Why am I, a life insurance premium-paying, retirement-planning, high blood pressure medication-taking, Raisin Bran-eating adult, reviewing these Lunchables PB&J Sandwiches marketed towards the single-digit-aged crowd?

Despite my age, I’m still a lover of the simple peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and throughout my lifetime, I have probably eaten the weight of an entire elementary grade level of them. So I wanted to know if Lunchables’ newest endeavor is a PB&J product I could appreciate.

Of course, we can’t go on without bringing up the 800-pound uncrusted gorilla in the room, Smuckers Uncrustables, which these Lunchables compete against in the cutthroat world of children’s meals.

There are several significant differences between the two. One, these Lunchables don’t need to thaw because they aren’t stored in the freezer. Two, unlike Uncrustables, which have the peanut butter AND jelly in the sandwich, these feature the jelly on the side as a dip. Three, Smuckers Uncrustables are much better tasting.

What hurts these sealed sans-crust sandwiches the most is the filling. While PB should’ve stood for Peanut Butter, the acronym here really stands for Pretty Bland. The peanutty interior lacks an enjoyable sweetness, saltiness, and nutty satisfaction. It’s hard to say anything positive about it when it’s as flavorful as the soft bread surrounding it.

Thankfully, the strawberry and grape jellies added flavor to this boring party. However, it’s frustrating that they are dips instead of being inside the bread because it was a pain trying to ration the jelly so that I wouldn’t have to experience more bland bites of bread and peanut butter. Despite the fruity concoctions being sticky, dipping the sandwiches into them doesn’t apply a satisfying amount to the exterior. I understand Lunchables probably didn’t want to stuff the jelly into them because it would deviate from the brand’s ethos of allowing kids to “construct” their meals, but it’s a bit of a pain. I had to resort to scooping it out with the sandwich itself, which led to using too much and having to put some back so that I didn’t have to experience the dreaded jelly-less bites later on.

These Lunchables PB&J Sandwiches are disappointing, and I can’t recommend them over Uncrustables or even something homemade. I realize that I’m a tax-paying, colonoscopy age-nearing, ethos-using adult and that someone closer in their life to wetting their bed than getting their first paycheck might say they enjoy these much more than I do, and that I’m a poo-poo head who has cooties. So perhaps take my words with a grain of salt that this sandwich’s peanut butter really needs.

Purchased Price: $2.39* each
Size: 2.27 oz
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 4 out of 10 (both)
Nutrition Facts: Strawberry – 180 calories, 8 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 250 milligrams of sodium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 5 grams of sugar (including 5 grams of added sugar), and 6 grams of protein. Grape – 190 calories, 8 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 250 milligrams of sodium, 24 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 8 grams of sugar (including 6 grams of added sugar), and 6 grams of protein.

*Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, things are a bit pricier here. You’ll probably pay less than I did.