One of the goals in my life is to be a speaker at a high school graduation. I don’t know how I’m going to do it or why anyone would invite me to speak, but I want it to happen. So in preparation of this goal, I wrote the speech I would present to some graduating class, and I’d like to share it with all of you.

I’d like to thank the graduating seniors for inviting me today. I’m honored to be here at some high school that I didn’t attend, but rest assured if I did go to this school, I would be the one all of you would ignore, beat up, or steal lunch money from.

Students from the Class of (Insert Class Year Here), I’m here to talk to you about goals. It’s something you probably have on your mind as most of you make your way to college or into the work force. Hopefully, my words here today will inspire, but if not that, I hope that you get a good nap from it, much like I did while attempting to listen to the guest speaker at my high school graduation.

I believe there are pillows under your chairs. You may take them out now. Remember, no drooling on the shoulder of the person next to you.

Remember when you were little and people asked what you wanted to be when you grow up. You all probably said occupations like police officer, doctor, lawyer, fireman, astronaut, and pizza delivery guy. But if you think about it, you were kind of forced to say these things because you didn’t really know of any other occupations out there, like data entry clerk, account executive, financial planner, or whatever people do on the TV show America’s Got Talent. Sure you also could’ve said teacher, but even at a young age, you all knew that teachers are overworked and underpaid.

Now that you’re older and wiser, most of you realize how crazy it was to consider being any of those things. Becoming a doctor or lawyer means more years of school and large college loans. Becoming a police officer isn’t as fun as any of the Police Academy movies. Finally, becoming a pizza delivery guy isn’t as glamorous as what was shown on your friend’s videotape, which he stole from his dad’s hidden video collection.

However, there are some of you who aspire to do things that are greater than what you are capable of. One of you probably wants to become a neurosurgeon, but unfortunately lack the hand dexterity and steadiness needed for the job, which was probably lost after taking too many spills on your Rollerblades without wrist guards. Another one of you may have dreams of become a Broadway dancer, but lack the rhythm, flexibility, stage presence, and high leg kick to do so.

Since you lack the skills necessary to do those things, you probably think that hard work and perseverance may help you reach your goals, but as someone older than you and someone who has gained some sort of success, since I’m speaking in front of you today, I’m here to tell you that you should really just settle for something else.

Don’t feel sad about settling, there is absolutely no shame in doing so…Unless your parents live vicariously through you, then you’ll probably feel guilt for the rest of your life. But you shouldn’t think of settling as giving up, you should think of it as Plan B.

For that person who wants to be a neurosurgeon, settle for being a psychologist instead. You still get to cut open the heads of patients, except instead of saws and scalpels, you will use phrases like “How does that make you feel?” and “What do the voices in your head say?” to look inside peoples’ heads.

As for the Broadway dancer wannabe, I’d suggest you settle for becoming a stripper. You still get to dance, the pay is usually better, and I believe you can write off breast implants as a tax deduction.

Personally, I’ve had to settle for many things. For example, I wanted a Lexus, but had to settle for a Toyota Corolla, due to not being able to pay the $800 monthly loan payments. I’ve also wanted to date Winona Ryder, but instead had to settle for ANY woman who wouldn’t say “no” to me, but I wasn’t successful with that either, so I just settled for ANYTHING with legs.

I’ve also had to settle for a Burger King Quad Stacker instead of a Hardee’s Monster Thickburger.

Instead of the 1,410 calories, 107 grams of fat, 45 grams of saturated fat, 229 milligrams of cholesterol, and 2,740 milligrams of sodium from the Hardee’s Monster Thickburger, I had to settle for the 1,000 calories, 68 grams of fat, 30 grams of saturated fat, 240 milligrams of cholesterol, and 1,800 milligrams of sodium in the Burger King Quad Stacker.

It totally feels like wanting the homecoming queen, but instead ending up with one of the other members of the homecoming court. It may seem like I totally regret settling for the Burger King Quad Stacker, but let me tell you, I am content with my decision.

Sure the Burger King Quad Stacker’s four beef patties, four slices of American cheese, eight strips of bacon, BK Stacker Sauce, and sesame seed bun may not seem heavy at 311 grams, compared with the 413-gram Hardee’s Monster Thickburger, but as all women know, size doesn’t matter.

I believe I made the right decision in settling for the Burger King Quad Stacker.

Sure there’s really nothing special about its taste, because it tastes like any other bacon cheeseburger out there, but sometimes it’s not the taste that really matters, it’s the fact that there are four beef patties, four slices of American cheese, and EIGHT strips of bacon.

So I hope I’ve made you all realize that settling is okay. Just as long as you don’t look back and think “What if?”

Thank you.

Item: Burger King Quad Stacker
Price: $4.49 (sandwich only)
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Settling. It tastes like any old bacon cheeseburger, except four times bigger. Perfect if you HATE veggies, LOVE meat, or enjoy a little bread. Lots of protein (62 grams). My dream of speaking at a high school graduation. Anything with legs.
Cons: A tall sandwich, but not wide. It’s not a Hardee’s Monster Thickburger, but that’s okay and I’m content with settling for the Burger King Quad Stacker. Being a police officer is nothing like the Police Academy movies.

Over the past few months, I’ve heard about the BK Veggie, but I’ve never seen one.

Every time I stepped into a Burger King, I would scan the bright yellow menu board looking for that elusive meatless sandwich, but just like the humor of Everyone Loves Raymond, I couldn’t see it.

I had a theory to the reason why I couldn’t find the BK Veggie. Perhaps being considered the black sheep of the menu kept it off, since it didn’t seem to provide the flame-broiled or deep-fried goodness that people expect when dining with The King.

I also thought it was sold only at participating restaurants, making the BK Veggie sort of an endangered species, like the Humpback Whale, Sea Otter, Komodo Dragon, and cassette tapes.

Eventually, I considered the BK Veggie a myth, like Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, the Grafenberg spot, the Guns N’ Roses album Chinese Democracy, and Dr. Phil’s doctorate.

However, a few weeks ago my boss told me about her encounter with the BK Veggie.

“THE BK Veggie!!!” I said excitingly, like I was a spoiled, little 10-year-old boy getting a $300 iPod from his parents because it was the only way for them to shut him up about how everyone at school has an iPod except him, how he’s so uncool, and how he’ll probably die a virgin.

I had to clean my ears with Kenny G to make sure I heard her right. After she repeated herself, I couldn’t believe her, because during those months of searching for the BK Veggie, I taught myself to believe that it didn’t exist, like Santa Claus, true love, a beer that’s less filling and tastes great, and the duckbilled platypus.

Since she knew I had to see it to believe it, we went on a safari in her SUV to catch a glimpse of the elusive BK Veggie. We didn’t drive far before seeing possible signs of the meatless burger, like it being listed on the drive-thru menu for $2.99.

Fortunately, we were able to capture two of the BK Veggies. I thought we were going to just tag them and let them go back into the wild, but my boss said they were tasty. At the time, I was horrified by her comment, because I thought the BK Veggies were an endangered species. However, my boss ensured me that they weren’t, so I dug in.

I unwrapped the paper blanket that it was in and saw that it looked very much like its meat counterparts. It consisted of the typical sesame seed bun, green/white chopped lettuce, a tomato slice, mayonnaise, ketchup, and a Morningstar veggie patty.

After taking a bite of it, I began to understand why the BK Veggie wasn’t an endangered species. It wasn’t very good. Its taste was like the needles around a porcupine, keeping predators away. The combination of the Morningstar veggie patty, ketchup, and mayonnaise seemed to be much like the stinky spray that comes out of a skunk, preventing those higher on the food chain from attacking the BK Veggie.

I think another reason why the BK Veggie isn’t an endangered species is because it’s slimmer than other burgers, perhaps making it more agile, quick, and less filling. With 420 calories, 16 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 7 grams of dietary fiber, and 23 grams of protein, it’s somewhat healthier than the more common and easier to catch Whopper.

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Item: BK Veggie
Price: $2.99
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Veggie patty for veggie lovers. High in dietary fiber and protein. Low saturated fat. It’s not an endangered species. Komodo Dragons.
Cons: A little pricey for the size of it. Just like Britney and K-Fed, ketchup and mayonnaise don’t make a good couple with this sandwich. More sodium than a Whopper. My excessive use of lists in this review. Watching, listening, or being around Dr. Phil. Dying a virgin.

I am human.

I have faults, like sometimes not using a plate to eat toast, not wearing underwear because I’m too lazy to do laundry, or always using the handicap restroom stall, even if all the other stalls are empty.

I have idiosyncrasies, like making smiley faces with my fingers on the fogged up doors in the frozen food section of the grocery store and putting stuffed animals in provocative positions whenever I’m in a toy store.

I also have fears.

Believe me, I have many fears. For example, spiders, mutant killer rabbits, Naomi Campbell holding a cell phone, the Whitney Houston’s song “I Will Always Love You,” women who wear jackets with huge shoulder pads, being in the audience of a hip-hop awards show, Scientologists, and rectal thermometers.

However, perhaps my biggest fear right now is waking up with The King.

Not Elvis or B.B. King. I’m talking about this guy on the right.

Can you imagine waking up next to The King with that big smile on his face?

If I were to wake up with The King, the first thing that would pop up in my mind is, “Am I The Queen?” Then the next thing I would wonder is, “Why is The King smiling at me?”

Now when a guy wakes up next to a woman and she has a big smile on her face, that probably means she got some sweet, sweet lovin’. Of course, I’m assuming this because that’s never happened to me. If I were to wake up next to The King with a big smile on his face, all I would hope is that it wasn’t because of sweet, sweet lovin’.

So I am afraid of The King and I feel the only way to prevent me from waking up with The King is to eat breakfast at Burger King. It’s much like how I’ll try products to please the Advertising Gods, so that a product’s irritating commercial will go away.

(Note to self: Remember to pick up Ice Breakers Ice Cubes to help get rid of the Duff sisters Whoa! commercial.)

So recently I tried the new Burger King French Toast Sandwich, which consists of two slices of cinnamon and maple-flavored French Toast bread (which look like hash browns), one folded omelet egg, melted American cheese, and either bacon, ham, or sausage.

The concept is very similar to the popular McGriddles breakfast sandwich from McDonald’s, which uses pancakes instead of French toast. I decided to try the sausage one, since that is the one thing I am not hoping for if I wake up next to The King.

The first thing I noticed about the Burger King French Toast Sandwich was how small it was. It was about four inches in diameter. However, the same can be said about the McGriddles.

The French toast bun wasn’t fluffy like normal French toast, instead it seemed like they were deep fried. Heck, the eggs were fluffier than the French toast bun. As for the taste, I liked it very much. There was a nice combination of sweet and salty with every bite. Unfortunately, because of its size, there weren’t many bites.

So now that I’ve had my Burger King breakfast I hope I won’t be waking up with The King with that big smile on his face. If I do, I really hope he’s smiling because he either put a Sharpie pen mustache on my face or put my hand in warm water while I was asleep.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Impulsive Buy reader Sasha_Kitty for letting me know about the BK French Toast Sandwich.)

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Item: Burger King French Toast Sandwich
Price: $2.89
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Tasty. Nice sweet and salty combination. Having a choice between sausage, ham, and bacon. Smiley faces on frozen food section doors.
Cons: Small in size. Waking up next to The King. Spiders, mutant killer rabbits, Naomi Campbell holding a cell phone, the Whitney Houston’s song “I Will Always Love You,” women who wear jackets with overly huge shoulder pads, being in the audience of a hip-hop awards show, Scientologists, and rectal thermometers.

Sometimes there are ideas that when I first hear about them, I say to myself, “That’s a really good idea.”

But then when I’m sober and I actually see the product, I take back what I said and replace it with something like, “Dammit! I can’t believe I’m wearing men’s capri pants! Damn you, vodka! Damn you!”

Well, it happened to me again with these new Burger King Chicken Fries, which are thin strips of all-white meat chicken breast coated with a seasoned batter.

Damn you, vodka! Damn you!

When I read about them a few months ago, I thought that it was a really great idea, because I imagined that Burger King would take the same sleeves they use for their regular french fries and just fill them with chicken fries instead.

Unfortunately, just like all my imaginations that involve me being a ceiling mirror at the Playboy Mansion, what I imagined the chicken fries were, didn’t come out the way I had hoped.

Instead of a heaping of chicken fries, I had the option of having either a six-piece snack pack or a nine-piece “value” meal, which I decided to purchase. Although, after seeing what the chicken fries looked like, I’d suggest you avoid the “value” meal, because it wasn’t much of a value.

Each chicken fry was a little thicker than BK’s regular french fries, roughly three inches long, and depending where your mind is at, they look like either skinny fried mozzarella sticks or fried tampons.

The BK Chicken Fries comes with a buffalo sauce, which I thought wasn’t bad and tasted better than the buffalo sauce I got with the McDonald’s Chicken Selects I reviewed last year. You can also replace the buffalo sauce with either a barbeque, honey mustard, sweet and sour, or ranch sauce.

Probably the most impressive part of the BK Chicken Fries was the container they came in. Just like the Transformers, this container had more than meets the eye. It had a lid that folds back and creates a place to hold the container of buffalo sauce, as you can see in the picture above.

The container was also designed to fit into your car’s cup holder, so that you can eat while driving, talking on the phone, and yelling stuff at your rowdy kids, like “Be quiet!” or “You were all mistakes!”

I would’ve tried eating them in my car, but I was afraid of getting buffalo sauce on my new red and black leopard print car seat covers.

Grrrowl!

Overall, I wasn’t very impressed with the BK Chicken Fries. With them being so skinny, receiving only six or nine pieces made them seem overpriced. Plus, with so little chicken in each fry, it seemed like each fry only contained the seasoned batter.

However, I really did like the ingenuity of the container they came in and I now believe that chickens have another fate to look forward to that isn’t as embarrassing as becoming chicken nuggets.

Item: Burger King Chicken Fries
Purchase Price: $4.59 (9-piece value meal)
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Buffalo sauce was decent. Nifty container made for those who like to eat on the go. Better fate for chickens than becoming chicken nuggets. Vodka.
Cons: Value meal wasn’t much of a value. Only six or nine pieces. Not much chicken in each fry. Looked like a fried tampon. Men wearing capri pants. Vodka.