REVIEW: Ben & Jerry’s Goodbye Yellow Brickle Road

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Ben & Jerry's Limited Batch Goodbye Yellow Brickle Road

Ben & Jerry’s latest creation, Goodbye Yellow Brickle Road, honors Sir Elton John’s first-ever Vermont appearance in 2008. If Elton John wanted to honor the ice cream that honors him in lyrical form, I believe it might go something like this:

Goodbye skinny jeans
Though I never really used you at all
You had the strength to hold yourself
While my gut pushed out like a wall
It oozed out from over the top
and it looked like you were baking bread.
I really need to run on a treadmill
Because I have 20 pounds I need to shed.

And it seems to me you lived your life
Like plastic bag in the wind
Never knowing what to cling to
When my fat ass came in
And I would have liked to have used you
But I was just too big
Your stitches tore out long before
Your buttons ever did.

Now if Ben & Jerry wanted to honor themselves for honoring Elton John for honoring the Ben & Jerry’s ice cream that honors Elton John in song form, I believe it would go like this:

Hey kids, mixing ingredients together
The freezer freezing something
that’s been known to change the weather.
We’ll milk the fatted calf tonight
so stick around.
You’re gonna taste creamy goodness
that will make you round.

Say, Cherry and Garcia, have you seen them with dairy.
Ooh, but they’re so spaced out, B-b-b-bennie and the Jerry’s.
Oh, but they’re weird and they’re wonderful.
Oh Bennie, he’s really all right.
He’s got plastic spoons, hippie tunes.
You know I read it on their website. Oh ho.
B-b-b-bennie and the Jerry’s

Now if I wanted to honor Ben & Jerry for their limited edition Goodbye Yellow Brickle Road ice cream that honors Elton John, I would say that it’s a pretty good ice cream that would make Sir Elton John happy, or gay, if you will. And why wouldn’t it? Because it consists of a hodgepodge of ingredients that would make most people giddy. It has chocolate ice cream, peanut butter cookie dough, brickle candy pieces and white chocolatey chunks.

The chocolate ice cream had the typical Ben & Jerry’s creaminess to it; the peanut butter cookie dough added a slight nuttiness; the brickle gave it a nice crunch and caramel flavor; and the white chocolatey chunks added…um…actually, I didn’t think they added anything, but they were big chunks and there were lots of them. Each spoonful had at least one of the added ingredients.

Of course, like most premium ice creams, the Goodbye Yellow Brickle Road is extremely high in saturated fat, providing 50% of your daily recommended intake of saturated fat in a half cup serving. But I ate an entire pint within a week and…

Don’t you know I’m still standing better than I ever did.
Eating an entire pint of ice cream, eating it like a little kid.
I’m still standing after all the grinds.
Picking up my body even with all the fat you caused on my hind.

I’m still standing. Yeah yeah yeah.
I’m still standing. Yeah yeah yeah.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 cup – 280 calories, 15 grams of fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 35 milligrams of cholesterol, 95 milligrams of sodium, 34 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 26 grams of sugar, 4 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A, 10% calcium and 8% iron.)

(Note: If you don’t know which Elton John songs I referenced in this review, the first one was “Candle in the Wind,” followed by “Bennie and the Jets,” and ending with “I’m Still Standing.” On Second Scoop also reviewed it, but didn’t like it as much and didn’t reference any Elton John songs.)

Item: Ben & Jerry’s Goodbye Yellow Brickle Road
Price: $5.39
Size: One pint
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Pretty good. Chocolate ice cream was creamy. Peanut butter cookie dough added a slight nuttiness. Brickle add crunch and caramel flavor. Each spoonful had at least one of the added ingredients. Big white chocolate chunks. Elton John.
Cons: Big white chocolate chucks were bland. High in saturated fat. Limited batch. Eating an entire pint in a day. Butchering Elton John songs to match the theme of this review.

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Blueberry Muffin Pop-Tarts

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Oh. Dear. Lord. Stop reproducing, Kellogg’s Pop-Tarts!

You’re making the Octomom and all the reality show fertility families on TLC look normal. What are you up to now, forty or so offspring? I bet they just slide right out of you now, yelling “Weeeeee!!!” as they come through your birth canal. Aren’t you almost 50 years old? Aren’t you too old to be reproducing? It’s dangerous at your age. Or maybe you’re trying to get your own reality show on TLC called “Poppin’ Out Tarts Until Menopause Starts”?

By now you’re also probably running out of names because your latest kid’s name, Blueberry Muffin, sounds like an exiled Strawberry Shortcake character or a slightly chubby stripper who is into autoerotic asphyxiation. I hope you don’t name your next child, Poppy Seed Muffin Pop-Tarts, because, really, if you think about it, that should be your name.

Well, at least your Blueberry Muffin Pop-Tarts sound like something that can be eaten for breakfast, which Pop-Tarts was originally made for. It’s unlike many of the offspring you’ve delivered over the past few years, which were more like desserts than breakfast pastries. Also, now that I think about it, most of them had stripper names: Hot Chocolate, Cookies and Cream and Chocolate Banana Split.

Your Blueberry Muffin Pop-Tarts look very similar to other frosted Pop-Tarts, so I guess you’re not jumping over the fence. It has a light yellow crust with blueberry muffin flavor and blueberry bits filling and white frosting with brown and blue sprinkles on top. It doesn’t taste like a blueberry muffin, instead it tastes like a less sweet Frosted Blueberry Pop-Tart. The blueberry flavor wasn’t overwhelming, which was due to the filling not containing much blueberry flavor. But if blueberry muffins tasted like this Pop-Tart, I would be breaking out my muffin pans and inner Betty Crocker to make them every day, because I really liked the flavor of these Blueberry Muffin Pop-Tarts.

Hmm…Now I’m torn, Kellogg’s Pop-Tarts. I want you to stop reproducing, because it just isn’t safe (or pretty) at your age. But I want you to continue reproducing so that I can see if you come up with something as good as your Blueberry Muffin Pop-Tarts.

(sigh)

Continue reproducing. Weeeeee!!!

(Nutrition Facts – 1 pastry – 200 calories, 5 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 200 milligrams of sodium, 35 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 16 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Kellogg’s Blueberry Muffin Pop-Tarts
Price: $2.49
Size: 8 pastries
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Good. Not overly sweet like a regular Frosted Blueberry Pop-Tart. Blueberry flavor wasn’t overwhelming. It’s a Pop-Tart that sounds like it can be eaten for breakfast. Vitamins and minerals. My inner Betty Crocker. Weeeee!!!
Cons: Doesn’t taste like a blueberry muffin. Has a stripper’s name. Having more than 40 children. A reality show on TLC called “Poppin’ Out Tarts Until Menopause Starts.”

REVIEW: Wendy’s Coffee Toffee Twisted Frosty

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Out of the Big (or Fat Ass) Three in fast food burger joints, Wendy’s has always gone against the grain. Sure, Mickey D’s invented the Happy Meal (aka Here’s some food kid, mommy has a headache Meal) which has been aiding in childhood obesity for thirty years; Burger King prides itself in its flame broiled burgers that you can smell within a ten mile radius even if you are driving in a heavily armored tank; but Wendy’s went a different route.

Instead of marketing to children (or parents who just want to shut their kids up), or pumping their aromas out of their restaurant holes, The Red Headed She-Devil puts random items on their menus like baked potatoes, a discontinued line of deli sandwiches that in Greek translates to “freshit,” and the not quite a shake, but not quite a soft serve ice cream-type concoction know as the Frosty.

For years, Wendy’s only had one type of Frosty — chocolate.

No, not Death By Chocolate or Triple PMS Give Me Some Fucking Chocolate or Madagascar Organic Chocolate, it was simply chocolate. Now, fast food companies (yes, Wendy’s claims it’s “better” than fast food, but let’s be honest here, if you can consume an entire meal while still in the driver’s seat of your shitty, banana yellow 1992 Geo Metro convertible, it’s fast food) realize that people want choices with eye catching names, or ones with pronunciations worse than she sells seashells by the seashore.

The Coffee Toffee Twisted Frosty is the latter.

Twisted is one of those words that could be used as a slang term. For example, “I was so twisted last night that I think I had relations with that cardboard cutout of Zac Efron.”

Wendy’s went with the traditional use of the word “twisted” in describing their Coffee Toffee Twisted Frosty, however they weren’t successful. As you can see in the picture above, there is no twisting going on. It was a minor disappointment since I knew I was going to be engaging my two favorite flavors: coffee and pieces of a Heath or Skor bar.

After popping a Lactaid, I gave it a whirl (or twist). The coffee flavoring was good, but not strong enough and I wish the Heath or Skor pieces were slightly larger, but I guess they want them small enough so you can suck them through a straw.

Just like borrowing the idea of square patties from White Castle, Wendy’s did the same thing with the Coffee Toffee Twisted Frosty by borrowing the concept from the queen (pun intended) of blended soft serve treats — the Blizzard.

If there was a Pay-Per-View boxing match between the Coffee Toffee Twisted Frosty and the Heath Blizzard, you should put your money on the Blizzard. Sure, it’s getting up there in age, but it still delivers. It’s larger, has more flavor and it knows it. The Coffee Toffee Twisted Frosty was good at first, but then it just got sickening and I couldn’t finish it.

But that could also be my gastrointestinal problems.

(Nutrition Facts – 12 ounce – 540 calories, 20 grams of fat, 15 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 45 milligrams of cholesterol, 270 milligrams of sodium, 83 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 69 grams of sugar, 9 grams of protein, 15% vitamin A, 30% calcium and 6% iron.)

Item: Wendy’s Coffee Toffee Twisted Frosty
Price: $2.79
Size: 12 ounces
Purchased at: Wendy’s
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Coffee and Toffee is a good blend. Smelling Burger King from 10 miles away. Seeing a balding man in a banana yellow Geo Metro convertible eating fast food in a parking lot. Heath or Skor. The “Do You Want to Get Frosty With Me” song.
Cons: Way too much saturated fat. 0.5g of the evil trans fat. Needing to carry Lactaid with me at all times. Hooking up with a cardboard cut out of Zac Efron. Small toffee pieces.

REVIEW: Kraft Velveeta Original Shells & Cheese Cup

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Kraft Velveeta Original Shells & Cheese Cup

Have you ever heard this old joke?

A woman walks into a supermarket and buys the following: a bar of soap, a toothbrush, a tube of toothpaste, a loaf of bread, a pint of milk, a single serving of cereal and a single frozen dinner.

The checkout guy looks at her, smiles, and says, “Single, huh?”

The girl smiles sheepishly and replies, “How’d you guess?”

He says, “Because you’re ugly.”

If one wanted to modernize the joke, they could easily add the single-serving Kraft Velveeta Original Shells & Cheese Cup to that list. While doing research on the product, I found out that even Kraft admits it’s perfect for those who eat alone. So not only can we determine someone’s loneliness by the number of cats they own or the number of pornographic sites they subscribe to, but also by their purchase of the Velveeta Original Shells & Cheese Cup.

Because it doesn’t need any refrigeration, it’s one of those products you can leave in your desk at work and forget about. And then when you’re really hungry and look through your desk for something to eat, you’ll find it and be moderately surprised. It would be like finding loose change in between couch cushions, five bucks in the pocket of something you haven’t worn in months, a condom in the back of a drawer or a piece of steak in between your molars.

While each cup doesn’t contain enough for an entire meal, it does make a nice snack or side dish while you watch your cats or the Bang Bus website (please don’t Google “Bang Bus” at work or at home). The concept of the Velveeta Original Shells & Cheese Cup is similar to the Kraft Easy Mac Cups; add water, microwave for three and a half minutes and then mix in the cheese, except instead of using a cheese powder, the Velveeta Cup uses a packet of creamy cheese sauce.

The result of all that preparation was a decent cheesy snack that tasted similar to the Easy Mac Cup. I can’t say which was better, but I guess it depends on how radioactive orange you like your cheese. The shell pasta came out tender and although the cheese flavor was slightly watery at first, thanks to the excess water used to boil the pasta, after a little more stirring it turned out fine. In the end, the Kraft Velveeta Original Shells & Cheese Cup is just like scrambled porn channels with really fuzzy images and muzzled sound — it’s good enough.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 package – 220 calories, 8 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 640 milligrams of sodium, 29 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, 8 grams of protein, 2% vitamin A, 10% calcium and 6% iron.)

Item: Kraft Velveeta Original Shells & Cheese Cup
Price: $1.24
Size: 2.39 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Decently cheesy. Uses a cheese sauce instead of a cheese powder. Easy to prepare. Doesn’t need to be refrigerated. Finding five bucks in the pocket of something you haven’t worn in months. Paying for porn when you can get a lot of it for free on the internet.
Cons: Small serving size, so I won’t make a good meal. Turns out to be a little watery at first, but a little more stirring helps. Owning more than eight cats. High in sodium.

REVIEW: Braun bodycruZer

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Sometimes I dream of being able to take off my shirt in public and jog shirtless, just like male athletes, overweight men without shame and douchebags. But, unfortunately, my torso has the unsightly body issue trifecta, which consists of pale skin that reflects sunlight, a gut that jiggles like Jello and makes you wonder if Jim stuck Dwight’s stapler in it and enough hair to make people break out their cameras and take pictures of my physique so that they can sell them to the National Enquirer as Sasquatch photos.

Sure, I can pet myself and imagine a dog or cat is resting on my chest, but in this tropical environment, all that hair makes these summer months seem a little bit warmer. Thankfully, I have the Braun bodycruZer to help me with my body hair because I want a chest that’s as smooth as a douchebag’s.

The Braun bodycruZer is a electric manscaper, able to knock down any forest on a man’s body, whether they be in the northern hemisphere, like your chest, or in the southern hemisphere, like your…um…dangling South America. It’s similar to another manscaping utility — the Norelco Bodygroom.

While both tools can be used in and out of the shower, have rechargeable batteries that lasts for 50 minutes and have a trimmer/razor combo, the bodycruZer is significantly less noisy, which really does make a difference because the loud buzzing sound the Bodygroom emits makes me somewhat scared to bring it near my dangling South America. Also, while the Bodygroom uses a foil electric razor, the bodycruZer incorporates the five bladed Gillette Fusion, which can be used alone or in combination with the trimmer, which also can be used by itself.

I think the replaceable Fusion blades gave me a closer shave on my chest, compared with the Bodygroom, but I was hesitant to bring them near my South America because I was afraid to cut off Buenos Aires. The blades worked fine when I chopped down my Panamanian rainforest, but I was scared to bring them lower south.

However, my South America didn’t mind the bodycruZer’s trimmer, which was very powerful and easily knocked down longer hairs. I felt more comfortable with the trimmer because its teeth are small and the gaps between them are short, which make them unlikely to snag skin. However, when it gets dull, you can’t just replace the trimmer part. Instead you have to replace the entire unit, unlike the Bodygroom, which uses trimmer cartridges.

Overall, I think the Braun bodycruZer does a good job of manscaping. I have the smooth chest of a douchebag and my South America is much like the real South America in that there has been lots of deforestation. However, if you’re diligent with your manscaping and all you deal with is stubble, you probably don’t need a bodycruZer. A regular men’s shaving razor will do just fine, unless you’re Manny Ramirez, and if that’s the case, you’ll need a women’s shaving razor. But if you like to let things grow, then the bodycruZer will get the job done fast.

Item: Braun bodycruZer
Price: FREE (retails for $60 – $70)
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Received unit from Braun
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Does a good job of manscaping. Uses Gillette Fusion shaving technology. Rechargeable battery. Less noisy than the Norelco Bodygroom. You can use the razor or trimmer by themselves, or you can use both of them at the same time. Small teeth in trimmer make them unlikely to snag my scrotum. Can be used in or out of the shower. My smooth chest. Deforestation of MY South America.
Cons: The messed up capitalization in its name. Gillette Fusion blades might not seem very safe on the scrotum. Trimmer is not replaceable. Pricey compared to the Bodygroom, which is almost half the price of bodycruZer. Manny Ramirez’s use of female hormones. Really hairy balls. Deforestation of South America.

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