REVIEW: Hostess Limited Edition Dark Chocolate Raspberry Cupcakes

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Hostess Limited Edition Dark Chocolate Raspberry Cupcakes

Among the world of berries, raspberries are a hard sell. They’re bitter, rot fast, and are filled with teeny pulp bits that get stuck in your teeth, but they also have a distinct sweet, flowery profile that I crave at the inconvenient hour of now, when they’re overpriced, out-of-season, and tasteless.

Which is why I bit into the surface of my Hostess Dark Chocolate Raspberry Cup Cake without hesitation, cracking through the sheen of the fudgy top layer. That upper crust carries the responsibility of the “Dark Chocolate” title, and, while I wouldn’t deem it a full-blown 70 percent cacao by any stretch of the imagination, there is a certain nutty, semisweet chocolate echo at the front that I appreciate before I reach the full sugar surge underneath.

And it’s a clutter of sugary fluff under that surface, the glurping, gloopy icing poofing out like a misfit marshmallow. That frosting floof carries the texture of Cool Whip and a raspberry perfume that could rival a Bath and Body Works. Indeed, it has an artificial raspberry kick at the forefront with a high-fructose-sugary backdrop. It’s like Pillsbury frosting got put in the Super Collider with Raspberry Jelly Bellies. Pretty intense in that special, non-natural way.

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The chocolate cake is of a familiar Hostess Cupcake variety: a little oily, a little spongy, a little ho-hum on flavor, all held within a distinctive squishy texture that may or may not remind me of a Shamwow. It tastes quite simply of packaged pound cake with a little cocoa, and, while I may hope for something a little more chocolate-forward, I respect that the cake embraces what it is: a vehicle that can be enhanced by the addition of ice cream.

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In 1971, Hostess introduced Captain Cupcake, the rotund, spyglass-wielding naval officer who ate a few too many Hostess Chocolate cupcakes before turning into one. What would Captain Cupcake say about these new Hostess Dark Chocolate Raspberry Cupcakes?

I can’t say. This is mainly because Captain Cupcake is an anthropomorphic baked good with a position in the Navy, and I would regret speaking for such a high-ranking officer. For me, however, these cupcakes were neither a bonafide hit nor a heartbreaking miss.

The floofy raspberry filling was pleasant enough, the chocolate cake was moist, and the icing top held a pleasant semisweet fudginess. At the same time, the cake was a little tasteless, the preservatives were a little over abundant (is hydrogenated beef tallow really an essential ingredient?), and the false raspberry lingered a little long, but, hey, it’s tough to alter the austerity of false raspberry.

Overall, I declare this a decent cupcake for the forthcoming Valentine’s celebration. What’s better is that you’ll wait in no lines to get it, withdraw no loan to afford it, and can eat it at any hour you desire. All it takes is ripping open a plastic wrapper and maybe some ice cream. This can happen. This can happen now.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cupcake – 160 calories, 50 calories from fat, 6 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 220 milligrams of sodium, 26 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 18 grams of sugar, and 1 gram of protein.)

Item: Hostess Limited Edition Dark Chocolate Raspberry Cupcakes
Purchased Price: $2.99
Size: 10.5 oz/8 cupcakes
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Tender cake. Fudgy icing top. Floofy filling like Cool Whip. 8 swirls of icing. Mario Kart. Captain Cupcake.
Cons: Hydrogenated beef tallow. Filling tastes a smidge like children’s toothpaste. Texture like a Super Shammy. Smells from Bath and Body Works, The unexplained disappearance of Captain Cupcake.

REVIEW: Taco Bell Sriracha Chicken and Spicy Beefy Nacho Crunchwrap Sliders

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Taco Bell Sriracha Chicken Crunchwrap Slider

Cheap.

It’s what Taco Bell does best.

What Taco Bell is also good at is coming up with a gazillion varieties of the same products. So many different tacos. So many different burritos. So many different Freezes. And now so many different Crunchwrap Sliders.

If you’re not familiar with Crunchwrap Sliders, let me put it to you this way. If the original Crunchwrap is Khloe Kardashian, then Crunchwrap Sliders are the significantly smaller Kourtney Kardashian. Oh wait…I should really write the previous sentence this way: If the original Krunchwrap is Khloe Kardashian, then Krunchwrap Sliders are the significantly smaller Kourtney Kardashian. Now it’s korrect.

Last year, about this time, these smaller Crunchwraps debuted with three varieties — Beefy Cheddar, Spicy Chicken, and BLT. This year two of the flavors are back — Beefy Cheddar and BLT — but this time they’ve brought along the new Sriracha Chicken and Spicy Beefy Nacho.

The Sriracha Chicken comes with shredded chicken, Fritos chips, and Taco Bell’s sriracha wrapped hexagonal in a flour tortilla. The Spicy Beef Nacho has seasoned beef, Fritos chips, creamy chipotle sauce, and nacho cheese sauce in a flour tortilla.

Yes, there aren’t a lot of ingredients in each one. But the lack of components does two things: it keeps the menu item cheap and allows our taste buds to really notice the sauces in them.

The Sriracha Chicken is somewhat similar to last year’s Spicy Chicken with chipotle sauce. The only part that’s different is the sauce. I didn’t think too highly of the Spicy Chicken because it wasn’t very spicy. But this new chicken Crunchwrap Slider has a bit more heat, although I wish it had more. It’s not “Oh my God, I need some Mountain Dew Baja Blast NOW” hot, but it’s a step above what the Spicy Chicken offered.

As you can see in the photo above, the chicken wasn’t shredded, it was chopped into chunks, which I didn’t mind. It was also a little dried out, but still easy to chew. Again, because there weren’t a lot of ingredients, I could really taste the garlic and peppers from the sriracha, which was something I really didn’t experience with Taco Bell’s Sriracha Quesarito. Because of the sriracha, this Crunchwrap Slider is my favorite out of all of them.

Taco Bell Spicy Beefy Nacho Crunchwrap Slider

My new third favorite is the Spicy Beefy Nacho (BLT is my number two). The creamy chipotle sauce isn’t very spicy, but it has a nice smoky, zesty flavor that seems to work better with their seasoned beef than their chicken. Yeah, I’m talking about you, Spicy Chicken Crunchwrap Slider. The mixing of the chipotle sauce with the nacho cheese sauce created a nice queso flavor. If you liked the Beefy Cheddar version, but wished it has a bit more flavor, then the Spicy Beefy Nacho will satisfy your taco hole.

As for the Fritos chips, despite being in flour tortilla cocoons, they were able to maintain some crunchiness. And because there aren’t a lot of ingredients to get in the way of each other, I could taste the corn and salt from the Fritos as I ate my way through each one. Thank goodness because what’s the point of having Fritos if we can’t taste the Fritos.

For a dollar, both of these new Crunchwrap Sliders are totally worth it. They prove once again that Taco Bell knows how to do cheap and tasty. Now if only the chain would add these to their regular menu.

(Nutrition Facts – Sriracha Chicken – 370 calories, 15 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 980 milligrams of sodium, 44 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 4 grams of sugar, and 15 grams of protein. Spicy Beefy Nacho – 460 calories, 25 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 1030 milligrams of sodium, 46 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, and 12 grams of protein.)

Item: Taco Bell Sriracha Chicken and Spicy Beefy Nacho Crunchwrap Sliders
Purchased Price: $1.79 each*
Size: N/A
Rating: 9 out of 10 (Sriracha Chicken)
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Spicy Beefy Nacho)
Pros: Cheap. Sriracha Chicken is way better then Spicy Chicken. The sauces. Chipotle sauce works better with seasoned ground beef than shredded chicken. Fritos chips remained somewhat crunchy.
Cons: Something so small has so much sodium. Those looking to burn their mouths will have to burn their mouths with something else. Wish the Sriracha Chicken had a bit more heat. Not cheap here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

*Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, things are a bit pricier here. You’ll probably pay less than I did.

REVIEW: Trader Joe’s Handcrafted Chocolate Raspberry Tamales

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Trader Joe’s Chocolate Raspberry Tamales

There is particular group of human beings who cannot resist a product promising a peculiar outcome. The type who must buy the exploding gumball to see their tongue turn purple. The type who invest in Netflix socks that pause one’s TV when the viewer falls asleep. The type that bids on the 1972 Pinto to see if it really explodes.* These are the humans who see uncertainties and are triggered by both an infinite curiosity and nagging stubbornness that demands, “I must find out!”

*Exploding not advised.

I am one such human. Perhaps you are, too? Being such, I was thrilled/terrified to spot these Chocolate Raspberry Tamales. Having never encountered a sweet tamale, I presume they could be wonderful. They also could be horrendous, but, as I learned when Fluffy the Cat exploded the tree in Christmas Vacation, what’s the holidays without a little strategically placed suspense?

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To wit, sweet tamales are on the reg in many regions of the world, especially in Mexico and spots of South America. They’ve been celebrated, steamed, and rustled up in variations ranging from rum raisin to dulce de leche and don’t look like they’re on any cusp of endangerment. Nonetheless, I had my hesitations. My bold and stupid hesitations.

Trader Joe’s was generous in putting instructions for steaming these in a boiling pot of water or slipping ‘em in the microwave for two minutes on half power. Wanting my journey into chocolate consumption to be swift, I opted for the microwave, buzzing one inside a damp paper towel as the apartment became infused with the smell of chocolate.

Three microwave beeps later, I unrolled the tamale from its husky shell to find what looked like a holiday fudge. Indeed, one bite was enough to convince me that someone had taken the middle of an undercooked brownie (my favorite part) and smooshed it with chocolate fudge. Avoiding the grit of hand-ground cornmeal, the masa dough is smooth and pillowy as a $2500 memory foam mattress, a texture that avoids the mealy taste of corn and allows the cocoa and semisweet chocolate to pop right out.

If this was Star Wars, those chocolate chips would be on the Dark Side. Because this is not an alternate fictional universe with evil Sith Lords, this Dark Side is for the best as the nutty, roasted coffee-like notes of the dark chocolate chips allows the sweet, fudge-like richness of the dough stand out. I’m relieved to discover that Trader Joe’s avoided the messy goop that a raspberry jelly filling might’ve entailed and instead blended the raspberries right in the dough. What they ended up with is a tamale that has hint of tart fruitiness at the end and a little warmth from the cinnamon spices they pinched in there, but, on the whole, this is all chocolate, all the time.

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No question: compared to fruitcake, this wins. Compared to the toil of making sugar cookies with festive sprinkles laboriously hand-cut into shapes of magical woodland creatures, this wins. Compared to what my mind thought this would be versus what it actually is? Oh, buddy, this wins big time, thus reinforcing, again, that the presumptions of my brain are not trustworthy.

These tamales tie in flavor with fudge, ping in with a bit of fruity variation, avoid the gloopiness of raspberry filling, and nail it on ease of preparation for a festive treat. Take note, small children: Santa Claus is coming to town and he wants some tamales, stat.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 tamale – 230 calories, 120 calories from fat, 14 grams of fat, 4 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 220 milligrams of sodium, 26 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 12 grams of sugar, and 3 grams of protein.)

Item: Trader Joe’s Handcrafted Chocolate Raspberry Tamales
Purchased Price: $3.99
Size: 4 tamales/10 oz. package
Purchased at: Trader Joe’s
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Like a gooey brownie. Melty semisweet chocolate chips. No obnoxious raspberry jelly blobs. Butter is involved. Chocolate, chocolate, all the time. Strategically placed suspense. Netflix socks.
Cons: Want to eat the whole bag. Try to expand patience by putting bag away. Still want to eat the whole bag. Limited time. Will not appease raspberry lovers. Limited time. Exploding Ford Pintos. The unfortunate demise of Fluffy the Cat.

REVIEW: Wrigley’s Hubba Bubba Hot Cocoa Bubble Gum

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Wrigley's Hubba Bubba Hot Cocoa Bubble Gum

Do you need something dark colored to put in the Christmas stocking of someone who’s been naughty? You could use coal, but the coal could get onto your hands, which could cause you to leave a fingerprint somewhere, which could lead to the naughty one figuring out it was you who left the coal in his or her stocking.

If you want something less incriminating, might I suggest using a piece of Wrigley’s Hubba Bubba Hot Cocoa Bubble Gum. Actually, you should use several because you’re not gonna want to chew on them.

The 12 pieces are individually wrapped and come in a small coin bank. The gum is also available in 5-piece packs.

The small coin bank is the best part of purchasing this gum (second best is the gum’s soft chew, but those two are it). I can store my loose change in it and when it gets full I can take it to my nearest Coinstar machine and get an Amazon or iTunes gift certificate. This paragraph was not brought to you by Coinstar.

The pieces seem smaller than Hubba Bubba that come in the standard 5-pack. Or maybe I’ve gotten much bigger since the last time I’ve had Hubba Bubba gum. But size doesn’t matter when it comes to ruining someone’s holiday by putting an unpleasant gift into one’s stocking.

Wrigley's Hubba Bubba Hot Cocoa Bubble Gum 2

Since the gum is made with real cocoa, I expected it to taste somewhat like hot cocoa. But to say the gum tastes like hot cocoa would be a lie. To say the gum taste like despair, would be more accurate, hence the reason why it makes a great coal replacement. Its flavor is part Tootsie Roll and part plastic. I hoped after a minute of chewing it would get better, but it didn’t and the flavor became mostly plastic.

At this point, it’s best to spit it out. Or if you really want to punish those who have been naughty, you could dump the chewed piece of gum into their stocking. That’ll teach ‘em a B+ is not an adequate grade.

If I want to chew something for a long time that has chocolate flavor, I’d chew on a Tootsie Roll. If I want a gum that allows me to blow decent bubbles, I would buy regular Hubba Bubba gum because these smaller pieces just don’t cut it. Yes, I could chew two pieces at one time, but having to tolerate their flavor in order to blow bubbles the size of my head isn’t worth it.

I don’t know why companies continue to make chocolate-flavored gum. Over the years, they’ve come out with several, but none have stuck around. Have you heard of Hershey’s Chocolate Bubble Yum Gum. No? I rest my case.

Having chewed a few pieces of Wrigley’s Hubba Bubba Hot Cocoa Gum for this review, I now think my holidays are a bit less brighter and I feel as if I’ve been naughty this year. Thanks, Wrigley!

(Nutrition Facts – 1 piece – 15 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 3 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of sugar, and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Wrigley’s Hubba Bubba Hot Cocoa Bubble Gum
Purchased Price: $3.99*
Size: 12 pieces
Purchased at: eBay
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Soft chew. Coin bank the gum comes in. Constar. This pro was not brought to you by Coinstar.
Cons: At first it taste like Tootsie Rolls and plastic. After a minute or two it tastes mostly like plastic. Pieces are smaller than regular Hubba Bubba. Hard to make large bubbles with it.

*Had to buy it on eBay because I couldn’t find it locally. So it’ll most definitely be cheaper if you find it in stores.

REVIEW: Limited Time Only Salted Caramel Pringles

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Limited Time Only Salted Caramel Pringles

It’s the most wonderful time of the year!

It’s time for a man with furry facial hair who’s wearing red to deliver something that will make your holidays brighter. I’m not talking about Santa. Nor am I talking about the Target pharmacy cashier who started growing his “playoff beard” early and is handing you the cold medication that makes you loopy.

I’m talking about the red bowtie-wearing Pringles guy, Julius Pringles. Or as I like to call him, J.P. Yup, we as tight as a Pringles can around my hand as I try to grab the crisps at the bottom.

It’s that time of year when J.P. brings out the sweet Pringles flavors. There’s been Pumpkin Pie Spice, White Chocolate Peppermint, Milk Chocolate, White Chocolate, Cinnamon & Sugar, and Pecan Pie. I’ve tried a number of them and my thoughts range from yum to “my holidays are slightly less brighter now.”

J.P.’s latest is Salted Caramel Pringles. It’s a flavor that was bound to happen since salted caramel, sea salt caramel, salt caramel, sea salted caramel, and all their ilk have made their way onto every snack known to human*.

*probably not accurate

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After pulling back the lid, I smelled a odd, sweet aroma. It was also familiar. The sea salt caramel seasoning is either transparent or potato crisp colored because these potato crisps look like plain old Pringles.

Remember when I said they smelled familiar? Well, there’s a reason for that. These Salted Caramel Pringles taste somewhat similar to Pecan Pie Pringles.

They taste similar because they have the same butteriness, which is the dominant flavor in both. The two flavors have a pancakes and maple syrup vibe to them, although less so with the Salted Caramel Pringles, which also have a light burst of salt. I guess sweet butteriness with some salt equates to salted caramel. These crisps also did leave my fingers smelling like eau de pancakes et syrup.

Yes, I’m smelling my fingers right now.

I liked the Pecan Pie Pringles, and since they taste like them, I also enjoyed Salted Caramel Pringles. But I’m disappointed they taste so similar. It’s as if J.P. regifted Pecan Pie Pringles.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 ounce/15 crisps – 150 calories, 80 calories from fat, 9 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 110 milligrams of sodium, 16 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, and 1 gram of protein.)

Item: Limited Time Only Salted Caramel Pringles
Purchased Price: $7.98*
Size: 5.96 oz
Purchased at: eBay
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Tastes like Pecan Pie Pringles. Being tight with J.P. It’s the most wonderful time of the year!
Cons: Tastes like Pecan Pie Pringles. I keep smelling my fingers. If you think other sweet Pringles flavors are odd, this one won’t change your mind.

*Had to buy them from eBay because I wasn’t able to find them here. So I had to pay three times what they really cost to try them.

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