Burger King has ribs now! Is that the appropriate level of excitement? I can’t tell, because The King has given me no direction on how to feel about his new ribs. I look to fast food restaurants’ media and marketing departments to tell me how I should feel about their food, and there is absolutely no information about the ribs on their website. Usually, companies assault you with their new products on the front page of their sites, making sure you know damn well that there’s a new product and you’re going to love it. I couldn’t even find the nutritional information on the ribs. I had to find that through other, nefarious means. Is Burger King trying to hide them? Should I be worried?

I’m glad I called my local BK earlier to make sure they were carrying the ribs, because, again, there was no indication of their existence at the restaurant. No big pictures on the drive-thru menu, no posters in the window…nothing. There is no way in the world for you to know these ribs exist, unless you stumbled upon a news story about them on the Internet. (Or the editor of the website you review for told you about them.) I felt like I was in on some sort of secret, like In-N-Out’s not-so-secret secret menu.

I don’t even actually know what these things are officially called. The box says, “Straight from the grill”, but there’s no name on it. The side of the box at least has little pictures of ribs on it, so at least I know I’ve got the right product.

Edit: The Internet just told me they’re called BK Fire-Grilled Ribs. Mystery solved.

According to the box, you can get either six or eight pieces, but my secret nutritional information source says that you can also get a three-piece box. Who knows? Burger King certainly isn’t going to tell me. And that creepy King never talks, so he’s of no help. Yeah, you just keep standing over there with your arms crossed, The King. Looking all creepy and smug, knowing that nobody knows a damn thing about your ribs.

I dunno about these guys. They look kind of weird. And…burned. There is a pleasant smell of grilled meat faintly wafting from the box, but it does smell a little like what happened when I tried to use a grill once. Considering I once managed to ruin a package of ramen, I think you see where I’m going with this.

These certainly don’t look like any ribs I’ve ever seen before. I guess they’re supposed to be short ribs? Hey, wait, is that…is that a bone I see? Oh, these are actual ribs! Up to this point, I thought they were just going to be strange and boneless, like that mutant piece of meat on the McRib. Burger King copies all of McDonald’s other ideas, so I just figured this would be more of the same. Good thing I noticed the bones before I bit into them. That could have gone poorly.

They look mostly like seriously failed chicken wings. Or perhaps the severed limbs of infant burn victims? Okay, that’s just tasteless. C’mon now. Seriously though, it looks like a Chihuahua caught on fire in the Burger King parking lot and they decided to call it a “happy accident.” I mean, I’m not a rib expert, but these just don’t look right.

They don’t taste right, either. The first one I tried was dry and terribly burned. The second one was moist, and by that I mean greasy, and burned. And that’s pretty much the story for the rest of the box. The few moist bites I got showed that the meat closest to the bone had some good flavor and texture, but there wasn’t much of that on those little ribs. One person on the Internet noted that they got barbecue sauce with theirs, so I made sure to ask for some at the window. The King’s serf assured me that it was in the bag. It was not in the bag.

The ribs seemed like they didn’t have any seasoning on them, unless you count “burned” as a seasoning. If I’ve learned anything from Bobby Flay, besides the fact that you can cook anything on a grill (I think I saw him make a bowl of Frosted Flakes on there once), it’s that your ribs need to be properly seasoned, whether that’s with a dry rub or a wet one. If I’ve learned anything from the various barbecue shows I’ve seen on the Travel Channel, the nation is polarized between wet and dry rubs, but I’m pretty sure they’d all agree that a naked rib is a no-no.

Honestly though, any seasoning they might have applied to it would have been overpowered by the taste of charred flesh. The flavor stayed in my mouth long after I’d finished the ribs, leaving me feeling like I’d just eaten a box full of the remains of someone’s tragic house fire. No amount of barbecue sauce is going to cover that up. Speaking of covering up, I see now why Burger King is keeping these ribs under wraps. These ribs just ain’t right.

(Nutrition Facts – 6 ribs – 450 calories, 33 grams of total fat, 12 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 140 milligrams of cholesterol, 1,290 milligrams of sodium, 4 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 0 grams of sugars and 35 grams of protein.)

Item: BK Fire-Grilled Ribs
Price: $5.69
Size: 6 ribs
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Some meat was moist. Feeling like part of a secret club. Actual meat on a bone and not fake, formed ribs. Getting to call a Burger King employee a serf.
Cons: Charred as all get-out. The King, being smug and creepy. Lots of dry meat. Making infant burn victim jokes. Charcoals-in-my-mouth taste will not leave.

The combination of cilantro and lime sounds like one that we would find either on the menu at a fine dining establishment or in the recipe book that comes with a Magic Bullet blender. But it’s not something I would expect to see on a fast food menu board that also contains Crown-Shaped Chicken Tenders and funnel cake sticks.

Actually, let me take back that last sentence because if there’s any fast food company who has the balls to introduce the Cilantro Lime BK Big Fish, it would be Burger King, or BK if you’re lazy, or McDonalds’ Bitch if you’re nasty. Only a company that could invent chicken fries could create this fish sandwich.

For those of you who have never had a BK Big Fish, it takes everything a McDonald’s Filet-O-Fish has, except the cheese and annoying singing fish commercials that make you want to punch your computer monitor, and makes it bigger. But if you’ve seen the minuscule Filet-O-Fish, you know making a larger variation of it is an extremely easy task. Between the buns of the Cilantro Lime BK Big Fish, the usual tartar sauce is replaced with a cilantro lime sauce that looks equally as disturbing as the tartar sauce. While the sauce is made with two green colored ingredients, the sauce isn’t green at all, just like most of the lettuce in the sandwich.

The flavor of the sauce in the Cilantro Lime BK Big Fish almost goes beyond my threshold of what I consider tasty. The cilantro is noticeable, but thankfully isn’t too heavy. However, if the cilantro was kicked up a slight notch, it would probably be more than what I can tolerate. As for the lime flavor, it’s as subdued as the cilantro and does for this sauce what it has done for Corona Beer, which is make something shitty taste a little bit better.

Yes, I did enjoy this sandwich. The fish filet had a crunchy exterior and a soft interior; its bun was of higher quality than the Filet-O-Fish’s; and the sauce had the right balance of cilantro and citrus. I’d probably eat it again if I’m in the mood for something that doesn’t come from a cow or chicken, and if I want to consume trans fats and enough sodium to make my blood pressure as high as the final score of any past NBA All-Star Game.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 sandwich – 630 calories, 31 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 50 milligrams of cholesterol, 1570 milligrams of sodium, 65 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 7 grams of sugar and 23 grams of protein.)

Item: Burger King Cilantro Lime BK Big Fish
Price: $5.49 (small combo)
Size: 1 sandwich
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Interesting, tasty sauce. High in protein. High quality bun, when compared to other fast food fish sandwiches. Fish filet had a crunchy exterior with a soft interior. Sauce doesn’t come in a disturbing green color. The Magic Bullet.
Cons: It’s a regional item so it’s not available everywhere. If you hate cilantro, you will curse this sandwich. Contains trans fat and over 1500 milligrams of sodium. Most of the lettuce in the sandwich isn’t green. McDonald’s Filet-O-Fish commercials.

Thank goodness for carnivals and circuses.

They give us the opportunity to consume foods we normal wouldn’t eat anywhere else, like cotton candy; something deep fried that shouldn’t have been, like a Snickers, Oreo or Twinkie; and you can eat funnel cake, which has a shape and look that makes it appear to be poop that got snowed on.

Carnivals also allow you to upchuck those foods, thanks to rides with names like “The Zipper,” “Gravitron,” “Twister,” “Tilt-A-Whirl” and the appropriately named, “Vomit Comet.”

Like beauty and the fame from being the first person booted off of a reality show, getting to enjoy carnival food is fleeting, unless you’re a carny or follow the carnival from town to town, sort of like an overweight Deadhead, except a carnival follower’s munchies aren’t caused by smoking weed.

Sure you could make your own funnel cake, but you know it won’t be as good as the stuff at the carnival, because you lack carny magic. If you’re hoping the new Burger King Funnel Cake Sticks are a good substitute for carnival funnel cake, think again…or think about growing a long beard, if you’re a woman, or working on your throwing accuracy with knives so that you can have your own tent to show off your freakish beard or pinpoint knife flinging.

The BK Funnel Cake Sticks come with nine pieces and a container of white icing dipping sauce. Each stick is 3.5 inches long, is covered in powdered sugar and has almost the same consistency as Burger King french fries — a slightly crunchy outside and soft inside.

The funnel cake sticks without the icing didn’t have much flavor, unless you count greasiness and my salty tears of disappointment. It didn’t remind me of funnel cake, instead it reminded me that I don’t really care for what Burger King produces in deep fried stick form, like their french fries and Chicken Fries.

Not even the container of icing helped make it sweeter and taste better because it just couldn’t subdue the greasiness. Adding more sugar might improve it. Or maybe casting some carny magic.

(Nutrition Facts – 9 sticks – 300 calories, 11 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 210 milligrams of sodium, 49 grams of carbohydrates, 30 grams of sugar and 2 grams of protein.)

Item: Burger King Funnel Cake Sticks
Price: $2.49
Size: 9 sticks
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Comes with 9 sticks. Crunchy outside, soft inside. No trans fat. Comes in a convenient box that hold the sticks and dipping icing. Carnival rides. Carny magic.
Cons: Really greasy flavor. Didn’t remind me of funnel cake. Icing didn’t help with the greasy flavor. The Vomit Comet. How quickly people forget the first person kicked off of a reality show. Fried Twinkie/Oreo/Snickers. Carnival rides after eating carnival food.

I wanted to use the festive-looking Burger King Cup Cake Sundae Shake as my birthday cupcake replacement, but it probably wouldn’t have been suitable.

Because by the time someone lit the candle and everyone finished singing “Happy Birthday” to me in English and Japanese, while holding sparklers, the candle probably would have melted through the whipped cream and sprinkles and then extinguished itself in the ice cream.

Also, since I wouldn’t have blown out the candle, my wish for either world peace or the 2010 Oxford Dictionary Word of the Year to be “redonkidonkulous” wouldn’t come true.

By the way, “redonkidonkulous” is used to describe how ridiculous it is to use the word “redonkulous” all the time.

Like all fast food milkshakes, the Cup Cake Sundae Shake is high in saturated fat and sugar, which means, if you have children and want to lower their weight and your electricity bill, just get a hamster wheel that your child can fit in, connect it to something that can convert the motion of the wheel into electricity and let the dozens of grams of carbohydrates and sugar power your child as they provide energy for your home by making the hamster wheel move and a brisk, consistent pace.

The milkshake really did taste like a cupcake, thanks to the yellow cake-flavored ice cream. It looked and tasted like I was eating yellow cake batter, except without the possibility of getting salmonella or getting my tongue stuck in a hand mixer. It also almost tastes like egg nog ice cream. The milkshake was really good and brought back memories of those days when my classmates would call me “Cupcake Face,” not because I ate a lot of cupcakes, but because when I put a rain hat my head, it would look like an upside down cupcake, thanks to my chubby cheeks and lack of a hamster wheel for me to get some exercise.

The whipped cream and candy sprinkles didn’t add much flavor, but it did make it look prettier, like normal clothing does with Lady Gaga. The sprinkles did end up getting stuck on my molars, but since I didn’t brush my teeth right after consuming it, I got a little treat about 20 minutes later.

Overall, the Burger King Cup Cake Sundae Shake was a pleasant treat, and if it could hold a candle without melting the dessert, I would blow it out and wish for it to come back again.

(Nutrition Facts – 22 ounces – 680 calories, 25 grams of fat, 17 grams of saturated fat, 1 grams of trans fat, 75 milligrams of cholesterol, 330 milligrams of sodium, 115 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 103 grams of sugar and 10 grams of protein.)

(NOTE: Thanks to TIB reader Nadia for suggesting the Burger King Cup Cake Sundae Shake.)

Item: Burger King Cup Cake Sundae Shake
Price: $2.89
Size: Small
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tastes like a cupcake. Also kind of reminds me of egg nog ice cream. Looks like yellow cake batter. Comes with a fat ass straw. Candy sprinkles made it look pretty. Hamster wheels for children to power your home. Lady Gaga with normal clothes.
Cons: Whipped cream and candy sprinkles didn’t add flavor. Not wise to eat with a value meal from Burger King, unless you love being overweight. Candy sprinkles got stuck in my molars. My head in a rain hat. Lady Gaga with whatever she usually wears. Excessive use of the word “redonkulous.”