REVIEW: Neapolitan M&M’s

Neapolitan M M s

When I read that M&M’s were making a Neapolitan variety, my first thought was “Is that still a thing?” I haven’t had Neapolitan ice cream since I was a kid in the 80s. My mother would bring home tubs of the cheapest store-brand tri-colored treat and daintily shave off layers from all flavors equally. Then I would excavate every molecule of strawberry ice cream until it looked like David Copperfield made it disappear with jazz hands and a hypnotic stare.

Never mind that chocolate was actually my favorite ice cream; I had to take the strawberry. This irritated my mother to no end. But she kept buying Neapolitan and I kept eating a neat one-third of it.

Now it’s 2018 and I don’t think I’ve heard Neapolitan referred to as a flavor in more than 20 years. I wanted to try the M&M’s, but wondered if I could resist the urge to only eat the pink ones.

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The aroma inside the bag was mostly chocolate. The visual was a bit of a surprise – the vanilla pieces were a rich cream color instead of white. Yes, I know, the bag clearly depicts them as cream-colored, but I was taken by the overall packaging color scheme – which was WHITE. Just sayin’.

Despite there being three colors, the flavors of the pieces are the same. Yes, I know, the bag clearly says all three flavors in every piece, but I thought the pink ones might be strawberry-dominant, cream more vanilla, etc. This disconnect didn’t affect my feelings about them overall, but again – just sayin’.

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My first taste impression was a strong strawberry and chocolate flavor. But instead of taking me back to the freezer with an ice cream scoop, Neapolitan M&M’s brought me back to the breakfast table. They are the solid orb version of a bowl of Frankenberry and Count Chocula cereals combined. The strawberry was a pretty spot-on facsimile of Frank, my personal strawberry flavor touchstone. My memory of Neapolitan strawberry is a much more subtle flavor than Frank. The chocolate was close enough to The Count to make the comparison, although hardcore Chocula fans might disagree. I’d expected a real ice cream experience, but my love of monster cereals made it still a successful combo in my opinion.

I couldn’t immediately find the vanilla. But as I plowed through the bag and thought about the cereal comparison, the case of the missing vanilla was solved. It’s the milk in the cereal bowl. It made total sense because most M&M’s vanillas taste like milk to me. It took a bit to find because it’s a supporting actor here – Frank and The Count are center stage, which was alright by me.

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Overall, I thought these were fun and tasty. Kids will love them because of the child-friendly flavors, as will nostalgic adults. I think M&M’s are most successful when they’re tinkering with fillings/textures (nuts, caramel, crispy), but these are on the higher end of the flavor-only M&M’s varieties. Bella Napoli!

(Nutrition Facts – 1 oz./16 pieces – 140 calories, 7 grams of fat, 4 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, less than 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 15 milligrams of sodium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of dietary fiber, 18 grams of total sugars, 17 grams of added sugars, and 1 grams of protein.)

Purchased Price: $3.19
Size: 8 oz. bag
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Nostalgic flavor combination that smacks of Monster Cereal goodness. All three flavors in every piece kept me from eating only the pink ones
Cons: Not really ice cream-ish (if that’s a deal breaker for you). Showing/telling me things on the packaging that I ignore and am later surprised by.

REVIEW: Sour Patch Kids Fire

Sour Patch Kids Fire

First, they’re sour, then they’re sweet, now they’re hot?

I guess that “sweet and spicy” candy trend continues to roll along. In fact, it’s already evolved on the premise by adding sour to the equation. What’s next, umami?! Am I gonna have to pretend to understand what umami is?!

Ya know what, don’t let me get off track. I’m not here to talk about “mamis,” I’m here to talk about kids – kids of the sour patch variety!

I’m also here to make awkward transitions.

I have a hard time believing there are people who don’t like Sour Patch Kids. I’m sure there are, I just won’t entertain the notion. A giant bag of SPK’s and a buttery $16 movie popcorn is in the running for my desert island meal, and the one thing you need on a desert island is fire.

SPK Fire chews smell like normal SPKs, but feature a duller color profile than normal.

I’m gonna “rapid fire” review each flavor:

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Berry Blaze – Pretty sour to start with an unripe berry flavor – blue, straw, black is my guess. There’s a very brief window of sweetness followed by decent little burn on the end.

Tropical Flame – Pineapple with a splash of citrus. It transitions from super sour to brief sweet, right into “oh yeah, I think I can kinda feel the heat.”

Apple Fever – You’re gonna pucker on this one. Think of the sourest Granny Smith you’ve ever eaten. The burn was almost completely masked because of that.

Angry Watermelon – Sweetest flavor in the bag. It’s hard to hype these too much because Sour Patch Watermelons might be my favorite candy of all time. Imagine those except 25 percent less sweet, and with a little numbing taste at the end. These pale in comparison, but they’re still good.

My Rankings:

Sourness:

  1. Apple
  2. Tropical
  3. Berry
  4. Watermelon

Heat:

  1. Berry
  2. Tropical
  3. Watermelon
  4. Apple

Overall:

  1. Watermelon
  2. Tropical
  3. Berry
  4. Apple

My heat impressions might be skewed by the order I ate them. I only had three of each flavor, so while Apple had no heat, I imagine it would’ve if I started with it. That make sense? Either way, the heat is dull.

I’m not sure the sour and hot combination works. That flavor progression – with the tiny pitstop in sweet-ville – almost acts as a numbing agent. Sour overwhelms your mouth, so heat doesn’t have room to shine.

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These tasted sourer than normal SPK’s which seems dumb if “Fire” was supposed to be the star. You could probably convince yourself the taste at the end is just a remnant of the extreme sour start, as it almost immediately starts to suck your mouth dry of saliva anyway.

So, if you’re looking to tip the Scoville Scale, you may be disappointed. These are really good Sour Patch Kids, but they won’t have you running for the milk. They’re definitely worth a try, but I have a hard time believing they’ll be mainstays on candy racks, so get ’em while they’re hot.

(Nutrition Facts – 12 pieces – 110 calories, 0 grams of fat, 25 milligrams of sodium, 27 grams of carbohydrates, 23 grams of sugar + 23 grams of ADDED sugar, and 0 grams of protein.)

Purchased Price: $1.99
Size: 7.2 oz. bag
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tasty overall. If you love sour candy, they deliver. Still kinda cool to taste a tiny lingering heat afterwards. I appreciate the attempt.
Cons: Dull Heat. Less sweetness than normal Sour Patch Kids. Not even as hot as “Sweet Heat Skittles and Starburst.” Dry mouth. Just made me crave Sour Patch Watermelons.

QUICK REVIEW: Skittles Love Mix

Skittles Love Mix

I’m delighted that Skittles is expanding its five-flavor mixes to include Valentine’s Day. If you don’t have a special someone, candy is the best part of February 14, and Skittles Love Mix is something I would gladly welcome from a secret admirer.

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The darkest red is cherry. Cherry is one of those default flavors that usually isn’t very good, but the Skittles cherry is actually better than most other cherry-flavored candies.

The medium red is strawberry, and it tastes like strawberry Starburst. I like it the best of this mix.

The lightest red is watermelon. It’s a nice flavor reminiscent of summertime, but to me it tastes like it should be gum.

One of the whites, yumberry, returns from the America Mix. It’s a benign little flavor, but I have no idea what a yumberry is.

The other white is white grape. It reminds me of Dimetapp, but the grape flavor isn’t extremely potent.

I like all the flavors individually, and if you plop them in your mouth together, they play nicely.

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My biggest disappointment is the colors. You have five flavors for Valentine’s Day, and none of them are pink? Really? The colors are so close that they’re hard to distinguish. Watermelon is the only one that’s instantly recognizable. The yumberry and white grape are identical; and since I don’t know what a yumberry is, and the grape flavor isn’t very strong, I have a hard time knowing what one I’m eating even when I’m chewing it. I would have rather had pink grape.

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Pink grape?” you ask. Well, yes. When I make juice from the green grapes that grow in my backyard, it comes out pink, oddly enough.

The colors didn’t tickle me pink, but the Love Mix will be an enjoyable option for your heart-shaped candy dish.

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Purchased Price: $2.69
Size: 11 oz. bag
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (1.4 oz) 160 calories, 15 fat calories, 1.5 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 10 milligrams of sodium, 37 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 30 grams of sugar, and 0 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Lindt Lindor Limited Edition Gingerbread Milk Chocolate Truffles

Lindt Lindor Limited Edition Gingerbread Milk Chocolate Truffles

I know there are Santa-hatted zombies who advocate for the head first consumption of anthropomorphic treats. But as gingerbread-based lifeforms are known to bolt at the first sign of milk, I prioritize immobilization.

With no central nervous system, a headless treat may leave your cookie craving unfulfilled. For inexperienced or squeamish cookie eaters, Lindt is offering up Lindor Limited Edition Gingerbread Truffles. Sourced from the finest cuts of cookie anatomy, the classic Lindor milk chocolate shell is infused with gingerbread cookie pieces encapsulating a gingerbread truffle filling.

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The cookie bits add a pleasant grit to the standard and delicious chocolate shell, but all of the limited edition flavor comes by way of the creamy truffle center. As gingerbread cookies are far from creamy in their natural state, liquefying them must be a disturbing transmogrification that only those haunted by the memories of gingerbread houses gone awry can stomach.

The trauma of these tortured souls is evidenced by their Bond-villain like maniacal laughter as licorice bound gingerbread people are slowly lowered into magmatic vats of palm kernel oil.

Lindt Lindor Limited Edition Gingerbread Milk Chocolate Truffles 3

Unfortunately, the disturbingly produced core is much sweeter than any gingerbread cookie I’ve eaten and comes across with almost floral notes. These Mr. Big inspired chocolatiers must take particular umbrage with the housewives of the ginger-burbs where saccharin-based Botox is all the rage. A little less literal sweet revenge and a bit more bitter molasses may have produced a better balance and left a few more cookie families intact for the holidays.

While I possess the confectionary architectural aptitude of a blind Fraggle, I hold no ill will towards gingerkind. Even so, Lindor Gingerbread Truffles are worth trying for the novelty, but I will embrace my role as the apex predator of cookie munching interspersed with bites of a standard truffle when the mood for both strikes.

Purchased Price: $5.94
Size: 8.5 oz. bag
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 6 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (3 Balls) 220 calories, 17 grams of fat, 12 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 35 milligrams of sodium, 16 grams of carbohydrates, 14 grams of sugar, 1 gram of dietary fiber, and 2 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Hershey’s Triple Chocolate Cookie Layer Crunch Bars

Hershey s Triple Chocolate Cookie Layer Crunch Bars

There are certain flavor combinations that are self-explanatory.

Whether it’s in Pop-Tart or donut form, s’mores is going to have elements of graham, chocolate, and marshmallow. While something birthday cake-flavored is going to taste like frosting, vanilla cake, and seven-year-old stale sprinkles.

Triple Chocolate is a bit more ambiguous. I feel like there was a time in my life when triple chocolate meant you were getting blasts of dark, milk, and white chocolate in one bite. Those days are long gone, shattered by internet killjoys armed with an air of self-importance and a Wikipedia link explaining that white chocolate IS NOT chocolate.

Subsequent moralizing about faux white chocolate’s adverse dietary effects, not to mention the gentrification of all things cocoa-related, caused candy companies to shop the free agency market to assemble a dream team of chocolate role players.

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Bittersweet, German, ganache, fudge, semisweet, Mexican, nibs, chocolate marshmallow, and “chocolaty” have all had their five minutes of fame in the trifecta, but for Hershey’s latest take on its Cookie Layer Crunch Bars, chocolate cookie pieces and chocolate crème join the milk chocolate rectangles.

Let’s get this out of the way: The graphic designer doing the box artwork should get a raise because the detail on the box is hardly what you see when you bite into each three-square bar.

For example, the box artwork makes the chocolate crème look like the cocoa equivalent of molten lava, but if there’s any ganache-like viscosity to the crème, Hershey’s must have left it in the factory. To be honest, it’s hard to pick out the crème as a distinct textural element at all.

Thankfully, there is some truth in advertising.

The crème, although chameleon-like in appearance, has a rich dark chocolate flavor that dissolves on your tongue and finishes each bite. It works especially well because it’s a nice contrast to the crunchy Dutch chocolate taste of the cookie pieces, which remind me of Chips Ahoy! Double Chocolate Cookie Thins.

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As much as I like the cookie pieces and the crème, I couldn’t help but think the bar gets dragged down by the run-of-the-mill chocolate shell. There’s nothing wrong with the taste and texture of Hershey’s milk chocolate per se, but its familiarity and rather pedestrian chocolate taste frame the entire bar in an air of, well, averageness.

Average chocolate shell aside, Hershey’s Triple Cookie Layer Crunch Bars are a cool upgrade from the original bar. It also makes a strong case that triple chocolate (the flavor, that is) should keep cookie pieces and crème around for another season.

(Nutrition Facts – 2 pieces – 210 calories, 13 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, less than 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 85 milligrams of sodium, 23 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 18 grams of sugar, and 3 grams of protein.)

Purchased Price: $3.49
Size: 6.3 oz. package/9 pieces
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Awesome crunchy cookie taste in candy bar form. Chocolate crème gives the filling a rich dark chocolate complexity. Premium aesthetic in the packaging.
Cons: Chocolate crème is underrepresented and doesn’t have the gooey texture it does in the promo pic. Hershey’s milk chocolate feels pedestrian alongside other chocolate elements. The inability of candy and snack companies to assemble a triple chocolate dynasty.

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