Reviews – Page 492 – The Impulsive Buy

REVIEW: Doritos Blazin’ Buffalo & Ranch

Tiffany / January 24, 2017 / Reviews / 6 Comments

Doritos Blazin’ Buffalo & Ranch is like a ghosting ex-boyfriend/girlfriend – the one that keeps popping in and out of your life at inopportune moments.

It all started back on that fateful day several years ago when the baby blue packaging caught my eye. I thought to myself, “Wow, who dares rock baby blue that’s not Lay’s Sea Salt & Vinegar. Bold, I like it.”

After just one taste I was hooked, but just as quickly as it appeared, Blazin’ Buffalo & Ranch disappeared. And, it clearly had many mistresses because everyone has been looking. There’s even a petition going around to try to lock Blazin’ Buffalo & Ranch in permanently. Other chips have come and gone in my life, like Doritos JACKED Ranch Dipped Hot Wings Chips, but it just isn’t the same.

But, hindsight is always 20/20 – memories of past relationships always seem a little rosier than they actually were. And that’s exactly how I felt when we were finally reunited. Overall, I don’t think Frito Lay/Doritos did anything differently, I just grew up.

I spotted the baby blue bag at the way, way bottom of the towering chips shelf. As I crouched down to pick it up, my heart skipped a beat. Ugh, why now?! Just as I was getting over Doritos and moving onto other better-for-me options.

On the outside, it looked the same – that same baby blue. Packaging off, it looked better than I remembered. Unlike its previous seasoning splotches, the chips were generously coated with red seasoning. It made it look very similar to its brother, the Nacho Cheese flavor.

The first crunch was like sweet, sweet revenge. But, I quickly realized it really just tasted like Cool Ranch Doritos. As I continued enjoying, I got a small kick reminiscent of Doritos Salsa Verde.

But that’s about it.

Buffalo flavor? Non-existent.

Blazin’? Nope.

There was a spicy afterglow but again no more than the kick from Doritos’ other “spicy” flavors.

Of course, I should’ve also suspected that the generous seasoning would leave a mess after. My fingers were covered in red powder like I had been hanging out with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. After cleaning my fingers off, I proceeded to chug 16 ounces of water at record speed. It tasted extra salty even though the sodium contents are about in-line with other Doritos flavors. Odd.

Doritos Blazin’ Buffalo & Ranch, it’s been real but I won’t be signing the petition to get you permanent status any time soon. There are plenty of other fish – or in this case, chips – in the sea.

(Nutrition Facts – 11 chips – 150 calories, 70 calories from fat, 8 grams of fat, 1 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 190 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, 1 grams of dietary fiber, less than 1 gram of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.)

Purchased Price: $2.50
Size: 10 oz. bag
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Well-seasoned compared to previous batches – beyond that, Frito Lay/Doritos kept it true to the original.
Cons: Really just tastes like Cool Ranch + Salsa Verde. No buffalo flavor. Not blazin’. Messy – fingers covered in red powder.

REVIEW: Keebler Cereal

Leonard / January 23, 2017 / Reviews / 2 Comments

Those crafty Keebler elves!

Not content with just a good portion of the snack aisle (they make Town House crackers, too?!) or hollowing out trees for mass cookie production, they have decided to expand their reach by entering my morning time with the debut of their eponymous cereal. They are so excited by it, actually, it doesn’t need any wildly descriptive title as it is simply just called Keebler Cereal.

Thank goodness the packaging shows the actual product so you know that it is chocolatey cookie based like their Chips Deluxe line rather than Sandies shortbread. PHEW! However, there is a red flag on the top flap noting that I need to “SHAKE IT UP!” as the “Cookies may have settled.” Uh-oh. Upon opening the box it is worse than I imagined as there is nary a cookie in sight even after examining all sides of the inside bag.

After a good, hearty shake the “real mini chocolate chip cookies” do reveal themselves as promised but the ratio is off. They are present but not predominantly and this is in addition to the fact that they are nearly half the size of the chocolatey puff pieces they are paired with. I wonder what kind of math curriculum the elves have in school because whatever it is it needs to be reevaluated.

The taste of the cookies is okay with a nice milk chocolate richness that definitely comes through upon chewing, even though they are probably better suited for a snack mix than a breakfast cereal. The other pieces are mediocre, just kind of generic chocolate puffs that are very similar to those in other kid’s cereals. They remind me of the bagged bargain ones you have to buy on the bottom shelf while waddling like a penguin through the aisle as the memorable commercial dictated.

Eating the cereal with milk offers a better experience as you get a nice blast of chocolate every time you stumble upon one of the cookies amongst the puffs. However, I noticed that while eating my way through the bowl there seemed to be even fewer cookies than I had started with.

I did a test by putting one cookie and one puff in milk and stirring vigorously. Upsettingly, the cookie started to dissolve while the puff stayed intact. I was expecting Keebler magic, but not like this!!!

Better luck next time elves.

(Nutrition Facts – 3/4 cup – 130 calories, 30 calories from fat, 3.5 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 140 milligrams of sodium, 24 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 11 grams of sugar, and 2 gram of protein.)

Purchased Price: $5.39
Size: 11.2 oz. box
Purchased at: ShopFoodEx.com
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Rich chocolate flavor from real cookies. Keebler venturing into other grocery aisles.
Cons: Questionable elf math skills. Boring chocolate puff pieces that make me think about waddling like a penguin in a grocery store. Unintended cookie disappearing acts.

Cereal Keebler Kellogg's

REVIEW: Limited Edition Watermelon and Cherry Haribo Gold-Bears

Margaret / January 20, 2017 / Reviews / 5 Comments

What is it about Haribo gummies?

They’re always especially fruity. It’s as if a Fruit Roll-Up got bitten by a mutant Gusher, morphed into a carnivorous mammal, and had its DNA enhanced with fruity powers that allow it to shoot delicious, sugar-laden laser beams from its squishy eyes.

So mark me excited when I saw that there were not one, but THREE new flavors out: Cherry, Green Apple, and Watermelon, all in a race to be the next Haribo Bear.

Now, before we get into tasting, I would regret not mentioning how difficult these gummies seem to be to find. The Green Apple? Seems to not even exist within a 30-mile radius from Los Angeles, proving itself more obscure and elusive than a 1979 Boba Fett action figure. If you find them, stock up and watch as you make yourself a mini fortune on eBay. (Yes, I will be your customer.)

In good fortune, I finally tracked down the Watermelon and Cherry at the checkout aisle of a fringe Walgreens. Let’s see how they stack up.

Right out of the package, the beary gems have a perfect stretchy, squishy bounce. For a second there, I wasn’t sure if I should eat them or pile them together and make a mattress to sleep on.

(You should eat them. Just FYI.)

Behold! The Watermelon bear!

This guy tumbles from the pack, pinker than a flamingo wearing a cotton candy muumuu in the Barbie aisle. A little sour, a little tart, a little flowery, and a little I-don’t-knowy, the taste of this bear must be what happens when a Watermelon Jolly Rancher gets squishified with a Strawberry Starburst.

It’s got a bit of sourness without veering into the “Warhead” zone and has a lightness, sweetness, and unseasonal summery joy that’s welcome in this January chill. Good show, Watermelon bear!

Now, to our next contender: Cherry.

Witness the Cherry. He is a simple fruity ursine. Squidgy and soft like his Watermelon brethren, he comes in a humble shade of mahogany that would make Franken Berry blush. The taste is reminiscent of what might happen if a bottle of grandma’s cranberry juice got sneezed on by a box of Cherry Jell-O: extremely tart, a little bitter, a smidge cough-syrupy, and barely sweet.

I had been hoping for a brighter, more sugary riff closer to a Sonic Cherry Limeade or a Cherry Jolly Rancher, so this version hinges toward being too tart for my tastes. I’d also like to pretend I have a more sophisticated palate than someone who adores sugary, maraschino-laden flavors, but who am I kidding? I’m more likely to have a flying magical moose drop a diamond-encrusted Dyson vacuum on my head.

So, at the end of the day, while the Cherry did fine, I’m giving my vote to Watermelon. It’s a bright, summery flavor, doesn’t taste like cough syrup, and will go smashingly with the lemon, raspberry, orange, strawberry, pineapple, and, lime they’ve already got rolling in the line.

But I also have an astronomically high tolerance for sugar. At $1 per package, I say give them a go and see what you think. You may love them. You may throw them against the wall. You may have profound revelations equivalent to kissing the philosophy of Albert Camus in the candy aisle. Who knows? Go forth! Find out! The great unknown awaits!

(Nutrition Facts – 17 pieces – 140 calories, 0 calories from fat, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 20 milligrams of sodium, 33 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 18 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.)

Purchased Price: $1 each (on sale)
Size: 4 oz. bag
Purchased at: Walgreens
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Watermelon)
Rating: 4 out of 10 (Cherry)
Pros: Squishy enough to make a mattress with. Cherry could make Franken Berry blush. Watermelon is sweet enough to provide summer in the middle of January. Fruitiness is equivalent to a Fruit Roll-Up bitten by a mutant Gusher.
Cons: Cherry tastes like Cherry Jell-O and grandma’s cranberry juice. Being unable to find Green Apple. Realizing that I have the palate of a 3-year-old. Having a flying magical moose drop a diamond-encrusted Dyson vacuum on your head.

Candy Haribo

REVIEW: Milka Oreo Chocolate Candy Bar

Vin / January 19, 2017 / Reviews

Oreo has become the Lego of food.

Years ago Lego was just Lego, but at some point they decided to dip their blocks in everyone else’s product pool. You can get a Lego set of any entertainment brand you want these days. I just Amazon one-clicked a Lego set of The Max from Saved by the Bell.

I’m a liar of course, but maybe The Impulsive Buy’s clout can get that set made. Let’s make this happen, people!

Anyway, Oreo seems to be following Lego’s model on the culinary scene. A new Oreo flavor seems to drop every month and they’re collaborating with other food brands. Oreo has become the Lego of food! Of course to the dimwitted adventurous child, Lego is the Lego of food.

The most recent Oreo collaboration I stumbled upon was the Milka Oreo Chocolate Candy Bar.

I wasn’t too familiar with Milka chocolate before they decided to bunk up with Nabisco. I’d seen it many times, but never actually bought it, and ya know what? I’m dumb. It’s pretty great.

The label boasts that Milka is Swiss-made with Alpine Milk, which lends to its overall creaminess. Is that the secret? Alpine Milk? Can I buy Alpine Milk in pints, because I think I love it?

Let’s be real here for a second, European chocolate destroys our American brand chocolate. Sure I like Hershey’s or Russell Stover, but Euro chocolate is just more decadent. It’s creamier. It just flat out tastes better, and Milka certainly holds up to that billing in my opinion.

The chocolate here is everything I just said it was. It had a perfect texture, a sweet flavor that wasn’t overbearing, and it melted in my mouth.

I really enjoyed the Oreo cookie crunch as well. It’s not as prominent as say a Hershey’s Cookies ‘n’ Creme bar, but that’s a good thing. This candy bar has the perfect amount of crunch. Each square gives you two or three small crunches.

I wouldn’t necessarily say that I KNEW the cream was Oreo. Well, I knew because the label told me. But without it, I would think this was Milka’s take on a cookies and cream bar. That being said, I still think it’s awesome to look at. Seeing a layer of Oreo cream dotted with bits of cookies inside of a candy bar is a marvel to behold. A marvel I say!

Real quick – Is it Oreo cream or Oreo crème? I can’t keep up with products that have “crème” vs. those with “cream.” Is there a difference? “Crème” is just a fancy way of spelling “cream,” right? This being a European, and thus fancy candy bar, I feel like I should say “crème,” but I never know. The battle of “cream” versus “crème” rages on. Hell, one snack cake I picked up even claimed it was filled with “Kareem!” I put that one back on the shelf.

So as far as this collaboration goes, Milka is the deserved star. Oreo plays the supporting role nicely though despite the cream being a bit indeterminable.

Great balance. Great freshness. Great texture. For $1.50, you can’t go wrong. Milka has a new fan. This might be my new favorite “cookies and cream” candy bar.

Hopefully the Milka Oreo Chocolate Candy Bar becomes a gateway snack, and they start making chocolate bars with the other various crazy Oreo cream/crème flavors.

But hold the Swedish Fish.

(Nutrition Facts – 6 pieces – 220 calories, 120 calories from fat, 14 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 80 milligrams of sodium, 23 grams of carbohydrates, 1 grams of dietary fiber, 20 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.)

Purchased Price: $1.50
Size: 3.52 oz. bar
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Delicious, creamy chocolate. Just the right amount of crunch. Great balance between ingredients. A brand marriage made in Heaven. Alpine Milk!
Cons: Not necessarily Oreo Cream flavor. Never knowing whether to write “Crème” or “Cream.” Kids who eat Legos. The inevitable Oreo Movie.

Candy Milka

REVIEW: Exclusive Villains Edition Frosted Chocolate Sugar Cookie Printed Fun Pop-Tarts

James / January 18, 2017 / Reviews / 2 Comments

If you ever wondered whether or not this is the greatest time to be alive in human history, chew on this: each and every one of us can now waltz on into the local Walmart and buy The Joker, Lex Luthor and a whole host of other fictitious mass murderers and megalomaniacs in breakfast pastry form.

Capitalizing on the success of last year’s D.C. Superhero Printed Fun Pop-Tarts, these Wally World exclusives give us the downright surreal pleasure – no, the absolute privilege – of being able to eat such obscure comic book bad guys as Cheetah and Captain Cold for breakfast. And when I mean “obscure,” I’m talking super-duper-mega-hyper-obscure: if you would’ve told me this time last year Kellogg’s would be putting Atrocitus on its flagship toaster pastries, I probably would’ve tried to get you committed.

Serving as the breakfast equivalent of trading cards, each of the 16-pack boxes (there are two in each metallic sleeve, as always) contain a random grab-bag of iconic and not so iconic rogues, including but not limited to Sinestro, Two-Face, Scarecrow, Poison Ivy and Catwoman.

By and large, the “Tartwork” varies in quality – some Tarts look pretty smooth and colorful while others look blurred to the point of being Rorschach tests. I’m not sure how many different characters got the Pop-Tart treatment, but if anybody out there finds a Gorilla Grod, please email me ASAP.

As for the flavor, we’re working with something Kellogg’s calls “frosted chocolate sugar cookie.” That may sound a little vanilla, but as soon as these things touch your taste buds, you’ll probably start doing backflips. Folks, these are basically OREOS-flavored Pop-Tarts, right down to the taste, texture, aroma and even mouthfeel of the interior creme. Really, it does a better job of aping Nabisco’s beloved twist-top sandwiches than even the Cookies & Creme Pop-Tarts, and those things were still pretty spot-on.

These Tarts are good fresh out of the box, but if you really want to get your $4 worth, you have to eat them heated. The interior creme practically liquefies in the shell, and this is without question one of the best tasting fillings Pop-Tarts has ever trotted out.

I’ve got to give Kellogg’s major props here. With the D.C. character angle, it would’ve been so easy to just churn out a bland product, but they actually went the extra mile and made sure the food itself was grade A stuff.

Fast food/junk food marketers, take note: THIS is how you do a “tie-in” gimmick right.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 pastry – 190 calories, 40 grams from fat, 4.5 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 190 milligrams of sodium, 36 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of dietary fiber, 14 grams of sugar and 2 grams of protein..)

Purchased Price: $3.68
Size: 28.2 oz. box/16 pastries
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: The Oreos-esque flavor remains excellent, cold or heated. the interior creme is absolutely delicious. The sheer awesomeness of being able to snap Bane in half and eat him for breakfast.
Cons: Having to buy five or six boxes until you find a mint condition Solomon Grundy. Getting two Harley Quinns when you’d settle for just one Killer Croc. The way your girlfriend looks at you when you tell your toaster to “kneel before Zod.”

Kellogg's Pop-Tarts

REVIEW: Doritos Blazin’ Buffalo & Ranch

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REVIEW: Keebler Cereal

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REVIEW: Limited Edition Watermelon and Cherry Haribo Gold-Bears

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REVIEW: Milka Oreo Chocolate Candy Bar

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REVIEW: Exclusive Villains Edition Frosted Chocolate Sugar Cookie Printed Fun Pop-Tarts

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