REVIEW: Uber Bubble Stride Gum

/ / Reviews / 20 Comments

I was once left with a case of blue balls because a woman said to me on my college dorm room bed that French kissing me is like French kissing a dog because my tongue just hangs out of my mouth and there’s drool everywhere.

While I did come back with the line, “Well, how would you know what it’s like to French kiss a dog, Ms. Bestiality,” which caused her to storm out of my dorm room and making the blue scrunchy signal for my roommate on the outside door knob meaningless, it did make me wonder if my inability to properly stick my tongue in a woman’s mouth is the reason why I lack the tongue dexterity to spread out a large enough surface area to create a bubble with a piece of chewing gum. Well, it looks like it’s time to test my tongue dysfunction with the Uber Bubble Stride Gum.

Like frat boys who brag about having the sexual prowess of porn stars, Stride Gum proudly claims that it’s extremely long lasting. Unfortunately, one person’s idea of “long lasting” may not equal to another person’s idea of “long lasting.” For example, the frat boy may think three minutes of pleasure is perfect, but the unsatisfied co-ed beneath him probably isn’t happy about the quickie that lasted the same amount of time it takes for her to brush her teeth.

As for the Stride Gum, it took about 20 minutes or so before it lost all flavor and I had the urge to spit it out. While that’s enough time to satisfy a co-ed and then cuddle with her, I like the flavor of the gum I chew to last a little longer than that. In other words, a little more uber.

The Uber Bubble Stride Gum’s initial flavor tasted like, I’m not kidding, the wood of a number two pencil, but after a few seconds it disappears and is replaced with a mellow bubble gum flavor. It’s not as strong as Bazooka Gum, but it’s much better and longer lasting than a piece of gum that came out of a 25-cent machine or a 1986 Topps Baseball wax pack. However, its flavor was nowhere near uber.

While my taste buds don’t think it has an uber bubble gum flavor or is uber lasting, I was hoping I could at least make uber bubbles with a piece (or four) of the Stride Gum, but I was unable to make any bigger than an inch in diameter. I think I was unable to do it because the gum wasn’t soft enough, like Hubba Bubba and Bubblicious, to create a good bubble. And because my dysfunctional tongue still doesn’t have enough dexterity, despite all the French kissing practice I’ve done with my fist.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 piece – less than 5 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 1 gram of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar, 1 gram of sugar alcohol and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Uber Bubble Stride Gum
Price: $1.12
Size: 14 pieces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Mellow bubble gum flavor. Flavor lasts a decent amount of time, but uberer would be better. Better than the gum from a 1986 Topps Baseball wax pack. Sugarfree.
Cons: Can’t make bubbles with one piece. Bubble gum flavor was nowhere near uber. Initial flavor was like a number two pencil. Three minute men. My inability to blow uber bubble gum bubbles. Blue balls.

REVIEW: Ritz Crackerfuls (Classic Cheddar and Four Cheese)

/ / Reviews / 21 Comments

With a name like Ritz, shouldn’t Ritz Crackers be fancier than they truly are?

Maybe they’re extremely high-class, but I have yet to see a monocle or top hat-wearing old man eating them and getting crumbs stuck in his white beard while discussing the African safari he went on to hunt the ultimate game — humans. Although I have to admit I’ve never been invited to galas that have The Most Interesting Man in the World who only drinks Dos Equis on the guest list or parties that don’t use red plastic cups to hold beverages.

If Ritz Crackers are fancy, Nabisco is attempting to make them a little more ritzier with their Ritz Crackerfuls, which come in two flavors: Four Cheese and Classic Cheddar. They’re basically elegant Ritz Cracker sandwiches with classy canned spray cheese in the middle. According to its box, each individually wrapped cracker sandwich is made with real cheese and five grams of whole grain.

The Ritz Crackers that Chinese fingercuff the cheese filling had that familiar buttery Ritz taste. The Four Cheese one had the sharper flavor of the two and on my ritzy scale of 1-10, with 10 being fine diamonds and 1 being shards of a broken glass window, the Four Cheese Crackerfuls was probably a 5 rating or a plastic silver ring with a clear plastic gem won from accumulating 25 prize tickets at an arcade. As for the Classic Cheddar, it tasted like a Kraft Handi-Snack and on my ritzy scale it was a 4 rating or a plastic neon colored ring with a clear plastic gem that comes delivered in a plastic egg from a 25 cent machine outside of a grocery store.

While I felt both weren’t very fancy, I also thought they weren’t bad. The combination of the buttery Ritz crackers and the soft cheese paste was pleasant, but I think one would get more flavor by purchasing some fancy cheese that doesn’t come in individually wrapped slices and putting it on top of a Ritz cracker. Although I believe that would degrade the cheese.

Something I really didn’t enjoy about the Crackerfuls was the long Ritz Cracker, which was extremely fragile. Because they were even more delicate than normal round Ritz Crackers, I was forced to use a plate since I lack the white beard to catch the crumbs.

Another thing I didn’t like about the Ritz Crackerfuls was its name. Now I don’t have an English degree…

Oh wait. I do.

So it’s all right for me to say I found its name to be confusing because it’s not filled with crackers, it’s filled with cheese. So shouldn’t it be named Cheesefuls?

Now if two layers of cheese were Chinese fingercuffing a Ritz Cracker then it would be Crackerfuls. But it still wouldn’t be very fancy.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 package – Classic Cheddar – 130 calories, 7 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 2.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 230 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 6% calcium and 4% iron. Four Cheese – 130 calories, 7 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 2.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 220 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 6% calcium and 4% iron.)

Item: Ritz Crackerfuls (Classic Cheddar and Four Cheese)
Price: $3.18 each
Size: 6 pack
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Classic Cheddar)
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Four Cheese)
Pros: Pleasant tasting. Buttery Ritz Crackers. Four Cheese flavor had a nice sharp flavor. Simply Cheddar tasted like a Kraft Handi-Snack, which I do enjoy. Contains mono- and poly unsaturated fats. Hunting humans.
Cons: Cheese looked like something that came out of a can. Long Ritz Crackers were extremely fragile. Crumbs. Would be tastier to buy Ritz Crackers and put your own cheese on it. Not very ritzy. Name doesn’t seem right. Being hunted by humans.

REVIEW: M&M’s Premiums Raspberry Almond

/ / Reviews / 21 Comments

Chocolate is one of those things that people either gorge on or enjoy a little piece once in awhile. I fall into the latter. I have friends who obsess over chocolate. Of course, they are all female, because as marketing dictates to us, chocolate is generally for women (with the exception of Yorkie in the UK which prides itself on being NOT for girls). Names like Bliss and Fling (which, by the way, has a site pumps out more estrogen than The View and they call their chocolate “fingers” — use your imagination) allude to the sexy, flirty nature that apparently my fellow sisters act like under the influence of chocolate (and sometimes appletinis). The folks at M&M’s/Mars have jumped on the bandwagon with their new line of “premium” chocolate.

I love chocolate and raspberry. It’s probably my favorite classic combination, besides steak and potatoes; dingoes and babies; and NASCAR and drunk rednecks shameless corporate sponsorships. However, I don’t like just any chocolate uniting with raspberry. It should be just dark chocolate, but unfortunately the M&M’s Premiums Raspberry Almond says that there’s raspberry flavored white chocolate and SOME dark chocolatey goodness in it (their website also tells you to enjoy them while you have your afternoon pedicure, because you know we all get those every day),

The M&M’s Premiums Raspberry Almond have a really cool metallic shell that’s eye catching if you’re the type of person who puts candy out in crystal bowls for your lovely guests, but I think that might be the only premium thing about them. The chocolate is good (if you like white chocolate and a light dark chocolate taste), but I can’t really call it premium. The size of the individual pieces aren’t even larger than the standard M&M’s with Almonds (which are getting harder and harder to find), but I guess that’s the folks at M&M’s/Mars saying, “You gals need to keep your figures slim.”

When opening the box, and the little baggie they come in, you get a huge whiff of artificial raspberry goodness, but when popped into the mouth, the raspberry flavor wears off rather quickly. It’s similar to the Fruit Stripe Gum conundrum; where you’re excited by the smell and you get that burst of flavor, but then it vanishes, like 80% of the people who were on American Idol. For the price, there’s a heck of a lot more choices to satisfy a chocolate craving, including great European chocolates from Lindt (those truffle balls are bangin’) and Toblerone, both of which are in the same price range as the M&M’s Premiums.

And a note to all chocolate manufactures: Just because it’s pink and has a cute name or package, we are not going to buy it. We will buy chocolate purely on the idea that it is chocolate.

(Nutrition Facts – 1.5 oz (about ¼ cup) – 240 calories, 17 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 25 milligrams of sodium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 15 grams of sugar, 4 grams of protein, 6% calcium and 6% iron.)

Item: M&M’s Premiums Raspberry Almond
Price: $4.99
Size: 6 ounce
Purchased at: CVS
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Aesthetically pleasing for fancy candy dishes. Nice raspberry scent. Being able to get away with innuendo in marketing. Fresh almonds.
Cons: Way too expensive for what you get. Flavor isn’t that strong. Overuse of the word premium. No green ones to make you horny.

REVIEW: One A Day VitaCraves Gummies

/ / Reviews / 27 Comments

These new One A Day VitaCraves Gummies come in fruit shapes, but I prefer my gummy multivitamins to come in bear form, so that I can tear them apart limb by limb and say, “That’s what you get for stealing my pic-a-nic basket” or “That’s what you get for scaring me and making me cry with your audio-animatronic versions when I watched the Country Bear Jamboree at Disneyland in 1984.”

On a daily basis I eat gummy bear multivitamins to get the vitamins and minerals I can’t get from a bag of Lays Sour Cream and Onion potato chips, a glazed doughnut and a Diet Pepsi Super Big Gulp because, I’ll admit, I have a hard time swallowing pills, even with a Diet Pepsi Super Big Gulp to help wash it down. But the gummy multivitamins I consume are meant for children and come in six great flavors. The One A Day VitaCraves are meant for adults and it only has three flavors: orange, cherry and some kind of blueberry/raspberry hybrid.

You might wondering if there are any other differences between the children’s gummy multivitamins and the VitaCraves. The VitaCraves are definitely more potent than their gummy bear counterparts, providing almost always twice the amount of vitamins and minerals, but the gummy bear multivitamins taste like normal gummy bears, while the VitaCraves have a slight bitterness to them, like regular vitamins.

Also, while the gummy bear multivitamins are really soft like a Trolli Gummi Bear, the VitaCraves are quite tough like Haribo Gummi Bears or the skin of someone who stays out in the sun for too long on a regular basis. But if you’re someone who has a hard time swallowing pills it’s still a decent choice.

While two One A Day VitaCraves Gummies provide me with 100% or more of my daily recommended intake of many vitamins and minerals, I think I’ll stick with my children’s gummy bear multivitamins because they taste better, are soft to chew and I can decapitate them with my teeth to get even with Teddy Ruxpin for ruining my cassette tape copy of “Sports” by Huey Lewis and the News.

(Supplement Facts – 2 gummies – 10 calories, 3 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of sugar, 80% vitamin A, 100% vitamin C, 100% vitamin D, 133% vitamin E, 100% vitamin B6, 100% folic acid, 167% vitamin B12, 50% biotin, 100% pantothenic acid, 53% iodine, 33% zinc, 60 micrograms of choline and 40 micrograms of inositol.)

Item: One A Day VitaCraves Gummies
Price: $7.83
Size: 50 gummies
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Two gummies provide 100% or more of my daily recommended intake of many vitamins and minerals. Made for adults. Great for those who have trouble swallowing multivitamin pills. Decapitating gummy bears. “Sports” by Huey Lewis and the News.
Cons: Expensive for just 50 gummies, even though I bought it from Walmart. Not in bear form. Tough to chew. Slight bitterness. Only three flavors. Audio-animatronic bears.

REVIEW: Birds Eye Steamfresh Sweet & Spicy Chicken Meals for Two

/ / Reviews / 26 Comments

Like most children, I was picky when it came to food. I would bitch and moan if I found one tiny pea in my mother’s homemade beef stew, I would demand my sandwiches be cut in quarters and I would only eat raw vegetables. That selectiveness faded when I became a college student. My food qualifications have gone down significantly.

Don’t get me wrong, I still like to eat healthy, but if it’s a toss up between partying, books and gourmet food, I’m going to choose $2 You-Call-Its at the local sleazy establishment that always has some weird Willie Nelson look-alike in the back nursing Old Milwaukee over spending time preparing venison filets with a raspberry reduction.

Actually, I wouldn’t even know where to start when it comes to whipping up a meal, since my culinary expertise goes from grilling chicken breasts and steaks on my George Foreman grill to putting the right amount of water when making Easy Mac. However, learning how to cook is on my list of things I would like to accomplish. It’s pretty high up on the list since it is more useful than playing the didgeridoo.

Birds Eye Steamfresh Meals for Two masks somebody’s lack of cooking skills (all you do is toss it in the microwave for 10 minutes and open it up) when you need to impress the person you’ve been dating, because your Chemistry.com profile is built upon lies.

“Why, yes, I am Egyptian royalty, and I’m wonderful in the kitchen…and the bedroom…*meow*”

But if you do serve this meal as apart of a romantic dinner that includes box wine, paper plates, and suppressed memories about that summer you spent with your crazy uncle who bragged about being a roadie for Whitesnake, don’t be surprised by the confusing stares your date will be giving the plate because of the random ingredients tossed in there. It’s like whatever extra was around in the food lab was thrown in. Tomatoes and onions? Sure, they go with chicken and pasta. Olives? Some people like them, others don’t. Raisins? Did you say raisins? Well, they’re in there as well.

Maybe I’m stereotyping things, but when I hear Sweet & Spicy, Asian-inspired meals from a mall food court come to mind. But there’s nothing Asian about this dish. There’s a heck of a lot more spice (a.k.a red pepper) than sweet, which I enjoyed. I can’t really define an exact flavor for it, but it did remind me of something I had on an international flight once. (Airline Gourmet maybe?)

The rigatoni was perfectly al dente, the chicken was plentiful and there were a lot of raisins, which I guess could be the “sweet” part, but they really didn’t add much flavor. Instead they added a “What the hell is this? Oh, it’s a raisin” element, because the raisins became shriveled up brown things at the bottom of the bowl (even when tossed around). The serving size is just about right when you feel like you could eat, but if you haven’t had anything in your stomach all day except a packet of old peanut butter crackers you found in your desk, then you can easily eat both portions, pretend the meal never existed and order take-out when your date comes over.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 bag – 370 calories, 10 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 35 milligrams of cholesterol, 930 milligrams of sodium, 53 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 18 grams of sugar, 20 grams of protein, 15% vitamin A, 2% vitamin C, 6% calcium and 20% iron.)

Item: Birds Eye Steamfresh Sweet & Spicy Chicken Meals for Two
Price: $6.75
Size: 24 ounces
Purchased at: Market Basket
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Super easy to make. Pretending you know how to cook. Pretty healthy if you stick to the portion size. High in protein. The didgeridoo. Finding snacks that you didn’t know you had.
Cons: Random ingredients. Slightly misleading product name. Creepy old dudes at college bars. Waiting 10 minutes. Lots of sodium.

Scroll to Top