REVIEW: Snickers & Hazelnut Bar

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Snickers & Hazelnut Bar

When you think of chocolate and hazelnut, I’m sure Nutella immediately comes to mind. If not that, then surely everyone’s favorite re-gifted Christmas candy, Ferrero Rocher. But if I asked you to name something beyond that, what would you even say?

I mean sure there are fancy chocolates everywhere that feature hazelnut, but you can’t just grab one off a convenience store candy rack. That’s why I think Mars is smart to offer their Snickers & Hazelnut bar, as it fills a hole in the market you probably didn’t even realize was open. Rocher aren’t exactly sold next to the Kit Kat and Starburst at your local 7-Eleven.

That reminds me, I think I still have a rack of re-gifted Ferrero Rocher from last year that I’ll probably three-gift™ this Christmas. Nothing says “we’re not really all that close” like a plastic crate of Ferrero Rocher.

I had a fun sized regular Snickers (or nine) lying around, so I decided to stack them against the Snickers & Hazelnut Bar.

Snickers & Hazelnut Bar 3

The new bar has a different flavor profile. It’s not super different, you still know it’s a Snickers, but there are definitely some dissimilarities. In regular Snickers, the peanut is probably the flavor you taste least. It provides the crunch, but can you really pinpoint peanut flavor? The hazelnut shines most here. Even mixed with the usual peanuts, it overpowers each bite. I’d go as far to say that if they went with just hazelnuts and no peanuts, the flavor might have been over the top.

Hazelnuts are pretty distinct and I tasted them more than the chocolate and caramel, which I imagine could be undesirable to some, but I quite enjoyed it. It also marries perfectly with the nougat, which I felt was more pronounced. It could have just been the bars I had, but I also thought the texture was softer than a regular Snickers.

I refuse to say it’s better than the original version, but it’s certainly not far off. Snickers are perfection. They are right up there with Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups as candies that will forever rule the world. You simply can’t improve Snickers, but Mars certainly found a way to toss an almost equally delicious alternative at you.

Snickers & Hazelnut Bar 2

If you are a candy purist who loves the chocolate and caramel in Snickers, you may not like the hazelnut version as much, but I still think you’ll enjoy it immensely.

Seriously, Snickers are so good, they are the only candy bar that can get away with releases where they simply add bits of another type of nut. Snickers with almond were good. Snickers with mixed nuts were better. I’m anxiously awaiting the Snickers & Macadamia Bar. Snickers & Cashew would probably be great. What about Snickers & Pecan? Snickers & Filbert? I’m not sure I even know what a filbert is, but bring it on.

And in case you’re wondering, Snickers & Hazelnut tastes better than a crispy Ferrero Rocher. Give me a few of these for Christmas instead and I won’t have to feign my appreciation. You won’t have to shell out as much cash for the “decadence” of fancy gold foil.

So if you’re hungry, why wait? You probably shouldn’t wait.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bar – 240 calories, 100 calories from fat, 11 grams of fat, 4 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 115 milligrams of sodium, 31 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 26 grams of sugar, and 4 grams of protein..)

Purchased Price: 78 cents
Size: 1.76 oz
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Hazelnut is the star of the show. Nougat tastes more pronounced. Slightly softer texture than regular Snickers. Snickers branching out with more nut varieties. Three-gifting™.
Cons: Chocolate and caramel flavors not quite as strong. The lack of “easy” chocolate and hazelnut candy bars. Lazy Ferrero Rocher gifters. Why aren’t Nutella candy bars in every store?

REVIEW: Subway Pumpkin Spice and Apple Pie Cookies

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Subway Pumpkin Spice and Apple Pie Cookies

Every fall I can count on two things: 1) Nick Saban and Alabama will absolutely obliterate every football team in the SEC. 2) Pumpkin spice food products will be thrusted in my face at every grocery store, restaurant, and fast food sandwich shop in America.

Yes, sandwich shop. Thanks to the ubiquitous up-sell of the 60-cent Subway cookie, the most popular flavor of the fall can help you forgot how mediocre your lunch was.

I like to think of pumpkin spice as the flavor version of Alabama’s football dynasty. The hype is everywhere and, for the most part, the hype is deserved. Sure, the Crimson Tide might trip up once a year, just like how we’ll get a dud like Pumpkin Spice M&M’s every once in awhile, but for the most part, pumpkin spice is unstoppable.

In a lot of ways, the rise of pumpkin spice has correlated with the decline of apple pie, autumn’s previously unstoppable flavor, that’s also a new Subway cookie flavor. You might think of apple pie as the Miami of flavors: Once a shoo-in to compete for a national title, but it’s now a run-of-the-mill ACC middleweight that loses to a depleted Notre Dame team.

It’s pretty much the same when it comes to Subway’s cookies.

Subway Pumpkin Spice and Apple Pie Cookies 2

Like Alabama’s balanced offense and stifling defense, the Subway Pumpkin Spice Cookie was seemingly flawless. Textually, the edges were crunchy and the interior was chewy with strong notes of ginger and molasses dominating each bite. The cookie tasted like a ginger snap on steroids. The white confectionery chips added vanilla-flavored bursts of sweetness throughout the cookie, while the sweet taste of cinnamon lingered on my tongue even after I finished the cookie. If there’s one downside it’s that the cookie tastes more like a chewy ginger snap than a pumpkin cookie.

Subway Pumpkin Spice and Apple Pie Cookies 3

The Apple Pie Cookie is not nearly as good as the pumpkin spice one. If we’re talking football, it loses by at least three touchdowns. The Apple Pie Cookie was much sweeter and, like Miami Hurricanes football during the early 2000s, it’s a sexy cookie on the outside. How can it not be with “naturally sweetened” apple chunks baked right into the dough? Yet like the Hurricanes dynasty coming undone, it’s got too many bells and whistles to work. The taste of clove and nutmeg is far too floral, while the sweetened apple chunks taste like someone freeze-dried applesauce. The texture of the chunks is off-putting and hyper sweet, and the entire cookie doesn’t really taste like pie.

Is pumpkin spice’s dominance over the seasonal flavor world annoying? Maybe, but like Alabama’s continued destruction of college football parity, it’s pretty incredible. Subway’s Pumpkin Spice Cookie only adds to that legacy, and is far and away a better end to a mediocre sub than the Apple Pie cookie.

(Nutrition Facts – Not available.)

Purchased Price: 60 cents (each)
Size: N/A
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Pumpkin Spice)
Rating: 5 out of 10 (Apple Pie)
Pros: Pumpkin spice cookie has a wonderfully complex texture that’s crunchy on the edges and chewy in the center. Deep, warm sweetness of molasses mixed with ginger, butter, and vanilla.
Cons: Pumpkin Spice cookie lacks deep pumpkin flavor. Cream Cheese chunks would have been better than “confectionery chips”. Apple Spice cookies tastes like what I’d imagine an apple pie air freshener to taste like. Unnatural tasting natural apple chunks.

REVIEW: Limited Edition Triscuit Pumpkin & Spice Crackers

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Limited Edition Triscuit Pumpkin & Spice Crackers

Call me basic, but I am all about the pumpkin spice craze. However, when I first heard about Triscuit’s attempt to sit at the pumpkin spice table, I was completely taken aback by Pumpkin & Spice. Please carefully note that strategically placed ampersand, you hipsters.

As I was opening the box, I was wondering to myself what Pumpkin & Spice even meant. Is it sweet? Spicy? Savory? I had no idea what to expect so I was imagining worst case scenarios of it tasting like a Yankee Candle or overzealous holiday potpourri.

I was disappointed that the box smelled mainly like cardboard with a hint of nutmeg & cinnamon (see what I did there with the ampersand?). In case you ever want to season your cardboard, nutmeg & cinnamon really complements the smell of cardboard! The crackers themselves just looked like a regular Triscuit in all its beautiful whole grain glory that could’ve been woven by Rumpelstiltskin himself.

Limited Edition Triscuit Pumpkin & Spice Crackers 2

The first bite was a subtle brown sugar, cinnamon-y crunch. After a few more crunches, it just tasted like a regular Triscuit. To test for flavor consistency, I continued eating. Half a box later (whoops!), I concluded that it was just a regular Triscuit with a dusting of pumpkin spice and sugar. Meh. It wasn’t offensive, but not as tasty as regular Triscuit (my record is a whole box in under 15 minutes.) Plus, because it’s so subtle, it was like the sweetness started to become less and less noticeable the more I ate.

Triscuit is always pushing itself as an appetizer to be topped with garnishes, so I had to try it. The box’s “3 steps to Delicious” panel comprises of gouda cheese, cranberry sauce and sage leaves but ain’t nobody got time for that! I slapped some cheddar cheese on it because cheddar’s mildness works with everything…except Pumpkin & Spice. While the sweetness is subtle as previously mentioned, I just couldn’t get past the sugary notes. Triscuit are supposed to be savory!

If you stuck these with these a batch of regular Triscuit at a party, no one would be able to tell the difference. People would probably just assume the sweetness came from cross-contamination from neighboring appetizers. As a result of its lackluster attempt, Pumpkin & Spice definitely doesn’t get to sit at the pumpkin spice table. Back to the kids’ table with Pumpkin Spice Twinkies and Pumpkin Spice Milano Cookies, Triscuit!

(Nutrition Facts – 6 crackers – 120 calories, 3.5 grams of fat, 80 milligrams of sodium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of sugar, and 3 grams of protein.)

Purchased Price: $2.99
Size: 9 oz box
Purchased at: Kroger
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Didn’t taste like a candle or holiday potpourri! Same Triscuit texture and addictiveness.
Cons: Weak attempt to cash in on the pumpkin spice craze. Triscuit are supposed to be savory!

REVIEW: Hostess Limited Edition Pumpkin Spice Twinkies

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Hostess Limited Edition Pumpkin Spice Twinkies

Is that photo on the Hostess Limited Edition Pumpkin Spice Twinkies box supposed to be appetizing?

My goodness, it’s like watching meat come out of a meat grinder. Or a pig being born. Or Vienna sausage being made. It’s like staring at potted meat. Don’t know what potted meat is? For all that is holy, DON’T LOOK IT UP!

The thing is, in real life, the filling doesn’t quite look like mangled flesh. It has a very light pink hue with red specks. But it’s so light that in some lighting situations it looks grey. So I guess this is one of those cases where what it actually looks like is better looking than what’s on the packaging, but barely.

The filling is supposed to remind you of pumpkin pie. When I closed my eyes, I’m reminded of POTTED MEAT! That image on the box has burned itself onto my brain. Now I feel as if I should go stare at Spam to get the image of potted meat out of my head.

Hostess Limited Edition Pumpkin Spice Twinkies 2

Of the spices you’d find in pumpkin pie, the only one listed in the ingredients is cinnamon. Of course, there’s natural and artificial flavoring that fill in for the other spices, but I’m glad Hostess spent a little scratch to include real cinnamon. But even with real cinnamon, it doesn’t have have a pumpkin spice flavor that pops. It doesn’t have a flavor that makes me say, “Hey honey, you know that whole tradition of eating pumpkin pie at Thankgiving? Let’s forget that and replace them with these Twinkies.”

But if you were celebrating National Cinnamon Day (a day that, surprisingly, with all the fake food holidays, doesn’t exist) these Twinkies would be an awesome way to get your Cinna-on.

One last thing about the flavor, there’s an artificial sweetener aftertaste even though there aren’t any listed in the ingredients. It reminded me of the taste in my mouth after eating a pumpkin spice-flavored light yogurt.

As for the “golden sponge cake,” it tasted like a regular Twinkie, but something seemed different about its texture. Maybe they weren’t as spongy as I remember. Maybe I got a bad batch. Maybe the box I bought was around since last year. Or maybe Twinkie the Kid is cutting corners so that he has extra money to buy whatever drug he smokes/snorts/shoots that makes him so damn happy all the damn time. I don’t know. Although its texture was different, the cake had that same Twinkies greasiness that we all know and love not to get on our hands because it will get all over our smartphone screens.

Overall, Hostess’ Limited Edition Pumpkin Spice Twinkies are okay if you’re into cinnamon or light pumpkin spice yogurts, but eating them won’t be a yearly tradition for me.

(Nutrition Facts – 2 cakes – 260 calories, 70 calories from fat, 8 grams of fat, 4 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 35 milligrams of cholesterol, 350 milligrams of sodium, 44 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 28 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.)

Item: Hostess Limited Edition Pumpkin Spice Twinkies
Purchased Price: $2.97
Size: 10 cakes
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Cinnamon-y. Looks better in real life than on the packaging.
Cons: Pumpkin spice flavor doesn’t pop; it’s almost all cinnamon. Sponge cake had a weird texture; not as spongy. Artificial sweetener aftertaste. Image of creme on the box looks unappetizing. Getting Twinkies grease on our phone screens. Potted meat haunting me.

REVIEW: Mtn Dew Mango Heat Game Fuel

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Mtn Dew Mango Heat

If you asked me to write down the flavors that remind me of October, I assure you that “mango” and “spicy heat” would both fall pretty low on that list, right there near the bottom with “overcooked pork chop,” “accidentally ingested Reese’s wrapper,” and “neighborhood bully knuckle sandwich.”

There’s really no logical reason for Mountain Dew’s new Mango Heat Game Fuel to debut after summer, unless the titular flavors are meant to symbolize global warming and all the unsold overstock from Trader Joe’s recent mango mania. I understand that Mango Heat doesn’t need to make sense, since it’s only meant to tie-in with the upcoming video game Titanfall 2, but as a meticulous Halloween fanatic, I want everything I consume this month to taste appropriately spooktacular.

It’s why every steak I eat in October oozes blood, every pizza is extra saucy, and every PB&J has enough J to create an impressive splash zone around me when I bite into it.

So Mountain Dew should’ve just tied this drink to the new Resident Evil zombie game and called it “Blood Orange Game Fuel.” Because as I quickly found out, that’s what it tastes like, too.

Mtn Dew Mango Heat 2

Amidst the wails of my Spooky Sounds cassette tape and the annoyed groans of my upstairs neighbors, the fine carbonated hiss of my Dew became a welcome part of the spooky symphony. But nothing about my first sip screamed “mango!” to me. Instead, it tasted like a carbonated Hi-C Ecto-Cooler.

More specifically, it tasted like Mountain Dew took a carbonated Ecto Cooler, added a splash of Sunny D, tossed in a dash of black pepper, and mixed it all together—by using a Mango Dum-Dum sucker as the swizzle stick. In layman’s tastes, this means Mango Heat’s predominate flavor is “sugary artificial orange,” with a mildly biting tang and an even milder tropical fruitiness.

While its lack of mango is already lame enough to make an ordinary man go nuts, this Dew’s peppery heat is the disappointing icing on an already sad birthday cake—the kind of cake that misspells my name as “Don.” The promised heat isn’t spicy or burning: it’s just kind of annoying. After every sip, a tingling, unflavored aftertaste tickled the back of my throat like one of those sneezes that teases but never comes.

I tried swishing the Mango Heat around in my mouth to test for deeper flavor complexities, but this merely spread the Dew’s unpleasant slimy corn syrupiness around my mouth and made my dentist shudder in his sleep without knowing why.

Mtn Dew Mango Heat 3

Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with this Dew’s angsty tangerine juice box flavor. Its “liquefied Velma Scooby-Doo fruit snacks” taste is perfectly pleasant when sipped in isolation. Yet I can’t but help compare Mango Heat to its similar-tasting Game Fuel brother: Citrus Cherry. Since Citrus Cherry is also back in stores, I wish Mountain Dew had been more experimental with this new Game Fuel flavor.

With a color as atomically orange as Mango Heat’s, Mountain Dew could’ve made a vanilla-tinged Orange Creamsicle Dew or a BuzzFeed-breaking Pumpkin Spice Dew. Heck, I would’ve even accepted a nationwide release of 2014’s legendary, nacho cheese-flavored “Dewritos” soda. It’s the most deviant time of year, yet Mountain Dew tried to play it a little too safe.

Mtn Dew Mango Heat 4

If you really like Hi-C’s Ecto-Cooler or Orange Lavaburst, Mtn Dew Mango Heat might still tickle your fancy as much as it does your trachea. The rest of us are better off using it as a glowing Halloween mood talisman.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bottle – 170 calories, 0 grams of fat, 100 milligrams of sodium, 46 grams of carbohydrates, 46 grams of sugar, and 0 grams of protein..)

Purchased Price: $1.69
Size: 20 fl oz bottle
Purchased at: Kroger
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: A stinging high-five between an Orange Starburst and a pissed-off glass of Sunny D. A soda the color of melted jack-o-lanterns. Using carbonation for atmospheric effect. Ordering an “extra large, extra bloody” pizza from Papa John’s. Never having the chance to masochistically taste “Dewritos.”
Cons: Mango flavor that’s as faded as my summer memories. A heated aftertaste that’s as irritating as YouTube’s Annoying Orange. A palette-swapped Citrus Cherry doppelgänger. PB&J stains on my best white shirt. Unknowingly eating the brown wrapper on every Reese’s Cup until I was six (seriously).

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