REVIEW: Jack in the Box Mini Sirloin Burgers

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I’ve been trying to figure out who Burger King, with their BK Burger Shots, and Jack in the Box, with their new Mini Sirloin Burgers, are targeting with their smaller sandwiches. I don’t think it’s the penny-pinching crowd since the cost, combined mass and nutritional value of the mini burgers are somewhat equivalent to a regular sized burger. After thinking about it for a time equivalent to the time it takes for one to come up with an idea, I came to the

Conclusion:

that these mini burgers are meant for babies and their psychotic mothers who want to live vicariously through their child’s successes.

In this day and age of baby pageants, the pressure is on for babies to be their cutsy-woosy-est. You know what makes a baby cute? Baby fat. Babies with chiseled faces and sculpted abs are just plain creepy. The more fat your baby looks, the cuter they will be. Chubby cheeks attract pinches from aunts, untranslatable baby babbling from adults and good marks from baby pageant judges. Maintaining that baby fat is going to take more than anything Gerber can provide in purée form and that’s where these mini burgers come in handy.

The Jack in the Box Mini Sirloin Burgers consist of three mini burgers with sirloin patties topped with American cheese, grilled onions and ketchup in between a sweet mini bun. Each burger is roughly 2.5 inches in diameter and 2.5 inches tall, thanks to the quality bun and the thick sirloin patty. Its size is just about right for the mouth and appetite of a baby. A BK Burger Shot is smaller and will fit into a baby’s mouth much better, but the Mini Sirloin Burger definitely looks much more appetizing.

The use of the sirloin patty was a good touch because it gave the burgers a nice slightly peppery taste and more calories, sodium and carbohydrates than the BK Burger Shots, which will help keep babies plump and cute, because a fat happy is a happy baby…that can steal the hearts of judges. The grilled onions in the burger were quite noticeable, which added a nice flavor to go along with the sirloin patty, cheese and ketchup, but will cause bad marks on scorecards if the baby’s bad onion breath isn’t taken care of before the competition.

Overall, I liked the Jack in the Box Mini Sirloin Burgers and thought they were much better tasting than the BK Burger Shots. I think the use of sirloin patties made the difference. I also think they are a great way to ensure babies look their cutest for baby pageants. So if you’re a wrong-minded mother who wants to put their young son or daughter (but hopefully daughter, because there aren’t beauty pageants for boys) through a possibly psychologically damaging competition, the Jack in the Box Mini Sirloin Burgers are all you need to keep your kid doughy cute.

And if you’re entering a daughter, winning baby pageants can lead to child pageants, then teen pageants, then beauty pageants and then years of therapy and/or a possible pictorial spread in Playboy for your child.

(Nutrition Facts – 3 mini burgers – 748 calories, 29 grams of fat, 12 grams of saturated fat, 1 grams of trans fat, 110 milligrams of cholesterol, 1606 milligrams of sodium, 77 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 20 grams of sugar and 42 grams of protein.)

Item: Jack in the Box Mini Sirloin Burgers
Price: $3.99
Size: 3-pack
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Good tasting burgers. Will help keep babies fat and cute. Definitely better than the BK Burger Shots. Just fits into a baby’s mouth. Quality bun. High in protein. Thick sirloin patty. 3 grams of fiber. Winning baby pageants.
Cons: They maybe small in size, but all three burgers combined have a lot of calories, saturated fat, and sodium. Not cost efficient. Pack of three makes it hard to equally share with another person, unless you’re willing to fight over the third burger. Mothers who live vicariously through their children. Losing points for bad baby’ breath. Years of therapy.

REVIEW: Haagen-Dazs Five Ginger Ice Cream

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When I’m faced with a fork in the road, I take the path that’s less traveled because I like a little adventure in my life and I don’t like the sloppy seconds I’d get with the other, well-used road. I could’ve purchased a normal, safe flavor in new Haagen-Dazs Five Ice Cream line, like vanilla bean, milk chocolate, mint or coffee, but I decided to go with the most unconventional (i.e. f’ed up) flavor instead — ginger.

What makes the new Haagen-Dazs Five Ice Cream line so special is that it contains only five ingredients — milk, cream, eggs, sugar and ginger.

I guess the love they put into it isn’t considered an ingredient.

Since it already contains sugar and spice, all Haagen-Dazs needs is everything nice and some Chemical X and they can probably make their own Powerpuff Girl. They can name her Beauty, if she turns out beautiful, or Bonbon, if she turns out fat.

Much like you don’t expect quality, wholesome programming that stars people you don’t want to punch in the face from MTV, you probably don’t expect a confectionary company to make a ginger-flavored ice cream. It doesn’t seem right because, like beer and Japanese tentacle rape porn, ginger is an acquired taste. And that taste is something I have yet to truly acquire, which I know for a fact because the gag reflexes tell me so. I don’t like ginger snaps, ginger ale or the pickled ginger that comes with my sushi, but I do think redheads are frickin’ hot.

While I do not care for the taste of ginger, for some reason I enjoyed mild ginger flavor of the Haagen-Dazs Five Ginger Ice Cream. Although the first time I tried it, I did something that every valley girl is very familiar with — I gagged myself with a spoon.

The very first taste was a little harsh, but I quickly got over it. I could definitely taste and smell the ginger, and there were even small bits of ginger mixed in with the ice cream, but for some reason the other four ingredients made it extremely palatable. I think the reason why enjoyed the flavor was because after the initial ginger, the flavor kind of reminded me of egg nog, which I love and is the cause of my inflated manboobs during holiday season.

The texture of the Haagen-Dazs Five Ginger Ice Cream wasn’t as creamy as their regular ice cream, which was disappointing. It does have less fat than regular Haagen-Dazs ice cream, but eating a whole pint by yourself in one sitting while getting over a breakup won’t make it seem less like a cliched scene from a romantic comedy.

Overall, I was surprised I enjoyed it, but I was hoping the ginger in it could do a little more, since it’s known as an effective way to treat nausea. It didn’t work when I felt nauseous while watching vile, meaningless programming that stars people I want to punch in the face on MTV, so I don’t think it will work after a rough boat ride.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 cup – 230 calories, 12 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 75 milligrams of cholesterol, 50 milligrams of sodium, 25 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 22 grams of sugar, 5 grams of protein, 8% vitamin A and 10% calcium.)

Item: Haagen-Dazs Five Ginger Ice Cream
Price: $4.49
Size: 14 ounces
Purchased at: Foodland
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Surprisingly pleasant taste. It kind of tastes like egg nog. Less fat than regular Haagen-Dazs ice cream. Contains five all-natural ingredients. Being adventurous and taking the road less traveled. Redheads.
Cons: If you don’t like ginger, you probably won’t like this. Not as creamy as regular Haagen-Dazs ice cream. Will still make you fat. The vile, meaningless programming that stars people I want to punch in the face on MTV. Sloppy seconds.

REVIEW: Nonstop Mint Stride Gum

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Minty gum flavors are like shades of gray — there are slight variations, either minty coolness with the gum or values in the hexadecimal format (or sadness in an emo’s soul) with the gray, but to most people it’s basically the same shit. The Nonstop Mint Stride Gum is just another shade of gray, albeit on the lighter side, that plays a lot of Dashboard Confessional and The Get Up Kids on its iPod.

I believe the Nonstop Mint Stride almost has the perfect minty gum name, although the folks at Stride Gum disagree since they have a contest going on to determine a new name for it that involves people submitting their ideas for a chance to win $10,000. I think the name is fine because it somewhat accurately describes the gum itself. It’s minty and, while it may not be “nonstop,” it lasts surprisingly long, like Steve Wozniak’s stay on Dancing With The Stars.

Naming a minty gum is simple if you have nerve endings and aren’t agoraphobic. Just go outside when it’s dark or cold, strip down to your underwear (or naked if it’s legal in your neck of the woods or you live in the middle of the woods), wait a few minutes for your body temperature to drop, write down what you’re feeling (if your shaking hands allow you to), and then add the word “mint” at the end of everything you’re feeling.

I’ve come up with a number of minty gum names using this technique, like Wind Blast Mint, Mid-40’s Mint, Shiver Mint, Misty Wind Mint, Hard Nipple Mint, It’s So Cold I Can’t Write Straight Mint, My Nipples Are So Hard That They Could Poke An Eye Out Mint, Holy Shit It’s Fucking Freezing Mint, and Shrunken Genitalia Mint.

The Nonstop Mint doesn’t have a strong minty flavor like a lot of chewing gums with names that combine a weather report with the word “mint,” but it does have a sweet side. I guess if there was a minty Juicy Fruit it would taste somewhat like this. I enjoyed its flavor and was able to chew on it for more than 45 minutes before I had the urge to spit it out, but if you need something stronger to get rid of the garlic, onions or mistress/boytoy you just ate, I’d suggest something other than the Nonstop Mint Stride.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 piece – Less than 5 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 1 gram of carbs, 0 grams of sugar, 1 grams of sugar alcohol and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Nonstop Mint Stride Gum
Price: $1.39
Size: 14 pieces
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Minty sweet flavor. Has a name that almost accurately describes it. Long lasting flavor. Able to keep it in my mouth for more than 45 minutes. 14 frickin’ pieces. No fat. Stripping down to your underwear in the name of marketing. Genitalia.
Cons: Not a strong minty flavor. Doesn’t seem strong enough to get rid of garlic, onions or genitalia in your mouth. Shrinking genitalia in cold weather. Being agoraphobic. My excessive use of the word “genitalia” in this review.

REVIEW: Raspberry Goji Jello with Antioxidants

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The Raspberry Goji Jello contains the antioxidants vitamins A and E.

Oh, I remember a time when those two weren’t known as antioxidants. I can’t quite recall what they were called. Let me think for a moment. It’s on the tip of my tongue.

Oh yeah, that’s right, they were just called vitamins.

When did vitamins A and E become antioxidants? I thought antioxidants were scientific sounding things with names that are made up of ten or more letters, like polyphenols, flavonoids, and carotenoids. If vitamins A and E are antioxidants, then the Skippy Peanut Butter that contains vitamin E can technically be called Skippy Peanut Butter with Antioxidants and the fortified milk I drink that has vitamin A could also be called Fortified Milk with Antioxidants.

Those names would not only be silly, but they would also make it much harder to sing the 1980s ABC Public Service Announcement “Quickfast” by The Bod Squad.

A piece of toast and one of these:
Some Skippy Peanut Butter with Antioxidants or a slice of cheese.
Fortified Milk with Antioxidants or juice to wash it down.
It’s the fast fast quick fastest breakfast in town!

The Raspberry Goji Jello may have antioxidants but it seems it doesn’t get them from the raspberries and goji berries, which are known to be high in a variety of antioxidants. One of the reasons why I believe they don’t provide any antioxidants is because are both great sources of Vitamin C, but according to the Jello packaging it’s not a significant source of it. But the more obvious reason is because, according to the ingredients list, the Jello gets its vitamin E via vitamin E acetate, while the vitamin A comes from added beta-carotene. So it seems the raspberries and goji berries provide flavor, but no antioxidants, which is kind of deceiving.

Speaking of the Raspberry Goji Jello’s flavor, it had a sweet, pleasant taste. I could taste the raspberry, but the Jello wasn’t at all tart. I’m not sure what goji berries taste like so, I’m not sure if I could taste them. But combined it created a nice flavor, with a hint of an artificial sweetener aftertaste, thanks to the aspartame and deceit in it.

Each container of the Raspberry Goji Jello with Antioxidants is a good source of vitamins A and E, if you consider 10 percent of your daily recommended intake of them “a good source.” It’s also fat free, sugar free and contains only 10 calories per serving — making it a guilt-free snack. But just don’t expect it to be your main source of antioxidants.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 container – 10 calories, 0 grams of fat, 45 milligrams of sodium, 0 grams of carbs, 0 grams of sugar, 1 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A and 10% vitamin E.)

Item: Raspberry Goji Jello with Antioxidants
Price: $5.49
Size: 6-pack
Purchased at: Star Market
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Sweet, pleasant flavor. Only 10 calories per serving. Sugar free. No fat. No preservatives. Reliving the 1980s.
Cons: Raspberries and Goji berries don’t appear to provide antioxidants. Despite what the packaging says, it’s not really a good source of vitamins A & E. Slight artificial sweetener aftertaste. Pricey for what you get. Being asked silly questions by your parents.

REVIEW: Nabisco Oreo Fun Stix

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I’ve yet to have any fun with these Nabisco Oreo Fun Stix. I should be having a blast with them because, after all, the word “fun” is in its name, but I’ve gone through almost the entire box and I haven’t gotten any entertainment out of them; not even by trying to light them or sticking them into an orifice. It’s so boring that I consider it the snack version of The Hills spin-off The City.

Each box comes with eight packs of two cylindrical chocolate cookie wafers lined with Oreo creme that measures six inches long and half an inch in diameter. They’re hollow, so they’re just like those cereal straws that allow you to slurp up milk with them, except you won’t find these in the cereal aisle and because they’re not labeled “cereal straws” they won’t go down as one of the most absurd packaged food ideas that our future alien overlords will point to as the reason why it was so easy to enslave the human race.

But maybe it’s not the fault of the Oreo Fun Stix and I’m not using them correctly or my body is numb to fun after years and years of consuming Oreos in every possible way and the saturated fat they provided has blocked the “fun juice” from reaching my brain. So maybe the fun comes from trying to unblock the “fun juice.”

The Oreo Fun Stix continues the long list of items that haven’t given me the same satisfaction as regular Oreo cookies. The cookie shell was crispy, but perhaps too crispy since some of the Fun Stix were broken when I opened their packs and they easily left a bunch of crumbs on my table, which I guess could be entertaining if I had a penchant for hearing the sucking sound from a 1980s Black & Decker DustBuster.

The Oreo cream tasted very much like the sweet whiteness that we’ve all grown to love and lick, but because the cream lining is inside the wafer stick I can’t get any pleasure from licking it, unless I’m supposed to get delight from a surgical procedure that turns my tongue into a snake’s tongue. The cookie shell combined with the Oreo cream didn’t quite taste like an actual Oreo cookie, which was disappointing. For roughly the same price as these Oreo Fun Stix you can get actual Oreos and, I think, more of them.

I still don’t know what exactly is so fun about these Oreo Fun Stix and I’ll probably never find out. I guess just because it has the word “fun” in it, doesn’t automatically make them fun, after all, the word “fun” is also in words like defunct, dysfunctional, funeral, fungus, malfunction and nonrefundable.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 package – 90 calories, 3.5 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 50 milligrams of sodium, 30 milligrams of potassium, 13 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 9 grams of sugar, less than 1 gram of protein and 4% Iron.)

Item: Nabisco Oreo Fun Stix
Price: $3.49
Size: 8-pack
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Crunchy. Oreo cream. 90 calories per pack. DustBusters.
Cons: It’s basically a cereal straw, one of the downfalls of the human race. Not fun at all. Didn’t quite taste like an Oreo. Wafer was a little too fragile. Pricey for the amount you get. Makes crumbs. The MTV executive who green-lighted The City. Having alien overlords in the future.

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