REVIEW: Awesome Sauce Goldfish Crackers

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If there are two things the internet loves, it’s tier lists and sauces. That’s it – just those two things. Nothing more.

Don’t act like you’ve never glared at a fifteen-minute YouTube video of some dork ranking their favorite… I don’t know, band-aid shapes and raged out when they put “butterfly” in the C-tier. That’s a great functional shape! Who is this hypothetical fool I’m inventing out of thin air?!

Then you’ve got the social media sauce epidemic we’ve been living in for the past decade. Every “viral” sandwich, burger, burrito, etc, looks delicious… until it’s smothered with a waterfall of multi-colored sauces. Who’s eating these wet disasters?! A little dab’ll do ya!

So, in honor of the internet’s two biggest (fact-checked) obsessions, I decided to make my own sauce tier list. Rapid fire, ready:

S-Tier – None.

Yeah, that’s as far as I got. I don’t have a favorite sauce. I’m desperately seeking a favorite sauce to fill my S(auce)-tier. If only there were a new sauce out there to knock my socks off, a great sauce, maybe even an… oh, hey, Goldfish has a new “AWESOME Sauce” flavor. Let’s do it.

If you’re like me, seek help, but also, you’re probably wondering what “awesome sauce” is. I ate two handfuls, and I’m still curious.

Pepperidge Farm doesn’t even know, as the bag reads, “Sweet, smoky, tangy… Awesome. The taste that’s hard to describe and impossible to resist.”

I agree with half of that statement. They’re hard to describe but quite easy to resist.

My initial assumption was that these would be a generic “burger sauce.” I think I was hoping for that because deep down, I feared what was coming, and let’s just say it’s a flavor that would probably land on my C tier – Chick-fil-A sauce.

I know people swear by it, but you can keep Chick-fil-A sauce. I think it’s a strange concoction that isn’t better than the individual sum of its parts. I’m pretty sure that’s what they’re going for.

Initially, these taste like a sweet-ish BBQ sauce, and right when you start to enjoy that, the tang gets a bit vinegary, and if you start to enjoy that, the flavor flat-out dies in a time span shorter than a real goldfish’s memory.

This is one of the worst Goldfish crackers I’ve ever had, even beyond the flavor itself. The cracker is so bland and… crackery. As dumb as it sounds, it’s the first time I’ve ever been cognizant of the cracker. I’ve never gotten that from other varieties because the flavors persist.

I mean, I can’t argue with the bag; these are sweet, smokey, and tangy. They would’ve been quite good if they were also a little spicy. They could’ve been saltier too.

I can’t say these are awesome. They’re not awe-ful, but I’m not a big fan. If you love Chick-fil-A sauce, you’ll probably wanna catch ’em all, but again, it’s one of the quickest flavor drop-offs I can remember in a savory snack like this. These probably should’ve been “Flavor Blasted.”

D-tier confirmed.

Purchased Price: $2.99
Size: 6.1 oz.
Purchased at: Shop Rite
Rating: 4 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (53 pieces) 140 calories, 5 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 300 milligrams of sodium, 20 grams of total carbohydrates, 0 grams of total sugars, less than 1 gram of dietary fiber, 2 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Mountain Dew Dragon Fruit

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Despite its namesake, dragon fruit isn’t exactly the boldest of flavors. Now, don’t get me wrong, I \*like\* dragon fruit, especially the yellow kind. However, I really find that it adds more in the way of color and texture than flavor, which is why I was honestly kind of surprised when I heard that Mountain Dew, a brand known for bold flavors like Flamin’ Hot and Code Red, had decided to add a dragon fruit flavor to its lineup.

I do have to give them credit where credit is due (or Dew, haha): this stuff DOES really taste like dragon fruit. The flavor is mild, but it is present, and it does evoke the actual namesake fruit. There is a hint of that trademark vaguely citrusy taste most varieties of Mountain Dew share as a background note and a slight aftertaste, and that Dew scent remains present. However, there is a sort of mild, earthy hint of kiwi-like sweetness from dragon fruit that ties it all together.

Even the color looks close. If you’ve ever blended a few chunks of red dragon fruit into an otherwise pale smoothie, topped some Greek yogurt with it, or even just picked up a piece with your bare fingers, you know that bright pink shade it imparts, and I daresay this Dew nails it.

All that being said, the flavor is still really weak. If I’m taking in as much sugar as two servings of Skittles (there’s no zero sugar variety), I want to TASTE something! This almost feels like a sweetened La Croix with the fruit-like whisper of flavor the dragon fruit lends. So, if you’re looking for a bold new Dew to celebrate the summer with, I might suggest Baja Cabo Citrus, 7-Eleven’s exclusive Infinite Swirl, or the returning Summer Freeze. Because sadly, this one just misses the mark and the flavor I have come to expect from one of my favorite soft drink brands.

Purchased Price: $2.38
Size: 20 fl oz bottle (also available in cans)
Purchased at: Walmart (Exclusive)
Rating: 6 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (1 bottle) 280 calories, 0 grams of total fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 gram of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 85 milligrams of sodium, 73 grams of total carbs, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 73 grams of total sugar, and 0 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Ghost Cinnamon Toast Crunch Protein Cereal (Video)

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A new video three weeks in a row! That’s got to be a first for me. Speaking of firsts, in this video you get to see me “exercise” and use a feature in the video editing software for the first time.

Purchased Price: FREE
Size: 11 oz box
Purchased at: Received General Mills
Nutrition Facts: (1 cup – 39 grams – without milk) 170 calories, 7 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 230 milligrams of sodium, 11 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 5 grams of sugar (including 5 grams of added sugar), and 17 grams of protein.

TRANSCRIPT

I’m trying to eat more protein because the Instagram algorithm tells me I should do so to lose weight, build muscle, and allow me to say “gettin’ my gains.” Thankfully, I can get 17 grams with a bowl of Ghost’s Cinnamon Toast Crunch Protein Cereal.

It’s brought to you by a small company you probably haven’t heard of called General Mills, who sent me a sample to try.

This isn’t regular Cinnamon Toast Crunch with more protein, although the cereal resembles Cinnamon Toast Crunch pieces that have been eating more protein and getting their gains. If you squint, they kind of look like little pieces of toast, like French Toast Crunch. Their texture is similar to the previous Ghost Cereals that came out last year, which start crispy but finish with a feel that I would best describe as drying. It isn’t a dealbreaker since I’m accustomed to it, having previously had Ghost Cereals. Plus, the cereal’s flavor compensates for its less-than-pleasing texture.

Thanks to the Cinnadust, it’s instantly recognizable as Cinnamon Toast Crunch flavored, and not one of the offshoots that have appeared over the past couple of years, like Cinnamon Toast Crunch Rolls, Cinnamon Toast Crunch Loaded, or Cinnamon Toast Crunch Waffle. Due to the different composition of the underlying cereal, it achieves 80-90 percent of the flavor of Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal but with a distinct texture that worsens with each chew.

As for the milk at the bottom of the bowl, I’m surprised it didn’t have a serious CTC taste from the Cinnadust that washed into the milk.

To get 17 grams of protein, you need to eat 39 grams of the cereal, which is a decent amount to me in terms of volume in a bowl. It would take 8.5 servings of regular Cinnamon Toast Crunch to get your gains.

And I mostly agree with what the box claims.

“Excellent source of protein”

Check.

“Legendary flavor”

Check

“Good source of calcium”

Ehhhh, my bones and the box are going to have to agree to disagree.

Two out of three isn’t bad.

I give Ghost’s Cinnamon Toast Crunch Protein Cereal a 7 out of 10.

REVIEW: Lay’s Wavy Magic Masala Potato Chips

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I’ve been enjoying the influx of internationally inspired, inventive, or trendy chip flavors that have been coming out lately. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love a good sour cream and cheddar Ruffle, but “New!” holds a special kind of allure for me, and creative AND new? Well, sign me up yesterday!

Lay’s Wavy Magic Masala isn’t the brand’s first foray into the world of internationally-inspired flavors. Heck, it’s not even the only one available on shelves right now… but it’s definitely a unique addition to the lineup and the lineup of other seasonally available or otherwise limited edition chip flavors at my local grocery store, and that counts for something!

These chips smell amazing as soon as you open the bag. There is a distinct waft of spices in the most delicious way. Strong, but not overpowering, much like the flavor. They have a great balance between the bold spices and the rest of the ingredients, with a surprisingly perfect kick that leaves that gentle warmth on your lips and tongue for a few minutes after eating them. Perfect if you like that sort of thing, anyway.

My favorite Indian restaurant starts every meal with a little bowl of a complimentary snack called Aloo Bhujia: thin, crispy, spiced potato noodles. These chips remind me almost exactly of that. The spice blend is strikingly similar (thus, I feel it’s probably fairly authentic to the chips’ Indian inspiration), and it complements the potato base equally as well. It’s a perfect pairing of crispy texture and a flavorful, spicy seasoning that doesn’t hold back (probably a six on a 1-10 scale of relative snack food spiciness). They would go great with a cooling, creamy dip, too. The color is also nice and bright without that artificial Cheeto-y orangeness some chips have. And while we are on the topic of color, I absolutely love the bag design! The colors are bright, the accents are fun, and it definitely lets me know that something special and delicious waits inside.

I’m most definitely picking up several more bags of these, along with the ingredients for a nice homemade raita to dip them in.

Purchased Price: $2.50
Size: 7.5 oz bag
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 9 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (1 oz) 150 calories, 10 grams of total fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 gram of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 190 milligrams of sodium, 15 grams of total carbs, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 1 gram of total sugar, and 2 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Dunkin’ Ice Cream-Inspired Frozen Coffee

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Today was the perfect day for me to review Dunkin’s new limited edition (it’s only around this summer) Ice Cream-Inspired Frozen Coffee: I had to wake up at 5 am, I had free time in the afternoon right as my energy was starting to fade, and it was hot as heck outside. Motivated by these conditions that basically begged for a mixture of caffeine and frozen dessert, I perused the three flavor options—Cookie Dough, Mint Chocolate Chip, and Butter Pecan—and opted for Butter Pecan.

I sometimes get nervous when purchasing new items that employees might not be familiar with yet, but the ordering process went smoothly… at least until I was handed a bald Frozen Coffee, missing the luxurious whipped cream, syrup swirl, and crunchy crushed waffle cone topping that solidify this drink as “Ice-Cream Inspired.” Being someone who dreads even mild confrontations, I immediately broke out in a sweat so cold I no longer required a frosty beverage to cool down, but I knew I would have to speak up.

The things I do for you, dear Impulsive Buy readers! Fortunately, after I sheepishly showed a picture on my phone (and apologized for the inconvenience about a dozen times), I was rewarded a few minutes later with a new Frozen Coffee looking as glamorous as the one in the marketing materials.

It tasted pretty glamorous, too! It approached the border of “overly sweet” without quite crossing it, which is just how I prefer my coffee. There was a toasty, generally nutty flavor that I might have identified as almond or hazelnut, but a buttery undertone sealed the deal as living up to its Butter Pecan name. The waffle cone topping lived up to its name as well—as with most ice cream cones I can recall, it was more textural than tasty, a bit bland when sampled on its own, but it provided a welcome crunch as part of a larger experience. (Note that it was best in small doses: when I chomped down on a large, slightly soggy cluster that had sunken to the bottom of the cup after finishing my drink, it was a tad overwhelming.) Luckily though, the butter pecan-flavored swirl perked up the neutral-tasting crunchies right up, providing a perfect pop of sweetness without being laid on too thick. And the whipped cream was light and airy, practically melting in my mouth, which added to the summery feeling.

Another thing I appreciated was how well-blended the drink was. While it clearly was frozen, the sips weren’t gritty, going down as smoothly as regular iced coffee. Though there was a substantial chunk of ice left at the end, I didn’t mind; mixed with the melty remnants of the whipped cream, syrup, and waffle cone pieces, the treat took on a snow cone texture in the final mouthfuls, which may not have been intentional but was still pretty fun.

Truthfully, the Butter Pecan Ice Cream-Inspired Frozen Coffee wasn’t that different than any of the other frozen and/or sugar-bomb drinks Dunkin’ already has on offer. But between its playful seasonal vibe, thematically appropriate toppings, and perfect balance of being both sweet-but-not-cloying and frozen-but-still-drinkable, I’d suggest it for anyone looking to power through a heatwave, an unpleasantly early wakeup time, or just a good old-fashioned sugar craving.

Purchased Price: $5.11
Size: Small
Rating: 8 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 590 calories, 22 grams of fat, 13 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 70 milligrams of cholesterol, 250 milligrams of sodium, 92 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 84 grams of sugar, and 6 grams of protein.

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