REVIEW: Arby’s Gyro Loaded Curly Fries

Arby s Gyro Loaded Curly Fries

After venison sandwiches, the monstrous Meat Mountain, and a mustard-slathered Cuban, I suppose the old Athenian route was one of the few remaining avenues left for Arby’s to explore.

Enter the Gyro Loaded Curly Fries, a limited-time-only companion piece to Arby’s armada of Greek-themed seasonal items such as the Greek Gyro Salad and the, uh, just plain old Gyro.

Arby’s proprietary Curly Fries, I suppose, need no introduction. We all know how fantastic they are. This newfangled edition ups the ante with a nice mixture of traditional gyro ingredients, including Tzatziki sauce, red onions, diced tomatoes and, of course, a heaping helping of gyro meat (which, in this instance, is a combination of beef and lamb.)

Two things make this dish stand out. First, the spices are really good. Of course, since I don’t work there I have no idea what the local Arby’s is putting in these things, but my well-traveled taste buds picked up all sorts of flavors that are more than atypical for a fast food haunt, including what appears to be cumin and coriander. For something you can pick up via a drive-thru window, this thing tastes astonishingly comparable to “real” Greek cuisine.

Secondly, the Tzatziki sauce is outstanding. My big fear was that it would be either too weak and watery or too thick and overpowering, but give the meat maestros at Arby’s some credit, they came pretty darn close to striking a nearly perfect balance on this one. It’s extremely unlikely, but I’d love to see this delicious yogurt become a permanent addition to the sauce bar.

Your mileage will vary on the quality of the meat. The slivers are a little chewier than you’d expect, and the very well seasoned exterior might be a turn off to those of you with blander appetites. I guess my biggest gripe is that the chunks of gyro meat are just too small and too few and far in-between the fries. Really, you’d need to get a double order of meat for the meat-to-fries ratio to come out even, so do keep that in mind before you flip open your wallet.

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The tomatoes and red onions are kind of an afterthought. The former are so small and inconsequential that you barely taste them and the latter are probably a wee bit too big and overpowering compared to the rest of the dish. Simply put, the fries and the onions just don’t gel at all in terms of taste and mouthfeel, no matter how much sauce you add into the mix. I’d recommend skipping the onions altogether, but hey – that’s just my personal preference.

On the whole, this is a much better than anticipated side item. It’s filling and feels fresh. Of course, it’s not for all tastes, but as long as you’ve got a penchant for spicier offerings, you’ll probably get a kick out of these specially dressed Curly Fries.

(Nutrition Facts – 820 calories, 530 calories from fat, 49 grams of total fat, 12 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 55 milligrams of cholesterol, 1,650 milligrams of sodium, 57 grams of total carbohydrates, 6 grams of dietary fiber, 3 grams of sugars, and 14 grams of protein.)

Purchased Price: $2.99
Size: N/A
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: The seasonings are superb. The Tzatziki sauce is surprisingly rich. Lamb and Curly Fries go together way better than we ever could’ve possibly imagined.
Cons: The onions are a bit much. The slices of meat are a tad too small. Having to listen to the cashier refer to it as a “GUY-RO” instead of a “YEAR-OH”…repeatedly.

QUICK REVIEW: Dairy Queen Peanut Butter Cookie Dough Blizzard

Dairy Queen Peanut Butter Cookie Dough Blizzard

Let’s get this out of the way. Dairy Queen’s April Blizzard of the Month, Peanut Butter Cookie Dough, does NOT contain cookie dough that is peanut butter flavored. Rather, peanut butter topping is blended with vanilla soft serve and filled with chocolate chip cookie dough and choco chunks.

While I’m not the brightest tool in the shed, I expected peanut butter cookies and not merely “topping.” It’s not unlike the unfulfilled promise of the Star Wars prequels. Sure, Star Wars: The Phantom Menace has both “stars” and “wars”, but many expecting to see the “Star Wars” of the beloved original trilogy were sorely disappointed.

Dairy Queen Peanut Butter Cookie Dough Blizzard 2

That said, the chocolate chip cookie dough and choco chunks work well together. The chunks add a pleasant snap and welcome contrast to the buttery base and soft, gritty cookie dough pieces.

The real draw though is the top-billed combo with peanut butter. The topping description is apt as it creates a uniform and smooth peanut butter ice cream with only a rare vanilla heavy bite. It’s not overly potent, but with no concentrated gobs of the luscious legume, that is to be expected.

Dairy Queen Peanut Butter Cookie Dough Blizzard 3

Despite worshiping at the altar of Mr. Peanut, I feel, though tasty, the peanut butter topping flavored ice cream clashes with the mix-ins. The cookie dough, in particular, is slightly masked whereas the standard cookie dough Blizzard is enhanced by the complementary fudge.

In the end, I suspect chocolate chip cookie dough fans will be disappointed that the flavor is muted. Conversely, peanut butter lovers will wish they had fulfilled the tantalizing promise of the name by using peanut butter cookie dough. What we are left with is something Jar Jar would say “isa okeeday, no bombad and missa thinkin some people ganna be little bitty underwhelmt.”

Purchased Price: $3.59
Size: Small
Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (Small) 730 calories, 31 grams of fat, 17 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 50 milligrams of cholesterol, 360 milligrams of sodium, 99 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 76 grams of sugar, and 14 grams of protein..

REVIEW: Hostess Peanut Butter Ding Dongs

Hostess Peanut Butter Ding Dongs

Sometimes, life presents small, yet pressing emergencies that must be addressed at once: the printer is out of ink, your car engine’s sputtering fumes, your roommate ate all the popsicles on the first 80-degree day of spring (always share the popsicles!).

These are the everyday, yet highly significant crises, the things that cannot wait for some imagined perfect time on your agenda. And today? That crisis is the craving for peanut butter and chocolate. To ignore this need would be reprehensible, so let us not dilly-dally. Onward! To the snack cake!

Hostess Peanut Butter Ding Dongs 2

I have tried all the snack cakes – the rolls, the crispies, the fluffies, the strange holiday shapies — and, I dare say, this iteration is quite pleasant. While not nouveau or flashy by any means, this humble pastry circle does good on its promise to highlight the cake’s prima donna: chocolate and peanut butter.

Biting in, there’s an ample floof of creamy peanut butter filling much akin to peanut butter-fied frosting from the tub. Surrounding it is a milk chocolate-y coating that’s been drizzled together with peanut butter confection, which has enough nutty, cocoa-y chime to remind me why I shovel Reese’s into my mouth like a Hungry Hippo.

The chocolate portion of the coating is a tad thin, yet quite tasty. Sure, it’s not Ghirardelli by any stretch of the imagination, but it brings flavors of fudge, milk chocolate, chocolate frosting to the fore and, like all the Hostess goods of my youth, combines into an experience that is deliciously familiar and so crammed with sugar, I probably have enough energy to perform Riverdance blindfolded right now.

Now, the cake is another story. Maybe I got a crummy batch, but when it comes to being light and fluffy, this pastry has hitched a one-way ticket on the struggle bus. It’s dense, flavorless, and nothing more than ho-hum. That said, I didn’t expect some extravagant cake straight from the ovens of the Great British Bake-Off, especially when a pack of two is only 50 cents.

The cake’s really just a neutral vehicle to hold all the chocolate and peanut butter together, which it does quite well and for a super inexpensive price. So if, and I’m just thinking ahead, you know, thinking of us, you were to buy, say, 29 packs, it may prove to be one of the best decisions you’ve made in 2018.

Hostess Peanut Butter Ding Dongs 3

If you’ve ever been charmed (understandably) by a Reese’s, these are not going to replace the confection in the chocolate-and-peanut-butta-lovin’ pocket of your soul, but if you’d like a pretty good, no-nonsense snack cake, these are chocolate-y, peanut butter-y, and sturdy enough that you can add ice cream and they will not turn to mush.

Simple and to-the-point, they require little thought other than ripping open a little tag of cellophane and even make a nice breakfast on a Wednesday. And don’t we all deserve a nice breakfast on a Wednesday?

(Nutrition Facts – 2 cakes – 350 calories, 160 calories from fat, 18 grams of fat, 12 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 200 milligrams of sodium, 47 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 36 grams of sugar, and 4 grams of protein.)

Purchased Price: 50 cents
Size: 2-pack
Purchased at: 99-Cent Store
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Chocolate coating. Peanut butter drizzle in coating. Frosting-like peanut butter floof inside. Reason to use “floof” in everyday language. Clogging Riverdance blindfolded.
Cons: Dense, flavorless cake. Could have greater ratio of chocolate coating. Discovering you’re out of printer ink. Roommates who eat all the popsicles without asking.

QUICK REVIEW: Trader Joe’s Crunchy Cinnamon Squares Milk Chocolate Bar

Trader Joe s Crunchy Cinnamon Squares Milk Chocolate Bar

What is it?

A new candy bar that uses milk chocolate and bits of Trader Joe’s Cinnamon Toast Crunch-like cereal, which, as you can guess, is called Crunchy Cinnamon Squares Cereal.

How is it?

I haven’t tried Trader Joe’s Crunchy Cinnamon Squares Cereal, but from what I can taste in this bar, I feel as if it’s more cinnamon-y and less sugary. The bits provide a lot of cinnamon flavor, but that’s mostly it, more of which I’ll get to in a moment. If you’ve enjoyed cinnamon-enhanced chocolate bars or Abuelita Mexican-style hot cocoa, I imagine you’ll dig this. As someone who loves the chocolate and cinnamon combination, but doesn’t get to enjoy it too often, this candy bar was a treat. The chocolate has a nice creaminess and a great flavor, although its aftertaste makes my mouth feel as if I’ve been chewing Big Red gum.

Is there anything else I need to know?

The wrapper says “bits of crunchy cinnamon squares cereal” and that can be considered an accurate description of what’s inside the chocolate. But, apparently, my definition of “bits” is different than Trader Joe’s version because they’re not what I hoped for.

Trader Joe s Crunchy Cinnamon Squares Milk Chocolate Bar 2

I expected nice chunks of cereal, but instead it’s as if Trader Joe’s took the crumbs at the bottom of a Crunchy Cinnamon Squares Cereal bag, smashed them to make them smaller, and mixed the specks with milk chocolate. There’s some texture, but I refuse to call it crunchy.

Also, you should read the nutrition facts on the back because it will come in handy when you want to eat the entire bar in one sitting. The 70 percent saturated fat might get you to stop eating before it all ends up in your mouth.

Conclusion:

Trader Joe’s Crunchy Cinnamon Squares Milk Chocolate Bar is a great tasting candy bar, but I do wish there were bigger cereal bits in it.

Purchased Price: Received from a friend
Size: 2.8 oz. bar
Purchased at: Trader Joe’s
Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (1/3 bar) 130 calories, 8 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, less than 5 milligram of cholesterol, 45 milligrams of sodium, 15 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 12 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Market Pantry Unicorn Magic Ice Cream

Market Pantry Unicorn Magic Ice Cream

I am loving this modern resurgence of unicorns. It brings me right back to my pre-teen Lisa Frank sticker collecting days. But since I’m already nursing a Hello Kitty obsession and can only handle one “too old for this” thing without looking like a complete lunatic, I limit my unicorn love to food items.

When I saw Target’s new Market Pantry ice cream was called “Unicorn Magic” AND had glitter candy bits, I was ready. First, glitter – no brainer – yes. Second, magic – I don’t go for the poop and snot falderal that drags down many current unicorn products. We all know unicorns do not poop or have phlegm. They’re all magic, sparkle, and love. Thanks for taking the high road here, Target.

The description of the ice cream itself was a bit vague – pink fruity? What does that mean?

Market Pantry Unicorn Magic Ice Cream 2

On prying open the tub, I was a little disappointed by the visual – a muddled pastel pinky-blue that looked more My Little Pony spackling compound than unicorn magic.

Market Pantry Unicorn Magic Ice Cream 3

I breathed in a barely-there fruity aroma. As I scooped down into the frozen mass, the colors differentiated and I could see a more vibrant pink with bright blue and white streaks. Getting better…

Market Pantry Unicorn Magic Ice Cream 4

On the taste front, this ice cream was a delight. “Pink fruity” was definitely cherry – a GOOD cherry. It was very light, not the nightmare medicinal cherry that haunts us all. The blue raspberry stripes gave it a little Jolly-Ranchers-esque flavor pop.

Market Pantry Unicorn Magic Ice Cream 5

I’m not sure why the white swirls are billed as frosting. They screamed marshmallow in taste and texture. Is marshmallow passé now? It was a perfect Fluff-like addition to the creamy fruitiness. I found myself eating more of this ice cream than anticipated.

Market Pantry Unicorn Magic Ice Cream 6

“What about the glitter candy bits” you ask? Well, here is Unicorn Magic’s epic fail. There were plenty of them, but they were barely distinguishable in a scoop. They’re basically shards of white Magic Shell with tiny flecks of color. Come on, people. What about this thing says “glitter”? Confetti, yes. Glitter, NO. What a disappointment.

Market Pantry Unicorn Magic Ice Cream 7

Overall, Unicorn Magic is a tale of two promises – the taste delivered the magic, but the appearance was Unicorn Sedative. I mean, look at the color difference between the container and the product! I have to ding them two rating points for this since the style of the thing is half (or more) of the appeal of unicorn products.

Market Pantry Unicorn Magic Ice Cream 8

Since I liked the taste, I decided to repurpose this ice cream into something that would highlight that but hide the visual. I made bite-sized frozen cookie sandwiches. 3/4 teaspoon scoops of pre-made sugar cookie dough dyed with food coloring, baked. Press a tiny scoop of ice cream between two cookies and roll sides in fun sprinkles.

Market Pantry Unicorn Magic Ice Cream 9

(Nutrition Facts – 2/3 cup – 220 calories, 11 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 65 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of carbohydrates, 0 gram of dietary fiber, 24 grams of total sugars, 20 grams of added sugars, and 2 grams of protein.)

Purchased Price: $2.99
Size: 1.5 qts.
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Great combination of light cherry, intense raspberry and smooth marshmallow fluff. No poop or snot to be found.
Cons: My eyes did not experience magic. I’m spearheading legislation to regulate the use of the word glitter in food products, with a maximum of life in prison for not bringing the sparkle if you advertise it.

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