There will come a time, likely at the beginning of next month if history is any indicator, where many of us in the junk food community — myself included — will find ourselves standing in front of a bathroom mirror, or on an unforgiving bathroom scale, lamenting the devious being who invented Chex Party Mix, puppy chow, and those delightfully sinful temptations that haunt my dreams, Oreo balls. We will pledge to right the ship in the new year by eschewing things that weren’t grown in dirt or on trees, by taking walks over our lunch breaks, and by avoiding sugar like it’s the door handle of a grade school bathroom.
We know how to eat healthy, sure. The problem is eating healthy isn’t always delicious, and as human people, we like to eat delicious things. Kellogg’s is trying to up its share of the health food market by cramming its beloved breakfast pastries with extra protein. Okay, so “cramming” is doing a lot of heavy lifting here. And make no mistake, despite the increased amount of protein, these are still far from healthy food.
I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a pretty harsh Pop-Tart critic. Over the last several years, Pop-Tarts, as much if not more so than any other food, seemed to have suffered from shrinkflation. With each passing package, they seem to lose frosting coverage, and, much like my joy while consuming, the filling has diminished. I just can’t justify the sugar and the calories when I get so little happiness in return. The new extra protein version, however, was a markedly different experience.
Each pastry was covered in frosting, with only the barest edge of crust untouched. There seemed to be more filling than I’ve grown accustomed to, too. I had Protein Boostin’ Brown Sugar Cinnamon (Brown Sugar Cinnamon being the best all-time regular Pop-Tart, of course), and each bite was full of that familiar cinnamon-y goodness. (These also come in Bumpin’ Blueberry and Slammin’ Strawberry, because, in the name of health, food must be bumped, slammed, and/or boosted, obviously.)
The only difference I could notice from a regular Pop-Tart was the texture; these were chewier than usual, but not to the point of distraction. What I mean is, if you haven’t had a normal Pop-Tart in several years, the textural difference probably won’t even be noticeable.
I enjoyed the box I bought enough to want to try the other varieties. I’d be surprised if they remain on shelves, though. People looking for gainz won’t find many here — 10 grams for two tarts from milk protein concentrate and wheat protein, isn’t exactly incredible, and only double the original, plus you’re ingesting 31 grams of sugar along the way — and the regular Pop-Tart consumer probably won’t be bothered to spend an extra buck.
Purchased Price: $3.48
Size: 14.3 oz box/8 pastries
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (2 Pop-Tarts) 400 calories, 11 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 290 milligrams of sodium, 67 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 31 grams of sugar, and 10 grams of protein.
