REVIEW: Milka Oreo Big Crunch Bar

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Milka Oreo Big Crunch Bar

This morning I cracked open a fortune cookie (I tend to eschew traditional breakfasts for whatever happens to be in my car). The fortune read “All progress occurs because people dare to be different.” It made me ponder if the fortune tellers had encountered the Oreo Big Crunch Bar, as the product’s differences from its namesake served as deterrents to my enjoyment.

Milka Oreo Big Crunch Bar 2

My expectations for a “Big Crunch” were set immediately due to the naming contrivances employed. In the wake of snagging mini chocolate bars from my kids’ Halloween stashes last month, I felt foolish sitting alone in a room with this massive product — it was clearly meant to be consumed by a lacrosse team or a car full of clowns. Big, and then some, and then some more.

Milka Oreo Big Crunch Bar 4

Conversely, I’m not quite sure about the crunch factor also used in the product’s moniker. The 2 to 1 ratio we are accustomed to with Oreo cookies has been replaced with a 1 to 4 ratio — Milka chocolate on the top and bottom, plus creme on BOTH the bottom and top of one layer of cookie. To further uncrunchify the bar, pools of creme and chocolate sans cookie occur in the corners.

One additional misconception furthered by the partnership with Oreo is that the creme inside the candy bar is going to be the same found in an Oreo. The familiar grainy texture has been replaced with something sweeter, smoother, and unfamiliar. It’s not bad but certainly unexpected.

Milka Oreo Big Crunch Bar 3

Differences aside, the first bites of Oreo BCB were enjoyable. It reminded me of an improved version of my least favorite Oreo incarnation, the insanely sweet White Fudge covered Oreos. Here the ratio of chocolate did not appear to be as overwhelming at first and had a pleasant taste, but consuming more lead quickly to sweetness fatigue.

Overall, this was probably not the reaction that Milka was hoping for when combining two hallmark products. Lacking in crunch or Oreo-ness, being big just isn’t enough. “One must fulfill what they intend to be” is the more telling fortune in this case, and Milka seems to have missed by quite a bit on that prophesy.

(Nutrition Facts – 5 pieces – 230 calories, 130 calories from fat, 14 grams of saturated fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 90 milligrams of sodium, 24 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of of fiber, 20 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.)

Purchased Price: $2.99 (on sale)
Size: 10.5 oz. bar
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Hulking size. Improvement on Fudge-covered Oreo concept. Some Cookies N’ Cream overtones. The best fortune I ever read: “You like Chinese food.”
Cons: Crunch is suppressed. Creme is not “that” creme. Far sweeter than necessary. The worst fortune I ever made up: “Those who can cook, do. Those who cannot write food reviews.”

REVIEW: Papa John’s Pan Pizza

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Papa John's Pan Pizza 2

Let’s have some real talk about my relationship with Papa John’s.

I’ve been walking the Papa John’s beat for TIB for some years now. New menu item, new toppings – if it’s got that new car, er, pizza smell, I’m on it.

But this doesn’t mean I have some sort of love affair with Papa John’s. You know what I do have a love affair with? Laziness. If every item I wanted to review could be delivered to my door in 40 minutes, I would be very rich in Oreos and very, very poor in dollars.

But there’s no “weird Oreo flavor of the month” delivery service (yet), so instead I find myself reviewing a lot of weird pizza. And that seems to mean reviewing a lot of Papa John’s.

This time around, Papa John’s isn’t doing anything weird. In fact, they’re coming out with something that’s a bit of a classic: the pan pizza.

Papa John's Pan Pizza

Look at that fancy pants box. Or should I say, fancy PANS box. Anyways, Papa John stands smugly in the upper-right corner of the box, compelling you to marvel at his black-and-gold special pizza box that tries to look for all the world like a package of Magnum Ice Cream Bars. Seducing. Beckoning. Pizza.

I always thought that pan pizza was the same thing as deep dish pizza, because I had no culture. I’ve since learned myself, but I actually had to look up what pan pizza really is. What it boils down to is that, instead of being hand-tossed, the pizza is baked in an oiled pan with the dough just sort of shoved up against the edges, resulting in a thicker crust with crispy edges.

Or, as Papa John puts it, “Why do we bake it in a pan? Because it bakes our fresh dough into a thick, hearty crust that’s light and fluffy with crispy edges and cheesy caramelized goodness.”

Since it’s all about the crust here, I’m going to ignore the toppings. (For the record, I chose the Pan John’s Favorite.)

I’mma be real with you – Papa John’s hand-tossed crust is not my favorite. It always seems a little undercooked to me. That said, their pan crust is a study in contradictions.

Papa John's Pan Pizza 4

On the one hand, the outer crust was definitely crispy and somewhat buttery – I enjoyed those aspects of it much more than a regular Papa John’s crust. Also, the cheese goes all the way to the edge, so I didn’t feel like I was left with a half-cooked breadstick at the end of my slice of pizza. The crust under the toppings was chewy without being soggy – also good.

But then there was the flavor. Papa John’s says that the dough is made fresh and with only seven ingredients: flour, extra virgin olive oil, cold-filtered water, sugar, salt, yeast, and oil. Yet, there was an odd, artificial flavor that I couldn’t quite pin down. Given that none of the ingredients are actually artificial, the best I could come up with was the flavor of spoiled oil. If this was the case, then maybe I just got a bad pie?

Papa John's Pan Pizza 3

Papa John’s came so close to giving me a crust I really enjoyed with their Pan Pizza – crispy, crunchy, buttery edges that didn’t even need the included dipping sauce that I usually require in order to ingest the crust of their pizza. But then they went and gave it some weird undertone of flavor that made me feel like I was eating something that wasn’t quite right. So close, Papa, so close.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 slice – 290 calories, 160 calories from fat, 18 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 35 milligrams of cholesterol, 870 milligrams of sodium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, 12 grams of protein..)

Purchased Price: $12.00
Size: 12” pizza
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Not left with a doughy breadstick crust. Fancy, seductive box. Crispy edges. Toppings to all the way to the edge.
Cons: All food should be available for delivery at all times. The artificial/spoiled flavor taints the whole pizza. Only available in one (pretty small) size.

REVIEW: Wendy’s Bacon Sriracha Fries

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Wendy’s Bacon Sriracha Fries

By now, we all know Wendy’s can do bacon right. But how well can they implement sriracha sauce in their tried-and-true menu favorites?

Unfortunately, Wendy’s latest special edition side dish kinda’ falls in that unhappy middle ground between slightly above average and good-but-not-really-remarkable. And in today’s hyper-competitive fast food French fry variation wars, the only thing worse than being bad is being just sorta’ OK.

The fries come doused in a thick goulash of melted cheddar cheese sauce, shredded cheddar, chopped up Applewood-smoked bacon, and a sprinkling of sweet chili sauce-imbued aioli. From the get-go, the biggest problem is that the dish just doesn’t taste sriracha-y enough. The flavor is there, but it’s way too muted. In fact, it’s so faint that at first, you don’t even realize sriracha sauce is in the mix. It just tastes like some random (and fairly generic) hot sauce.

Problem two are the fries themselves. They’re just too thin and way too salty, and strangely, they don’t do a very good job of absorbing the sriracha cheese and bacon juice flavors, either.

Wendy’s Bacon Sriracha Fries 2

But there are some positives. The cheddar cheese sauce is very thick and flavorful, and if you stir the mixture around enough you do start to pick up a more noticeable sriracha taste. The absolute best aspect of the dish, however, is the bacon. Wendy’s is rightly considered the go-to fast food place for bacon junkies, and the pieces in this new L-T-O offering are huge, plump, juicy, and super-duper crispy.

Essentially, what you are getting is the chain’s standard Baconator Fries with a meager, almost unnoticeable splash of sriracha. It’s all quite flavorful and fairly filling, but the aioli is just too weak to go out of your way to experience.

And one final word of warning: this stuff is so greasy you’re probably going to need twice as many napkins as your local Wendy’s has in stock. Take heed, potential consumers: Wet-Naps are strongly encouraged for this one.

(Nutrition Facts – 600 calories, 350 calories from fat, 39 grams of fat, 11 grams of saturated fat, 45 milligrams of cholesterol, 1110 milligrams of sodium, 47 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, and 14 grams of protein.)

Purchased Price: $1.99
Size: N/A
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: An absolute ton of bacon. A very savory cheddar cheese sauce. Eating fries out of plasticware that looks like something out of a 1970s sci-fi movie.
Cons: The sriracha flavor is almost undetectable. A bit too much salt on the fries. Getting half a pound of grease on your palms just opening the container.

REVIEW: Limited Edition Lay’s Wavy Milk Chocolate Covered Potato Chips with Almond Bits

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Limited Edition Lay's Wavy Milk Chocolate Covered Potato Chips with Almond Bits

Are chocolate covered potato chips a snack or dessert? This is a serious life question. Dessert has my vote, although you could certainly make the case for either.

For me, the automatic draw to the Lay’s Wavy Milk Chocolate Covered Potato Chips with Almond Bits was the fact it was covered in chocolate. Sadly, though, that’s the peak of the excitement.

Limited Edition Lay's Wavy Milk Chocolate Covered Potato Chips with Almond Bits 2

There were three major bummers when I opened the bag.

  1. These Lay’s lived up to the classic chip/pretzel stereotype where the bag looks full but in reality it’s not. This one was about 1/4 of the bag full and the rest was good old zero calorie air. Strike One.
  2. The chocolate didn’t even cover the entire potato chip, unless the chip was on the smaller side. Strike Two.
  3. Where were all the almond bits? They might as well have been non-existent, both on the chip and in taste. But we’ll get to taste in a minute. Strike Three.

And to throw in a fourth: The serving size on these puppies is super small. Five chips? I definitely could polish off the whole bag.

I still wanted to give them a fair chance despite the aforementioned bummers. The best part about these chips is the chocolate. It’s pretty darn good. The chocolate covering the chips is pretty thick. But there’s such an overwhelming taste of chocolate that I had a hard time even tasting the chip. The chips were not crunchy, and I didn’t get a hint of salt until the fifth chip in. And the fact that they are wavy Lays doesn’t even matter – you couldn’t even tell thanks to the chocolate.

Limited Edition Lay's Wavy Milk Chocolate Covered Potato Chips with Almond Bits 3

Remember those almond bits? Yeah, I don’t either. I couldn’t get a distinct taste from even the few that I did see. Basically, if I wanted the same experience, I’d just have a Hershey’s chocolate bar.

I wanted to love these. I really did. While I did love the chocolate, I can’t help but feel that chip and chocolate’s marriage just isn’t working out and I’m not sure who should get the almond bits in the divorce.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 oz (about 5 chips) – 160 calories, 80 calories from fat, 9 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, less than 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 45 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 12 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein..)

Purchased Price: $3.99
Size: 4 3/4 oz. bag
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Chocolate. Enough said.
Cons: Lack of almond bits, lack of chip prominence, lack of crunch. Not enough chips in the bag to make the $3.99 price tag worth it.

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Cinnamon Frosted Flakes

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Kellogg's Cinnamon Frosted Flakes

As far as I’m concerned, Tony the Tiger is going through something of an identity crisis. Not only has Kellogg’s changed his look to be more “accessible” (like a talking Tiger was accessible to begin with), but his parent company has been rolling out all kinds of flavor variations.

On one hand, I guess Cinnamon Frosted Flakes shouldn’t surprise us. Both Tigers and Cinnamon are native to Bangladesh, and having already cycled through marshmallows, chocolate, and marshmallows and chocolate, it makes sense for Kellogg’s to hit us with a subliminal geography lesson. I wasn’t crazy about Chocolate Frosted Flakes with Marshmallows, nor did scream gr-r-reat! for the now-defunct Frosted Flakes with Energy Clusters.

So I’ve got good reason to be skeptical of the addition of cinnamon to Frosted Flakes. I say this with 28 years of cereal eating under my belt, literally. Despite the popularity of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, cinnamon-only flavored cereals don’t have a good track record. Cinnamon Burst Cheerios lasted for all of two seconds, while Cinnamon Jacks, Cinna-Crunch Pebbles, and a host of other cinnamon cereals have been relegated to the lonely eulogies written on MrBreakfast.com.

I do not join these individuals in mourning.

Kellogg's Cinnamon Frosted Flakes 2

If anything, cinnamon can be overpowering if applied in the wrong context, which is exactly the case with Cinnamon Frosted Flakes. The cinnamon flavor is floral and spicy, somewhere between the flavor of cinnamon gum and the aroma of a cinnamon-scented candle. The weird thing is that it takes a second to activate, and when it does, it’s more of an aroma and sensation than a taste.

And boy is it strong.

The characteristic sweetness of Frosted Flakes is still there, but before the sweetness dissipates, it’s overwhelmed by the authentic cinnamon flavor. The problem isn’t that it doesn’t taste like cinnamon; the problem is that it tastes too much like cinnamon, so much that the malted sweetness and slight corn flavor that are present in Frosted Flakes get lost.

Kellogg's Cinnamon Frosted Flakes 3

The effect is not so extreme in milk, but that in and of itself doesn’t make Cinnamon Frosted Flakes desirable. There’s a decent cinnamon run-off into the milk, and the trademarked soggy corn sweetness of Frosted Flakes is still there, but the flavors of frosted flakes and cinnamon just don’t go together.

Clearly, something isn’t working in the grand scheme of Tony the Tiger’s life. The thing is, I have no idea why this is, except to suggest that this is some kind of mid-life cereal crisis that doesn’t need to be. We can all agree that Frosted Flakes are gr-r-reat!, but frankly, the new flavors, including Cinnamon Frosted Flakes, are really just “oh-oh-oh-kay.”

(Nutrition Facts – 29 grams – 110 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 mg of cholesterol, 150 mg of sodium, 26 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 10 grams of sugars, and 1 gram of protein.)

Purchased Price: $3.98
Size: 26.8 oz. box
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Authentic and floral cinnamon flavor in every spoonful. Better than the now defunct Simply Cinnamon Corn Flakes. Subliminal geography lessons.
Cons: Cinnamon flavor dominates the subtle malt and corn flavors of the flakes. Like eating a cinnamon-flavored candle. More an aroma than a true flavor. Lacks the buttery “toasted” flavors of Cinnamon Toast Crunch or Cinnamon Chex.

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