Hi, everyone.  I’m Drew, and you’re reading The Impulsive Buy.  Well, the holiday season is almost here, and if you’re not an avid Delicious Dish listener like me, you may have missed this tidbit: frequent guest Pete Schweddy has sold his Season’s Eatings bakery to ice cream chain Ben & Jerry’s.  This is good news for consumers nationwide who have long dreamed of enjoying those famous balls, but were prevented by distance from doing so.  Thankfully B&J’s didn’t leave us hanging, developing a new flavor that Mr. Schweddy has repeatedly expressed a desire to dip his balls into.  And now it’s finally ready to be thrust upon the general public.
 
Even so, don’t think it was easy.  Schweddy Balls was released over a month ago, but it proved surprisingly hard to find.  I had to visit a lot of places, some less savory than others; but finally my persistence paid off and I was able to get my hands on Schweddy Balls.  Let’s give it a once-over, shall we?

The first thing that jumps out at you about Schweddy Balls is the color — very, very white, with just a few visible black spots that might concern you at first.  No worries though, as closer inspection reveals them to be malt balls and fudge-covered rum balls.  Yes, that’s right: B&J’s subscribes to the notion that if one ball is good, two are clearly better. The texture, as you’d expect, is quite different between the two varieties.  The rum ones, though lent some firmness by the fudge, are still fairly soft and squishy.  In contrast, the malt balls are quite hard and (be warned) make a loud noise when chewed.  No lie, my wife was actively annoyed by how loudly I was crunching my balls next to her.
 

Noise aside, both kinds of balls are pleasing to the tongue, the fudge and rum melding into a nice richness and the malt balls being… well, basically just regular malt balls.  They’re smaller than you might’ve expected, perhaps due to the cold.  In addition, they’re spread quite liberally throughout the mixture, so if you were worried about there not being enough balls to go around, think again.
 
The other thing you’ll notice right away about Schweddy Balls is the smell — if you put your nose right up there, you can really detect the rum fragrance.  Unfortunately, that also leads me to the biggest problem: the aroma is far stronger than the taste.  Perhaps in fear of overwhelming their audience, B&J’s made the hint of rum much less than a hint.  It’s barely detectable on its own, so you’re essentially just eating vanilla ice cream with balls in it.  Plentiful balls, to be sure, but not so much so that you’ll have one in every bite.  Probably half of your spoonfuls will just be vanilla ice cream; and while B&J’s know how to make a decent vanilla, it still could’ve benefited from a fudge swirl or something to keep things interesting.  You have to feel bad for Pete Schweddy, with the entire weight of the dish resting on his balls.
 
I’d be remiss if I didn’t briefly mention the durability of Schweddy Balls.  This may be a non-factor for most of you, but I purchased a carton on my lunch break, stored it in the work freezer, and then took a 40-minute car ride to a van rental place, a 10-minute wait, a 5-minute drive to a furniture store, 10 minutes of loading a table and chairs into the van, and a 5-minute drive to my house before it saw the inside of a freezer again.  Yet when I opened the carton the next day, there were no signs it had melted even a little.  Give them credit, those balls held up remarkably well.
 
I really wanted to give this flavor a higher score, because of both the salacious name and those panties-in-a-bunch parent groups protesting it being in stores while their kids are home viewing the original sketch on Hulu.  But while I’d love to tell you there’s no beating these balls, that’s just not true — they can be beaten, and beaten soundly, by many of B&J’s other flavors.  Weighted against average, everyday ice cream, this holds up pretty well.  But we’ve come to expect a lot more from those gentlemen from Vermont, and unfortunately their Schweddy Balls just don’t quite measure up.  It’s not terrible, but with the exception of the titular item, is just somewhat underwhelming.
 
Mmmm, balls!

(Nutrition Facts — 1/2 cup — 270 calories, 140 calories from fat, 15 grams of total fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 60 milligrams of cholesterol, 65 milligrams of sodium, 31 grams of total carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of dietary fiber, 26 grams of sugar, and 4 grams of protein.)

Other Ben & Jerry’s Schweddy Balls reviews:
Junk Food Guy
Foodette Reviews
On Second Scoop

Item: Ben & Jerry’s Schweddy Balls
Price: $3.39
Size: 1 pint
Purchased at: Wegman’s
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Obscure “The State” references FTW.  The longer you search for Schweddy Balls, the more satisfying it is when you find it.  Carton references the “racy double entendres” of the original skit.  Plenty of balls to go around.  Plaid logo = nice little touch.  Rum/fudge balls are succulent and rich.  I got paid money to make fifty ball jokes — deal with it.
Cons: Malt balls make loud, annoying sound when chewed.  Kind of bland when you don’t get a ball in your mouth.  Doesn’t 26 grams of sugar just mean they dumped an entire jar of sugar in the carton?  Missed opportunity for “Waffle Coneheads” and “Chocolate Chip in a Box” cross-promotions.  Rum scent more powerful than rum flavor.  Ball jokes stopped being funny after the first three.

Hey so guess what — I found the damn ice cream.

Irony is a bitch, amirite?  After literally weeks of searching for the latest Ben & Jerry’s flavor and eventually settling for Breyers Chips Ahoy! as a consolation prize, I finally located Fair Goodness Cake! before I’d even submitted that last review.  Yeah.  That’s like getting a friend request from the girl you had a crush on in high school two weeks after you’ve gotten married.

Except… often when that happens, you realize almost immediately that, old infatuation be damned, you absolutely ended up with the right person.  That happened to me — it’s crazy to think that if I’d actually had the stones to ask her out back in the day, I could right now be with a diehard Twilight and Justin Bieber fan who’s never heard of capital letters.  (Because: hi, we’re 31 years old.  The Biebs should not be on anyone’s radar who was born in the ’80s.)  So I approached Fair Goodness Sake! with anticipation, but just a little hesitance as well.

Juliet famously pondered what was in a name, to which Ben and Jerry’s response is clearly, “An opportunity for a double pun, duh.”  Fair Goodness Cake! isn’t the slickest of their ice cream names, but you’ve got to respect the sheer ambition of referencing both the fair trade nature of the ingredients and the flavor itself in the title.  I’d been looking forward to this one for a while because, beyond the fact that B&J rarely steer me wrong, I was curious to see if I could taste the difference between standard chocolate ice cream versus “German chocolate cake” ice cream.

In answer to that question: yes, although it’s subtle.  I’d say the chocolate is probably a little darker and richer than what you’d consider “ordinary” chocolate, both in appearance and flavor.  Texture wise, while there are some crumbled cake bits in it, they’re pretty unobtrusive and blend well into the smoothness of the ice cream.  If anything, they could’ve added a little more German chocolate cake without anyone complaining, I’m guessing.  FGS! also contains coconut, which I personally can take or leave.  To me it’s like the kid sidekick of the ice cream world — I’m not going to complain if it’s there, but if it happens to get accidentally left out, or blown up or beaten to death with a crowbar, I’m kind of okay with that.  Anyone who got that reference, collect five nerd points and give yourself a wedgie immediately.

But I know that many of you, like my wife, are avowed coconut lovers, and rest assured that Ben & Jerry have not forsaken thee.  Fair Goodness Cake! boasts a strong, distinctive coconut presence that can’t be ignored.  Arguably a little too much so — the container boasts of a coconut caramel swirl, but the caramel is almost an afterthought, disappearing quicker than a bartender’s attention when you sit down and order a water (or so I’m told by people who order water in bars).  In all seriousness, the caramel is there, but very subtle and definitely overpowered by its bigger, more prominent cousin.  Damn your diva-esque ways, coconut!

Despite what the name might lead you to believe, there’s nothing especially esoteric about Fair Goodness Cake! ice cream.  It’s not some incredibly niche flavor that like three people will appreciate; it’s just solid, non-flashy ice cream.  Nothing wrong with that (other than the price… five dollars?!), and while I might’ve desired more parity between the coconut and the caramel elements, overall it’s still tasty stuff.  Coconut lovers can probably add an extra point to that score, but for everyone else: don’t hesitate to pick some up if you see it, but I wouldn’t drive more than a mile out of your way to get some either.  Although it is a limited batch, so if you DO decide to partake, don’t wait too long — he who hesitates does not eat cake.

(Nutrition Facts — 1/2 cup — 260 calories, 120 calories from fat, 13 grams of total fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 35 milligrams of cholesterol, 65 milligrams of sodium, 33 grams of total carbohydrates, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 27 grams of sugars, 4 grams of protein.)

Other Ben & Jerry’s Fair Goodness Cake! reviews:
On Second Scoop

Item: Ben & Jerry’s Fair Goodness Cake!
Price: $4.99
Size: One pint
Purchased at: Acme
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Finally finding the damn stuff.  Further confirmation that you married the right person (not that any was needed).  Cake chunks that enhance the rich chocolate.  Nice texture.  Double puns.  Doesn’t spare the coconut, if that’s your thing.
Cons: Does EVERY new frozen dessert have to have an exclamation mark in its name?  Kid sidekicks.  Remembering you never would’ve stood a chance with the girl you’re making jokes about.  Who hid the caramel?  $5 is pretty ridiculous for a pint of ice cream.

Confession time: I was once a fan of a jam band. It’s not the sort of thing one admits to easily, but I feel like we’ve built up a level of trust. For years I resisted efforts by friends to convert me to the jam band mentality. In college my roommates would eagerly put on Phish’s “Meatstick,” and I’d shake my head while leaving for class and still be rolling my eyes an hour later when I returned in time to hear the final notes. What was the appeal of long, rambling songs that were the musical equivalent of Grampa Simpson telling a story? But in late 2001, I got dragged along to see O.A.R. play at a local club, and I… just… connected. It was a perfect storm of the general contentment and malaise that sets in midway through senior year, meeting laid-back songs about drinking, hanging out with friends, and crazy games of poker.

And with that, I was hooked. I went to a half-dozen O.A.R. concerts, successfully converted friends and family, watched them on Letterman… and for a brief period of time, I longed to attend Bonnaroo. Never very seriously — I think even then I realized only liking one band was not a good basis for attending a three-day musical event. But still, it remains the one festival I’ve ever really given any serious thought to, and my ears perk up whenever I hear it mentioned. Enter: Ben and Jerry and their latest hippie offering. Not to get stereotyped as the ice cream guy, but today we’re looking at Bonnaroo Buzz, yet another Fair Trade-certified flavor from everyone’s favorite not-necessarily-gay duo from Vermont.

For starters, please don’t ask me to explain how the flavor has any connection with Bonnaroo whatsoever — it’s coffee and malt ice cream with whiskey caramel swirls and English toffee pieces mixed in. Seems like a more appropriate title might be “Flavo(u)rs of the British Isles,” or perhaps “Feck th’ English (Though Their Toffee’s Not Bad),” but I guess that would be a hard sell to your more conservative grocery stores. It still doesn’t make a lot of sense to me, though, because while I’m certain many of the attendees at any given Bonnaroo are indeed buzzed, I think that’s an entirely different buzz from the kind one gets from coffee. I like imagining Ben and Jerry trying to explain it to consumers: “Naw man, we wanted to put the good stuff in, but ‘the Man’ wouldn’t let us. It’s cool though, just talk to Steve, he’ll hook you up. In the meantime we just put in whiskey, and coffee, and toffee, ’cause that totally rhymes, man! Whoa… did you ever really look at the back of your hand?” Then it’s just twenty minutes of giggling.

Bonnaroo Buzz has the misfortune of having to follow up on me reviewing two good-to-very-good Ben & Jerry’s flavors, and unfortunately it doesn’t quite measure up. Coffee ice cream fans may want to bump that score up by a point or two, but it just doesn’t hit exactly the right balance, with not enough caramel flavor spread throughout. Or rather, the smoothness of the caramel is able to briefly balance out the coffee bitterness, but it fades quickly while the bitterness lingers, which is not ideal. The toffee tastes good, crunchy but not teeth-shatteringly hard, although there were two massive chunks that really needed to be broken up into smaller pieces; not sure if that’s standard or if I just got an “off” carton. Still, I can’t say that the toffee flavor ever blended seamlessly with the ice cream so much as being two decent but distinct tastes. And I don’t know about you, but when I see the word “whiskey” on any product, I expect to be drunk after I’ve consumed a quarter of it, so strike three, Bonnaroo Buzz.

In general terms there’s a limit to how “bad” Ben and Jerry’s ice cream can really be — you’d still take it if it was offered to you — but compared to many of its forebears and peers, Bonnaroo Buzz isn’t in the same class. For O.A.R. fans, it’s like when they start playing “Delicate Few”… you kind of look forward to it, but then when you hear it you remember it’s not really one of your favorites and it’s probably time for a pee break. But, hell — every song is someone’s favorite, so if coffee ice cream is your thing, give it a shot. The rest of us will be in line for the bathroom.

(Nutrition Facts — 1/2 cup — 280 calories, 130 calories from fat, 14 grams of total fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 60 milligrams of cholesterol, 115 milligrams of sodium, 33 grams of total carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 25 grams of sugars, 4 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A, 0% vitamin C, 10% calcium, and 0% iron)

Item: Ben & Jerry’s Bonnaroo Buzz
Price: $4.79
Size: 1 pint
Purchased at: Acme
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: “Hey Girl” live. Senior year malaise. Getting your British on. Smooth caramel. Solid but not adamantine toffee. Ice cream that could conceivably get you drunk.
Cons: “Meatstick.” Getting stereotyped as the ice cream reviewer. Names that don’t make sense. Lingering coffee bitterness. Toffee boulders. Ice cream that doesn’t actually get you drunk.

Ah, spring — that magical time of year when a young man’s fancy turns to thoughts of ice cream.  And love, I guess, but my wife just gave birth a couple of months ago after a difficult pregnancy, so I’ve been strongly advised to just stick with the ice cream.  Fair enough.

As they’re wont to do, Ben & Jerry have put down their bong and unleashed some new flavors on us.  This time it’s with a valuable social message, encouraging everyone to volunteer in their communities, complete with a website link on the carton to find volunteering opportunities near you.  But not so fast, Walmart shoppers… these are Target exclusive.  Each carton even includes a “Together for Volunteerism” sticker with one of B&J’s cows (also known as “a cow”) posing next to the Target dog, which always looks to me like Spuds MacKenzie passed out and his friends drew a bullseye on his face.  (If you’re too young to know who Spuds MacKenzie is, I hate you.)  Said exclusivity wasn’t any problem for me, but if you live in a Footloose-esque rural community too small or remote to play host to a Tar-jay, you’re out of luck.  Please accept my sympathy, as I try to recall which of the three nearby Targets I bought these from.

Speaking of which, apparently by purchasing this ice cream I’m reaping the benefits of Fair Trade Certified cocoa and coffee.  I’m not at all politically minded and lack the time to watch The Daily Show anymore, so I’m not sure if that means I’m tacitly supporting equitable trade practices.  From what I know of Ben and Jerry, presumably it’s some hippie thing, but as long as I don’t have to give up meat or start wearing Birkenstocks, I’m fine with it.  Of course, the other thing Ben and Jerry are known for is inserting puns into their ice cream names, and these are no exception.  Volun-Tiramisu is almost a little TOO on the nose, but it works.  On the other hand, “Peanut Butter World” confuses me.  After some thought, I decided maybe the implication is that volunteerism will lead to a better world, and “butter” sounds kind of like “better,” so… yeah?  If that’s the case, I have to say they’re really reaching.  Of course, it’s possible all of you got it immediately and can’t imagine how it wasn’t obvious to me from the beginning.  Like how I didn’t realize those “Every kiss begins with Kay” commercials are making a pun about the actual letter “k” until I heard it on a radio show’s “things you just figured out” segment.  It’s embarrassing to find yourself in the same company as people who only just realized why it’s called a QWERTY keyboard.

I was slightly leery of the Peanut Butter World before digging in because peanut butter and I have an understanding: if it brings its friend chocolate, they’re both welcome in my mouth, but I’ve never been willing to buy seats for PB’s solo act.  Turns out I needn’t have worried, as this flavor is composed of really creamy, decadent chocolate with peanut butter swirls in it, along with some chocolate cookie bits.  It’s kind of like eating a cold, liquidy Reese’s peanut butter cup that someone has coated with crumbled Oreos, only way more rich than any Reese’s could ever be.  It is also insanely unhealthy — after a half dozen spoonfuls, I felt suddenly motivated to name my heirs and divvy up my worldly possessions — but that’s the price you pay for supporting a good cause.  At least that’s what I’m telling myself, and you should too.  In any event, it’s worth it, because this is some seriously good ice cream.  There’s just enough peanut butter to remind you it’s there without being overpowering, while the chocolate is definitely dominant.

If I was nervous about the Peanut Butter World, I had no idea what to expect from the Volun-Tiramisu.  Tiramisu is such a unique flavor, and I’ve never been the world’s biggest coffee drinker.  But like the peanut butter above, the coffee was noticeable but subdued, enough to make you aware of its presence without taking over.  And I wouldn’t have been able to spell “mascarpone” before buying this ice cream, let alone tell you what it tasted like, but it turns out it’s good, very light and lingering in contrast to the heaviness of the Peanut Butter World.  The carton also proclaims that it has a cocoa dusting, but I wasn’t able to detect any traces of it.  I also don’t think there’s any actual rum in it, although since I was drinking a beer at the same time, I can’t be sure of that.  However, while it was definitely good, a little went a long way.  I’d had my fill after a few spoonfuls, whereas if it weren’t for self-control and shame, I could have easily polished off a pint of Peanut Butter World in one sitting.  That might actually be a plus for Volun-Tiramisu in the sense of aiding your portion control, since while it’s not as bad for you as its partner, it’s not exactly making you thinner with every bite either.

All in all I was pleased with Ben & Jerry’s latest, exclusive offerings.  They’re both tasty, I’m pretty sure Target is slightly less evil than some of the other big box stores, and of course I’m all for encouraging volunteerism.  In a way, anyone who reads this review and decides to buy a pint is supporting volunteerism because of something I did, so hey — you’re welcome, B&J.  I’ll expect the check in the mail.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 cup – Peanut Butter World – 330 calories, 22 grams of total fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 35 milligrams of cholesterol, 140 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of total carbohydrates, 21 grams of sugar, 7 grams of protein. Volun-Tiramisu – 230 calories, 12 grams of total fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 65 milligrams of cholesterol, 60 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of total carbohydrates, 23 grams of sugar, 4 grams of protein.)

Other Ben & Jerry’s Peanut Butter World and Ben & Jerry’s Volun-Tiramisu reviews:
On Second Scoop – Volun-Tiramisu & Peanut Butter World

Item: Ben & Jerry’s Peanut Butter World and Ben & Jerry’s Volun-Tiramisu
Price: $3.49 each
Size: 1 pint
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 9 out of 10 (Peanut Butter World)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Volun-Tiramisu)
Pros: Saving the world, one fat ass at a time.  Mascot synergy.  Your peanut butter in my chocolate.  Mascarpone.  Heavy chocolate, light tiramisu.  Ice cream that portion controls itself.  Pimping volunteerism.
Cons: Inscrutable puns.  Carton makes me feel guilty for not volunteering lately.  Failing to comprehend simple ad campaigns.  Need to be doing strenuous volunteer work to burn off all the calories.  Possibly bankrolling Trump 2012.