweetness. The marked difference in this limited fare is in the vanilla nougat.

Just upon opening the bar, the smell of vanilla poofs into the air. After taking a bite, I wouldn’t describe it so much as a “French Vanilla” as I would a “Vanilla Flavoring” (think along the lines of vanilla pudding or Vanilla Coffee-mate Creamer), and is it just me or is the texture fluffier than usual? Yes, yes indeed. Pleasantly reminiscent of a marshmallow, too.

This sweet-on-sweet-on-sweet is something I happen to enjoy. However, I have a certain resilience that transcends the average sweet tooth, so this may be too sweet for some. If you need a little bitter to accompany your sweet, I could see this making for a stellar coffee stirrer (or, in honor of its francophone title, perhaps dip it in a little espresso cup while dining at a petite café). Of course, you could also whip out some graham crackers, toss the bar in the microwave for a few seconds, and boom! You have insta-s’more.

Glancing over the ingredients, I would recommend suppressing the whole “hydrogenated oils” and “30 percent of your recommended intake of saturated fat” jibber jabber. What really matters is hidden…

Do you see it?

Indeed! That’s skim milk! And egg whites! And more skim milk! These are the essential ingredients in a balanced breakfast! Watch out Wheaties. Milky Way is on your tail.

(The perfect way to start the day)

This Milky Way may not have sparks and whistles and buzzes. Heck, it doesn’t even have sea salt, but it does have yumminess, and maybe that’s why this Limited Edition Milky Way was put on this Earth: to remind us that it’s okay to not be revolutionary. Yummy is just fine.

(Nutrition Facts – 220 calories, 80 calories from fat, 8 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 65 milligrams of sodium, 35 grams of carbohydrates, 0 gram of dietary fiber, 30 grams of sugars, and 2 grams of protein.)

Item: Limited Edition Milky Way French Vanilla and Caramel
Purchased Price: $1.49
Size: 1.72 ounces
Purchased at: Walgreens
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Marshmallow-like nougat. Sweet. Mixing of old and new. Milky Way for breakfast. Pillow forts. S’more-related experiments.
Cons: Sweetness may be too much for some. Not very good for you. The unknown origins of “Vanilla Flavoring.” Mind control. Dried up duck ponds.

I don’t give out candy to children on Halloween.

Call me a Halloween Scrooge, a recluse, or someone who doesn’t watch enough Nickelodeon or Cartoon Network to know what kids are dressing up as today, but I don’t do it because I’m a hermit, cheap, or getting tired of kids pretending they’re Harry Potter.

I don’t pass out candy on Halloween because I eat it all before I have a chance to give it away.

I can’t help it. I buy the good stuff, like M&M’s, Twix, Nestle Crunch, Milky Way, Snickers, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, and Nerds, and I intend to pass them out to ensure local dentists will have work, but by the time Halloween rolls around I’m out of candy and I no longer fit into my sexy pirate outfit.

To prevent me from eating the candy, I could pass out frown-inducing sweets, like candy corn (blech!), chocolate coins (more worthless than pennies), Smarties (there’s nothing smart about them), Good & Plenty (not good and, unfortunately, there are plenty of people passing them out), Now and Later (there’s never a good time for this candy), cheap gum (gum from 1980s baseball card packs have better flavor), or Sixlets (more like Sixlet’s Not). However, I don’t want to be known as the Asian guy dressed up as a sexy pirate who gives away junk candy that’ll end up on my lawn the next morning. Instead, I want to be the Asian guy dressed up as a sexy pirate who passes out candy so awesome that children will think the stomachache they woke up with was sooo totally worth it.

However, it looks like I might be giving away some candy this year because I’m having a slightly hard time getting through a bag of these new Caramel Apple Milky Way Minis.

The new seasonal candy combines caramel and flavored nougat coated with milk chocolate. Each piece smells like the fruity and sweet aroma that wafts out of a Whitman’s Sampler after opening it. If you’re one of those douchebags who tries to appear cool by throwing food in the air and catching it with your mouth, these mini Milky Way are mouth-catchable and I hope a bird poops in your mouth when you open it to try and catch a piece.

If you’re expecting this candy to taste like a caramel apple, let me crush your hopes and dreams by telling you they don’t. Even if you used your front teeth to completely scrape off the thin layer of milk chocolate, the small morsel of nougat and caramel you’re left with also doesn’t taste like a caramel apple.

The nougat contains the apple flavor (along with a bit of nutmeginess), although at first it’s hard to determine it has an apple flavor. The apple is a bit more noticeable in the aftertaste, which is when it also become a bit more artificial tasting. The caramel tastes, unsurprisingly, like the caramel in regular Milky Way bars and does an equally awesome job of sticking to my teeth.

Although the artificial apple flavor is faint, my tongue gets sick of it before it reaches the five piece serving size. And that’s why it’s taking me so long to finish this bag. Now you might be thinking if I don’t complete enjoy them, then Trick or Treaters will feel the same. That’s true, but they’re much better than candy corn, chocolate coins, Smarties, Good & Plenty, Now and Later, cheap gum, and Sixlets.

(Nutrition Facts – 5 pieces – 190 calories, 60 calories from fat, 7 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 60 milligrams of sodium, 31 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 26 grams of sugar, and 1 gram of protein.)

Item: Limited Edition Milky Way Caramel Apple Minis
Purchased Price: $3.29
Size: 11.50 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: It’s not bad at first. Better than candy corn, chocolate coins, Smarties, Good & Plenty, Now and Later, cheap gum, and Sixlets. Pleasantly chewy.
Cons: Doesn’t taste like caramel apples. Apple flavor is weak and artificial. Candy corn, chocolate coins, Smarties, Good & Plenty, Now and Later, cheap gum, and Sixlets. Not being able to fit into my sexy pirate costume.