REVIEW: Gatorade Water

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“If you want a revolution, the only solution, evolve.”

Sage advice from an extremely catchy tune Gatorade used in ads about a decade ago.

Fast forward to today annnnd I guess the revolution is over, because… Gatorade. Water.

Gatorade Water? That’s devolution!

Step aside Fierce Grape, Riptide Rush, and Frost Glacier Freeze. There’s a new Gatorade flavor in town – nothing. Some ad wizard probably made your yearly salary (x10) to come up with that.

Do you love electrolytes but hate fun? Well, Gatorade Water might just be for you.

Have you ever known someone who’s always had a beard, but then they shave their beard, and then you see their clean-shaven face sans beard, and you think, “Oooof, you shoulda kept the beard?” Gatorade Water.

What’s next, Ben & Jerry’s milk?! Lay’s potatoes? … I’d try ’em both.

Ok, ok, I’ll stop being so cynical. After all, there’s some merit to Gatorade Water. I’m not gonna act like it’s the first bottled alkaline water with electrolytes. There’s clearly a market for this. Smartwater exists, but I still can’t shake the fact this feels dumb.

It’s kinda hard to review water. It’s water. I know there is literally at least one water sommelier out there who would disagree, but H2O is H2O.

Everyone knows someone who insists they can tell the difference between waters, but I guarantee if they were put to the test and blindfolded, that claim would be proven false. Anyway, I’m one of those people now. They’re all liars, but I’m not. I can tell the difference. I don’t think this is very good water.

I’m a Poland Spring loyalist, and when comparing that “pure spring water” to this, I could really tell the difference. This has that dull “dryness” on the finish that I can only assume is from the bit of alkaline and sodium used to lyte up the electros. I can’t really explain it, but I think it’s a common complaint people have with Aquafina, Dasani, or possibly both.

For some reason, I feel like this type of water can never get truly cold or refreshing. I had it in the fridge for a good 36 hours, and it just never got above “slightly chilled.” Does any of this make sense?

Perhaps it has to do with the pH of 7.5 “or higher?” I don’t actually know what that means for drinking water, but I guess it’s not “Planet Hollywood.” Quick Googling seems to indicate that 7.5 is about right for most water.

I drank this at the gym, and it just didn’t stack up to my usual Poland Spring. I also didn’t stack up, as I was pumping weights so tiny that one particularly nosy trainer asked me if I “tore my rotator cuff or something?”

Gatorade Water has “what plants crave,” but I, a “human man,” wasn’t invigorated like I would’ve been if I swigged on a flavored Gatorade or my usual cold Poland Spring. This is just dry tepid nothing. The bottle is sleek and has a solid cap construction, though. I’ll give it that.

Look, it’s water. Am I being too hard on water? Perhaps, but there are plenty of other waters and sports drinks that are better than this, so I say don’t even bother. You can always just have what I’m having – Hatorade.

Purchased Price: $1.99
Size: 23.7 Fl. Oz.
Purchased at: ShopRite
Rating: 4 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 0 calories, 0 grams of fat, 65 milligrams of sodium, 0 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 0 grams of sugar, and 0 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Wendy’s Orange Dreamsicle Frosty

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This is how I imagine the inevitable ad for Wendy’s new Orange Dreamsicle Frosty is gonna go:

Kathryn – “Ever since Wendy’s introduced the new Orange Dreamsicle Frosty, Tyler has been dreaming up some new squad names.”

Tyler – “Hey Willie, since nothing rhymes with ‘orange,’ we should be the ‘Cream Team.'”

Then Willie just Jim Halperts to the camera and continues helping a customer.

Toby – “What about me? I wanna be on the Cream Team. It’s my CREAM DREAM! Haven’t you guys ever had a cream drea–”

Willie – “DON’T say it again.”

Then Toby awkwardly eats an Orange Dreamsicle Frosty before you realize you’re watching the DVR and can fast-forward through the rest of the commercials.

Tell me you don’t want an Orange Dreamsicle Frosty now! I had one, and it’s good!

Wendy’s is killing it with their Frosties lately. Vanilla was a winner, naturally. I really liked the Pumpkin Spice, and I gave Peppermint a 10! The only newer flavor I didn’t love was Strawberry. I thought it needed to be sweeter.

Well, sweetness is where the Orange Dreamsicle Frosty excels. I’m sure you’re familiar with Good Humor. You’re not getting any of that from my review, but you’ve probably had a Good Humor Creamsicle at some point in your life. I think Wendy’s has improved on that iconic flavor.

They nailed the balance of orange and vanilla here. The orange is vibrant and candylike but not citrusy or sour. It’s very pronounced on the nose, but it soon melds with the really soft vanilla flavor that chases it. It’s just the right level of sweetness, definitely less cloying than the ice cream bar that inspired it.

There’s also something about these two flavors that works so well with the Frosty texture. I’ve gone over it before – it’s not a shake, it’s not ice cream, it’s just an icy grainy concoction that lives somewhere in the middle. I don’t know how they do it, but even the temperature is perfect. I took a big spoonful and then a couple swigs and never even worried about potential brain freeze.

I got a Dave’s Double for $2 because of a March Madness promotion in the app and compensated by only getting a Junior Frosty. I wish I got a medium instead and opted for a $1 Dave’s Single. Either way, it’s a great pairing.

So yeah, this is an ideal flavor to usher in the spring. Next time you’re in the mood for ice cream, a shake, or an ice cream and shake-adjacent modern marvel of food science, just go to Wendy’s.

I’m already bummed this won’t be a permanent menu item. While I clearly love these seasonal Frosties, I need more than two options at a time. I’m not telling Wendy’s to retrofit all of their restaurants with a 10-tap Frosty machine… no, actually I am. Do that, Wendy. I want a full range of Frosty flavors at my disposal at all times, and don’t forget the Wendy’s Blendies™.

Purchased Price: $1.29
Size: Junior
Rating: 9 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 200 calories, 5 grams of fat, 0 gram of trans fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 20 mg of cholesterol, 100 milligrams of sodium, 35 grams of total carbohydrates, 31 grams of sugars, 0 grams of fiber, and 5 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Limited Edition Churro Oreo Cookies

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Limited Edition Churro Oreo Cookies have fried dough-flavored wafers and churro-flavored creme with sugar inclusions. That sounds innovative, or as the folks in the Oreo lab might say, innOreovative, and I feel like, with this new flavor, we’re on the cusp of some creative Oreo varieties that will make us forget that the limited edition flavors now have fewer cookies than before. But this Churro variety, while good, doesn’t wow me enough to make me go, “Oreo is back, baby! Let’s go buy some Mondel?z stock!”

Note: I do not own any food industry stocks.

First off, I’m not sure about the whole churro vibe. I mean, a case can be made that this is churro-flavored, but I’m not convinced. Though, I will say this cookie isn’t simply cinnamon sugar flavored, which is what some brands have done to “churro” flavored products. So, brav-Oreo, Oreo!

Let’s start with the fried dough-flavored wafers, which are definitely not your run-of-the-mill Golden Oreo, and help give the cookies an aroma that keeps pulling me back to them, but not for the reason you think. While they do smell pleasing, they also smell so gosh darn familiar. But I can’t pull out what it is from my already snack stuffed subconscious. There’s a hint of cinnamon with a little something something, which I assume is the “fried dough.” I want to say Teddy Grahams, but that’s probably not it. There are also dark bits baked into the wafers, which might be the cinnamon I’m tasting.

The churro-flavored creme wasn’t what I was expecting. If the wafer represents the fried dough, then the creme should bring us the cinnamon sugar, but that’s not quite the case. While there’s some cinnamon flavor, there are also a bunch of other flavors that, I guess, represent the churro beyond fried dough, cinnamon, and sugar. But it really tastes like speculoos cookie butter, but not as swee…OHHHHH!!!! Now I know what these cookies smell like — cookie butter. Thank you, taste buds, for helping your pal, the nose! Okay, now that I have that in my head, I can’t think of these as anything other than cookie butter-flavored Oreo, which has been done before. The sugar inclusions are a nice touch that simulates the crunch of a churro’s cinnamon sugar coating, but they do nothing to convince me that the creme is churro-flavored.

Wait a minute. Let me think here more than one should about a cookie. So there’s a chance that the creme is a slight reformulation of Oreo’s previous cookie butter creme, and the sugar inclusions are basically just the popping candy that Oreo has been putting in Firework Oreo and Space Dunk Oreo, but pop-less. Okay, I take back what I wrote at the beginning of this review. These Limited Edition Churro Oreo Cookies don’t sound as innOreovative as I initially thought, but they are delicious.

Purchased Price: $4.99
Size: 10.68 oz
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (2 cookies) 140 calories, 7 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 75 milligrams of sodium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 12 grams of sugar (including 12 grams of added sugar), and less than 1 gram of protein.

REVIEW: Mtn Dew Baja Point Break Punch and Baja Laguna Lemonade

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It’s Mtn Dew Baja Blast’s 20th anniversary! It’s been two decades since the flavor debuted at Taco Bell. Does that make you feel old? Well, you’re not alone, my Gen X and Millennial friends. It’s also Mtn Dew Baja Season! What is that? It’s when Mtn Dew releases Baja offshoots in tropical flavors to let us know summer is here. Although this year’s flavors, Baja Point Break Punch and Baja Laguna Lemonade, hit shelves a few weeks earlier than previous years.

Baja Point Break Punch is a Dew with a blast of natural and artificial tropical punch flavor. Now, you might be yelling in your head, “Hey! Wait a minute! Didn’t Mtn Dew already Dew a Baja Dew with tropical punch flavor?” It Dew-d, I mean, did. That was 2021’s Baja Punch, but Baja Point Break has a different tropical punch flavor. And I imagine there will be future Baja Dew iterations with a blast of tropical punch flavor. But is this one a blast? Well, yeah, it is.

Looking at the can’s artwork, the flavor seems to combine pineapple, raspberry, blueberry(?), cherry, and donuts. Okay, I’m pretty sure there’s no donut flavor, but those yellow thingies sure look like donuts and not pineapple slices. Its flavor is cherry and raspberry heavy with a bit of pineapple in the background. But there’s enough of the pineapple to convince my taste buds that this is “tropical.” Overall, the fruit combination tastes great and is a little unique from other tropical punch offerings I’ve had.

But enough with the inferior flavor of the two.

If you have to choose between Baja Point Break Punch and Baja Laguna Lemonade for your sugary, caffeinated beverage, go for the one with alliteration because it might be the best limited edition Baja flavor ever. This delightful Dew features a blast of mango lemonade flavor. Now, you might be yelling in your head, “Hey! Wait a minute! Didn’t Mtn Dew already Dew a Baja Dew with mango flavor?” It Dew-d, I mean, did. That was 2022’s Baja Mango Gem, but Baja Laguna Lemonade has a hit of lemonade that makes it taste more of a hit than Mango Gem.

Despite not being in the product’s name, mango is at the forefront of this soda, and adding lemonade takes it to another level. It’s so good that I want to find a suitable professional golfer to name this combination after, similar to calling an iced tea lemonade mix an Arnold Palmer. Laguna Lemonade starts with a bold mango flavor, and then the lemonade flavor appears to add some sourness to the proceedings. It’s a one-two flavor punch that I won’t forget, unlike Baja Mango Gem. Seriously, I can’t remember what it tastes like.

Purchased Price: More than one should pay on eBay
Size: 12 oz cans
Purchased at: eBay
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Point Break Punch), 9 out of 10 (Laguna Lemonade)
Nutrition Facts: (1 can) 170 calories, 0 grams of fat, 50 milligrams of sodium, 44 grams of carbohydrates, 44 grams of sugar (including 44 grams of added sugar), and 0 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Blue Bell Gooey Butter Cake Ice Cream

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I must admit that I know precious little about the city of St. Louis. I know that arch thing is there, and…well, that’s about it. I did not know what people from St. Louis were called until just now, and even after finding out they are generally referred to as St. Louisans, I’m not sure exactly how to pronounce that. But I am proud to say that I have expanded my base of St. Louis knowledge a bit more, thanks to the new Gooey Butter Cake ice cream from Blue Bell.

It turns out that gooey butter cake, which are three words I’ve previously never typed together in my life, is a delightful, sugary treat that is native to St. Louis. I cannot explain why Texas-based Blue Bell decided to use it as its newest concoction, but I’m glad it did.

For those of you who are not St. Louisans or not well-versed in Midwestern culinary culture, gooey butter cake is a somewhat thin yellow cake that is dense like a brownie and often has a layer of cream cheese on top. The Blue Bell label describes this version as “cake batter ice cream combined with a luscious cream cheese swirl and rich gooey butter cake pieces.”

I would not have known the ice cream base was cake batter-flavored if not for the label, as it seemed to me just like the regular Blue Bell vanilla flavor. But the important parts of this ice cream are the cream cheese and gooey butter cake pieces, and they really deliver a home run. The cream cheese swirl is wonderfully silky and creamy with a strong cheesecake-like flavor, and you never know how much you will get because the color blends in almost seamlessly with the ice cream.

The cake pieces are a mixture of small, crumb-size morsels and larger square chunks, and that’s another mark in the plus column in my book. When you get a spoonful with just the crumb pieces, there is more than enough flavor to satisfy. And then, when you luck out and get a big nugget, you get to enjoy the chewy, buttery, sugary bliss it provides. After one bite, I regretted buying the pint size instead of the half-gallon, and I’m pretty sure the contents of my pint are not going to live to see tomorrow.

Having never eaten real gooey butter cake, I cannot say whether Blue Bell nailed the flavor profile with this ice cream. But it certainly nailed a delicious, creamy treat, and you can bet that if I ever find myself in St. Louis, that I’ll be hunting for some gooey butter cake. In the meantime, I’ll probably head back to the store and pick up a half-gallon.

Purchased Price: $3.99
Size: One pint
Purchased at: Brookshire Brothers
Rating: 9 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (2/3 cup) 280 calories, 13 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 130 milligrams of sodium, 38 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of dietary fiber, 27 grams of sugar, and 5 grams of protein.

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