REVIEW: Dairy Queen Royal Oreo Blizzard

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Dairy Queen Royal Oreo Blizzard 2

The concept of a “core” of filling is nothing new. Think of Earth, the planet which most of you who read this live on. Its core is filled with lava. Then there’s the Drumstick Ice Cream Cones that have a core of fudge or caramel among other things.

I’ve done some dabbling in this core business myself, like when I was in high school and I would pray to the green goddess, and while my lungs were still filled up with holy smoke I’d take a shot of whiskey, which would act as the core. Then I’d run to the bathroom and fill the toilet with a core of vomit.

Dairy Queen jumped on the core bandwagon with the Royal Blizzard, which is the famous Blizzard treat filled with a core of topping. There’s only three flavors currently (Rocky Road Brownie and New York Strawberry Cheesecake) but I wouldn’t be a bit surprised to see more drop.

Being in a cookie mood as opposed to a cheesecake or brownie mood, the Oreo Royal was the easy choice.

Dairy Queen Royal Oreo Blizzard

I didn’t watch them make the Blizzard and I wish I had to see how the core is injected into it, but there was a Bugs Bunny cartoon on a TV and I was drawn like a moth to a box of old clothes.

The Blizzard looks just like the normal Oreo version for the first few bites, since the core doesn’t start at the top. You have to dig a little before you strike fudge. When you do see the gooey chocolaty goodness you will feel like a miner from the California Gold Rush, only you’ll probably be better dressed and much cooler because you have an iPhone and they didn’t.

The fudge core was actually wide, which I was not expecting. All the cores in ice cream products seem to be light in total area and some really get slim at the bottom. The fudge area actually got wider as I went further into the Blizzard.

Dairy Queen Royal Oreo Blizzard 3

Now I wasn’t totally sure if the fudge was supposed to be hot or not but since it is surrounded by ice cream it gets cool and congeals, meaning you’ll have to put a little more effort when you want to spoon out a nice bite of it. Kind of reminds me of McDonald’s hot fudge sundae. If you’ve had one of those, the fudge at the bottom is what you can expect in the Blizzard. Still tastes great but would be better if it was hot.

The fudge really adds a lot more punch and richness, blends exceptionally well with the crunchy Oreo cookies, and, honestly, it made the thought of a regular Oreo Blizzard just seem kind of average. It’s like taking a shot of really good tequila and then taking a shot of well tequila right after. You would never want to touch the well tequila again. Now I’m not a regular consumer of Blizzard treats, but if I were to go back and get something with Oreo, it’s most definitely going to be the Royal variety.

(Nutrition Facts – 760 calories, 270 calories from fat, 30 grams of fat, 21 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 50 milligrams of cholesterol, 430 milligrams of sodium, 111 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 85 grams of sugars, 14 grams of protein.)

Purchased Price: $4.09
Size: Small
Purchased at: Dairy Queen
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Fudge core is good sized. Blends well with Oreo cookies. Being better dressed than a California Gold Rush miner.
Cons: Would’ve been better if fudge was hot. Shots of well tequila.

REVIEW: Trader Joe’s Uncured Bacon Jam

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Trader Joe's Uncured Bacon Jam

There has to be some mandate from Trader Joe’s corporate that gives talking points to the Hawaiian-shirted cashiers flanking the stores. The bespectacled, olive-skinned gentleman scanned all my groceries and stopped at the new-ish item, Trader Joe’s Uncured Bacon Jam.

“Have you tried this before?” he asked. This is a popular question I get when I’m not just, like, buying six handfuls of dried pasta and a gallon of Charles Shaw wine. I have also gotten “I like your shirt,” and “Why did you stare at that box of Joe Joe’s for fifteen minutes, grunt really loud, and then drop kick that bunch of bananas onto the conveyer belt?” The answer to that one is actually something reasonable about trying to look good for girls, but I have to shop at the other Trader Joe’s now.

I hadn’t tried the Uncured Bacon Jam. The man recommended toasting a sliced baguette and drizzling olive oil on it, then spreading a bit of jam on each piece during a dinner party, with a tinkling piano playing in the background, I’m sure. That sounds really nice. I went home and slathered it on some white bread with peanut butter. It was good.

I was fully prepared to hold up the container and point, declaring, “But it says ‘jam’ on the jar! Like peanut butter and jam!” in a dumb voice, but the sandwich was good. The ingredients complemented each other. In fact, I would say it’s a suitable substitute for any fruit jam use, for better or worse.

Trader Joe's Uncured Bacon Jam 2

The jam itself is spreadable meat immersed in liquid. So, that seems kinda gross. It looks a little like the contents of a sink’s garbage disposal. At first taste, it’s sweet, like any fruit jam would be. It has a baby food-texture that ends in little chewy bits of meat. The sweetness subsides and opens up a smoky, savory roundness that eventually lands on a tart aftertaste.

I ate it off a knife (and only cut my tongue a tiny bit… ladies) and it proved too sweet to eat alone. Even with some bread, anything more than a dollop was too sweet to bear. Like any other jam, a little goes a long way. One thing I did notice is that one of the main ingredients is “dark brown sugar,” which makes this more of a faux-maple bacon food item. The jam definitely needs to pair with something bold to counteract the cloying element.

Trader Joe's Uncured Bacon Jam 3

The jar itself says to add it to pizzas, burgers, sandwiches and appetizers, but I only had it in a peanut butter sandwich and with a grilled cheese. If you use a sharp cheddar/muenster combo, it helps balance the flavor profile nicely, if you don’t use too much. I can’t really think of too many other times I’m putting jam on things, though. With the bacon trend in the rearview mirror, the usefulness of this is a little in question.

Perhaps the jam is not as versatile as the jar would have you believe, but I can see how a tiny spot of this stuff would work at a dinner party with all your Trader Joe’s cashiers in attendance. They’re all sitting around the table wearing Hawaiian shirts, serving tiny paper cups of coffee and commenting on each other’s groceries. Man, I want an invite. Do you think they serve that half-popped popcorn there? And cookie butter? Oh, rainbow carrots and hummus! That’s it. I’m going to march back there and compliment them on their shirts.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 tablespoon – 45 calories, 2 grams of fat, 1 grams of saturated fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 75 milligrams of sodium, 5 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of sugar, 1 gram of protein.)

Purchased Price: $4.49
Size: 8.5 oz jar
Purchased at: Trader Joe’s
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Goes well with a peanut butter sandwich and a grilled cheese. Can be used to substitute any jam.
Cons: When do you put jam on anything? Can be a little too sweet.

REVIEW: Burger King Chicken Fries Rings

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Burger King Chicken Fries Rings

Chicken Rings.

Doesn’t that have a logical ring to it.

Sorry.

But Burger King didn’t follow my logic, they went with the convoluted name Chicken Fries Rings. I can understand their logic. These rings of chicken fall under the Chicken Fries banner, but I imagine when most folks order them they’ll call them Chicken Rings, which is what I did and the cashier knew exactly what I wanted.

So Burger King’s Chicken Fries Rings are what’s next in fast food chicken finger food technology.

Cue up Richard Strauss’ “Also Sprach Zarathustra.”

Oh, it’s not?

Cue up “Yakety Sax” to take us back to 2011 when White Castle introduced their Chicken Rings.

Burger King’s version looks exactly like White Castle’s — flat rings with a seasoned golden brown coating. They’re aerodynamic enough that if you wanted to fling them they’d probably get more airtime than a Burger King onion ring. So let the food fights begin!

Burger King Chicken Fries Rings 2

A serving has six pieces and comes with your choice of dipping sauce. I went with BK’s Zesty Sauce. I’m sure the breading and spices are the same ones used on their straight Chicken Fries, but these rings taste better. They have a stronger flavor and the spices stand out a bit more. Maybe it’s because there’s more surface area touching my tongue with each bite. I don’t know. I’m no food physicist. But I do know they have enough peppery flavor that I’d be fine eating these without a dipping sauce, which is something I can’t say about McDonald’s Chicken McNuggets.

Their exterior is not what I would consider crispy, but it’s also not soggy. When I bit into them there was a little noise, but not enough to rattle my brain with every chew. I wish these came out crispier. The white meat chicken was on the dry side, but the dipping sauce hides that.

Burger King Chicken Fries Rings 3

One issue I’ve always had with Burger King’s Chicken Fries is their lack of chicken meat. Of course, being the shape of fries makes it hard to fit a decent amount of chicken into one. But I don’t feel the same about these Chicken Rings. Their flat and round shape allows them to have about twice the amount of chicken.

Overall, I enjoyed Burger King’s Chicken Fries Rings and I do think taste-wise they’re a step above their Chicken Fries and miles above their regular chicken nuggets. But for those looking for value will probably prefer BK’s regular Chicken Nuggets, which currently are available for $1.49 for 10-pieces.

(Nutrition Facts – 310 calories, 18 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 45 milligrams of cholesterol, 1020 milligrams of sodium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of sugar, and 17 grams of protein..)

Purchased Price: $6.99 (value meal)*
Size: 6-pieces
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: They have more flavor than BK’s Chicken Fries, even though they’re made with the same breading. I’m fine with eating them without a dipping sauce. Zesty Sauce. More aerodynamic than a BK Onion Ring.
Cons: Its name. Looks like White Castle’s version. Breading isn’t very crispy. Chicken meat was on the dry side. BK’s Chicken Nuggets.

*Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, things are a bit pricier here. You’ll probably pay less than I did.

REVIEW: Hostess Brownies made with Milk Chocolate M&M’s

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Hostess Brownies made with Milk Chocolate M&M's

Dear Hostess,

Let me start by saying that I’ve always been loyal.

I’ve been eating your cakes since I first misinterpreted the song’s lyrics as “Twinkie Twinkie Little Star.” When a friend bet me $2 that I couldn’t eat an entire Ho Ho in one bite, you better believe I sucked it down like a crème-stuffed Kobayashi. Your treats even helped me escape grade school shame, as I bragged to my friends how I had a girlfriend named Suzy Q.

“You wouldn’t know her. She goes to another school!”

That’s why I’m sorry. I’m sorry that even after I resisted the smutty Nutty Bars and curvaceous Swiss Rolls of Little Debbie, that foul temptress broke my willpower with her decadent Cosmic Brownies.

I’m a sucker for sticky, artificial brownies, and your discontinued Brownie Bites left a hole in my life that only Debbie’s fudgy bricks could fill.

But it’s okay, because now you have these new brownies made with M&M’s. I understand there’s a new man in your life, but I’m going to prove that I can treat you better than that wisecracking red M&M ever could. I’m gonna eat this entire box of brownies, just like the good old days when we’d munch through pouches of Mini Muffins without a care or “suggested serving size” in the world.

Hostess Brownies made with Milk Chocolate M&M's 2

Your candy-studded brownies are shorter, but girthier than the connected LEGO bricks of Cosmic Brownies. This is good: I like a minimalistic gal. And upon first bite, I immediately remembered why I love you, Hostess.

All the grandmas of the world can heave a collective sigh of relief, because these are no replacement for homemade brownies—there’s no eggy denseness, dark cocoa complexity, or touch of vanilla. But what there is is fudge, and lots of it: way more than in any Cosmic Brownie.

Between the frosting and the hyper-crumbly base, your brownies have enough rich fudge flavor to make Fudgy the Whale fudge his pants. It’s super sweet, but also pleasantly buttery. You always did know how to butter me up, Hostess.

Your M&M’s brownies beat Debbie’s in texture, too. While hers may have a compelling chewiness, yours are more satisfyingly soft and spongy. Combined with the smooth frosting, the whole brownie feels and tastes like a cream-less Oreo Cakester with Hostess Cupcake icing.

And since I’d give up my right arm, my right to bear arms, and my beloved childhood Teddy Bear to bring Oreo Cakesters back from the snack graveyard, this comparison is a high compliment.

Hostess Brownies made with Milk Chocolate M&M's 3

Oh, and the M&M’s? They’re way better than any lame Cosmic Chips, because they’re M&M’s Minis. With a fun, crackling texture contrast and a superior shell-to-chocolate ratio that would make a normal M&M consider liposuction, the Minis provide bombshell bursts of milky sweetness in an otherwise fudge-dominated world.

There aren’t many M&M’s on top, but there are more buried down in your brownies’ deepest recesses. It’s like the old phrase says: “you can’t judge a book by its miniaturized milk chocolate morsel bedazzled cover.”

Sure, your brownies aren’t perfect: they’re too small for a satisfying snack, they make a hell of a crumb-spewing mess, and they have an uncomfortable oily aftertaste. But I’m willing to look past that if you can forgive my infidelity. I promise, my sordid affair with Deborah is over, and you and I still have many happy fudgy days ahead.

I don’t need Cosmic Brownies to have out of this world taste, Hostess. Because when it comes to highly processed snack cakes, you are my universe.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 brownie – 170 calories, 60 calories from fat, 7 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 80 milligrams of sodium, 64 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 19 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein..)

Purchased Price: $3.99
Size: 9.1. oz box/6 brownies
Purchased at: Meijer
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: A fudgy ménage à trois between candy, Cupcake, and Cakester. Deeply buried Mini M&M’s landmines. Squares so spongy that Nickelodeon might sue. Building my inevitable tomb out of fudgy bricks.
Cons: Kicking up brownie crumb dust clouds. Won’t out-Grandma your Grandma. Snack cake infidelity. Crying over old Polaroids of Oreo Cakesters.

QUICK REVIEW: Rockstar Revolt Killer Citrus Energy Drink

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For years I’ve wanted a caffeinated 7Up or Sprite. YEARS.

But despite my best efforts, which included whining under my breath to a cooler that was filled with 7Up and Sprite and begging on their Facebook pages, I haven’t had the chance to guzzle a clear lemon-lime soda with my favorite stimulant.

But that’s no longer the case thanks to Rockstar Energy and its new Revolt Killer Citrus.

Update: I forgot 7Up had dnL.

A 16-ounce can has 240 milligrams of caffeine, which, if my math is correct, is 240 milligrams more than 7Up and Sprite combined. The heart-thumping beverage doesn’t taste exactly like either big brand soda, but it does have a crisp and clean lemon-lime flavor that could easily be mistaken for a store brand soda with a name like Sprittee or 7Lemon.

I’m not sure why the can has camouflage, but I also don’t know why folks who aren’t hunters or in the military wear camouflage. Maybe it is meant for hunters and the “killer” in Killer Citrus, represents what hunters do to their prey. Also, if I had to wait all day for some deer or bird to show up, I’d need something to keep me awake too.

Also, I’m trying to figure out why it’s called “Revolt.” The word could mean rising up against something or it could mean feeling disgust. I mean, the beverage doesn’t make me feel disgusted, but why give it a name that could mean that? I dunno.

Overall, thank goodness for Rockstar’s Revolt Killer Citrus Energy Drink. Because now I don’t need to put in more than the 0.5 percent of effort I was making to help make a caffeinated lemon-lime soft drink a reality.

Purchased Price: $2.29
Size: 16 fl oz
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 8 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (8 fl oz) 130 calories, 0 grams of fat, 45 milligrams of sodium, 32 grams of carbohydrates, 32 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, 100% niacin, 100% vitamin B6, 100% vitamin B12, and 100% pantothenic acid.

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