Dunkin’ ain’t messing around this Halloween. It *knows* that this time of year, you have to go big or go home. We’re at a point where excessive isn’t excessive enough anymore. Pretty much anybody can walk into an executive board room meeting at any major restaurant chain in America, describe the most outlandish and preposterous menu item imaginable and there’s at least a 50/50 chance they’ll actually mass release it.

In fact, I’m pretty sure that’s how the Candy Bar Signature Latte came into existence.

The gimmick of the latte is pretty obvious. When it says “candy bar,” it MEANS it. You’ve got the requisite whipped topping, and atop that, you’ve got a purée of all kinds of name-brand candies I don’t think Dunkin’ is legally allowed to mention in its advertising materials. But as soon as you taste it, you know what you’re chomping into. It’s pretty much an edible Where’s Waldo painting of various ice cream toppings — M&Ms (or “multi-color chocolate candies,” if you’re trying to avert a lawsuit), bits of pretzel, some little toffee chunks and pulped chips of what I’m pretty sure are supposed to be bite-size Heath bars. Basically, if you turned a trick-or-treat bag upside down and dumped it into a cup of hot cocoa, it would look a lot like this latte from Dunkin.’

Now, there are two varieties of Candy Bar Signature Latte. The iced version is obviously the more Instagrammable version. But I went with the standard hot latte iteration … which was a mistake on my part.

It’s thermodynamics 101. If you put something really cold on top of something really hot, it’s only a matter of time until one of ‘em gives. By the time I pulled out of the Dunkin’ drive-thru lane and made it back to my place, that beautiful, Willy Wonka-like tapestry had melted into a puddle resembling the atmosphere of Jupiter, complete with melted chocolate husks and soggy, shriveled pretzel pieces bobbing up and down like condemned souls in the river Styx. I used the Where’s Waldo reference earlier — give it about three minutes and you’ll have your own Hieronymus Bosch painting in the same cup.

So yeah, word to the wise — definitely go with the iced latte version here.

Ultimately, it’s not a bad beverage, just sort of a surprisingly muted one. With all of the ingredients in the cup, you’d think it would have a really distinct taste, but the hot chocolate flavor kinda dominates everything else. So it’s more like a slightly souped-up hot chocolate with pieces of toffee you get to occasionally chew on. That might be some people’s idea of a good time, but yeah, it’s not for me.

This is another example of fast food aesthetics over fast food quality. It looks cool and the novelty is appealing, but as something you actually consume, it’s surprisingly mundane. How a beverage with THIS much stuff in it tastes so much like an ordinary, run of the mill mocha latte is almost inspiring; but I guess no matter how much whipped cream and M&M’s you put on top of something, a Dunkin’ latte is still just a Dunkin’ latte.

Purchased Price: $5.99
Size: Large
Rating: 5 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 560 calories, 18 grams of total fat, 12 grams of saturated fat, 55 milligrams of cholesterol, 310 milligrams of sodium, 83 grams of total carbohydrates, 75 grams of sugars, 16 grams of protein.