At this point, the only way fast food chains can be “innovative” when it comes to chicken sandwiches is if they radically change the stuff around the chicken – i.e., all of the other ingredients underneath the bread – or find an entirely different kind of bird to deep fry (I’m anticipating a breaded pheasant Arby’s entree by 2020, for sure.)

Needless to say, Burger King’s all-too-generically titled Spicy Crispy Chicken Sandwich isn’t the revolutionary L-T-O the fast food industry’s looking for. That’s not to say it’s bad or anything like that, just that it’s, well, pretty much exactly what you would expect. As soon as you eye the sandwich, you know precisely what to anticipate, and as soon as you take your first bite all of your prejudices are validated. Sorry BK – this is one book we can all safely judge by its wrapper.

First things first, my sandwich didn’t look anything like the sandwich on the advertisement posters. Sure, they never do, but in this case it was egregiously underwhelming. The whole sandwich was flatter than a pancake, to the point I couldn’t even see the interior chicken gawping at the sandwich sideways. And I assure you, what was lurking underneath the hood was even more disappointing.

Yeah, that’s a pretty small chicken patty, isn’t it? Hell, that thing is so small, it might be better described as a morbidly obese chicken nugget. Still, it did have a nice, healthy orange sheen to it, so I’ll at least give the King props for aesthetics.

Maybe it’s just my local BK crew not giving a hoot, but it seems like there was a surplus of mayonnaise on my sandwich and a deficit of tomato and lettuce. Ultimately, this thing had more “dead space” on it than any fast food burger I’ve chewed in a long time. Indeed, my first couple of bites, I was literally gnashing bread on bread. I’ve gotten to the center of a Tootsie Roll lollipop faster than it took me to hit something other than bun on this sucker.

The white meat patty – once you get to it – though, is pretty good, but the “spiciness” is another letdown. Pretty much all this thing does is give you a nasty case of Doritos breath, and maybe a little bit of “Texas Pete tongue” for half a minute.

Again, it’s not horrible tasting, it’s just so woefully predictable. Even if you haven’t tried BK’s latest, I promise you that you’ve had at least one other sandwich that tasted like it. Had Burger King at least tried to up the ante with a spicier dressing, hotter cheese, or even some spicy onion rings, they would have given this thing some kind of identity.

But as is, this thing is painfully bland. And if there’s one thing worse than being a bad fast food sandwich, surely, it’s being one that’s just OK.

(Nutrition Facts – 700 calories, 42 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 65 milligrams of cholesterol, 1,140 milligrams of sodium, 57 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 8 grams of sugar, 25 grams of protein.)

Purchased Price: $4.49
Size: N/A
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: The chicken patty has a nice apricot glow. The ample “white space” allows for plenty of creative uses of condiments. The white meat, admittedly, is pretty chewy.
Cons: It’s not spicy – at all. It really could benefit from some extra ingredients. The feeling that you’ve already eaten this thing before…and at a lower price point, too.

Your fondness/abhorrence of mustard is going to dictate your overall thoughts on Arby’s new Miami Cuban. If you really like mustard, you’ll definitely get a kick out of the limited-time-only offering — especially if you order one at the same suburban Atlanta franchise I got mine from.

As the photographic evidence clearly demonstrates, apparently the chefs at my neighborhood eatery decided it wouldn’t really be an authentic Miami Cuban unless they squeezed an entire bottle of French’s on the sandwich before sending it down the burger chute. It has since been brought to my attention that, no, this is not the standard assemblage process for Arby’s franchises, so odds are your sandwich will contain significantly less of the yellow stuff.

Beyond that condiment deluge, though, we’re working with some pretty standard stuff here. Despite the name, the sandwich isn’t served on Cuban bread, or even a ciabatta roll. Instead, the whole shebang is served on a rather humdrum, ordinary, everyday sub roll. As for the protein, you do get a nice mixture of pit smoked ham and shredded pork loin. If you’ve never had the latter before, it has a nice, semi-bacon flavor to it, all while having the same consistency of the regular shredded ham we’re used to from the franchise.

Rounding out the Cuban sub (shh, don’t tell JFK!) is a hearty helping of melted Swiss cheese and a couple of slices of dill pickle.

Obviously, the high mustard quotient is the only thing keeping this from being a fairly uninspired limited-time-only offering. Overall it is pretty yummy, and I personally dig the sorta-but-not-really-spicy taste and mouthfeel of all that mustard, but it’s not exactly a revolutionary fast food offering. Hmm, considering this is a Cuban we’re talking about, maybe “revolutionary” isn’t the best-fitting term to use. But…still.

On the positive side of things, it is a rather filling sandwich, and at 510 calories, it’s a surprisingly light fast food item for its size. As far as negatives go, the thing is ridiculously salty, and, if you get one like mine, good luck eating it without getting mustard on literally every article of clothing you own, and probably the apparel of the people sitting beside you, too.

Really, the problem here isn’t that the sandwich tastes bad, because it certainly doesn’t. It’s more the fact that it simply takes the basic ingredients of the traditional Cuban sandwich and sucks all the soul out of it. Take a look at this authentic Cuban sandwich from the Miami-area restaurant Alberto Cabrera’s. Sorry, Arby’s but you just can’t replicate that with the material you’re used to working with.

That said, it is pretty fun mixing and matching the sandwich with Arby’s impressive gauntlet of in-house sauces (you’d be amazed how well the mustard gels with the Horsey sauce) and, of course, if you don’t try the sucker with a couple of curly fries added into the mix, you have no (Havana?) idea what you’re missing.

(Nutrition Facts – 510 calories, 180 calories from fat, 20 grams of total fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 96 milligrams of cholesterol, 1,520 milligrams of sodium, 45 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 4 grams of sugar, 38 grams of protein.)

Purchased Price: $5.49
Size: N/A
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: The shredded pork loin is great. The sandwich as a whole is pretty appetite-satiating. Mixing the mustard with honey mustard and feeling like a mad scientist.
Cons: Goodness, is this thing messy. It’s absurdly salty. Not being able to find a place to wedge in a Scarface or Don Johnson reference.

For years, without ever trying it, I dismissed the cheddar and caramel popcorn mix.

I couldn’t wrap my head around how the two could work together. But then I tried it and my preconceived notions got shown the door. It was at this point I had an existential crisis and wondered what other combinations I thought don’t work well, but actually do.

Oil and water? Nope, got the burns to show they don’t work together.

Toothpaste and orange juice? Nope, I’ve got the worn down enamel to prove they’re not a good duo.

The sweet and savory combo works so well that I thought the Cheez-It Duoz Caramel Popcorn & Cheddar would get some serious kudos from me, but it won’t.

At a quick glance, the popcorn to cracker ratio appears to lean more towards the Cheez-Its. But as I ate my way through the box, one piece of each at the same time, it turns out there’s an almost even balance of the two. Of course, your box may vary.

With the caramel and cheddar popcorn mixes I’ve had, there’s usually been a balance of flavors. But that’s not the case with this.

The caramel popcorn tastes fine on its own, it’s crunchy, buttery, and sweet. But its flavor gets pushed out of the way by the tang and potency of the cheddar seasoning, making it much more savory than sweet. Also, it tastes as if some of the cheesiness attaches to the popcorn, dampen their sweetness. There were delightful moments of flavor equilibrium, but it happened when the popcorn was heavily coated with caramel and the Cheez-It wasn’t seasoned very well.

Overall, the Cheez-It Duoz Caramel Popcorn & Cheddar is okay, but its sweet and salty fusion isn’t good enough to make it a hard-to-put-down snack. I’d rather get a bag of cheddar and caramel popcorn.

DISCLOSURE: I received a free sample in order to review it. Receiving it for free did not influence my review.

Purchased Price: FREE
Size: 8.7 oz. box
Purchased at: Received for free
Rating: 6 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (1/2 cup) 130 calories, 6 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, less than 1 gram of 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 200 milligrams of sodium, 18 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 5 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.