REVIEW: Burger King Birthday Pie

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What do Keith Richards and Burger King have in common?

Other than both being famously flame broiled, you’re probably absolutely shocked they’ve made it to their 70th birthdays.

I always expect my local BK to be a shelled-out husk on my next visit, only to be seen again in a YouTube compilation called “Absolute Dumpsters You Used to Eat at as a Kid.”

With that said, I’m a loyal BK defender, and I’m happy they still exist. Despite becoming one of the punching bags of the fast food industry, the King is celebrating his 70th birthday, so let us raise our Coca-Cola Freestyle concoctions in the air and toast – Long live the King. I doff my paper crown to thee.

How does one celebrate their royal seventennial? Well, with a Birthday Pie, of course. Ya know, birthday pies, the traditional capper for any great birthday celebration. A Birthday Pie sounds less real than the word “seventennial,” yet here we are.

BK hasn’t really hit us with many pie options over the years, but its mainstay, Hershey’s Pie, is great, so I was very much looking forward to this one.

I’ve been served Hershey’s Pie. I know Hershey’s Pie. Hershey’s Pie is a favorite of mine. Birthday Pie, you are no Hershey’s Pie. The concept is flawed from jump – it’s a pie filling that tastes like cake? Just give us cake. Let us eat cake.

The Birthday Pie tastes like three slightly contrasting versions of artificial vanilla in a cookie crust. On the surface, that seems appetizing enough, but it’s just very… vanilla. The pie consists of a birthday cake-flavored pie filling, which tastes like blended cake in a weird viscous form, so it kinda leaves you yearning for cake, which you only get in the form of little tease cake bites glued on top of the off-pudding, which is quite off-putting. (Thanks)

The cookie crust is vaguely “graham” flavored, but the filling is so wet it makes the crust limp. It, like me, had no integrity. There’s also whipped topping and sprinkles, so it’s just weighed down with more “sweet” nothings.

This slice just ends up having a vague combination of flavors I can really only describe as “generically sweet.” That’s what “birthday” flavor has become. It’s just sugar. Sometimes it’s confetti cake, sometimes it’s vanilla, but mostly it’s just “sugar flavored!” I think I’m officially over “birthday” as a flavor. Good thing McDonald’s is ushering in the world’s new favorite abstract flavor – “Grandma.”

If you’re interested in a mashup of low-quality vanilla pudding, soft Nilla Wafers, and whipped cream, go for it. Maybe you can make a wish for something better next year.

I should also note this thing has an encyclopedia of ingredients. If a European saw the label, they wouldn’t live to see another birthday.

I actually think this pie is a good metaphor for life because it got old in the blink of an eye. As Keith Richards’ friend, Whatshisface, once said, “What a drag it is getting old.”

Anyway, if you insist on trying the Birthday Pie, get the $6 Birthday meal, or get it free in the app on June 1st.

Now sing it with me, “at B-K, Happy Birth-day. You rule!*”

*Sometimes. Not this time.

Purchased Price: $2.99
Rating: 4 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 260 calories, 14 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 190 milligrams of sodium, 31 grams of total carbohydrates, 21 grams of total sugars, less than 1 gram of fiber, and 3 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Eggo Cinnamon Churro Waffles

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I have great news for you if you want a waffle with less flavor than Eggo’s original Homestyle waffles. These new Kellogg’s Eggo Cinnamon Churro Waffles will satisfy your unadventurous taste buds. But if you’re craving something with a delectable cinnamon and/or churro flavor, look elsewhere in the frozen food section. Or visit one of the fairs, carnivals, or festivals happening this summer because you won’t satisfy your sweet tooth with these frozen waffles.

In a frozen state, they smell faintly of cinnamon, and while being toasted, they emit an equally quiet cinnamon scent that’s only noticeable if you’re standing about two or three feet away from the toaster. After pulling them from the kitchen appliance, they seem to have an even weaker smell. But what my nose could detect by putting it just over the waffle reminded me of cinnamon swirl bread, but the parts that aren’t even close to the swirl. All this was not a good sign, but it prepared my taste buds for the disappointment that was to come.

If you offered this to a complete stranger and told them it was a cinnamon churro flavored one, any chances of you earning their trust and going from a stranger to a friend (or lover) would go out the door because they would see you as a liar since these have a taste that’s even lighter than its aroma. Because I know what these are supposed to be flavored, I kind of notice the cinnamon, but it’s not enough to convince me it’s also supposed to have a churro taste. Oddly, adding regular pancake syrup somehow unlocked some more cinnamon, but that still made them less flavorful than Eggo Homestyle Waffles. So, if you plan to eat these sans syrup, I pity your taste buds.

I thought about drizzling chocolate syrup on these, like what’s shown on the box, but I didn’t want to be disappointed anymore.

I don’t find Kellogg’s Eggo Cinnamon Churro Waffles to be awful. At least they don’t taste like the box they came in. I’ll finish them with disappointment and syrup. Definitely syrup.

Purchased Price: $4.49
Size: 12.3 oz/10 waffles
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 5 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (2 waffles) 180 calories, 4.5 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 390 milligrams of sodium, 33 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 8 grams of sugar (including 8 grams of added sugar), and 3 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Pepsi Peach

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I think I’ve said it before on this website, but I’ll repeat it for those who don’t meticulously consume each of my reviews like the delightfully greasy bacon-double cheeseburgers of words that they are: I love flavored Coke. And by “Coke,” I mean, soda, and by “flavored,” I mean, well, you know… something other than the soda’s normal base.

But I don’t discriminate by soda type. I love the Strawberries and Cream Dr Pepper, as well as the Cream Soda version. I like Sprite when it gets weird with Cherries or Cranberries. Cherry Vanilla Coke is incredible, and I still lament the fact that poor sales (maybe?) killed its Orange Vanilla brethren. And Mango Pepsi is the best Pepsi.

And so it was with great anticipation and arousal that I awaited the appearance of Pepsi Peach at a retailer near me. I was so excited, in fact, that when I finally spotted it at my local QuikTrip, I went ahead and got it EVEN THOUGH they didn’t have the zero sugar version, which, in the case of all the aforementioned sodas, is generally my go-to.

Was it everything I hoped for?

Sadly, it was not.

If you don’t want to read a lengthy explanation, just know this: if you blindfolded me and had me drink this, I’d be extremely hard-pressed to tell you what soda flavor this was. The end.

But I’ll go a little further if you’re into details. The scent you get when opening the bottle is very identifiably peach, which makes the absence of actual peach flavoring all the more puzzling. I took a drink— riding high on hope and scent— and then went, “Wait, what?” But the thing is, this doesn’t taste like straight-up Pepsi, either. It’s Pepsi, but it’s a little sweeter than usual, and there’s a unique aftertaste that sets it apart as well. But at no point in the consumption process did I think, “Mmmm, peachy!” It was just mildly fruity.

And that’s a shame, really, given the way they do a great job capturing mango flavor. I was expecting so much more.

While it’s not bad, per se, it’s also not what it’s supposed to be. If it had been marketed as “General Fruit Pepsi,” it would have made so much more sense. I’d buy it again, I guess, if I was ever in a situation where I couldn’t find Mango Pepsi. Or Strawberries and Cream Dr Pepper. Or Cherry Vanilla Coke. Or… you get the idea.

Purchased Price: $2.50
Size: 20 oz
Purchased at: Quiktrip
Rating: 6 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 250 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 55 milligrams of sodium, 68 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 68 grams of sugar (including 68 grams of added sugar), and 0 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Chips Ahoy Limited Edition Hershey’s S’mores Cookies

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When making s’mores, the only chocolate that comes to mind is a Hershey’s Milk Chocolate Bar. The thought of constructing a graham cracker, marshmallow, and chocolate masterpiece with a Ghirardelli Chocolate Square, Cadbury Dairy Milk Bar, or, heaven forbid, a Palmer Milk Chocolate Gold Coin. So it seems right, at least to me, that these new Chips Ahoy Limited Edition Hershey’s S’mores Cookies have that famous Pennsylvania chocolate in them, along with marshmallow-flavored chips and Chips Ahoy’s usual chocolatey pieces.

The Hershey’s chocolate comes in the form of Hershey’s Milk Chocolate Mini Bar Pieces. They are tiny and, I think, even have “Hershey’s” stamped into them. I didn’t know bars came in this size. That’s some extreme portion control and must not be very satisfying unless you eat dozens of them. But in these cookies, they are extremely satisfying, and along with the vanilla marshmallow-flavored chips, they make me forget the usual chocolate is even there. It’s as if the three morsels are in a production of Romeo and Juliet, and while the Hershey’s chocolate and white chips are in the two leading roles, the usual chips have been relegated to the roles of servants of the Capulet and Montague houses.

However, Hershey’s Milk Chocolate has a distinct taste, and I don’t notice it here. Its flavor might be skewed by the regular and marshmallow morsels. But those chunks make the cookies taste much more chocolatey than regular Chips Ahoy. As for the white chips, they have an enticing artificial marshmallow flavor, and if there’s ever a Chips Ahoy Peeps Cookie, these will do the trick nicely.

Now, this wouldn’t be a “s’mores” cookie if it didn’t have any graham cracker flavor, and I’m happy to report that it’s there…I think. The cookie part definitely doesn’t taste like a standard Chips Ahoy, but I wouldn’t say it’s like honey-kissed Honey Maid or Teddy Grahams. But there’s something about it that evokes the essence of graham. There’s no graham flour or graham anything. But it does complete the whole s’mores vibe these cookies have.

If there was one thing that irritated me about these, it was how quickly they disappeared from the packaging. I mean, that’s obviously my fault because I lack self-control sometimes, and sometimes I want to make ice cream sandwiches with the cookies I buy. But I wish this limited edition offering came in a weight that went beyond double digits.

Chips Ahoy Limited Edition Hershey’s S’mores Cookies are outstanding and worth a purchase during this s’mores season.

Purchased Price: $5.29*
Size: 9.58 oz package
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 8 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (2 cookies) 140 calories, 6 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 60 milligrams of sodium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 11 grams of sugar (including 11 grams of added sugar), and 1 gram of protein.

*Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, things are a bit pricier here. You’ll probably pay less than I did.

REVIEW: Pizza Hut Cheeseburger Melt

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Did Pizza Hut always have fries?

I hate to start a Pizza Hut Cheeseburger Melt review with a short review of Pizza Hut’s fries, but that’s what I will do here. They are surprisingly good and go great with this Melt. Although I shouldn’t be surprised since Yum Brands, who owns Pizza Hut, also owns KFC and Taco Bell, which have decent fries. They’re somewhat like Taco Bell’s fries but crispier. The interior is pleasantly fluffy, and they have seasoning on the coating, but I’m not sure what it is. But whatever it is, it makes these fries tasty.

Now, let’s delve into the star of this review, which features beef, Applewood-smoked bacon, onions, mozzarella, and cheddar, all nestled in a parmesan-crusted thin crust that’s folded with a Burger Sauce on the side.

Without the sauce, the Melt has a combination of flavors that’s not recognizable as cheeseburger-like and not too flavorful. Nothing really stands out like the meat and cheese does with an actual cheeseburger. Thankfully, the Burger Sauce exists and helps enhance everything so that it does remind me of the fast food classic. The creamy and tangy sauce has the same flavor profile as other burger “secret” sauces and is tangy enough to make the Melt taste as if it had pickles in it. Like the pickle seasoning on cheeseburger-flavored potato chips, that tang helps bring the fast food menu item to mind. It’s not a Thousand Island dressing or a fry sauce (ketchup and mayo). It’s something in between that. But whatever it is, it makes his Melt taste much better. Also, ask for a second container, because one is not enough for a whole Pizza Hut Melt.

So far, the photos I’ve shown you are from my third order of the Cheeseburger Melt. I didn’t purchase three because I adore this Melt so much that I can’t go days without having one. I had to buy it three times because my local Pizza Hut locations didn’t have the Burger Sauce the first two times I ordered it online, the day of release (I got it with the fries), and the day after at a different location. I believe the famous saying goes, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me a third time…not gonna happen because I will order it in the store and ensure it has the Burger Sauce in stock.”

If you’re interested, here’s a photo of the first one I bought with a side of Pizza Hut fries and marinara sauce.

Would I buy Pizza Hut’s Cheeseburger Melt a fourth time? I definitely would, as long as I’m 100 percent sure I can get the Burger Sauce. I’d also get it with the fries again.

Purchased Price: $9.49
Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (1 Melt) 1180 calories, 76 grams of fat, 25 grams of saturated fat, 1.5 grams of trans fat, 140 milligrams of cholesterol, 2290 milligrams of sodium, 86 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 12 grams of sugar, and 41 grams of protein.

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