REVIEW: Talenti Gelato Layers Pumpkin Pie

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Talenti Pumpkin Pie Gelato Layers Tub

What is Talenti Gelato Layers Pumpkin Pie

A seasonal offering from the undisputed gelato king of Englewood Cliffs, New Jersey, Talenti’s layered pumpkin pie offering goes: pumpkin gelato, pie pieces, brown sugar sauce, pumpkin gelato again, and more pie pieces.

How is it?

Talenti Pumpkin Pie Gelato Layers Top

The first time I tried it, I wanted to call it “bland” or maybe “inoffensive.” You know, the Neil Diamond of frozen dairy-based confections. I didn’t like how I couldn’t easily get all three layers in one spoonful, or how the “brown sugar sauce” didn’t seem to have the cinnamon undercarriage brown sugar generally requires in a dessert setting. (Cinnamon is listed as an ingredient, for what it’s worth.) And while the pie pieces are, I don’t know, dough-like(?), overall, the texture is one-note and is missing a good crunch.

Talenti Pumpkin Pie Gelato Layers Closeup

But then I had some the next day, and although nothing in the gelato had technically changed — the brown sugar sauce and the pie pieces were still limply uninspired — I found myself thinking everything was SO GOOD! SO GOOD! (That’s a Neil Diamond reference for those of you who aren’t a 65-year-old aunt.) Instead of being upset with the gelato’s gentle nature, I found myself appreciating the subtlety of the pumpkin flavor. As an unabashed pumpkophile, I generally want my pumpkin to be aggressive and unapologetic; if you are not a fan this approach, however, you might enjoy this gelato.

Anything else you need to know?

Will Ferrell doing Neil Diamond doing an episode of VH1’s Storytellers on SNL in 1998 is seriously one of the greatest Ferrell moments in his tenure on the show. Drop whatever you’re doing, open another tab (don’t leave TIB, obviously), Google it and then watch the video. Tell me it’s not amazing, I dare you.

Conclusion:

If you want an in-your-face, violent pumpkin gelato, this probably isn’t it. But if you’re in the market for a smooth, reasonable dose of gourdy goodness, this is a good bet. (Mostly because I don’t think there is a ton of pumpkin gelato out there to choose from.)

Purchased Price: $4.29
Size: 1 pint
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (2/3 cup) 280 calories, 13 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 60 milligrams of sodium, 37 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 grams of fiber, 29 grams of sugar, and 4 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Dunkin’ The Charli Cold Brew Coffee

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Dunkin The Charli Cold Brew Coffee Cup 2

What is Dunkin’s “The Charli”

What? You don’t know TikTok superstar Charli D’Amelio’s favorite Dunkin’ order?

Pff, I scoff at you. Everyone knows it’s a medium cold brew with whole milk and three pumps of caramel!

How is it?

How is it, or WHY is it?

I have to admit, I didn’t get “The Charli,” literally or figuratively. I technically cheated and got a small, which I nicknamed, “The Chaz.” (A large is obviously “The Charles.”)

Dunkin The Charli Cold Brew Coffee Cup

I mean, it’s a cold brew with milk and a lot of sugary caramel syrup. I think smalls only get two pumps, but even that was a bit too sweet for my blood. I don’t get flavors in cold brew because it masks the cold brew flavor and makes it taste like a regular iced coffee. It’s a subtle difference, but I notice it. Whole milk is not my #1 dairy choice, but it was fine.

Now to get to the why…hmm, how do I write about this weird collaboration without sounding like an angry geezer?

Dunkin The Charli Cold Brew Coffee Bottom

Anything else you need to know?

“Charli Cold Brew” sounds like the name of the guy who gets the mafia coffee, or the worst mixtape rapper of all time. Notice how I said “mixtape rapper” instead of “Soundcloud rapper.” That should give you an indication that I probably shouldn’t speak about a 16-year-old girl who dances for 15 seconds on an app I’ve never used, the eponymous Charli D’Amelio.

She’s a massive internet star, but I’m just going on Dunkin’s word – there was zero chance I was Googling a teenager dancing.

Look, I’m sure Dunkin’s partnering with Charli has brought them a ton of business from kids who probably shouldn’t be drinking cold brew, but I just don’t understand how absolutely lazy this campaign is. There’s more to the partnership, though. You can win a “virtual hangout with Charli,” but even that strikes me as half-baked.

“It’s her favorite drink, gramps!” Fair, but this is just a regular menu item. Why not fib a little and release something new and exciting? It’s like that ridiculous Travis Scott meal at McDonald’s. People inexplicably flocked there to get Sprite and some BBQ sauce on a Quarter Pounder. They couldn’t at least add a special pickle to the burger or something?!

I don’t like this new trend of brand/celebrity collaborations that aren’t bringing anything new to the table. What’s the point? Why are famous chains doing the “name a deli sandwich after a customer” thing?

Side note: when I realized my local deli didn’t have a “Vin,” I asked, “What am I chopped liver?!” Now they serve a chopped liver sandwich called the “Vin.” (2 out of 10.)

But seriously, am I wrong to be ticked off at the marketing, or am I reading the situation wrong?

Conclusion:

“You’re talking about them, Old Timer?! It’s obviously working!”

I know, I just find it so lazy! I can’t shake that feeling, which is probably a Charli dance video title.

Dunkin Charli Dance

As far as I know, Dunkin’ has never collaborated with a celebrity like this. They decided to break the (way too much) ice with a kid from a niche app by promoting a regular variety of cold brew coffee? Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one?! (I’m showing my age.)

Ya know what? I’m already too deep into “get off my lawn” territory here. I’ll shut up. You want a Charli, go get a Charli. Tell ’em Cactus Jack sent ya.

Purchased Price: $2.99
Size: Small
Purchased at: Dunkin
Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: Not available on the website.

REVIEW: Oreo Mooncakes (Thailand)

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Oreo Mooncakes Thailand 1

What are Oreo Mooncakes?

Oreo cookies are The Borg. An alien life form that roams the galaxy, conquering and assimilating civilizations (for the non-Trekkies). Sure, they’re not doing it by force – more like delicious seduction – but still, there’s no culture or food item that cannot or will not be Ore-ized. Churros, candy canes, matcha, and now – mooncakes. Resistance is futile.

Mooncakes are iconic Asian delicacies – baked pastry wrapped around a paste filling. They’re served during the Mid-Autumn Festival (October 1st this year) to celebrate the autumn full moon. While the cakes and the festival originated in China, they’re both celebrated and eaten across the continent. China, Taiwan, Singapore, Vietnam, Thailand, Malaysia, Indonesia, Cambodia, and the Philippines roll out the beloved mooncakes each year – often with variations of favorite fillings and styles. Japan and Korea celebrate related fall lunar festivals, but mooncakes are not a large part of their menus.

Mondelez (Oreo’s parent company) have become a player in the mooncake game in the past few years through their Vietnamese division, and you know Oreo just had to make an appearance! They’ve been exporting Oreo Mooncakes to China, Singapore, and Thailand since 2017 in flavors like brownie, strawberry jam, cocoa with milk, cappuccino, and pineapple custard.

Oreo Mooncakes Thailand 2

I failed to source these last year, so I was thrilled to see them for sale online in America recently. Apparently importing mooncakes to the U.S. is a tricky business. Google this if you have time to go down a rabbit hole of egg yolks and customs regulations. I bought a 2-cake set with one Oreo brownie-flavored and one strawberry jam-flavored mooncake. While manufactured in Vietnam, it came via Thailand, so these mooncakes have more passport stamps than most people I know!

How are they?

It had been a while since I had regular mooncakes, so I decided to buy some from a Chinatown bakery to compare. They had flaky pastry shells, and heavy but delicious fillings – red bean, lotus and pineapple.

Oreo Mooncakes Thailand 3

After opening the gorgeous Oreo gift box, I cut into the brownie mooncake first. The pastry shell was considerably doughier than a traditional mooncake, although definitely had that Oreo black cocoa flavor. It was the most Oreo-y element. The tan-colored filling might have been lotus paste, but it was hard to tell because the chocolate brownie center totally overwhelmed it. It was delicious, but more brownie than Oreo.

Oreo Mooncakes Thailand 4

Next up, the strawberry jam mooncake. Its pastry was even softer, without much flakiness. The first few bites were bland strawberry, until I got to a small ribbon of the jam center. I wished there was more jam – it upped the flavor quite a bit, and turned it into a pretty decent little cake.

Oreo Mooncakes Thailand 5

The fillings in both cakes were less dense than the traditional – very solid – mooncakes. The Oreo fillings felt more like half-baked cookie dough. They’re still enough to fill your belly quickly, though.

Oreo Mooncakes Thailand 6

Overall, a unique experience, but they somehow lost a lot of the charm of both Oreo cookies and mooncakes in the combination.

Anything else you need to know?

This box was absolutely stunning and high-quality. There’s a magnetic closure on top, and it opens like wings. The side panels are laser cut with floral designs.

Oreo Mooncakes Thailand 7

Oreo Mooncakes Thailand 8

Conclusion:

These are interesting, but without the classic Chinese flavors, there’s some context lost here – like those reproductions of historic sculptures covered in neon paint. They are shiny magenta Venus de Milos.

But, if you love traditional mooncakes, these are worth a try for the sheer audacity of them. If you love Oreo cookies, they’re worth trying for the completely different format. If you’re on the fence, give ‘em a try, but try a regular mooncake first for a frame of reference.

Purchased Price: $35.00 + shipping
Size: 2-cake gift box
Purchased at: Desert Drinks and Exotics
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Oreo Brownie)
Rating: 5 out of 10 (Strawberry Jam)
Nutrition Facts:– (1 cake) Oreo Brownie Mooncake – 320 kcalories, 11 grams of fat, 95 milligrams of sodium, 49 grams of carbohydrates, 21 grams of sugar, and 5 grams of protein. Strawberry Jam Mooncake – 280 kcalories, 7 grams of fat, 65 milligrams of sodium, 51 grams of carbohydrates, 24 grams of sugar, and 4 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Fireball Cinnamon Holiday Nog

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Fireball Cinnamon Holiday Nog Carton

What is Fireball Cinnamon Holiday Nog?

From the makers of Fireball Cinnamon Whisky comes a non-alcoholic, cinnamon-flavored holiday nog that doesn’t have the warm spice listed in its ingredients. According to the carton, “Fireball Holiday Nog is rich and creamy, energized with the bold Fireball taste you love.”

How is it?

Well, I haven’t had Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey, so I can’t say if it has a bold Fireball taste. But the nog does have a familiar flavor.

Do you like Wrigley’s Big Red Gum? Do you swallow Wrigley’s Big Red Gum, seven years of digestion be dammed? If so, then drinking this will have your taste buds thinking you’ve poured a creamy, liquidized version of the gum into your mouth. So no worries about gum wads slithering through your digestive tract for seven years. Although, you’ve never had to worry about that.

While this nog’s flavor reminds me of Big Red Gum, and it’s from a whisky brand that claims its main product, “Tastes Like Heaven, Burns Like Hell,” it has no cinnamon burn. I don’t know if that’s from it lacking the ingredients that cause the burn or if the dairy in this instantly soothes it.

Fireball Cinnamon Holiday Nog Carton Closeup

I’m sure there have been other cinnamon-heavy nogs, but this is the first one I’ve experienced. And I have to say that I very much like its bold flavor, which I’ve been savoring from fancy whiskey glasses.

Anything else you need to know?

Fireball Cinnamon Holiday Nog Carton Firenog

Despite ownership of fancy whiskey glasses, I don’t drink alcohol. So I didn’t do what the carton, I mean, The Dragon recommends, which is add some Fireball Cinnamon Whisky to this to make a Firenog cocktail. (Wait. How come this nog isn’t called Firenog?) Its recipe calls for mixing one part Fireball Whisky with two parts of this creamy beverage. I imagine if you flip the ratio, it’ll turn you into the dragon that’s wrapped around the carton or make you feel like you did.

Also, note that it’s a “Holiday Nog.” So no eggs were used. But dipotassium phosphate was. I loves me some dipo-pho!

Conclusion:

Fireball Cinnamon Holiday Nog’s bold flavor might be a turnoff for some tongues, but I adore it.

DISCLOSURE: I received free product samples. (Thanks, Walmart!) Doing so did not influence my review.

Purchased Price: FREE
Size: 1 quart
Purchased at: Available at Walmart
Rating: 8 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (1 cup) 280 calories, 8 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 35 milligrams of cholesterol, 220 milligrams of sodium, 42 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 39 grams of sugar, and 8 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Hershey’s Vampire Kisses

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Hershey s Vampire Kisses Bag

What are Hershey’s Vampire Kisses

Just in time for the Halloween season, Hershey’s has introduced Vampire Kisses, a variation of its classic milk chocolate candy. Along with the chocolate, it’s filled with strawberry-flavored crème.

How are they?

Hershey s Vampire Kisses Chocolate

The milk chocolate shell is the same tangy butyric acid-infused Hershey’s chocolate to which American consumers are accustomed. I’ve recently heard the flavor described as “yogurty,” which is all I can think of when tasting it now.

Hershey s Vampire Kisses Filling

According to the package, the filling is a strawberry-flavored crème, but there’s a lack of distinct strawberry flavor in it. It’s better described as generically fruity and without creaminess either.

Though, in a bit of flavor serendipity, the combination of acidic chocolate and fruity filling combine to remind me of the berries and Greek yogurt parfait I had for breakfast. I doubt that’s intentional.

Anything else you need to know?

The fanged Kisses depicted on the packing suggest that the candies themselves have been turned to undead creatures of the night. That’s ridiculous, of course. Instead, I propose that these are candies meant for vampires. Here’s how I think some famous blood-suckers would consume a Vampire Kiss.

Count Orlok – This rodent-looking guy nibbles the top off, then attempts to suck the strawberry filling out. Unfortunately for Orlok, I can confirm that the filling is much too viscous to be consumed in this way.

Vlad “The Impaler” Dracula – Individually, with a toothpick. It can be done, but the candy shell is liable to crack unless it’s well-chilled, and no self-respecting vampire is going to devour a victim that’s gone cold.

Louis de Pointe du Lac (A.K.A. Brad Pitt in Interview with a Vampire) – After monologuing about the dark-as-night chocolate and filling sweet as the crimson sun at dawn that shall never again greet him, Louie quickly tires of them, lamenting that each Kiss is dust to his undead palate.

The Count – This denizen of Sesame Street knows that these are 55 individual Kisses in his bag. Being a nobleman with an appreciation for aesthetics, he doesn’t eat any since 55 is such a pleasing number.

Edward Cullen – Edward’s fervor for Hershey’s Kisses is unparalleled, but he knows that to succumb to temptation inevitably leads to their destruction. He keeps a bag in the back of the cupboard, knowing it’s only a matter of time before he gives in.

Angel/Angelus – Angel, the beau of Buffy, the vampire slayer, would never risk a Kiss. Kisses lead to more intimate encounters, which lead to the one moment of perfect happiness that would rip his soul away, turning him to the evil Angelus. Angelus is a total chocoholic, so he eats the entire bag.

Conclusion:

In fiction, a kiss from a vampire (that is, being bitten) has one of two consequences. Either you’re turned superhuman being beyond human reckoning, or you’re a left a lifeless husk drained of all vitality. There’s not much in-between, which is why these candies falling into mediocrity is so disappointing.

Purchased Price: $3.59
Size: 9 oz bag (255g)
Purchased at: Piggly Wiggly
Rating: 5 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (6 pieces) 120 calories, 5 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, less than 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 20 milligrams of sodium, 18 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 16 grams of sugar including 13 grams of added sugar, and 2 grams of protein.

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