Is there something about chocolate and volcanoes that I should know about?

First, Domino’s came out with their Chocolate Lava Crunch Cake. Arby’s followed with the Chocolate Molten Lava Cake. Now, Burger King has new Molten Fudge Bites. Listen, fast food marketers. Volcanoes are scary. Just look at Pompeii.

Well, at least Burger King stayed away from the direct implications of lava. They describe their Molten Fudge Bites as “warm, bite-sized treats featuring a fudge-brownie outside and creamy molten chocolate filling on the inside. Served hot and finished off with a dusting of powdered sugar.”

Hey BK, you need to decide if these Bites are warm or hot. You can sugar coat it (sorry) all you want, but your own marketing has led me to believe that your Molten Fudge Bites want to squirt hot chocolate filling into my mouth that sticks like napalm and leaves me screaming and reeling around my house in agony.

Okay, so that’s not really true. I wasn’t afraid of these Molten Fudge Bites for two reasons: one, I’ve eaten a Hot Pocket straight out of the microwave before, so my mouth has already experienced the feeling of screaming-hot fillings fused to my tongue, and two, the only time a fast food item has actually burned my mouth has been either coffee or french fries, no matter their claims of warm or hot.

I also had this weird vision of the chocolate squirting into my mouth like the liquid center of a piece of Freshen-Up gum, which I couldn’t decide if I would like or hate.

Coming in a group of four packaged in the paper sleeve usually reserved for sissy-sized french fries, these little guys were plump and about the size of a half-dollar. Nobody knows what a half-dollar looks like anymore, making this analogy completely worthless, so let’s just say they were the perfect size to bite in half, or shove the whole thing in your mouth if you have a giant maw.

I was pleasantly surprised to find that my Fudge Bites were, indeed, warm. I was more afraid they’d be cold as opposed to mouth-scorching hot. Each bite also had an aesthetically pleasing dusting of powdered sugar on it.

Upon biting one in half, my mouth was flooded with rich chocolate. I was surprised at the amount of layers Molten Fudge Bites had; the gooey inside dominated, filling my mouth with chocolate fudge that was very rich and not at all artificial-tasting. The outer “fudge-brownie” shell was pretty thin, and while the strength of the chocolate filling canceled out most of the shell’s taste, it added a surprising amount of crunch to compliment all that goo. I would liken it to the crunchy edge of a pan of brownies, which everyone knows is the best part, especially given the proliferation of “all edge” brownie pans now available.

Powdered sugar has a distinctive yet delicate flavor, and I found that if I popped a whole Fudge Bite into my mouth, you couldn’t detect the flavor at all, but if I bit a Bite in half, the sugar coated my lips, which made for a nice finishing flavor when I licked my lips. I would suggest that this is how you eat Molten Fudge Bites, as long as you don’t mind looking like the character Tyrone Biggums from Chappelle’s Show.

Despite all my huffing and puffing about volcanoes and the like, I really wasn’t expecting anything special from Burger King’s Molten Fudge Bites. I was pleasantly surprised to find that they had a depth of flavor, from the gooey, fully-fudge-flavored inside to the crunchy brownie outside that worked so well with the goo. The powdered sugar seemed like an afterthought, but when eaten in two bites, it did contribute to the flavor.

My biggest complaint about Molten Fudge Bites is that they are so very, very rich. That fudge filling ain’t playin’ – imagine eating a spoonful of fudge ice cream topping straight from the jar and then biting into a brownie. Repeat that three more times.

If you’re a really serious chocoholic, four of these Molten Fudge Bites will definitely satisfy your cocoa craving. I myself was more than satisfied after two, yet felt obligated to eat all four, which left me feeling like I had turned into a fudge golem.

(Nutrition Facts – 4 bites – 330 calories, 17 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 200 milligrams of sodium, 40 grams of carbohydrates, 19 grams of sugar, and 5 grams of protein.)

Item: Burger King Molten Fudge Bites
Purchased Price: $1.99
Size: 4 bites
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Chocolate fudge filling was gooey and non-artificial. Old-school liquid-squirting gum. Bites were actually warm. Will satisfy chocoholics. Outside was pleasantly crunchy. Powdered sugar was a nice touch. Fudge golems.
Cons: Too rich for some people’s tastes. Looking like Tyrone the Crackhead. Even four pieces still seemed like too much. Volcanoes.

There are numerous Facebook pages dedicated to bringing back Crystal Pepsi. These Facebook pages probably outnumber the amount of unopened Crystal Pepsi bottles and cans in existence today. But despite all the Facebook likes and ALL CAPS pleads these pages have accumulated, Crystal Pepsi is still just a memory from the 1990s.

Another product I was surprised to find out has numerous Facebook pages dedicated to its revival was Burger King’s Cheesy Tots. However, unlike Crystal Pepsi fans, Cheesy Tots fans can celebrate with ALL CAPS Facebook posts because the starchy and cheesy menu item is back for a limited time.

To be honest, I didn’t experience the pleasure of stuffing my mouth with Cheesy Tots the first time they were around, so I’m glad my mouth has a second chance.

Burger King’s Cheesy Tots come in three sizes: small, medium, and large. I picked up the medium, which came with ten of them. (A small has eight pieces, while a large has 12.) The side dish looks like school cafeteria chicken nuggets, but within the thick, crispy, and golden brown exterior is an interior that’s basically a tater tot bleeding light orange American cheese.

Speaking of the cheese, it’s slightly chalky. Although that texture could’ve been caused by potatoes that were broken down while being deep fried. The cheese also lacked flavor. In other words, the Cheesy Tots weren’t very cheesy. They did have a nice potato flavor, similar to tater tots, but with its very mild cheesiness, I can’t say I’m impressed with them.

Burger King’s Cheesy Tots don’t come with a dipping sauce, but I wish they did. I do think they would go well with Burger King’s Zesty sauce and I also believe they would be a neat topping to add to your Whopper. However, by themselves, I don’t think they’re good enough to make me want to create Facebook page dedicated to bringing them back when they go away again.

(Nutrition Facts – Medium size – 350 calories, 150 calories from fat, 17 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 880 milligrams of sodium, 34 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 1 gram of sugar, and 15 grams of protein.)

Item: Burger King Cheesy Tots
Purchased Price: $3.39*
Size: Medium
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Nice potato flavor, perhaps better than their fries. Nice crispy exterior. Burger King’s Zesty sauce. Crystal Pepsi.
Cons: Not very cheesy. Cheese was slightly chalky. They look like school cafeteria chicken nuggets. They don’t make me want to make a “Bring Back Cheesy Tots” Facebook page.

*Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, the price I paid might be significantly higher than what you’ll pay.

When I first heard about Burger King’s new Philly Chicken Sandwich, I thought they were going to top one of their Original Chicken Sandwiches with thin slices of steak, chopped onions and peppers, and cheese, similar to what Carl’s Jr. did when they topped one of their burgers with innards of a Philly Cheesesteak.

But Burger King didn’t and I’m a bit sad about it.

According to the Burger King website, here’s what they did:

A lightly-breaded chicken fillet topped with traditional Philly-Style toppings – a colorful mix of bell peppers and seasoned grilled onions, served with American cheese and smothered with a creamy cheese sauce. All served hot on a toasted sesame bun.

Oppa Philly-style toppings?

If putting bell peppers, onions, and cheese on top of another food allows one to label it “Philly,” then I’d like to see supreme pizzas be called Philly pizzas and fajitas called Phillitas.

When I pulled back the top bun of the Philly Chicken Sandwich, the bright red and green bell peppers made it feel like it’s still the Christmas season. There was a good amount of peppers and onions on the sandwich, but there was even more cheese. The bell peppers and onions had a crunchiness to them and gave the sandwich a nice flavor.

The orange goo that prevented the veggies from falling out tasted like typical American cheese and actually provided some decent flavor, which is surprising for fast food cheese. But I guess it’s easy to taste the cheese where there aren’t any sauces or mayo to overpower it.

As for the chicken patty, it was dry, but I’m not surprised by that because I believe every Burger King Original Chicken Sandwich I’ve ever had has come with a dry patty. Before taking my first bite, I already knew that the chicken patty in my Philly Chicken Sandwich was going to be devoid of any juiciness because the breaded exterior was darker than the skin of a tanorexic.

The Burger King Philly Chicken Sandwich is a decent fast food menu item, albeit a salty one. The flavor of the toppings almost completely made up for the dry chicken patty. Although, I think it would’ve been better (and more deserving of the Philly name) if Burger King also topped it with thin steak slices.

(Nutrition Facts – 550 calories, 25 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 75 milligrams of cholesterol, 1870 milligrams of sodium, 54 grams of carbohydrates, 8 grams of sugar, and 30 grams of protein.)

Item: Burger King Philly Chicken Sandwich
Purchased Price: $4.99
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Decent sandwich. Crunchy veggies. Cheese had flavor and kept veggies from falling out. Christmas-y innards. Awesome source of protein.
Cons: Bell peppers, onions, and cheese equals Philly? Awesome source of sodium. Not having thin steak slices. Tanorexia.

Aioli.

It looks like it could be the Hawaiian word for “maybe,” but ‘a’ole.

However, if you watch Food Network cooking shows or call yourself a “foodie” and have more pictures of food you’ve made/eaten than pictures of your children, you know what aioli is. If not, let me explain what aioli is…after I Google it because I have no idea what it is.

According to the first search result, aioli is a creamy French sauce made using lemon juice, eggs, garlic, and olive oil. Oooh, fancy! Aioli is also an ingredient found in Burger King’s new Avocado & Swiss Whopper. Oooh, fancy! Along with an avocado aioli, the limited time only Whopper features a beef patty, bacon, Swiss cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, and an avocado spread on a sesame seed bun.

Hey! Wait a minute!

That’s sound awfully similar to Burger King’s California Whopper, which also has a beef patty, bacon, Swiss cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, and an avocado spread (guacamole) on a sesame seed bun. However, while many of the ingredients are the same, the Avocado & Swiss Whopper is a much better tasting burger.

The thin beef patty, pale lettuce, tomatoes, and sesame seed bun that make up most of the sandwich didn’t provide any surprises since it’s the same stuff you’d find on a regular Whopper. Also, much like the guacamole in the California Whopper, the avocado spread in the Avocado & Swiss Whopper didn’t have much flavor and it seemed like it was there mostly as glue to keep the lettuce and bacon from falling out.

Speaking of the bacon, it was smoky, thick-ish, and somewhat crisp. It was pretty good fast food bacon, but the amount in the sandwich was less than a slice of bacon fried at home, which wasn’t enough to cover half the burger. As for the Swiss, it surprisingly added some cheesy flavor to the sandwich that doesn’t get lost under all the other ingredients.

But, again, what makes this burger special is the avocado aioli, which sounds like an ingredient you’d find on a sandwich from an upscale burger joint or on a Whopper from a European Burger King. The sauce was pleasantly zesty and its flavor reminded me of hot dog relish. It gives the Avocado & Swiss Whopper a unique flavor that makes the sandwich one of my favorite Whopper varieties of all time.

* ‘a’ole is the Hawaiian word for “no”

(Nutrition Facts – 730 calories, 350 calories from fat, 39 grams of fat, 15 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 100 milligrams of cholesterol, 1510 milligrams of sodium, 58 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 10 grams of sugar, and 38 grams of protein.)

Item: Burger King Avocado & Swiss Whopper
Purchased Price: $6.69 (sandwich only)
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Wonderful limited time only Whopper. Tasty avocado aioli. Unique flavor. Good bacon. Avocado keeps lettuce and bacon from falling out. Getting to use a Hawaiian word in a review, which I hope I spelled correctly. Google.
Cons: Avocado spread didn’t have much flavor. Pricey. Not enough bacon. Putting everything you eat on Instagram. Thin beef patty. Some folks won’t like the avocado aioli.

It’s almost holiday/low productivity at work/dealing with annoying parents time.

It’s that time when big band holiday music is played at Crate & Barrel and Banana Republic stores all across the nation to lend that over the top affluence. It’s also that time of year when I relish how bourbon tastes when there’s a chill in the air and that warm feeling in my tummy that follows.

Yet, what I love most about this time of year are the holiday variants of food products that are unleashed. Turkey gravy cough drops, anybody?

Lately I’ve been on a Burger King kick. Partly because BK seems to be one of the few fast foodie joints taking some chances, but, mostly, because BK is within walking distance from my mansion that houses an extensive blazer collection. Also, I can’t drive until my probation is over.

I’m not a big fan of milkshakes, unless it’s a McDonald’s strawberry milkshake. And when I say, “McDonald’s strawberry milkshake,” I mean the vintage version sans whipped cream, the maraschino cherry, and McCafe logo-branded cup. However, as I walked up the curved asphalt in the Burger King drive thru, I couldn’t I pass up what I saw on the backlit menu and in the pictures on the windows? A gingerbread cookie shake.

What came from Burger King’s decked out stainless steel kitchen looked very close to the oversized photos that hung in the window. It was light brown with creamy white swirls throughout the soft serve shake and dolloped with whipped cream and gingerbread cookie crumbles on top. I have no idea what that chemical dairy smell that soft serve exudes, but I’m a fan of it. It’s hard to describe, but when I smell it, I pop a gustation boner.

For a paltry $2.39 (entry fee for the small size) I was given the chance to mentally escape, at least temporarily, the heavy burdens of my ankle bracelet. I straightened my red wool tartan driver’s cap, pressed my button down blue shirt flat with my hands and sat in the booth with determination.

Will I finally tell my wife that I want a divorce because she needs to watch that awful Once Upon A Time show when all I want to do is play Borderlands 2? Will I stand up to the world and tell my probation officer to eat the streets today? Will this be the day my opinion of milkshakes change?

No on all three counts, but allow me to explain.

Great milkshakes have that Goldilocks-like range. Not too watery which makes it like melted ice cream, and not too thick which makes it so hard to suck through a straw that you might as well be performing fellatio. The milkshake I got was perfectly in between.

The gingerbread flavor was at the forefront and it was intense. It was buttery, rich and savory the way excellent gingerbread can be. The cookie bits on the top were a whimsical touch, but also served its purpose to emphasize the gingerbread flavor.
There were notes of musky cloves and cinnamon that played very well with the vanilla soft serve blended in the shake. I could taste hints of ginger, which was nice. I thought it was a possible non-alcoholic liquid holiday drink that could help me deal with the frayed nerves of my family.

As perverted as it sounds, this felt so good going down my throat. For a second I thought, “You know what? Life is going to be all right, buddy.” That neighbor who throws chicken bones on my lawn isn’t so bad; he’s just trying to help me fertilize the grass. And you know what else? When my mother says, “Jeff, you’re an idiot and a mistake, we never wanted you,” it’s her way of motivating me to become a better person.

I love you, Mom.

However, just as I was embracing the complexities of a good ginger cookie, the sweetness of the shake did donuts on my tongue and then monster trucked into some old rusty Pontiacs. My teeth began to hurt from how sweet it was. And Tiger Mom, I hate you! You’re always saying such hurtful things. Why didn’t you give me up for adoption to a Non-Chinese family with no Tiger Moms and unfeeling dads?

Happy Holidays, dammit!

Similar to a tidal wave crashing on shore or your gross uncle who lays a fart in the room, the sweetness takes over everything it can reach its proverbial hands on. Basically it’s as if my taste buds were placed in a sleeper hold and the sugar was shouting in their ears to tap out. “SUBMIT, bitch! Tap out! SUBMIT! You know you want to submit! You don’t have it in you! GIVE UP!”

Even though my experience was slightly ruined by the sweetness of the shake, I kept slurping because that gingerbread flavor was so damn good. However, I did not drink the whole shake because it was pretty decadent. But let me say Burger King’s Gingerbread Cookie Shake is worth a try just for the gingerbread flavor, even though you’ll probably find yourself submitting to the sugar high.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be submitting myself to my regular old brown liquors to get me through another Thank(less)giving.

(Nutrition Facts – small size – 490 calories, 15 grams of fat, 11 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 290 milligrams of sodium, 82 grams of carbohydrates, 70 grams of sugar, 8 grams of protein.)

Other Burger King Gingerbread Cookie Shake reviews:
Grub Grade
Man Reviews Food
On Second Scoop

Item: Burger King Gingerbread Cookie Shake
Purchased Price: $2.39
Size: Small
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Gingerbread flavor is buttery and savory. Thickness of shake was perfect. Big band holiday music. Crate & Barrel. Musky clove and subtle cinnamon flavors. Gustation boner. Banana Republic. Gingerbread cookie crumbles on the top are a nice addition. Borderlands 2.
Cons: Too sweet. McCafe vs. the old shakes. Too damn sweet. Once Upon A Time. Really, it is so sweet. So sweet, my teeth hurt.