Mazola Pure Butter Cooking Spray

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Over the years, I have learned an important lesson: When alcohol and silicone are taken away from something, they instantly lose their fun factor.

For example, a party at the Playboy Mansion wouldn’t be any fun without alcohol and silicone. Strip clubs would be less enjoyable minus alcohol and silicone. Finally, Anna Nicole Smith would be less fun and harder to parody without alcohol and silicone.

Recently, I found a product that debunks the lesson I learned, the Mazola Pure Butter Cooking Spray. Not only does it not have any alcohol or silicone, which it proudly boasts on its packaging, it also doesn’t have any calories, fat, sodium, carbohydrates, and cholesterol.

With none of that in the Mazola Pure Butter Cooking Spray, you’re probably asking yourself, how can it be any fun?

Well with the right people, items and body parts, it can be hella fun.

For example, did you see the episode of Family Guy when the employees of Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Factory had a competition at their company picnic to see who could catch a greased-up deaf guy? You can recreate this thanks to the Mazola Pure Butter Cooking Spray.

Just get a bunch of your friends. Find a place with a lot of open space, like a city park, state university campus, or cemetery. Then have everyone draw straws. The one with the shortest straw has to strip down to their skivvies and be sprayed all over with the Mazola Pure Butter Cooking Spray. Give that person a 30 second head start and some earplugs, then you folks can have yourself some greasy giggly fun.

Oh yeah, just a warning. Do not play this game in the middle of the day, unless you plan to eat your friend once you capture them and they’ve had time to cook in midday sun.

Do you have plastic sheets, a significant other, and did you run out of sensual massage oil?

If you said yes to all three, you can use the Mazola Pure Butter Cooking Spray in your foreplay activities. Just spray it on body parts and then rub, stroke, lick, and/or tickle. I sprayed some on my body and it felt kind of good once I got used to the butter scent. I also made a video of me rubbing it on, which you can view here (Quicktime required).

Oh yeah, another warning. Do not use the cooking spray as a lubricant for condoms and please remember to dispose of plastic sheets when done with sweet, sweet lovemaking.

Now if you’re really crazy and want to have some real fun, you can use the Mazola Pure Butter Cooking Spray to cook things or add some light butter flavor to foods like popcorn.

Usually, I use a tablespoon of butter when making an omelette, but the other morning I used the Mazola Pure Butter Cooking Spray to make a turkey, cheese, and broccoli omelette. I really couldn’t taste the butter flavor from the cooking spray, but it did prevent my eggs from sticking to the pan.

Like its greasy distant spraying cousin, WD-40, the Mazola Pure Butter Cooking Spray has a lot of fun uses, but you just have to find them. Although WD-40 totally sucks as a sensual massage oil.

Item: Mazola Pure Butter Cooking Spray
Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Hella fun. No fat. No cholesterol. No sodium. No carbs. No calories. Can add a light buttery flavor to popcorn. Aluminum can is strokeable. Not just for cooking, it’s like WD-40. Possible massage oil replacement.
Cons: A Playboy Mansion party without alcohol and silicone. Too light of a buttery taste. Might’ve been more fun with alcohol and silicone.

Kleenex Expressions Oval Collection

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Despite my extremely macho exterior, I’m not afraid to admit that sometimes I feel like crying.

I’m not talking about a tear drop falling down my cheek, like I’m a Native American in a littering commercial or I’m listening to emo rock. I’m also not talking about my eyes getting watery like I have allergies or because I just got roshamboed in the balls.

I’m talking about full on bawling, like I would if a girlfriend broke up with me or I was being hunted down by the Predator or a chihuahua puppy that likes to bite ankles. I would also intensely cry if I were strapped to a chair and forced to either watch the direct-to-video Bring It On: All or Nothing or be given a lap dance by an oiled down Sally Struthers in a G-string.

I wasn’t always like this. Before, I was a manly man with a manly hairy chest and would only cry when my favorite sports teams won a championship.

However, I have grown a sensitive side, thanks to the 1990s Ralph Tresvant song “Sensitivity,” which taught me that women like men with a sensitive side and I need to be someone who can love you, someone who will need you, someone who will treat you right (like me girl), someone who will hold you tight, and someone stable in your life (ah baby).

Now I’m still a rough and rugged man on the outside, but on the inside I’m a fragile Precious Moments porcelain doll and I think I’m getting worse.

For example, the other day, I was watching the Karate Kid. During the final scene when Daniel-san goes into the Crane Technique and then strikes that asshole Johnny in the face, I started frickin’ bawling right after the crowd started cheering Daniel-san’s victory.

Whenever I feel a good cry coming on, I get the box of Kleenex ready. If there isn’t a box of Kleenex around, I’ll use a t-shirt sleeve, mine or someone else’s, or a pants leg or I’ll just let it drip dry.

The problem with Kleenex boxes is the fact that they’re so rigid and the floral designs on them make me even sadder because they remind me of funerals. So when I saw these Kleenex Expressions Oval Collection boxes with their sparkly bright colors and pleasing rounded shape, I was ecstatic. I was so thrilled that I started to cry a little in the store out of pure joy and had to rip open the box that’s pictured above.

It was like the Kleenex box got a makeover from the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy dudes. I think the changes to the boxes are not only pretty, but they’re practical as well. The box’s curved body makes it ideal to hug, because whenever I cry, I need to hug something. A normal rectangular Kleenex box is like your aunt who wears wayyyy too much Avon rose scented perfume, you just feel uncomfortable hugging them.

I think it’s nice that Kleenex is modernizing their boxes, but the pretty graphics and hugability doesn’t quite make up for the fact that the Kleenex Expressions Oval Collection boxes are slightly more expensive than a normal Kleenex box. To me, price does matter because I cry a lot and go through many Kleenex boxes, especially whenever I watch Beaches.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to take my Kleenex Expressions Oval Collection box and go listen to some Dashboard Confessional.

Item: Kleenex Expressions Oval Collection
Price: $2.99
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: It’s Kleenex. Pretty shiny graphics. Box shape is perfect for hugging, when you need something to hold. The Crane Technique. Mr. Miyagi. A good cry.
Cons: Pricey for a box of Kleenex. My fragile Precious Moments porcelain doll interior. A Sally Struthers lap dance. Rectangular, rigid Kleenex boxes. Chihuahua puppies.

Tastykake Butterscotch Krimpets

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Tastykake Butterscotch Krimpets

Oh, hello there. Benjamin Franklin here, but please feel free to call me “Benji.”

Being a founding father of America and having my signature on both the United States Constitution and The Declaration of Independence, I get some perks here in heaven. For example, because I loved doing experiments with lightning when I was alive, I sometimes get to create lightning storms.

Although, I haven’t recently because I accidently struck a few people on a golf course in Utah. I kind of find it ironic that I, the inventor of the lightning rod, struck a couple of people holding lightning rods in the form of golf clubs.

Anyway, another perk I get here up in heaven is getting to enjoy delightful food from my beloved colony…Um, I mean…state of Pennsylvania, like the Philly Cheesesteak, stromboli, and lots of Hershey’s chocolate.

The Pennsylvanian food product that I’m most intrigued with is the Tastykake. I’m intrigued by it because it’s the only snack-sized, pre-packaged, and mass-produced pastry that has a name that gives me a clear picture of what I’m about to eat…A tasty cake.

It’s also one of the few snack-sized, pre-packaged, and mass-produced pastries that has a name that doesn’t sound like something I would be offered in sexual explicit spam emails, like HoHos, Ding Dongs, and Twinkies.

Plus, by eating Tastykakes, it doesn’t give Thomas Jefferson the opportunity to quip, “You know, Benji. You are what you eat.” He always says that whenever I eat a HoHo, a Ding Dong, or a Twinkie.

Jefferson is a dear friend, but he’s such a crazy guy.

Did you know that he’s to blame for the crack in the Liberty Bell? There are all kinds of theories behind it, but the truth is that Jefferson wanted to turn the Liberty Bell into a beer funnel, or what the young people of today call a “beer bong.”

So he grabbed Samuel Adams, who supplied the beer, and myself, who held the bell upside down while he tried to bore a hole into the Liberty Bell. Unfortunately, the hole caused a crack and all the beer spilled onto Jefferson. Oh, it was a sight to behold. Good times. Good times.

Anyway, recently I tried the Tastykake Butterscotch Krimpets, which are Twinkie-sized pieces of sponge cake with butterscotch icing on top. It sounded wonderful, it had a nice moist texture, it wasn’t too sweet, and it tasted all right, but I was slightly disappointed with them because they didn’t seem to have a butterscotch taste at all. However, for some reason, I did detect a slight beef jerky aftertaste.

Besides the beef jerky aftertaste, another thing that disturbed me about the Tastykake Butterscotch Krimpets happened when I placed one on top of two sheets of paper for about 30 seconds. When I lifted it off of the paper it left an oily mark on it. I wouldn’t have noticed this if I had a plate, but heaven has no plates thanks to Jefferson’s attempts to balance spinning plates on sticks.

As I said previously, that Jefferson is a crazy guy.

Item: Tastykake Butterscotch Krimpets
Price: FREE
Purchased at: Received free from co-worker Lia
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Yum…Icing. Moist texture. Not insanely sweet. Decent tasting. Benjamin Franklin. Thomas Jefferson. The Declaration of Independence. The United States Constitution.
Cons: No butterscotch taste. Beef jerky aftertaste. Leaves oily mark when placed on paper. Being called a HoHo, Ding Dong, or Twinkie by Thomas Jefferson.

REVIEW: McDonald’s Ranch Snack Wrap

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Are your young, hyperactive, and easily-influenced children singing shouting the lyrics to Wiggles songs over and over again like they were drunk at a kiddie karaoke bar?

Is the fellow movie patron sitting behind you with their feet constantly kicking the back of your chair yelling things at the screen, like “Don’t open that door!” or “Run, bitch! Run!”?

Is an obnoxious, loud-mouthed television or radio political pundit attacking you for either your insane conservative beliefs or demented liberal views?

Are you in the same room as Star Jones and she’s looking at you like you’re a juicy, meaty hamburger she’d want to sink her teeth into?

If any of these things are happening to you, I’d suggest you stick a new McDonald’s Snack Wrap in their mouth. Not only will it shut them up for about two minutes, or in Star Jones’ case prevent her from eating you, they’ll also be enjoying a gosh darn tasty snack.

The McDonald’s Snack Wrap consists simply of crispy chicken, cheddar jack cheese, lettuce and ranch sauce wrapped in a soft flour tortilla. The ranch sauce made it pretty tasty and the chicken was surprisingly crispy.

Its cylindrical shape is perfect for stuffing into the mouths of those who won’t shut up. Or it can be used by Britney Spears as Sean Preston’s pacifier when she can’t find her usual pacifier for him…A Taco Bell soft taco.

The McDonald’s Snack Wrap is kind of small, but I think it’s just as filling as a double cheeseburger from the Dollar Menu. Also, at $1.29, it’s inexpensive and I expect a lot of five dollar hookers will take advantage of that cheap price.

Sure, the five dollar hookers could get the cheaper double cheeseburger, but I’m sure they’re tired of having meat in their mouths and would like to have something different.

Being inexpensive can also make up for its lack of size. Obviously, if the McDonald’s Snack Wrap was bigger, it would be awesometastic and be able to shut someone up for a longer amount of time.

However, because it’s so cheap, buying two of them would double the amount of time I could keep Anna Nicole Smith from talking, because no good can come from anything that comes out of her mouth.

So if you buy one McDonald’s Snack Wrap, consider it a snack. Buy two or three, then it’s a meal. Buy four or five, it’s a meal for two. Buy one billion and it’s time to buy some McDonald’s stock.

Item: McDonald’s Snack Wrap
Price: $1.29
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Inexpensive. It’s gosh darn tasty, thanks to the ranch dressing. Great way to shut someone up for about two minutes. Chicken was actually crispy. Great for five dollar hookers who are tired of having meat in their mouths.
Cons: Kind of small, but what do you expect for $1.29. The Wiggles. People yelling at the screen during a movie. Insane political pundits. A hungry Star Jones.

REVIEW: Taco Bell Spicy Chicken Crunchwrap Supreme

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You just don’t mess with a classic, like Metallica’s The Black Album, Kevin Smith’s low-budget film Clerks, Michael Jackson’s Thriller album, George Lucas’ original Star Wars trilogy, or Taco Bell’s original Crunchwrap Supreme.

Unfortunately, Taco Bell did mess with the classic Crunchwrap Supreme and created the Spicy Chicken Crunchwrap Supreme, which contains spicy shredded chicken, sour cream, lettuce and tomatoes, a tostada shell, and nacho cheese sauce all wrapped up in a grilled flour tortilla.

It sounds good, but in reality it’s like if George Lucas did the following things to the original Star Wars trilogy:

1. Had a hairless Chewbacca that mooed
2. Lando Calrissian always had a Colt 45 in his hand
3. Princess Leia’s gold bikini in Return of the Jedi was instead a gold Victorian dress
4. Made Greedo shoot first at Han Solo in the cantina scene

In other words, the Taco Bell Spicy Chicken Crunchwrap Supreme just wasn’t right and doesn’t come close to being as good as the original.

It’s like Taco Bell took Metallica’s The Black Album cut off all of its long hair, turned the devil horns hand sign into the letter “I” in sign language, and added a cover of Reel Big Fish’s cover of a-ha’s Take On Me as a bonus track.

Basically, the only thing different between the original Crunchwrap Supreme and the Spicy Chicken Crunchwrap Supreme is the instead of ground beef, it’s got the shredded spicy chicken. But unfortunately, that seemingly minor tweak turned out to be something as dramatic as replacing the picture of normal, jheri curl, plastic surgery-less Michael Jackson on the cover of his Thriller album with a picture of a scary, pale, nostril-less women, like Michael Jackson.

If the shredded spicy chicken was actually spicy, it might’ve been much better. Sure, adding Taco Bell’s Fire sauce would’ve turned up the heat, but doing so wouldn’t have made it — as Taco Bell likes to say — good to go, because it’s hard to put taco sauce on something while driving, playing World of Warcraft, or playing air guitar to Metallica’s album Master of Puppets.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Impulsive Buy reader Brie for suggesting the Taco Bell Spicy Chicken Crunchwrap Supreme.)

Item: Taco Bell Spicy Chicken Crunchwrap Supreme
Price: $2.89
Purchased at: Taco Bell
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Stays warm in thermal pouch thingy, instead of heat-escaping box. 4 grams of farty dietary fiber. 18 grams of muscle building protein. The Black Album and any Metallica albums before it.
Cons: Not as good as original Crunchwrap Supreme. Not very spicy. The music at the Taco Bell website. 3.5 grams of trans fat. 1,300 milligrams of sodium. Any Metallica album after The Black Album.

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