REVIEW: Monster Viking Berry Energy Juice

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When I first learned about Monster Energy’s Viking Berry Energy Juice, I thought “Viking berry” was a weird name for a fruit. But after commanding Siri to do some light research for me, like an unpaid intern, I learned that the fruit has an even more unusual but totally unmarketable name for a food product — chokeberries.

According to Wikipedia, “The name ‘chokeberry’ comes from the astringency of the fruits, which create the sensation of making one’s mouth pucker.” Sadly, that is a disappointing and boring explanation of its name, which creates the sensation of making one’s mouth yawn.

Why couldn’t the reason for its name be something dark, chilling, and worthy of a Netflix documentary? For example, the fruit was responsible for the deaths of many sailors at sea when it was used as ammunition by Viking slingshot snipers who targeted the mouths of their enemies.

But after all that reading and Siri-ing, I’m confused about whether or not this contains Viking berries. The ingredients list mentions a trio of B-berry juices – black currant, blackberry, and bilberry – but no chokeberries. Not even the can’s copy says anything definite. Instead, the following is printed: “Inspired by Wild Nordic berries and Scandinavian fruit, Viking Berry blends real fruit juices and exotic flavors for a whole new taste experience.”

“Whole new taste experience,” eh?

Well, a distinct pattern of neurons in my brain started firing when I took a sip of this. But I can’t quite figure out why it tastes so familiar. While it’s not a whole new taste experience to me, it is in the Monster Juice line because almost all the new flavors over the past decade have been tropical flavored.

The red-ish purple Viking Berry Energy Juice has a mixed berry aroma and taste that leans towards blueberry and maybe red raspberry. Much like chokeberries, I’ve never had bilberries, so I wouldn’t know one even if it was shot down my throat by a slingshot sniper. It starts off a bit tart but has a sweeter finish. However, it’s not sour enough to create the sensation of making one’s mouth pucker. It is tasty enough that I see this being a repeat purchase. Although, I can’t say I enjoy it more than some of the tropical Monster Energy Juice varieties.

Something else that came to mind while drinking this is that it has a Monster Ultra vibe to it. I might be the only one who thinks this, but even though there’s sugar in this (and some sucralose), I could confuse its flavor for a zero sugar Monster Ultra.

Monster Viking Berry Energy Juice may not contain actual chokeberries, but it has 160 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine and a berry delicious taste.

Purchased Price: $2.59
Size: 16 fl oz can
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 8 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 200 calories, 0 grams of fat, 200 milligrams of sodium, 52 grams of carbohydrates, 49 grams of sugar (including 47 grams of added sugar), 0 grams of protein, and 160 milligrams of caffeine.

REVIEW: Wendy’s Thin Mints Frosty

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I liken the new Wendy’s Thin Mints Frosty to the Tostitos “Hint of” line of tortilla chips. The flavor is there but doesn’t bombard your taste buds with it. This new Frosty doesn’t scream pineapple like the SpongeBob SquarePants Under the Sea Pineapple Frosty or shout salted caramel like the Salted Caramel Frosty from last year. Instead, you’re getting a less pronounced flavor.

Unlike previous varieties, this one comes with either the chocolate or vanilla Frosty base and then a rich, minty cookie crumble sauce inspired by the popular Girl Scout Cookie is swirled and topped on the treat. It’s not blended together, so unless you do some mixing on your own, expect spoonfuls of just the icy and creamy base as you eat your way through the cup. That’s not the worst thing in the world, especially if you have fries to dip into them.

If you sample just the sauce, the Thin Mints flavor is mainlined to your taste buds. It has a grittiness comparable to the iciness of the Frosty base. There’s a hint of crunchiness in those cookie specks and a minty chocolate flavor in the dark sauce that brings Thin Mints to mind. However, when scooped with the vanilla or chocolate Frosty base, the sauce’s taste gets, um, thin. This flavor dilution happens more with the Chocolate Frosty base than with the Vanilla one.

The chocolate mint sauce makes these treats look enticing, but I wish it was mixed throughout the base to give it that mint chocolate oomph that we all know and love from the cookies.

While I found them to be a little disappointing, I enjoyed these Thin Mints Frosty varieties. However, I won’t scream and shout from the mountaintops about them. Heck, I don’t even think it’s something you should rush out the door for right at this moment. Instead, I think you should wait, order a pack (or a dozen) of Thin Mints from your friendly neighborhood Girl Scout Troop and use them to scoop up these Frosty flavors from the cup or crush the cookies and sprinkle them over the top to give your taste buds more than a hint of Thin Mints.

Purchased Price: $4.49 each
Size: Small
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Vanilla), 6 out of 10 (Chocolate)
Nutrition Facts: Vanilla – 490 calories, 22 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 35 milligrams of cholesterol, 270 milligrams of sodium, 64 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 53 grams of sugar, and 10 grams of protein. Chocolate – 490 calories, 22 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 270 milligrams of sodium, 64 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 51 grams of sugar, and 10 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Chips Ahoy Blondie Baked Bites

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Normally, I’d start my review of Chips Ahoy Blondie Baked Bites with a thin pop culture reference that I’d kinda relate back to the product, but I’m too miffed to have fun right now.

So, my apologies, Debbie Harry, I won’t be using any famous Blondie lyrics to express my opinions. Sorry, Dagwood, I won’t be making a cutesy reference to your wife, the eponymous Blondie’s famous comic strip, because I just have to get down to brass tacks and warn the masses.

I’m not even gonna bury the lede anymore, folks, I almost gave Chips Ahoy Blondie Baked Bites my first 0 out of 10.

Look, before I start, I just wanna say I actually enjoy Chewy Chips Ahoy, and I’ve loved every blondie I’ve ever had. It’s a golden brownie! Cool, nice change of pace, sign me up… but these… man…

In each baggie, you get a handful of little squares they call “Baked Bites,” but they’re really “Clay Clumps.”

The texture of said clumps is lost somewhere in the void between cookie and brownie. It’s not quite Chewy Chips Ahoy, but not quite brownie texture either – any brownie texture, whether you like moist, chewy brownies or crispier dryer brownies, these never get to either pole.

They resemble little pieces of edible cookie dough, but that’s usually softer and often chilled. If you bought edible cookie dough bites and left them uncovered on the counter for six hours, that might be the texture of Chips Ahoy Baked Bites. I kinda recall the inside of those terrible “Cookie Dough Bite” candies being similar, so imagine about twenty of those mashed together with less chocolate.

Needless to say, I’m not a fan of these bites texturally. That said, the texture is great compared to the taste. These are hot garbage.

I really try not to just flat out hate on things I review, but I hate these. “Hate” is a strong word that I genuinely want to eliminate from my vocabulary entirely. Maybe tomorrow. I hate these.

The flavor is as bland as bland can be. The chocolate chips are a desperate hint of a saving grace, but they are chalky and not flavorful enough to save whatever the batter is. These are just unpleasant with a mouth-drying, aspartamey aftertaste that doesn’t go away.

Would you like a dryer, denser Chewy Chips Ahoy with about 50% less sugar? I’ll answer for you. You wouldn’t. The grams of sugar must all be in the chocolate because the blondie part has no sweetness to speak of. These taste like the newspaper Blondie was printed on.

The “Chips Ahoy!” name on the box shouldn’t have an exclamation point but an interrobang (?) because I’m questioning what the heck I just ate. I also really wanted to write the word “interrobang.”

Man, these stink. With all the options out there, I’m prepared to call these unequivocally the worst sweet snack on shelves right now. I’ll die on that hill.

I don’t think I’ve ever said the word “blech” out loud until I ate these. That’s what these taste like, “blech.” They taste like some random onomatopoeia.

Yeah, so anyway, pick up a box. You’ll love ’em? (You probably won’t. Skip ’em.)

Purchased Price: $3.98
Size: 7.5 oz box/5 packs
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 1 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 170 calories, 7 grams of fat, 150 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of total carbohydrates, 13 grams of total sugars, 2 grams of fiber, 2 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Taco Bell Milk Bar Birthday Cake Churros

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Happy 63rd Birthday, Taco Bell!

Happy 17th Birthday, Milk Bar!

I don’t know whose birthday we’re celebrating, but you can do it with Taco Bell’s Milk Bar Birthday Cake Churros by sticking candles in both ends of a churro and lighting them. Available in a 2-pack or just one and made in collaboration with Milk Bar, the festive dessert features crispy churros filled with birthday cake frosting and topped with sprinkles.

But I should warn you that the number you decide to purchase might depend on how much you enjoy cleaning because these suckers are meeeessyyyyy. Having had Disneyland churros recently, I can definitely say these Taco Bell churros are más messy.

The spherical sprinkles and pink sugar cling to the churros’ sides with as much adhesion as a hippo trying to walk up the side of the Empire State Building. So, if you don’t want to make a gigantic mess, I’d recommend eating them just above the box they came in to catch the sugar. Or maybe consume them over a dinner plate, sink, or somewhere you can hose down easily. Surprisingly, what doesn’t end up making a mess is the birthday cake frosting filling. It didn’t ooze out when biting into the sugary sticks.

However, these Taco Bell Milk Bar Birthday Cake Churros are as delicious as they are messy. The fried dough, sugar, and vanilla-y filling do an excellent job of hitting the flavors of cake, but without being as overly sweet as a birthday cake. Initially, I thought the pink sugar had some flavor because nibbling just the fried dough with the sugar also had a cake vibe. But after tasting a pile of pink crystals that lost to gravity, it turns out they taste just like sugar.

Milk Bar Birthday Cake Churros are exactly what I imagine Taco Bell would do to Taco Bell-ize regular churros. I loved these, and I hope they return. But I would like Taco Bell to add regular churros to the permanent menu for my birthday.

Purchased Price: $3.99*
Size: 2-pack
Rating: 8 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (2 churros) 550 calories, 37 grams of fat, 12 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 240 milligrams of sodium, 48 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 28 grams of sugar, and 6 grams of protein.

*Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, things are a bit pricier here. You’ll probably pay less than I did.

REVIEW: Jack in the Box Sauced & Loaded Waffle Fries

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Oh, no!

Does the introduction of Jack in the Box’s new Loaded Waffle Fries mean my beloved potato wedges will soon be gone?

If so, how can I appease the Big Ball-Headed Fast Food God? Must I give it my firstborn? Do I have to sacrifice a fresh Big Mac and/or Whopper by throwing it into a volcano? Please keep potato wedges on the menu, oh, mighty and strong (and handsome) Jack!

For those who aren’t keeping count, Jack in the Box, at the moment, offers FOUR types of fried potato sides — waffle fries, regular fries, curly fries, and the fabulous potato wedges. (Also, tater tots were once on the menu for a limited time.) However, waffle fries are only available sauced and loaded, while all the others can be ordered unsauced and unloaded.

This might just be Jack testing to see if there’s possible interest in making waffle fries a permanent item. Or it might be a plot to get rid of potato wedges for good? (Don’t do it, Mr. Box!)

Jack in the Box’s Sauced & Loaded Waffle Fries feature waffle fries topped with cheddar cheese, nacho cheese sauce, crumbled bacon, and buttermilk ranch. If you’ve had previous Sauced & Loaded products, this waffle fries version will taste very familiar since it has pretty much the same toppings as the loaded tater tots and potato wedges Jack has offered.

Despite being doused and plopped with toppings and enduring a four-minute drive, the waffle fries, surprisingly, still had a crispy exterior when I bit into the sauciest and load-est(?) fry. However, that fry was also quite salty because of all the toppings. So, I spread out the heap of meat, cheese, and sauces so things wouldn’t be so condensed. When I did that, there was a balance between the bacon, cheeses, and ranch, with the potato flavor still noticeable. The waffle fries almost taste like the potato wedges, but the spudsiness is milder.

If I had to rank Jack in the Box’s newest potato product, but naked, I’d put it ahead of regular fries because they taste a little better and are crispier, but behind curly fries and potato wedges. As for these Sauced & Loaded Waffle Fries, while everything tastes familiar, they’re still satisfying.

But it’s not as satisfying as potato wedges. Please don’t take them away from me again, Jack!

Purchased Price: $4.79*
Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 540 calories. No other nutritional information is available on the Jack in the Box website.

*Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, things are a bit pricier here. You’ll probably pay less than I did.

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