REVIEW: Oscar Mayer Turkey + Cheddar Sub Sandwich Lunchables

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“Green, green gasoline. You forgot your ding-a-ling,” was what some my elementary school classmates would yell to me if I ended up with the green lunch tray in the cafeteria. To this day, I still have no idea what it means, but I do know I got the green lunch tray quite often. In order to help me cope with the constant reminder that I forgot my ding-a-ling, I once yelled the rhyme to a boy one grade below me to try to show that I could be an asshole too, but he ended up crying on the spot. I felt bad, so I gave him the cookie that came with my lunch to make him stop crying and I never did it again.

If only Oscar Mayer had Lunchables back when I still occasionally wet my bed. I wouldn’t have gotten the green tray and I wouldn’t have cupped my balls so much in elementary school to make sure I didn’t forget my ding-a-ling anywhere. Also, I wish hip-hop was mainstream in the early 1980s, then my groin cupping wouldn’t have made me look like a kid who enjoyed touching himself, instead I would’ve been a poser.

I’m trying to imagine what my elementary school life would’ve been like if I had the new Oscar Mayer Turkey + Cheddar Sub Sandwich Lunchables. I’d probably living large and in charge with all the honeys in Strawberry Shortcake and Care Bears t-shirts around me wanting a little taste of either the mini turkey and cheddar sub sandwich, mini Nilla Wafers, Tree Top Applesauce, Tropical Punch Kool-Aid or the packet of Kraft Fat Free Mayo.

The mini turkey and cheddar sub measured in at four inches long and two inches wide. The turkey had a smokey flavor, the cheese looked like it was government-issued and the bun, which was made with whole grain, was soft and little chewy, but not stale; the mini Nilla Wafers were as tasty as regular Nilla Wafers; the sweet Tree Top Applesauce gave me something to flick with the included red spoon; the packet of Tropical Punch Kool-Aid added to the 6.5 ounce bottle of water had a slight artificial sweetener taste; and the packet of Kraft Fat Free Mayo was frickin’ huge and way more than enough for the tiny sub sandwich.

The Oscar Mayer Turkey + Cheddar Sub Sandwich Lunchables is a beast of a feast for those who have just reached puberty and below. The flavor of the sandwich was decent, even with the fat free mayo, and the addition of the applesauce helped make it a decent rounded meal, but its price seems a bit high and I probably wouldn’t buy it for my child, if I had one. Although it would prevent my kids from getting the green tray and because it has so much food, they could tease another kid for having the green tray and easily give them the Nilla Wafers when they start crying.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 package – 360 calories, 8 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 600 milligrams of sodium, 62 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 32 grams of sugar, 11 grams of protein, 2% vitamin A, 100% vitamin C, 20% calcium and 10% iron.)

Item: Oscar Mayer Turkey + Cheddar Sub Sandwich Lunchables
Price: $4.69
Size: Big enough for a growing child
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Hearty meal for a kid. Decently rounded meal. Sub sandwich was not bad. Bread wasn’t stale. Applesauce represents fruit group. 100% vitamin C. Comes with a drink. Comes with a red spoon. Prevents kids from getting the green tray.
Cons: Pricey. Fat free mayo packet was frickin’ huge. Cheese looked like it was government issued. Have to keep refrigerated. Making a kid cry. Being a poser. Having to cup my groin to ensure I didn’t lose my ding-a-ling.

REVIEW: Rita’s Swedish Fish Italian Ice

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The country of Sweden is known for many things, like disco songs about dancing queens who are jailbait, safe cars, oddly shaped furniture and, according to every single porno and Spike TV’s MANswers, easy, big-boobed blonde chicks.

However, to American children Sweden is known for its candied fish (and maybe the easy, big-boobed blonde chicks, thanks to issues of Penthouse). Unlike the country of Sweden, Swedish Fish are diverse and come in several flavors like lime, lemon, Salmiak purple and the iconic red. Apparently, nobody can identify what flavors red and purple are since they are unique to the candy. Swedish Fish are pretty much wine gums.

I fell in love with this type of candy over ten years ago during a vacation to Europe. Being eleven, I thought there was actual wine in these chewy candies. So, of course, when I brought them back and gave some to my friends, we acted “buzzed.” When I later found out there wasn’t any booze in them, I of course didn’t tell my friends, who continued to act like miniature Courtney Loves.

I can now relive those days thanks to Rita’s new Swedish Fish Italian Ice.

When I go to Rita’s, I usually get my standard mint chocolate chip, cherry, chocolate or mango treat, but the other day while walking in a rainstorm to get some (I will brave the elements for Rita) I saw a sign for the new flavor and I just wanted to get on my knees and thank whoever came up with this heavenly concoction. Of course, I didn’t actually do that, but even if I did, it wouldn’t be the craziest thing to see in Center City, Philadelphia. It’s nothing compared to seeing the 250 pound cross-dresser with a blonde wig and a R.I.P Dale Earnhardt tattoo.

As you can tell, if you’re not colored blind, the Rita’s Swedish Fish Italian Ice is the red flavor. If you’re wondering what the hell Italian Ice is, it’s slush or whatever you may call it in your respected region of the globe. I apologize in advance if you have never tasted what I call, “The Nectar of the Gods.” After trying it, I swear to you, life became a little bit brighter, I could hear angels singing sweet songs and my tongue was pretty much saying, “MORE! MORE! MORE!”

It’s THAT good.

The Swedish Fish Italian Ice tastes exactly like the candy. There is no denying that it’s Swedish Fish flavored. In fact, it’s better than the candy because the texture and coldness really brings out the flavor. I’m a fan of the Slurpee, but their flavors (with the exception of Pepsi and Coca-Cola) tend to only resemble the actual flavor.

Like all Rita’s Italian Ices, the Swedish Fish flavor comes in three sizes — kids, regular and large — and I’m sad that I only got a regular, because it’s THAT good. I also suggest if you’re near a Rita’s location, try this flavor ASAP, because unlike the songs of ABBA, it will be around for only a limited time.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 regular cup – 320 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 35 milligrams of sodium, 80 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 77 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, 2% calcium and 2% vitamin C.)

Item: Rita’s Swedish Fish Italian Ice
Price: $2.60 (varies by location)
Size: Regular Size
Purchased at: Rita’s
Rating: 10 out of 10
Pros: Tastes exactly like red Swedish Fish. Fat free. Texture and temperature makes it taste better than the actual candy. Sweden’s many great contributions to the world of low priced furniture, safe automobiles, disco anthems and easy women. Having a Rita’s location within walking distance to get my fix.
Cons: Only available for a limited time. Swedish stereotypes. Disco songs that get stuck in my head. Rita’s isn’t available everywhere. Salmiak-flavored Swedish Fish is not available in America.

REVIEW: Nature Valley Nut Lovers Granola Nut Clusters

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Are you a really lazy hippie?

If your tie-dye shirt is dyed with only one color, half your hair is straight and the other half is dreadlocks and your bong is made out of a vase stolen from a cemetery, you may be a really lazy hippie.

If you’re not willing to put out free love, you only put up your pointer finger when attempting to show the peace sign and you call your fellow hippies by their real names instead of their hippie names, you might be a really lazy hippie.

If you rather play Grateful Dead songs on your iPod instead of your guitar, wear a Birkenstock sandal on one foot and go barefoot with the other and smell worse than other hippies, you could a really lazy hippie.

If you are a really lazy hippie, I have the perfect snack for your lazy granola loving tummy. It’s the Nature Valley Nut Lovers Granola Nut Clusters. Why is it perfect for lazy hippies? Because the clusters are bite-sized and they come in a resealable bag, which means there’s no need to open up a granola bar’s wrapper and take a bite out of it.

It’s much easier than making your own granola clusters, which involves taking a box of granola bars, putting it on a hard flat surface and then hitting it with a hammer a few times. Although, now that I think about it, it would probably be much easier for a lazy hippie to get granola clusters by asking another hippie for them, since the hippie code is all about sharing and shit.

The Nature Valley Nut Lovers Granola Nut Clusters are made up from cashews, pecans, peanuts, granola and a touch of honey to make everything stick together. Inside the bag it looks like a bunch of unwrapped broken up granola bars. It’s like someone just stuck the bars in there, sealed it and then placed it in the middle of a hippie jam circle to form the bite-sized clusters by getting the bag stepped on by a dancing tambourine player named Rainbow.

As for the flavor of the granola clusters, I thought it was good. There was a nice balance of salty nuttiness and sweetness. If you like honey roasted peanuts, you’ll like these, although they’re not as sweet. I couldn’t taste the pecans, instead I mostly noticed the cashews and peanuts. Each cluster had a lot of nuts, but they weren’t as crunchy as I hoped they would be.

By weight, the amount in the bag (141 grams) is equivalent to about four of Nature Valley’s granola and nut bars (35 grams each). The price of the Nature Valley Granola Nut Clusters is roughly the same price for a box of Nature Valley’s granola and nut bars, which contains six of them. So it seems we’re paying quite a bit for the convenience of having our granola and nuts clustered.

I guess a better value, if I wanted granola nut clusters, would be to buy a box of Nature Valley granola bars, place it in the middle of a hippie jam circle and let Rainbow at it.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 ounce (about 7 clusters) – 160 calories, 10 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 130 milligrams of sodium, 14 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 7 grams of sugar, 4 grams of protein and 4% iron.)

Item: Nature Valley Nut Lovers Granola Nut Clusters
Price: $5.89
Size: 5 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Nice balance of salty nuttiness and sweetness. Bite-sized clusters. Reminds me of honey roasted peanuts. Comes in a resealable bag. Perfect for really lazy hippies. Lots of nuts. The hippie code of sharing.
Cons: Couldn’t taste the pecans. Nuts weren’t as crunchy as I hoped they would be. Smelly hippies. Not a good value when compared with a box of regular granola bars. Really lazy hippies.

REVIEW: Herr’s Natural Kettle Cooked Sundried Tomato Pesto Potato Chips

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The potato chip is the kingpin in the world of greasy, salty, and lip smacking-good snack foods that are currently on the FBI’s Most Wanted List since there’s a “War on Childhood Obesity.” Of course, our friends on Capitol Hill are trying to put an end to delicious snacks in schools, because the fat kid is now the morbidly obese kid who had a special about him on TLC, as well as a tear-jerking episode on Dr. Phil.

Herr’s (and some of the potato chip big boys) is trying to shed the stigma of the standard potato chip. The stereotypical scene of an overweight man, wearing a tight undershirt with several unidentified stains, sitting on an equally stained couch with one hand on the remote and the other in his jumbo-sized bag of potato chips comes to mind when thinking about the classic snack food, but slap the word “natural” on them, you’re speaking to an entirely different demographic.

Besides having a name longer than the line at the Cheesecake Factory, Herr’s Natural Kettle Cooked Sundried Tomato Pesto is a very crunchy, tasty snack. If you’re a fan of kettle cooked chips (being a native New Englander I was practically raised on Cape Cod Chips, and I didn’t turn into the fat kid, so you can suck it health food lobbyists), and live in an area where Herr’s is available I suggest you pick up a bag of any of their kettle chips, because they are all good, but the Sundried Tomato Pesto are exceptionally good; like slap your momma and say “Wham Bam Thank Ya Ma’am” good (I suggest you do NOT do that to your mother and I suggest you don’t “word” her either, because she will think you’re lame, especially if you’re still wearing Zubaz and have your eyebrows trimmed like Vanilla Ice circa 1991).

The chips are perfectly crunchy, but not like chomping on glass like how some brands of kettle chips are. There’s not really a sundried tomato taste to them, which I personally didn’t mind since I did buy them for the pesto aspect, and I was very pleased with the pesto flavor they provided.

Like all bags of snacks, half of the bag was pumped with air, which left me with less chips than desired, but the amount was perfect to pair alongside a nice sandwich on herb bread.

Herr’s Natural Kettle Cooked Sundried Tomato Pesto may not be as exotic as some of the flavors Kettle Chips pops out with, like Yogurt & Green Onion, but they hold their own, and since they are natural, they don’t have to hide from the feds.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 ounce (about 13 chips) – 140 calories, 8 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 300 milligrams of sodium, 16 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 2% iron.)

Item: Herr’s Natural Kettle Cooked Sundried Tomato Pesto Potato Chips
Price: 99 cents
Size: 2.125 oz (60.2 g)
Purchased at: Wawa
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Kettle cooked, but doesn’t feel like chewing on glass. No preservatives. Nice herb taste. Low in saturated fat compared to other chips. A mother making fun of her 35-year-old son who still wears Zubaz. TLC shows that have nothing to do with Jon, Kate or the number eight.
Cons: Small size. The new generation not knowing the word moderation. Not available in all areas. People who still say “Word to your mother” in serious conversations. Can’t taste tomato in them. Vanilla Ice’s facial grooming habits in the early 90’s.

REVIEW: Burger King Angry Tendercrisp & Angry Original Chicken Sandwich

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The Angry Tendercrisp and Angry Original Chicken Sandwich think they’re angry, but they’re not. I’ll show you angry, muthabitches!

Woke up at 4 am ’cause someone was dragging a bag of cans on the street.
Pissed me off because they interrupted me in the middle of REM sleep.
Got to my feet, looked outside and saw a bum digging through the trash.
Told him to be quiet or else that can in his hand would be his last.
He slurred something I didn’t understand, I think he had too much wine.
Said to him I’m going to pop a cap in his ass with my muthafuckin’ nine.
Pulled out my gat and flashed it at the defenseless homeless man.
Then he mumbled some gibberish to me I couldn’t quite understand.
I said, “Don’t make me come down there and mess you up, you bum.”
“I dare you” is what I think he slurred with his alcoholic tongue.
But my gat was a water gun I got for 100 skee ball tickets at the arcade.
So I told him, “Oh, you’re lucky I don’t have bullets. Now go away.”
Then someone yells “Shut up you two or else I’m going to call the cops.”
Then I quickly hide behind my curtains and the argument stops.

You see that? I was so angry that I might’ve killed a man. If I had a real gun, some bullets, and I wasn’t scared of firearms due to a pellet gun accident at Boy Scout camp, I would’ve dropped that hobo dead. What kind of anger do those two chicken sandwiches wield? All they have are Pepper Jack cheese, jalapenos, angry onions and angry sauce.

Ooooh, that’s angry. I’m scared of them. I better lock my doors. I better have 911 on speed dial incase they get angrier. I should go find Betty Ross so that she can calm them down when they turn into the Incredible Hulk. Pfff…Their ingredients aren’t angry. Let me show you angry.

Waiting in line to pay for my banana Slurpee.
Watching the old lady pull out her coin purse in front of me.
Oh, she better not be paying with pennies, nickels and dimes,
or else I’m going to end her life before her time.
Driving Miss Daisy spills the contents of her purse on the counter,
I was going spill my Slurpee on her head and then pound her.
Counting off each coin one by one by one by one,
She owed $5.23 for a sandwich and a bag of Funyuns.
The cashier tried to speed things up by collecting her amount,
but the old hag didn’t want anyone to help her count.
I lose my mind and yell at her, “Could you go any slower?”
I cause her to miscount and now she has to start all over.
Now everyone in the back of the line is yelling at me.
“How could you be so mean to the elderly?”
Some guy grabs my Slurpee and pours it over my head.
I ran out of the store and cried like a baby as I fled.

Yeah, that’s right. I was so angry that I would’ve beat up an old lady. And if it weren’t for that guy who was smart enough to cool my hot head down with a Slurpee, who knows what I might’ve done to that grandma who says “hi” to me every time I pass her on the sidewalk.

The Angry Tendercrisp and Angry Original Chicken Sandwich are like their weak ass cousin, the Angry Whopper — all talk, no burn. The only thing that saves their asses from being total wussies is the fact the both of them are kind of tasty, although I thought the Angry Tendercrisp was a little better. The angry sauce gives both of them a nice barbeque flavor with a little kick, but not enough to be considered “angry.” The jalapenos also provide a little more heat than the sauce and the “angry onions” don’t add anything, except a little crunch. The bacon gets lost with the smokey angry sauce and the lettuce and tomatoes help to cool each sandwich’s “anger” even more. But, again, both sandwiches are tasty.

I guess in order for me to consider them angry, the Angry Tendercrisp and Angry Original Chicken Sandwich would have to either kill a hobo for making too much noise or bitch slap an elderly person for paying in pennies.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 sandwich – Angry Tendercrisp – 1030 calories, 61 grams of fat, 14 grams of saturated fat, 1.5 grams of trans fat, 105 milligrams of cholesterol, 2670 milligrams of sodium, 82 grams of carbohydrates, 15 grams of sugar and 40 grams of protein. Angry Original Chicken Sandwich – 870 calories, 55 grams of fat, 13 grams of saturated fat, 1 grams of trans fat, 95 milligrams of cholesterol, 2430 milligrams of sodium, 61 grams of carbohydrates, 11 grams of sugar and 34 grams of protein.)

(We Rate Stuff reviewed the Angry Original Chicken Sandwich and the Angry Tendercrisp.)

Item: Burger King Angry Tendercrisp & Angry Original Chicken Sandwich
Price: $6.49 (Angry Tendercrisp)
Price: $5.49 (Angry Original Chicken Sandwich)
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Angry Tendercrisp)
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Angry Original Chicken Sandwich)
Pros: Tasty sandwiches. Hearty sandwiches. Angry sauce has a nice barbeque flavor. Chicken coating was crispy. Angry onion provide crunch. Lettuce and tomatoes provide vegetables. My skee ball skills.
Cons: Not angry. Extremely high in sodium. Contains trans fat. Bacon gets lost with the smokey angry sauce. Elderly abuse. Killing hobos. Paying for purchases with pennies. My rhyming ability.

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