REVIEW: Brach’s Turkey Dinner Candy Corn

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Brach s Turkey Dinner Candy Corn Bag

What is Brach’s Turkey Dinner Candy Corn?

Somewhere in the world, a withered monkey’s paw has lowered a finger.

Okay, fess up.

Which one of you wished for new candy?

I can only assume that’s how this product came to be because Brach’s has introduced a product no one could have honestly wanted: Turkey Dinner Candy Corn.

How is it?

Brach s Turkey Dinner Candy Corn Poured

Green Beans

It took me a while to put my finger on what these taste like because it’s not like any green bean I’ve ever tasted. Yet, there’s a certain noxious quality that’s familiar. Then it hit me. These taste spoiled. My only explanation is that whoever is responsible for this grew up eating canned green beans that had been boiled to mush and then left on the stovetop for too long.

Roast Turkey

Oh, wow! This really tastes like turkey! That’s a terrible thing for candy to taste like! Everything about this is off-putting. Even the yellow top of the candy corn reminds of the scummy fat that rises to the top of turkey drippings. I applaud the food scientists for managing to nail the flavor of a turkey dinner’s centerpiece, but wish they would use their skills for good rather than evil.

Cranberry Sauce

These taste generically fruity, but lack specific cranberry flavor and tartness. They wouldn’t be out of place in any other assortment of fruity candy, but fail to add to the turkey dinner theme.

Ginger Glazed Carrots

These are delightfully accurate recreations of their namesake. There’s real sweet carrot flavor with a spicy ginger bite. If you don’t like carrots or ginger, you won’t like them, but they’ll be a favorite for glazed carrot fans.

Sweet Potato Pie

These don’t taste anything like sweet potato pie, but they taste exactly like maple syrup. Given some of the other flavors’ awfulness, I’m going to count my blessings, not ask too many questions, and quickly move on.

Stuffing

I had no idea how the folks at Brach’s would replicate a savory side dish in a candy form. And it turns out neither did they because this one just tastes weird. There’s perhaps a toasted bread and herb note, but the sugary sweetness overwhelms any savory characteristic and results in a muddled mess.

Brach s Turkey Dinner Candy Corn Lined Up

Anything else you need to know?

A common trope in old sci-fi is the notion of having an entire meal in pill form, which always seemed odd to me. Who would rather swallow a pill than eat real food? Then, Silicon Valley introduced Soylent to the world because eat was getting in the way of productivity.

So, here’s my theory: some techbro was annoyed at getting yanked out his coding flow state to have Thanksgiving with his family, found a monkey’s paw, and then wished for some festive way to fulfill familial obligations as efficiently as possible.

It’s candy, so it’s fun! It’s also possible to eat by the handful, so it’s also very efficient! All the better for getting back to coding that dystopian facial recognition algorithm as quickly as possible.

Conclusion:

Despite some truly horrific flavors, I must admit I come away impressed by Brach’s ability to offer the full cornucopia of Thanksgiving experiences in one bag. From the disgusting dish your younger cousin brings (Hush, everyone. He tried.) to the unexciting but crowd-pleasing favorites that Grandma faithfully delivers and the standout that everyone looks forward to every year, Brach’s Turkey Dinner Candy Corn replicates the highs and lows of a Thanksgiving with family.

Purchased Price: $2.99
Size: 12 oz bag
Purchased at: Walgreens
Rating: 4 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (15 pieces) 110 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 75 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 23 grams of sugar including 23 grams added sugar, and 0 gram of protein.

REVIEW: Totino’s Takis Fuego Mini Snack Bites

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Totino s Takis Fuego Mini Snack Bites Bag

Totino’s Takis Fuego Mini Snack Bites’ ingredients list is CVS receipt-long. While coupons can make the drugstore’s receipts reach outstanding lengths, it’s ingredients that end with -ate that help the list take up more than one-fourth of the bag’s real estate on the back.

Totino s Takis Fuego Mini Snack Bites Ingredients

While I won’t type out verbatim the ingredients list, I will do so with the product’s description on the front of the bag. These mini snacks are hot chili pepper & lime seasoned bites with a cheezy imitation mozzarella filling.

If you’re familiar with Takis Fuego Rolled Tortilla Chips, you’d know they are entirely red, giving them a striking look. Unfortunately, these bites are partially coated in a red seasoning, making them look tame.

Totino s Takis Fuego Mini Snack Bites Frozen

Their preparation can be done in the microwave or oven.

Depending on your microwave’s power, it takes between 1 minute 10 seconds to 1 minute 40 seconds to heat up a serving. The oven instructions involve preheating to 375 degrees, placing a layer on a baking sheet, and baking for 9 to 11 minutes for a half bag or 11 to 14 minutes for the whole bag.

Like most frozen foods with conventional and microwave oven instructions, doing it the long way creates an optimal product. However, there’s not a significant difference between the two preparations.

When microwaved, they’re kind of, well, squishy, which is the opposite of what Takis are. That’s sort of expected when microwaving without some sort of special crisping sleeve. From a conventional oven, they’re still squishy, but there’s some crispiness at the seams.

Totino s Takis Fuego Mini Snack Bites Frozen Microwaved

A lot of that squishiness comes from the cheezy imitation mozzarella filling. Thanks to every pizza commercial made, mozzarella is thought of as a stretchy cheese when a slice is pulled from a pizza. But what’s in these snack bites have a creamy not-quite-ready gelatin texture that I’ve never experienced before with any kind of mozzarella product.

Takis Fuego’s hot chili pepper and lime seasoning stands out on my taste buds and in the aroma that fills my nostrils as they come out of whatever oven I decide. A mild spiciness accompanies the peppery flavor, and the citrus enhances both.

The white filling, which has a slight cheesy tang, tempers the Fuego flavor. It’s also a tad sweet, which is a little weird. Somewhere in the ingredients list, there’s “dried cream cheese,” which might be the cause of everything odd about the filling. I also want to say its taste brings Laughing Cow cheese to mind.

Overall, I love the seasoning on Totino’s Takis Fuego Mini Snack Bites. However, I was expecting it to be a little spicier. I’m less sold on the cheezy filling. It tastes fine and sort of works with the peppery and citrus coating, but I don’t know if others will be as forgiving.

DISCLOSURE: I received a free sample of the product. (Thanks, Totino’s!) Doing so did not influence my review.

Purchased Price: FREE
Size: 13.9 oz bag
Purchased at: Received from Totino’s
Rating: 6 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (13 bites) 230 calories, 9 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 640 milligrams of sodium, 32 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, and 5 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Dunkin’ Stuffed Bagel Minis

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Dunkin Stuffed Bagel Minis Everything Seasoning

What are Dunkin’ Stuffed Bagel Minis?

Dunkin’ is finally taking a cue from Starbucks by adding mini bagel rounds filled with cream cheese to its menu.

How are they?

Before I get into that, I have to whine.

Ya know those donut holes Dunkin’ is famous for? The snackable miniature versions of its famous donuts? What are they called again?

The only reason I ask is because Dunkin’ completely dropped the bagel ball by not calling these “Bagel Munchkins,” right? Why aren’t these called “Bagel Munchkins”? Honestly, if that name is being phased out because it’s mildly offense, I’m ok with it, but why aren’t these called “Bagel Munchkins”? They had that one on a tee – Dunkin’ Bagel Munchkins.

I should probably stop saying the word just in case. Besides, it reminds me of the Secretary of the Treasury, and that dude owes me $1200.

Dunkin Stuffed Bagel Minis Coffee

Ok, so stuffed bagel minis – are they good? Yeah, sure, they’re pretty good.

The Everything seasoning-topped bagel shell had the exact texture I dig. I like a fat, chewy, room temperature bagel.

Dunkin Stuffed Bagel Minis Cream Cheese

These are a good bite, but I didn’t love the cream cheese filling. There’s too much of it, and it was burning hot, even after driving home a few minutes. I expected that but realized I definitely prefer cold, more solidified cream cheese.

Still, these are fun. The “M-word” version of a Dunkin’ bagel is much better than its regular bagels, which are trash-tier.

Anything else you need to know?

Dunkin Stuffed Bagel Minis

These come in packs of two, which is a perfect serving size.

You can also get a Plain bagel version. I was going to try those as well. But honestly, I think I can make my assumption on those from eating the undoubtedly superior Everything topped one.

Conclusion:

I would get these again 100 times out 100 over a regular bagel, but I would wait a couple of minutes to let the cream cheese lava cool down.

I hope Dunkin’ eventually uses Bantam Bagels as inspiration to try some flavored cream cheeses and more varieties of bagels.

Purchased Price: $2.49
Size: 2-pack
Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (2 Minis) 260 calories, 12 grams of fat, 0 gram of trans fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 30 mg of cholesterol, 400 milligrams of sodium, 34 grams of total carbohydrates, 5 grams of total sugars, 3 grams of fiber, and 8 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Dunkin’ Signature Pumpkin Spice Latte

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Dunkin Signature Pumpkin Spice Latte Cup

What is the Dunkin’ Signature Pumpkin Spice Latte?

If you’re searching for a slight remix on the typical Pumpkin Spice Latte, Dunkin’ has you covered.

How is it?

Quick, without looking, what’s today’s date?!

Yeah, I had no idea either, but I bet you’re a little shocked we’ve already reached Pumpkin Spice Season. Sure, it seems to come earlier and earlier every year, but if you told me it was June 10th, I wouldn’t put up a fight. Times and dates have become a complete blur.

If you need something to help shake that fog, might I suggest this new Signature Pumpkin Spice Latte.

Dunkin Signature Pumpkin Spice Latte Dunkin Logo

The word “Signature” might be fogging my thought process here, but this tastes like an “upscale” iced pumpkin spiced latte. A slightly more mature tasting Dunkin’ drink if you will. The difference here is a shot of espresso and vanilla.

The vanilla flavor definitely bleeds through nicely. The espresso balances the pumpkin flavor, which prevents it from being too overbearing or artificial tasting.

Anything else you need to know?

The downside about lattes, especially at Dunkin’, is that they ultimately end up tasting more like a milk drink than a coffee. That sounds obvious, but if I told you this was some kind of NesQuik-style coffee and pumpkin-flavored milk, you’d believe me. I acknowledge how nitpicky this sounds.

Dunkin Signature Pumpkin Spice Latte Whip

I’m hot and cold on whipped topping, but the cinnamon-topped cream here was a perfect addition. I actually think I liked the last few sips of latte and melted topping best.

Oh, and speaking of hot and cold, you can get this hot or iced. I always opt for iced.

Conclusion:

So, this really isn’t an extreme departure from the pumpkin spice fare you’re used to, but it’s still quite good.

I like the thought process. Pumpkin spice is a bit played out, so why not start mixing it with other flavors and really ramp it up? Vanilla is a good start, but I want some Mocha Pumpkin Spice stuff or something weirder like Coconut Pumpkin Spice. That should be the bridge coffee from summer to fall.

It’s fall now, right? What day is it again? I forgot already.

Purchased Price: $3.79
Size: Small
Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 250 calories, 12 grams of fat, 5 gram of trans fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 20 mg of cholesterol, 160 milligrams of sodium, 43 grams of total carbohydrates, 38 grams of total sugars, 0 grams of fiber, 8 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Funfetti Cereal

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Funfetti Cereal Box

What is Funfetti Cereal

If you seek a socially acceptable way to eat cake for breakfast, Pillsbury is here to guide you with rainbow-speckled cereal puffs that recreate the taste of the company’s trademark sprinkle cake.

How is it?

Sugary cereals are one of my favorite comfort foods. I especially enjoy them as a snack between my third and fourth hours of languishing after work. While I often acknowledge kids as potential consumers when writing these reviews, I can’t help but feel like Funfetti Cereal was developed by Pillsbury especially for suckers like me.

If you purchase it, be sure to take a deep breath when you first open the bag. The vanilla aroma is wonderfully strong, the perfect imitation of Funfetti cake mix or batter. Because I have very few baking-related traumas, the scent evokes only pleasant memories of baking, birthdays, and other wholesome events worthy of a Pillsbury commercial.

Funfetti Cereal Sprinkles

The taste is equally spot-on: very vanilla-forward, not overly sweet, and with hints of buttery flavor. The colorful flecks — stand-ins for sprinkles — on the puffs themselves do not add flavor or texture, but are very visually appealing. The color presents opportunities to re-purpose the cereal in other snacks: as the base of a marshmallow cereal treat, part of a snack mix, or garnish on top of a confetti cake.

Funfetti Cereal in Milk

The cereal is made with corn flour, which I don’t typically prefer because the texture can turn gummy after a few bites, especially in milk. I was pleasantly surprised that the cereal pieces avoid this tendency, maybe in part due to their size. Each piece is about 1.5 times the size of a Cocoa Puff, so their lightly crunchy texture holds up pretty well in milk. Milk also seems to amplify the cereal’s sweetness, so if you really are debating between eating a bowl of cereal and a slab of icing-lathered cake for breakfast, choosing Funfetti cereal with milk might bring you closer to a reasonable compromise.

Anything else you need to know?

For those ambitious enough to cook their breakfasts, Pillsbury also offers a Funfetti pancake mix.

Conclusion:

Funfetti Cereal perfectly recreates the sweet vanilla flavor of its namesake cake. For anyone with a sweet tooth, it is satisfying, colorful comfort food at any time of day.

DISCLOSURE: I received a free sample of the product. Doing so did not influence my review in any way.

Purchased Price: FREE
Size: 17 oz box
Purchased at: Received from Walmart
Rating: 8 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (1 1/4 cup) 160 calories, 1.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 180 milligrams of sodium, 36 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 16 grams of sugar, and 1 gram of protein.

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