I don’t know if what I see on television is true in real life, but it seems like whenever a female character gets dumped by her boyfriend, the following scene is of her eating ice cream straight from the pint container. Because of this, whenever I’ve been dumped by a woman (and you know who you are), I usually slam down a pint of ice cream, which makes me feel good while I’m eating it, but will later pay for it later in the form of five pounds added to my gut.

The problem with eating ice cream straight from the container is that it’s hard to stop while thinking about all the wonderful times I spent with my former significant other while watching reruns of Law & Order. Before I knew it and before Briscoe was able to get a search warrant, I finished the entire pint. Thankfully, the Dreyer’s Slow Churned Snack Size Cups will help curb the gluttony.

Instead of a pint of ice cream, each snack size cup only contains six ounces. But it’s not six ounces of regular Dreyer’s ice cream, it’s six ounces of their Slow Churned ice cream which has half the fat of their regular stuff. It comes only in three flavors: Mint Chocolate Chip, Chocolate and Vanilla Bean.

A container of the Vanilla Bean has 150 calories, 5 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 17 grams of sugar and 4 grams of protein. The Chocolate contains 170 calories, 6 grams of fat, 4 grams of saturated fat, 20 grams of sugar and 5 grams of protein. The Mint Chocolate Chip has 210 calories, 8 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 21 grams of sugar and 5 grams of protein.

Some of the things I think about when it comes to delicious pizza are how unhealthy they are, how greasy they are and what my face looked like when I was 13 years old, but health nutty companies like Kashi and Amy’s are making pizzas a little bit healthier by not topping theirs with meat products. That’s great, but the new Kashi Sicilian Veggie Pizza has gotten me worried because it doesn’t have cheese.

The Sicilian Veggie is a stone fired pizza covered with caramelized onions, grilled eggplant, fire roasted red peppers on top of a balsamic infused white bean tomato sauce. But, again, there’s no cheese.

According to my computer’s dictionary, a pizza is, “a dish of Italian origin consisting of a flat, round base of dough baked with a topping of tomato sauce and cheese, typically with added meat or vegetables.”

See what it said? Pizza has to have cheese. Because it’s in a dictionary, I believe it to be fact, and my computer’s dictionary doesn’t lie because it has a picture of Spencer Pratt under the definition for “asshole.”

So, technically, the Kashi Sicilian Veggie isn’t a pizza, but Kashi’s other new pizza is one. The Mexicali Black Bean Thin Crust has a whole grain crust topped with a spicy black bean and tomato sauce blend, mozzarella and cheddar cheeses, fire roasted corn, tomatillos, poblano peppers and red peppers.

Now that’s a pizza.

One-third of the Sicilian Veggie has 200 calories, 5 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 530 milligrams of sodium, 120 milligrams of potassium, 37 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber and 11 grams of protein. While a serving of the Mexicali Black Bean has 210 calories, 7 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 560 milligrams of sodium, 27 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber and 13 grams of protein. Both pizzas also contain 9 grams of whole grains and 340 milligrams of ALA Omega-3s per serving.

Like a Jonas brother wearing a purity ring, the new DASANI essence bottled water doesn’t go all the way. It only has a touch of fruit flavor and it accomplishes this without sweeteners, preservatives or calories. It’s the equivalent of just making out in the back seat of a Trans Am. The DASANI essence (yes, that’s how it’s spelled) is similar to the Hint Water we reviewed years ago.

Some of you might be thinking DASANI already has fruit flavored water, and you would be right, but that line of bottled water has a level of flavor that is equivalent to getting to third base in the back seat of a station wagon.

The DASANI essence comes in three flavors: black cherry, strawberry kiwi and lime. It’s being sold in 18.5-ounce bottles or 16-ounce bottles in a 4-pack.

An 8-ounce serving contains 0 calories, 0 grams of fat, 25 milligrams of sodium, 0 grams of carbohydrates and 0 grams of protein.

No matter how cool the limited edition subway series cans that contain the Arizona All City NRG look, I can’t help but feel some trepidation about them. Not only do they bring back the upsetting memories I have of airbrushed clothing, they also make me feel like I’m in the wrong part of town and I better get the hell out. I’ve watched enough Law & Order to know where the wrong part of town is.

The energy drink has a pomegranate flavor and is non-carbonated. According to Arizona Beverage Company, “Going ‘All City’ means going all out” and the All City NRG has enough caffeine, taurine and guarana to give you the energy to run away from the popo after they catch you tagging a wall or their police car. An 8-ounce serving contains 150 milligrams of caffeine, 100 milligrams of guarana and 1000 milligrams of taurine.

The Arizona All City NRG comes in 16-ounce cans and an 8-ounce serving contains 100 calories, 0 grams of saturated fat, 10 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of carbohydrates, 27 grams of sugar, 50% vitamin C, 100% vitamin B6, 100% vitamin B12 and 100% pantothenic acid.

I’m feeling much better about my attempts to thwart aliens from reading my mind, prevent cell phone waves from reaching my brain and to prohibit Martha Stewart from brainwashing me through the picture radio, thanks to the new Reynolds Wrap Foil from 100% Recycled Aluminum. Now I can use an entire roll of it to make a foil hat and not feel bad when I have to make a new one the next day since the power of the foil hat lasts only 24 hours.

It’s made from post-consumer and post-industrial aluminum, which may include: scraps from industrial cable, automobile components, cookware, gutters, siding, and stadium seats. So perhaps, if you’re lucky, sometime next year you might have a small part of Yankee Stadium or, if you’re unlucky, you might get a little bit of Shea Stadium this year. The Reynolds Wrap Foil from 100% Recycled Aluminum is as clean and safe to use with food as regular Reynolds Wrap Foil made from virgin aluminum.

Even the packaging is made from recycled and eco-friendly materials. It’s available in 50-square-foot rolls in standard strength and 35-square-foot rolls in heavy duty strength, which is the strength of choice for those looking to prevent aliens from reading your mind.