REVIEW: Mountain House Freeze Dried New York Style Cheesecake Bites

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Mountain House Freeze Dried New York Style Cheesecake Bites

Amazon is creepy.

I search for astronaut ice cream ONE TIME on the online shopping site and the next day I get an email from them with a recommendation list of other freeze-dried snacks I might enjoy. So that is how I ended up with a bag of Mountain House’s Freeze Dried New York Style Cheesecake Bites.

And a 25-foot long outdoor extension power cord.

And a microphone.

The snack was an “Add-on item” so I had to spend $25 to get free shipping. You know how it is, Amazon Prime members.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with Mountain House, it’s a company that specializes in freeze-dried meals. It has varieties like biscuits and gravy, lasagna with meat sauce, chili mac with beef, and breakfast skillet. Just add water, wait 10 minutes, and you’ve got yourself a meal. But don’t look at it. The company also offers dessert because what better way is there to end your freeze-dried meal than with freeze-dried dessert.

Thankfully, no water is involved in order to enjoy these freeze dried cheesecake bites. Like insects to a bird, they’re ready to eat.

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Each bite is a half-inch cube and appears to have a graham cracker-like topping. They look good and crunch like a school cafeteria shortbread cookie, but they taste like nothing for the first couple chews.

Only when the pieces break down in my mouth do I get any flavor. But it doesn’t remind me of cheesecake even though there is a slight graham flavor. Instead, I instantly think of lemon cookies or lemon cake because the bites are missing that distinct level of tang cheesecake has.

Even though they don’t remind me of cheesecake, Mountain House Freeze Dried New York Style Cheesecake Bites are pleasant. I imagine they would be a nice ice cream topper, albeit an expensive one. One pouch, which is also one serving, is $3.50 on Amazon. But it’s good enough that it’s made me curious about Mountain House’s just-add-water meals.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 package – 240 calories, 120 calories from fat, 14 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 55 milligrams of cholesterol, 190 milligrams of sodium, 25 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 14 grams of sugar, and 4 grams of protein.)

Purchased Price: $3.49
Size: 1.94 oz pouch
Purchased at: Amazon
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Tastes like lemon cake or cookies. Crunchy. Eating freeze-dried desserts is cool. No refrigeration needed. Ready to eat.
Cons: Doesn’t remind me of cheesecake. First couple of chews taste like nothing. Pricey for what you get. Amazon Add-on Items.

REVIEW: Great Value Late Night Cravings Donut Cheeseburger

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Great Value Late Night Cravings Donut Cheeseburger

I’ve never wondered what a sponge that’s been used to clean a frying pan tastes like. But thanks to the grease-soaked donut used as a bun for Great Value’s Late Night Cravings Donut Cheeseburger, now I know.

You may think the paragraph above is hyperbole, but the translucent paper towels in my kitchen’s trash think otherwise. Every time I picked up the burger and put it down, the soggy cake donut made my fingers look and feel like they’re combatants in a baby oil wrestling battle royale.

If that’s not enough to encourage you to avoid this microwaveable burger, then maybe the amount of saturated fat it has will cause you to think twice. ONE burger has 90 PERCENT of your daily recommended intake of saturated fat. Not even eating one-fourth of a stick of butter will get you to 90 percent.

Now if that’s not enough to make you say “whoa” to buying this donut cheeseburger, then maybe the way it made my kitchen smell like grease and burnt meat as it was being heated up in the microwave will.

And, if not that, maybe saying the donut hole looks like a butt hole will.

Do you still want to buy it?

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I’ve made a few donut cheeseburgers over the years when the food stars align because someone happened to bring donuts to a cookout. I’ve also eaten a few microwaveable cheeseburgers because if you run a blog about processed food for over a decade, you’re bound to eat a few. Both are serviceable, but this microwaveable donut cheeseburger is not.

Besides the grease-soaked cake donut, the cheeseburger comes with a slice of American cheese, hot pepper berry bacon jam, and chopped beef steak. Yes, “chopped beef steak” appears to be a fancy name for beef patty because it tastes like a beef patty, albeit a thin, dry beef patty.

The cheese doesn’t do anything flavor-wise, but its color prevents the burger from looking even more depressing. It adds a little contrast. Without the cheese, looking at this burger’s doom and gloom colors of brown, black, purple, and grey would’ve brought me down to a level of depression that makes me wonder if I should ask a psychiatrist if Zoloft Is right for me.

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The one ingredient that gave me the most worry before putting the burger into my mouth was the hot pepper berry bacon jam. But it ended up being the least scariest ingredient of the whole burger. The topping tasted more like a sweet barbecue sauce and it, along with some sweetness from the cake donut, helped make the sandwich taste like a BBQ burger and somewhat tolerable. But it’s not enough to overcome the soggy, greasy cake donut.

As much as I didn’t enjoy Great Value’s Donut Cheeseburger, I applaud the smart, and I assume munchies-driven, folks who developed it. Creative. Yes. Will I eat the second one that came in the box? No.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 sandwich – 610 calories, 350 calories from fat, 38 grams of fat, 18 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 85 milligrams of cholesterol, 1040 milligrams of sodium, 270 milligrams of potassium, 47 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 21 grams of sugar, and 20 grams of protein.)

Purchased Price: $6.44
Size: 2 sandwiches
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Hot pepper berry bacon jam tastes like barbecue sauce. Creative.
Cons: Greasy, soggy cake donut. One has 90 percent of your daily saturated fat. Donut hole looks like a butt hole. Makes my kitchen smell like grease and burnt meat.

REVIEW: Crystal Pepsi (2016)

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Crystal Pepsi (2016)

Full disclosure: I’m a Coke person. But I like Pepsi.

The sweetness of a cherry Pepsi contrasts particularly well with the sodium bomb of an extra crispy two-piece KFC meal, flanked with a side of comfortingly bland mac and cheese. And on Friday nights before I knew anyone with a car, Pizza Hut would deliver a meat-lovers pizza to the house, accompanied by bulbous onyx two-liter tanks of soda—always Pepsi.

I just like gross, adult stuff now: Bitter, sour, spicy, stuff that tastes like medicine, Coca-Cola. I like the harsh carbonation of Coca-Cola. If we’re picking teams, I’m Team Coke. But Pepsi is fine. And I definitely got my mother to buy me Crystal Pepsi multiple times the twenty-or-so odd years ago it was available.

Crystal Pepsi is back. It’s visually striking, the label’s bold blue and red logo against a foggy clear backdrop. The nostalgia factor is enough to get one buy out of me, but even on pure aesthetics, it’s compelling. A 20-ounce bottle of regular Pepsi looks like a familiar product. A 20-ounce bottle of Crystal Pepsi looks like the absence of Pepsi. It looks naked, vulnerable, honest even. It looks like it’s missing something. And it is.

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What Crystal Pepsi lacks is the almost-metallic taste that hits the back of the throat that regular Pepsi has. It’s hard to tell if the subtraction of the caramel coloring is the reason for this, but without the light medicinal quality, it kicks the balance of the drink into being really sweet. I would say too sweet. If you took a poll of what people thought of OG Pepsi, I think a lot of the answers would be “sweet,” especially in comparison to Coke. So this is even more than that.

At first taste it has the same sugary hit of Pepsi regular. Without the complexity of the rest of Pepsi regular, though, it seems like the soda boosts into maple syrup, lip-curling sweetness territory. I would have assumed a taste test between Crystal and regular would have been at least interesting, but it’s really not difficult to tell them apart. It’s an entirely different beast. It carries the lightness of a ginger ale with the sugary ceiling of an apple juice.

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Crystal Pepsi also has a smoother finish, and the carbonation is less harsh than most other sodas, so the texture in the mouth is also not compensating for the added perceived boost in sweetness. The sugar contents compare to regular Pepsi, however, and the ingredient differences are “gum arabic” and “sodium citrate.” Sure. Who knows what that means. Crystal Pepsi does now contain caffeine, which it didn’t have in the 90’s. So for people looking for a weird ass coffee replacement, that’s good information. “Nothing better in the morning than a cheese Danish and a mug of hot Crystal Pepsi.”

With 90’s nostalgia in full swing, Pepsi is surfing the trend wave. I mean, look at that label. I can’t remember if this is how Crystal Pepsi tasted like this in the 90’s but if it did, it was too sweet then. I probably just didn’t care. I was too busy playing pogs at Taco Bell while listening to Dookie. Now I sit in my breakfast nook and do my taxes and listen to a self-made Train’s Greatest Hits. And I drink Coke. Diet Coke. You got me to buy one, Crystal Pepsi. But I think that’s all you’re gonna get.

(Nutrition Facts – 20 oz – 250 calories, 0 grams of fat, 90 milligrams of sodium, 69 grams of carbohydrates, 69 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein.)

Purchased Price: $1.89
Size: 20 fl oz
Purchased at: Walgreens
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Nostalgia factor. Nice looking label.
Cons: Too sweet.

REVIEW: Arby’s Buttermilk Chicken Cordon Bleu Sandwich

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Arby's Buttermilk Chicken Cordon Bleu Sandwich

Conceptually, I love the idea of a chicken cordon bleu sandwich. I love chicken breast filet, I love the hell out of some ham, and Swiss —- while not the best cheese, necessarily — is still a fine cheese in most circumstances. But the strange thing is, I’m not entirely certain I’ve ever had a chicken cordon bleu sandwich that I actually loved. I guess you could even say that I’ve never had one that chicken cordon bleu my mind. (Ugh. Trust me. I’m as disappointed in myself as you are.)

Anyway, I’d had the original Arby’s iteration more than once in the past, mostly because it’s not something you see often on fast food menus, and I’m a sucker for uncommon menu items. (This is the same reason I can’t wait for Taco Bell’s Grilled Stuft Lobster Burrito, which isn’t a thing, but should be.) Arby’s original CCB was mostly a harmless proposition, but decidedly unspectacular each time. I guess I kept hoping it would get better, which I think is the definition of insanity or something.

Really, it was the chicken’s fault. Crunchy and dull, the quality paled in comparison to the restaurant’s other meats. Large chunks of “breading” hard enough to crack a molar; stringy ropes of flavorless chicken low on flavor but rich in disappointment.

That’s why I was excited to hear that BUTTERMILK entered the equation. Because really, aren’t all the best chickens buttermilked at some point?

Well, it still didn’t work.

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It’s not that it was bad, really, it was just that it wasn’t good. The filet itself was bigger, juicier, and meatier than its heavily breaded predecessor, but there was a distinct lack of flavor. It was void of almost any discernible seasoning or spice. It simply existed as a big, hot chunk of meat, content to take up space between the “star top bun” which is, you know, a bun with a star shape cut into the top.

Not that the bun was bad. It also just…existed. It tasted fresh, though, and it was warm, so that was good. (I’ve often found buns to be a problem at my nearest Arby’s.)

The closest thing to a true star on this sandwich was actually what they refer to as “thinly sliced pit-smoked ham.” It was plentiful and, when removed from the totality of the sandwich, a decent balance of smoky and sweet.

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There was a nice slice of Swiss cheese — real Swiss cheese, not the White American that fast food barons typically try to sell you — but it sorta got lost in the mix. The mayonnaise was appropriately applied and provided a bit of needed tang, trying in vain to make up for the tasteless chicken breast.

Sadly, it just wasn’t enough.

Overall, it doesn’t seem that buttermilk is bringing enough to the party on Arby’s new chicken sandwiches. And that’s a shame. I was really hoping I’d found the chicken cordon bleu of my dreams, but it’s pretty clear that my quest must continue. (Or I can, you know, just go to Chick-fil-A and get a consistently tasty chicken sandwich without the bells and whistles.)

(Nutrition Facts – 690 calories, 310 calories from fat, 35 grams of fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 110 milligrams of cholesterol, 2000 milligrams of sodium, 53 grams of carbohydrates, 1 grams of dietary fiber, 7 grams of sugar, and 41 grams of protein.)

Purchased Price: $5.69 (sandwich only)
Size: N/A
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Ham was inoffensive. It was served super-hot, but I mean, there’s no guarantee that yours will be.
Cons: Bland, flavorless buttermilk chicken. Uninspired. The whole thing felt a little like they were going through the motions. Oh, one of the least healthy options on the Arby’s menu in terms of calories from fat, saturated fat, cholesterol and sodium.

REVIEW: White BOO-tterscotch M&M’s

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White BOO-tterscotch M&M's

Does anyone under the age of 60 like butterscotch besides me?

I know I instantly think of the candy dish at my Grandmother’s house, where at any given time you could treat yourself to a hard butterscotch stuck to its orange wrapper, a root beer barrel, or a button from an old sweater. On a good day you might even find a Chocolate Riesen. If you asked most kids they’d probably consider the button over the butterscotch, but I wasn’t that kid.

If you’re like me, seek help.

But also, if you’re like me, you probably wondered “what exactly is butterscotch?” I’ve had it 1000 times, but I don’t actually know what it’s made of. I’m perpetually in a state of mild inebriation, so I can’t really tell. It can’t possibly have actual scotch in it, right?

No. It’s basically just brown sugar and butter. According to trusty Wikipedia, “Butterscotch is similar to toffee, but for butterscotch the sugar is boiled to the soft crack stage, and not hard crack as with toffee.”

I guess “butterscotch” was a better name than “soft crack toffee.”

Ya know what’s a better name than “butterscotch?” BOO-terscotch!

I worry about our elderly butterscotch aficionados. These new White BOO-tterscotch M&M’s might be a bit too scary for their old hearts to take.

White BOO-tterscotch M&M’s, or “BOOMM’s” as the kids call them, are the latest Halloween tie-in from the Mars company. Not sure if you guys have seen the new commercial, but the jingle is pretty catchy – White B, double O, double T, E-R, with a SCOTCH, double M and an S. YES!

I made that up, and I can’t apologize enough for it. On to the review –>

In terms of smell, these are the most distinct M&M’s I’ve ever opened. They stink like butterscotch. Stink. I honestly can’t decide if I like it or not. It’s probably too strong, but I appreciate the fact you know what you’re in for.

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As with most of their special releases, they are about the size of Peanut Butter M&M’s. Once you crunch through the familiar, but boring fall colored shells, the inside is white chocolate.

I’ve found that white chocolate style M&M’s tend to be creamier than the normal, but don’t fret folks, they still won’t melt in your hands. Since these are fashioned after a “sucking candy,” I ate them that way, and let each piece melt in my mouth like the famous slogan goes.

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For such a strong smelling candy, the butterscotch flavor is pleasantly light. The white chocolate has a really nice flavor, and there’s a perfect marriage between that and the butterscotch. It’s distinctly there, but not so much that you have Nam-style flashbacks of Grandma’s candy dish.

The flavor is obviously different, but these put me in mind of the Candy Corn M&M’s, which I was actually a big fan of. Those are another “old people” candy that M&M’s did right. Pairing these flavors with white chocolate was a wise decision, because they mesh so well together.

Remember earlier when I made up that jingle? Sorry again. At least I didn’t shoehorn in a Ron Burgundy quote.

So yeah, these are good. They don’t specify, but I assume they’ll strictly be a fall release. They kinda limited their window with the name “BOO-tterscotch,” but I guess if they’re popular enough they can change it.

These are probably gonna find their way to Grandmother’s house this Halloween. Maybe even beyond that. Ya better watch your back, Werther’s.

(Nutrition Facts – 1.5 ounces — 210 calories, 100 calories from fat, 11 grams of total fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 40 milligrams of sodium, 29 grams of total carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 28 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein..)

Purchased Price: $3.19
Size: 8 oz bag
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Butterscotch flavor isn’t too overpowering. Creamy white chocolate. Distinctive smell. Memories of Grandma’s house. The name “Boo-tterscotch.”
Cons: Boring color tone. Specific store exclusives. Memories of Grandma’s candy dish. Potentially too scary for the elderly. Halloween gets earlier every year. So sorry about that jingle.

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