REVIEW: Jif Natural Peanut Butter

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Jif Natural is the lambskin condom of big brand peanut butter because they’re both made from natural ingredients and both feel great on my skin. While lambskin condoms are made from lamb intestines, Jif Natural Peanut Butter consists of just five simple ingredients: roasted peanuts, sugar, palm oil, salt and molasses.

Being made from natural ingredients also gives each of these products particular characteristics not found in non-natural versions. Lambskin condoms, while good at preventing baby batter from sticking to the egg in the pan, are not very good at preventing the transmission of STDs because lamb intestine is porous enough to let bacteria and viruses through.

Jif Natural has a consistency that is really easy to spread, like melted regular peanut butter on a fresh piece of toast. Or in German it can be best described as über creamy. Or in formal Japanese it would be known as totemo kurimi. Or in energy drink marketing speak it would be xtremy creamy.

If you’ve ever purchased all-natural peanut butter from a hippie natural foods stores that sells a lot of hemp and soy products, you probably know about the separation of the oil and peanuts after you open the jar, forcing you to stir it to mix the two. This can be a pain in the ass if you’re extremely lazy and don’t like an extra step between opening the jar and shoveling a spoonful of peanut butter into your mouth. Fortunately, there’s no need to stir with the Jif Natural Peanut Butter, so it can go straight into your mouth and then straight to your gut, or if you’re a woman, straight to your hips and thighs, which causes you to consider purchasing the Kymora Body Shaper.

The Jif Natural Peanut Butter may not have a thick layer of oil on top after you open it, but it does have a very a thin layer of palm oil, which gives it a glossy shine. Regular peanut butter tends to have more of a matte finish. The look of Jif Natural Peanut Butter is not the only thing that shines, so does its flavor. I think it has a stronger nutty flavor than regular peanut butter, and I now I don’t feel like using the six pounds of Skippy Peanut Butter I bought from Costco.

While it may be natural, it isn’t necessarily healthier than regular peanut butter because it has the same amounts of saturated fat and sugar. It does, though, have half the sodium than regular Jif peanut butter. Also, natural peanut butter tends to be more expensive than their normal counterparts, but Jif Natural is about the same price as regular peanut butter.

Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for condoms made from lamb intestines.

(Nutrition Facts – 2 tbsp – 190 calories, 16 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 75 milligrams of sodium, 7 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, 7 grams of protein, 2% calcium, 4% iron, 10% vitamin E, 2% riboflavin and 20% niacin.)

(Update: TIB reader Anna points out that this product is a peanut butter spread and not peanut butter because it contains 10% of non-peanut ingredients, which it clearly states on the bottle. I am blind.)

(Update #2: After having the Jif Natural Peanut Butter around for a while, I found that it has a tendency to clump together, which is frickin’ weird. I’ve knocked the rating down a point because of this.)

Item: Jif Natural Peanut Butter
Price: $3.99
Size: 18 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Great nutty flavor. Only five ingredients. No need to stir. Easy to spread. 50% less sodium than regular peanut butter. Same price as regular peanut butter. Feels good on my skin. Condoms.
Cons: Same amounts of saturated fat and sugar as regular peanut butter. Will eventually start clumping. Glossy look may seem weird. Having to stir all-natural peanut butter from a hippie natural foods store. The cost of lambskin condoms. Lambskin condoms don’t prevent the spread of STDs.

REVIEW: Morningstar Farms Veggie Italian Sausage

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The most creative people in the world aren’t musicians, painters, writers or whoever invented the Slanket.

I think the most creative people are those who have to come up with food that’s supposed to trick people into thinking it’s another food. No, I’m not talking about the inventor of the Chicken McNugget. I’m talking about the proud men and women who have the imagination to come up with products like the Morningstar Farms Veggie Italian Sausage.

It takes talent to fake the three major food animals: cow, pig and chicken. And I think the folks at Morningstar Farms have done a decent job at it, because I’m a regular consumer of their bloodless fake meat products. Although my admiration for them is dwindling because I wrote several kind letters to the company requesting certain products, but they have yet to introduce a vegetarian turducken.

Unlike the Moroccan Rose Body Butter or the Japanese Cherry Blossom Puree Body Lotion you purchased from The Body Shop, animals were probably harmed while coming up with the Morningstar Farms Veggie Italian Sausage. If you think about it, in order to make meat-free Morningstar Farms products, meat must be consumed so that the mad scientists there know what to make their veggie-rrific products taste like.

The Morningstar Farms Veggie Italian Sausage can be prepared in three ways: on the grill, on the stove or in the microwave. Due to a court ordered mandate to stay away from matches and lighter fluid/hair spray, I could not try it on a grill.

Italian sausage is usually packed in a casing, but these veggie versions weren’t. Instead they were molded into a hot dog shape. If you heat one up on a stove, the outside of the sausage looks darker than the one from the microwave, which is in the photo above. While warming them up, the scent of the sausage’s spices filled my kitchen. The sausage’s flavor has a little spice to them and they somewhat remind me of Italian sausage, but its texture throws me off. Because there’s no casing, the sausage is extremely soft and has a tendency to crumble easily in my mouth.

It’s not bad for something that’s 100% vegetarian and it does have 66 percent less fat than traditional Italian sausage, so it’s good for someone looking to maintain their slim physique so that their Slanket is easily able to cover their entire body.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 link – 120 calories, 6 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 350 milligrams of sodium, 125 milligrams of potassium, 7 grams of carbohydrates, 1 grams of fiber and 10 grams of protein.)

Item: Morningstar Farms Veggie Italian Sausage
Price: $5.69
Size: 4 pack
Purchased at: Foodland
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Decent spicy flavor. Somewhat reminds me of an Italian sausage. 100% vegetarian. Decent source of protein. 66 percent less fat than traditional Italian sausage. The Slanket.
Cons: Really soft texture. Only four per box. Being 100% vegetarian might turn some off. Regular hot dogs are significantly cheaper. No vegetarian turducken yet.

REVIEW: Glaceau Tranquilo Vitamin Water

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Like all flavors of Vitamin Water, Tranquilo Vitamin Water promises to help you with some aspect of your life that is lacking. Need to boost your immune system? Drink a Defense Vitamin Water. Want something to help with your concentration? Consume Focus Vitamin Water. Need a jolt of energy? Tank an Energy Vitamin Water. Want to bring back someone from the dead so that you can play Resident Evil in real life? Pour a Revive Vitamin Water down their throat.

Tranquilo Vitamin Water helps you to relax and forget your troubles for a little while, like spending a weekend on the beach. But isn’t there another liquid that helps you temporarily forget your troubles much easier?

Alcohol? It somewhat does that, but not fast enough.

Homemade moonshine made with things found in a garage? Yes, it does have that ability, but it also has the power to “permanently make you forget your troubles,” cause you to become blind or make you imagine you’re talking to the 29th President of the United States Warren G. Harding about what’s on his iPod and being surprised that “Regulate” by Warren G is not on it.

What liquid am I thinking of?

Oh yeah, that’s right! Chloroform.

Tranquilo Vitamin Water looks like the water in a public toilet that hasn’t been flushed for days and it is flavored with tamarind and pineapple, although the ingredients list doesn’t directly mention them, but it does include the vague “natural flavor.” It’s also a decent source of vitamins, like A, C and E, but so is a serving of Cocoa Puffs, so that’s not really saying much.

The pineapple seems to dominate the scent and taste of the beverage, although to be honest, I have no idea what tamarind is and the first time I ever heard of it was when I picked up this bottle, so it might be the tamarind dominating the beverage. At first, I didn’t enjoy its flavor, which reminds me of a watered down Pina Colada Slurpee, but after drinking more of it, I began to like it. While it’s not my favorite Vitamin Water flavor (which is XXX Vitamin Water), it’s definitely in my top ten, which actually isn’t so impressive since there are only 13 Vitamin Water flavors.

So does Tranquilo Vitamin Water help me to relax and temporarily forget my troubles?

No, it doesn’t, because I’m getting totally worked up about the name Tranquilo. What kind of frickin’ name is that? Who just slaps an O at the end of something and makes a name from it? That’s just plain lazy.

Bah! Where’s my chloroform? I want to temporarily forget about that name.

(Nutrition Facts – 8 ounces – 50 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 13 grams of carbohydrates, 13 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A, 40% vitamin C, 10% vitamin E, 10% vitamin B3, 10% vitamin B6, 10% vitamin B12 and 10% vitamin B5.)

Item: Glaceau Tranquilo Vitamin Water
Price: $2.39
Size: 20 ounces
Purchased at: Whole Foods
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Tastes decent after I got used to it. It’s got electrolytes. In my favorite top 10 list of Vitamin Water flavors. Contains vitamins A, C and E. Using chloroform to help me forget things. XXX Vitamin Water.
Cons: Tastes kind of weird at first. Lame name. Looks like water in a public toilet that hasn’t been flushed in days. Doesn’t help me relax and forget my troubles.

REVIEW: Wawa Soft Pretzel

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When I was just a mere reader of this intellectual review site, I would always scream, jump up and down and hit my computer like a wild spider monkey at the zoo that children flick pieces of popcorn at. I bet you’re wondering why on Earth I would do this. Well, it’s because I would see food reviews for delicious, mouth-watering and other trite adjectives used to describe fast food items that will leave a tattoo on your arteries from places such as Jack in the Box and Carl’s Jr. Those of us who were represented by The Notorious BIG in the East Coast/West Coast Rap Wars of 1995 are not able to experience a Carl’s Jr. Charbroiled Steak Sandwich or Del Taco Jalapeno Rings. Well, now it’s the Left Coast’s turn to cry tears of pain when they read reviews for items that only us near the Atlantic have the opportunity to devour.

Wawa is a chain of convenience stores that are located in the Mid-Atlantic. To compare it to a 7-Eleven is blasphemy. Here’s an example of a conversation between a Philadelphian and a tourist that has no clue what a Wawa is:

Tourist: “I’ve seen signs for a store called Wawa. Some have gas stations, and some don’t.”

Philly Guy: “Oh yeah, I go to Wawa every morning before work.”

Tourist: “So it’s like a 7-Eleven?”

Philly Guy: “Fuck You.”

How can you compare sandwiches made to order to oddly colored tubes of mystery meat heated by a sun lamp that slowly rotate while a loitering stoner stares for hours thinking that one of the hot dogs looks like a member of Phish? I’m not saying that 7-Eleven is awful; I do love the occasional Slurpee, but compared to Wawa, 7-Eleven is merely that chick from high school that’s popular, because she has a reputation for giving handjobs behind the bleachers.

The iconic Wawa Pretzel comes two to a package, connected in the middle. It’s much softer than a pretzel that you would get at a ballpark or from a street vendor. The doughy and slightly sticky texture makes it easier to eat without needing to have a chaser of water (or in Marvo’s case, a Throwback Pepsi) and the amount of salt on it is just about right. Although, like snowflakes, no Wawa Pretzel is alike. Some may have less salt, others more may have more salt, some could be harder than others (that’s what she said) and some could be softer than a 90-year-old man while watching Dancing With the Stars.

I’m sorry if I put a visual in your head.

Clocking in at 1040 milligrams of sodium for one pretzel doesn’t make this exactly health food, and 58 grams of carbs would probably make Robert Atkins roll in his grave. The pretzel is very heavy; in fact I could barely finish one before I could feel it expand in my stomach. It’s not something I could consume everyday, but for a carb craving it certainly does the trick.

(Nutrition Facts: Serving Size 1 pretzel-310 calories, 5 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 1040 milligrams of sodium, 58 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 1 gram of sugar, 9 grams of protein. 2% calcium and 20% iron.)

Item: Wawa Soft Pretzel
Price: $1.38 plus tax
Size: 7.8 oz
Purchased at: Wawa Food Markets
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Not dry like most soft pretzels. Fills your belly up. Experiencing the wonder known as Wawa. The colorful vernacular of Philadelphians. Laughing at stoners trying to have a vision while they look at the rotating hot dogs at 7-Eleven.
Cons: More sodium than a healthy human should consume. The East Coast/West Coast Rap Wars of 1995. The image of a 90-year-old man’s problems.

REVIEW: Cinnamon Chex Cereal

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Cinnamon Chex Cereal is the perfect foundation for something you might find on the blog This Is Why You’re Fat. Now you might be thinking how something wholesome, full of whole grains and provides 12 essential vitamins and minerals can turn into a gut-busting, diet-ruining and nauseating pile of hedonism that you wouldn’t even want to use to sabotage a Biggest Loser contestant. But if you think about it, no food is safe from being This-Is-Why-You’re-Fat-ized.

So how would one turn the Cinnamon Chex Cereal into something possibly worthy of being on a blog that takes other peoples’ pictures of disgusting food mashups, gets super famous and then ends up with a six-figure book deal, while the people who sent the pictures of said disgusting food mashups get almost nothing from that book deal? Well the first thing I would do is give the culinary monstrosity a name. Might I suggest, Cinnamon Chex Mixx. The extra X is for XTREME!!!

What would Cinnamon Chex Mixx consist of? Here’s the recipe:

8 cups of Cinnamon Chex cereal
2 cups of Cinnamon Toast Crunch
2 bags of 1.5 ounce Stacy’s Cinnamon Sugar Pita Chips
2 cups of Cinnamon Jelly Belly jelly beans
2 packs of Quaker Cinnamon & Spice Instant Oatmeal (uncooked)
4 Apple Cinnamon Pop-Tarts split into fourths
4 rolls of Cinnamon Mentos
2 tablespoons of cinnamon
1 dozen Cinnabon Mini Bites (or 3 regular Cinnabons cut into fourths)
1 box of Hot Tamales

Mix everything into the biggest bowl you can find, then place the mixture on top of a Dutch apple pie, take a picture of it while preventing yourself from throwing up at the sight of it, email it to the owners of This Is Why You’re Fat, then try to find someone who would be willing to taste the Cinnamon Chex Mixx, and when no one accepts the challenge, bribe someone to do it. If the photo ends up on This Is Why You’re Fat, congratulations are in order. If it doesn’t, take solace in the fact that the slightest scent of cinnamon will now make you nauseous.

While Cinnamon Chex Mixx on paper sounds unappetizing, Cinnamon Chex Cereal by itself is quite delicious because it has real cinnamon. While not every piece of rice and corn cereal has a cinnamon coating, combining the pieces that do with the pieces that don’t equals a cereal that has the right amount of cinnamon flavor. Just imagine a cereal with three-fifths the cinnamon flavor as Cinnamon Toast Crunch and you’ll get an idea of what this cereal is like. The cinnamon coating also helps keep the cereal from getting soggy too quickly.

Cinnamon Chex Cereal follows in the footsteps of Strawberry Chex and Chocolate Chex. All of them are tasty cereals with just the right amount of flavor; they give consumers an opportunity to eat a Chex cereal without having to eat it in Chex Mix form, which was once the only tolerable form when it was just Rice, Corn and Wheat Chex; and they all can be the beginning of a frickin’ Frankenstein-ish Chex Mixx that will make you sick.

(Nutritional Facts – 3/4 cup – 120 calories, 2 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 190 milligrams of sodium, 35 milligrams of potassium, 25 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 8 grams of sugar, 17 grams of other carbohydrates, 2 grams of protein and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Cinnamon Chex Cereal
Price: $5.79
Size: 13.5 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tasty. Has real cinnamon. Right amount of cinnamon. Cinnamon coating helps cereal from getting soggy too quickly. Contains at least 8 grams of whole grains. Vitamins and minerals. This Is Why You’re Fat makes me lose my appetite sometimes.
Cons: Might not have enough cinnamon flavor for some. Pricey for me. Making Cinnamon Chex Mixx. Trying to convince someone to eat Cinnamon Chex Mixx. Bribing someone to eat Cinnamon Chex Mixx. Trying not to throw up while taking a picture of Cinnamon Chex Mixx.

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