REVIEW: Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper

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Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper

I have a friend who drinks an X-treme Gulp of Diet Coke almost everyday. For those of you who don’t know, an X-treme Gulp contains 52-OUNCES OF SODA!!! It comes in this gigantic reusable plastic mug that’s roughly the size of my head. My friend puts a straw through the spill proof lid and nurses his X-treme Gulp the whole day at work.

Somehow I think drinking 52-OUNCES of Diet Coke, defeats the purpose of drinking Diet Coke. Then again, I’ve never consumed 52-OUNCES of Diet Coke, so what does my fat ass know?

When I first heard about my friend’s X-treme consumption of Diet Coke, all I could think of was him probably spending half the day drinking it and the other half peeing it out. Of course, probably the worst part of it all is the fact he fills his head-sized mug with a diet soda, which is currently only a notch above sparkling water in the taste department.

There’s a reason why the word “die” is in “diet.” It’s because diet sodas are the dead tasting versions of their regular high-sugar counterparts.

The only times I’ve tried diet sodas are when I’ve come late to parties and all that’s left in the coolers are a ton of diet sodas. I know they’re diet sodas because all diet sodas come in a white or light gray can. The reason for this is because dark colored cans absorb taste, while light colored cans reflect it.

So because I’m late to these parties, I have to drink a diet soda, because the only other options are the melted ice in the coolers and the garden hose that the dog also drinks from.

Now when I drink a diet soda my face puckers up with every sip. It’s like the magic potion that turns me into Camilla Parker Bowles. Oh wait, she’s now called The Duchess of Cornwall. My bad.

Anyway, my face usually doesn’t make babies cry or mirrors crack, but when I grimace from drinking a diet soda, it’s almost guaranteed.

So it was with some trepidation, that I picked up a Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper from the convenience store down the street. I really wanted to pick up the Pepsi Holiday Spice that was in the refrigerated case, but I thought it would be best if I not, because I don’t know how long they’ve been there, since holiday season is waaay over.

When I got home, I prepared myself for the diet soda by covering all the mirrors and making sure I had no illegitimate babies in the apartment. However, after drinking it, I realized that all those preparations were unnecessary.

It turned out that it’s possible to make a diet soda that actually tastes good.

Yahtzee!

With the Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper, I could definitely taste the Dr Pepper and I could taste the cherries. However, as for the vanilla, it just wasn’t there, which disappointed me because having it would’ve probably made this soda even better.

Since I liked it so much, I decided to buy more bottles, but when I went back the next day to the convenience store, they were sold out. Which probably means other people like it or my friend likes it and decided to buy the rest of the stock so that he could fill his X-treme Gulp mug for a while.

I was thinking about giving Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper a 3 rating, but for being the best diet soda I’ve ever had and for not making me look like someone Prince Charles would kiss, I gave it a 4 rating.

Now if they ever have Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper available at the convenience store’s soda fountain, I think purchasing an X-treme Gulp of it is in my future.

Item: Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper
Purchase Price: $1.29
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Best diet soda I’ve ever tasted. Zero-calories. Zero-carbs. Doesn’t make me look like The Duchess of Cornwall.
Cons: No vanilla flavor. Contains phenylalanine. Took forever for a store here to have it in stock.

REVIEW: Aquafina Berry Sparkling Water

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Aquafina Berry Sparkling Water

Note to self: If the bottle of the beverage you’re thinking of purchasing has the word “sparkling” on it, avoid it at all costs, even if it is really cheap.

I’m no longer a sparkling water virgin, but it’s not really something I want to brag about. Just like all my other devirginizing experiences, losing my sparking water virginity was awkward, frustrating, and left a bad taste in my mouth.

At least it wasn’t as bad as the other devirginizing experience I’ve had, like losing my drunk barfing virginity and losing my bra wearing virginity, which included photocopied photos posted on the doors of all the women rooms in my dormitory.

I’m not sure how best I can describe the taste of sparkling water to those who still are sparkling water virgins, but I think it’s safe to say they taste like the tears from a devil.

If that explanation totally blew your mind or it sounded like I was drunk when I wrote it, sparkling water has a really bitter taste and a horrid aftertaste. Even with the light, and I mean light, taste of berry in the Aquafina Berry Sparkling Water, it still tasted like someone figured out a way to bottle the color gray.

Every swig I took of the Aquafina Berry Sparkling Water made me shudder. However, I’ve been using that shuddering to my advantage. I’ve been nursing the same 20-ounce bottle for the past seven days and during those days I’ve taken a swig of the Aquafina Berry Sparkling Water whenever I needed to be perked up, since drinking it is such a shock to my system.

It’s sort of like being shocked by static electricity, except without the static or the electricity.

Beside the horrible taste, another thing that bothered me about the Aquafina Berry Sparkling Water was the fact that it was cheaper than the same-sized bottle of regular Aquafina water. This made me think that the Aquafina Sparkling Water was actually made from the water that was rejected for regular Aquafina water.

The people at Aquafina were probably thinking they could use it to water plants, but then realized there’s no money to be made watering plants, so they added some carbonation and as little flavor as possible and sold it as Aquafina Sparking Water.

It’s sort of like how the workers at my middle school cafeteria turned Monday’s meatloaf into Friday’s tacos.

Waste not, want not.

Yahtzee!

Okay with the review out of the way, it’s time to announce this month’s prize drawing. I know it’s a little early, but I really have to get rid of this month’s prizes, which are packs of Hershey’s Reese’s Cookies.

I originally was going to give away five packs of them, but I ate one, so now we’re down to four and if I didn’t start accepting entries for the prize drawing today, that number probably would’ve dropped to three.

So four lucky readers will each receive one 4-pack of those damn good Hershey’s Reese’s Cookies.

To enter the drawing, just leave a comment for THIS review with the words “Thin Mints’ Beeyatch” in it and whatever else you would like to say. Or, if you think we’re lame comment whores, you can also enter by sending us an email with the phrase “Cookie Monster” in the subject field.

If you leave a comment, don’t forget to fill out the email field, because we will be emailing the winner for their mailing address. Don’t worry about the shipping, we will take care of it.

We will start accepting entries for the drawing on April 5, 2005. We will stop accepting entries on April 8, 2005. Only one entry allowed per person. The drawing is ONLY open to those in the United States and Canada. (Sorry, rest of the world)

Each entry will be stuffed into the empty Aquafina Berry Sparkling Water from this review. After all the entries are stuffed, I will curse the bottle and kick it around for messing with my tastebuds.

The first four entries I pull out of the bottle will be the four winners.

Fine Print: We promise your email address will not be used to send you spam about how you can download Clay Aiken ringtones. We also promise your mailing address will not be used to send you offers for Playboy Magazine. Bribes will not be accepted. We will not be responsible for melted chocolate, broken cookies, or lost mail.

Item: Aquafina Berry Sparkling Water
Purchase Price: 89 cents
Rating: 1 out of 5
Pros: The horrible bitter taste can be used to send a shock to your system. Lost my sparkling water virginity, but I want it back.
Cons: It’s extremely bitter, like the tears from a devil. Very light berry flavor. Cheaper than regular Aquafina water.

Vintage Fruit Refreshers

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VFR Lemonade

I usually don’t like those flavored water beverages, but when it comes to lemonade and its ilk, I can’t resist.

There’s something about the tartness and the sweetness blended to perfection. Now I understand when guys say they want a ‘sweet girl,’ but still chase the chick in the mini-skirt.

Anyway, my mom’s been buying these Vintage Fruit Refreshers for months, and even though they have lots of flavors (Peach Citrus, Strawberry Kiwi, Cherry Lime, etc.), the lemonade is the one I usually swipe from the bag before she puts them into the trunk of the car.

They’re really good, considering they’re calorie free, caffeine free, sugar free, zero carbs water drinks.

It maybe water, but they come in colors. The last time I checked, drinking water does not come in colors, except possibly brown in third world countries.

But the color comes in handy, because with regular clear water, glasses can get mixed up and you might be drinking the water from someone’s glass you REALLY don’t want drink from. Cooties can be spread that way, ya know. With the Vintage Fruit Refreshers, you don’t have that problem.

They also make the ideal drink to have around the house when your kids want something besides water. Well, it’s water, but… Forget it.

You may not think it won’t taste good because it’s water, but when you actually taste it, you’ll be pleasantly surprised. I let my friend taste the Peach Citrus flavor just the other day, and she’s now hooked.

Her exact words were, “I could get down on that Peach one.” Whatever that means.

The lemonade totally kicks its butt.

As far as getting them, I usually end up shopping with my mother, just so I can get one. I haven’t actually seen which aisle they’re in; they seem to magically appear in the shopping cart.

But once they’re in the cart, I’m glad they’re there. Yum.

Item: Vintage Fruit Refreshers
Purchase Price: 2 for $1.19
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: No calories or carbs (if you care). Two sizes (20 oz, 1 liter). Lots of flavors to choose from, but the lemonade flavor is addicting. It has colors, so you know the difference without sipping from 3 different cups.
Cons: Can’t find the right aisle, so I have to shop with my mom to get them. Has an aftertaste.

REVIEW: POM Wonderful Mango Pomegranate

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POM Wonderful Mango Pomegranate

I’m a sucker for things that are shaped like hourglasses, like board game timers and Victorian women with very tight corsets. It was this attraction that made me notice the hourglass-shaped bottle of POM Wonderful Pomegranate in one of the refrigerated cases at the national grocery store chain I shop at.

There were only two flavors in stock, mango and cherry (They also come in tangerine, blueberry, and, of course, pomegranate). I decided to pick the mango, because I love mango and it’s considered to be an aphrodisiac. However, I don’t know about that aphrodisiac part, because every time I’ve eaten mango, I’ve been alone…so alone. (tear)

The thing most noticeable about the POM, besides the hourglass-shaped bottle, was the fact it may have been labeled mango-flavored, but it surely wasn’t mango-colored. Instead it was a dark, cola-like color. For a moment I thought to myself, “The only time mangoes look dark like that is when they’re rotting.”

Then I thought, “Sure it’s not mango-colored, but I’m positive it’s got to taste like mango. What company in their right mind would produce a product labeled mango-flavored and it not be mango-flavored?”

(One 16 oz. POM Wonderful Mango Pomegranate bottle later)

Apparently I have found what could possibly be the ONLY mango product on the face of the Earth that isn’t mango-colored and doesn’t taste like mango. Instead it has this tart cranberry-type of flavor to it, which is probably the pomegranate overpowering the mango.

Now you’re probably asking yourself, “What’s pomegranate?” Well sit back boys and girls, here’s your health food lesson for the day.

Pomegranate is a red fruit and its juice is considered to be one of the healthiest around. It’s a wonderful source of potassium, vitamin C, polyphenols, flavonoids, antioxidants, and a bunch of other healthy things with long names. A glass of it has more antioxidants than a glass of red wine. Of course the real big difference between the two is when you drink large amounts of pomegranate all you get is a big dose of antioxidants, and when you drink large amounts of red wine you may end up with a hangover, unwanted pregnancy, photocopies of your buttocks at work, or all three.

Sounds healthy? Yes it is, but so is the price.

At $4 a bottle, it will be very hard to drink it daily like the Beanie Babies-type tag around the neck of the POM bottle suggests. I think it’s probably cheaper to get a health club membership, which will probably do you more good and get you that hourglass figure you’ve always wanted.

Item: POM Wonderful Mango Pomegranate
Purchase Price: $3.99
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Very healthy. Attractive bottle.
Cons: Doesn’t taste like mango. Very pricey.

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