REVIEW: Goldfish Mega Bites Cheddar Jalapeno

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Goldfish Cheddar Jalapeno Mega Bites Bag

What are Goldfish Mega Bites Cheddar Jalapeño?

Like many of us, Goldfish came into the new year with a resolution — to get JACKED. Pepperidge Farm’s classic cheddar cracker goes Mega, doubling in size and bringing the heat with Cheddar Jalapeño seasoning.

How are they?

Goldfish Cheddar Jalapeno Mega Bites In the Bag

They’re good, but not super exciting. I was really surprised by the intensity and accuracy of last spring’s Frank’s RedHot collaboration, and with those lingering in my memory, I want a more robust taste from something with the word “mega” on it. The jalapeño is definitely there, bringing a nice heat to the tried and true cheddar flavor of the standard Goldfish cracker, but it doesn’t really wow me.

I’ve found with the Flavor Blasted line that the dusty seasoning applied is never as potent as a proper junky potato chip, and that applies here. I want a bit more bite from the fish as a whole.

Goldfish Cheddar Jalapeno Mega Bites Spill

One of the elements I really enjoy about Goldfish is their volume, and I’m not sure the bigger size adds anything positive to my preferred snacking experience. They’re not bad or stale, but the texture is ever-so-slightly less enjoyable than the original size. The crunch isn’t quite as tight, and I can’t get as many into my mouth at once, so there’s a less satisfying crunch.

Anything else you need to know?

A serving of regular Goldfish clocks in at 55 pieces for 30 grams, whereas the Mega Bites come in at 22 for 30 grams, officially making them MORE than twice the size of the classic fishies. While there’s also a 10 calorie boost for the Mega Bites, I would say it’s safe to assume each Mega is about 2.25 times the size. For reference, here’s a Mega next to a classic Golden Oreo.

Goldfish Cheddar Jalapeno Mega Bites Size

Conclusion:

While this review may seem negative, I actually think Goldfish are underrated. Cheez-Its are my favorite cheesy cracker, but right behind them are Goldfish, and they’re frequently on hand as a go-to snack for my partner. These fishies will absolutely be devoured, but I wouldn’t repurchase them, as I don’t think the bigger size leads to bigger satisfaction.

Purchased Price: $2.49
Size: 5.9 oz
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 6 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (22 pieces/30 grams) 150 calories, 7 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 320 milligrams of sodium, 18 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 0 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Nestle Coffee mate Golden Graham and Kellogg’s Rice Krispies Treats Creamer

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Nestle Coffee mate Golden Grahams Creamer Bottles

It’s fascinating that cereals from competing companies are two of Coffee mate’s new creamer flavors — General Mills’ Golden Grahams and Kellogg’s Rice Krispies Treats.

I don’t know if the behind the scenes there were awkward moments where the Coffee mate person who makes these deals had to explain to the cereal people that Coffee mate is also going to offer at the same time a creamer that’s flavored like a competitor’s cereal. I also don’t know if those moments were followed with an “Oops. Tee hee hee. No backsies.”

The cereal choices are also fascinating. One has marshmallow flavor and the other has graham flavor, and if you’re doing the snack math in your head, we’re some chocolate away from s’mores.

I’ll get back to that creamer mixology in a moment, but let’s talk about them individually.

It’s been a year or two since I’ve last had Golden Grahams cereal, but the moment I put my nose above the creamer’s spout, it immediately registered as the classic cereal. When I sampled it sans coffee, it hit my taste buds with a Golden Grahams flavor that’s stronger than the cereal itself. It would make the Golden Grahams mascot proud, whatever it is. Has there ever been one? Anyhoo, in my cold brew coffee, that flavor is still noticeable, but obviously milder because it’s competing with the coffee’s flavor.

Nestle Coffee mate Rice Krispies Treats Creamer Bottle

As for the Rice Krispies Treats one, it smells exactly like the marshmallow and rice cereal treat, but I can’t say the same about its taste. In coffee, it gives my daily cold brew a marshmallow flavor that pops, but there’s no Snap, Crackle, or Pop. Though, it’s not surprising since I couldn’t taste any cereal when I drank it straight out of the bottle like a good product reviewer should. With just a marshmallow flavor, it reminds me of another coffee creamer I’ve had, but I’m not sure which one. I’ve had a lot. Maybe I’m thinking of the s’mores-flavored creamer or the Peeps one I had a few years ago.

Nestle Coffee mate S mores Mashup

Speaking of s’mores, let’s now find out how combining the two with a bit of chocolate will turn out. Fortunately, I had some Hershey’s syrup sitting in my fridge like a good product reviewer should. After some trial and error, mixing two tablespoons of each creamer with one tablespoon of Hershey’s syrup got me a balanced s’mores flavor in my coffee and a lot of sugar. It was definitely better tasting than the s’more-flavored creamer I mentioned earlier that lacked a graham flavor.

Now I don’t know if Coffee mate decided to release these two flavors at the same time to encourage shoppers to buy both so that they can make s’mores-flavored coffee, but I’ll just make the folks there look good by saying they did. After trying them separately and together (with chocolate) in several cups of coffee, I’ve enjoyed these creamers either way and I recommend giving them a try.

DISCLOSURE: I received free product samples from Coffee mate. Doing so did not influence my review. I know it totally reads like it did, but I assure you it did not.

Purchased Price: FREE
Size: 32 fl oz bottles
Purchased at: Received from Coffee mate
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Golden Grahams), 7 out of 10 (Rice Krispies Treats)
Nutrition Facts: (1 tbsp) 35 calories, 1.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 15 milligrams of sodium, 5 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of sugar, 5 grams of added sugar, and 0 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Frosted Boston Creme Donut and Frosted Apple Fritter Pop-Tarts

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Frosted Boston Creme Donut and Frosted Apple Fritter Pop Tarts

On a website full of reviewers devoted to seeking out the greatest junk food, claiming any sort of donut expertise would involve Icarus-level hubris, and I’m not trying to drown in a sea of comments. However, as a native Bay Stater turned Southern California resident, I’ve spent my life in two places that are well known for the treat and feel comfortable claiming a deep love for doughnuts, which I spelled in full to pay proper respect. And of all the varieties that can make up a delicious dozen, someone from Massachusetts especially appreciates the donut shop staples that inspired the two newest Pop-Tarts: the Boston cream donut and the apple fritter. I was excited to see how they fared in toaster pastry form.

Frosted Boston Creme Donut Pop Tarts Icing

Let’s start with the Frosted Boston Creme Donut. I was skeptical because the bakery item this ‘Tart is based on is no slouch. We’re talking about the official state donut of the home of Dunkin’ Donuts here. But they certainly smelled like a Boston cream donut in the foil and looked exactly as a Pop-Tart version would and should. After taking a bite, I had to admit it was pretty close. The chocolate on top was too mild to evoke the thick frosting that would be on a donut but tasted nice. The custard filling was rich with hints of butterscotch, though achingly, unflinchingly sweet. I wouldn’t want to eat this for breakfast. But I never eat Boston cream donuts before noon, either.

Frosted Boston Creme Donut Pop Tarts Split

I’m not sure if heating up Boston cream donuts is a thing, but of the four ways one can enjoy a Pop-Tart according to the box (as-is, frozen, microwaved, and toasted), I thought toasted was the clear winner. It really intensified the chocolate flavor and made for a more balanced bite.

Frosted Apple Fritter Pop Tarts Icing

The Frosted Apple Fritter Pop-Tart felt like very comfortable territory for the brand. Fruit and frosting is a no-brainer for them at this point, and one could argue this was a little phoned-in. It smelled like any basic apple baked good but was not easily recognizable as an apple fritter. I had a similar feeling about the flavor. Knowing what it was supposed to taste like, I could convince myself that the frosting was like the hearty coating of glaze on a good fritter. The dried apples that found themselves in the “Contains 2% or less of” section of the ingredients packed a wonderful sharp appley punch (next level food science) that seemed to be coated in the same cinnamon as the chunks that dot the real thing. If I’m being honest with myself? This was just a very good apple Pop-Tart.

Frosted Apple Fritter Pop Tarts Split

If you need this one to taste like a fritter, I did find freezing it brought it closer to its namesake’s flavor profile. If you want to have a great time and don’t care about the name on the box, toast it. Hot apple cinnamon filling never hurt anybody. Okay, never hurt anybody patient enough to let it cool down enough first.

When I reflected on them as a pair, I realized the flavors were technically successful but shared the same fatal flaw: they aren’t exclusively donut flavors to begin with. The apples in a fritter are reminiscent of pie filling, and the Boston cream donut is unapologetically supposed to taste like a type of cake. Those flavors paired with a crumbly pastry crust? Well, to loosely quote a line said to a fellow donut lover on The Simpsons, ’tis a fine pie/cake Pop-Tart, but sure ‘tis no donut Pop-Tart.

So, they miss out on the same respect I pay doughnuts. But I do respect Pop-Tarts for always trying to give us offerings that are both comfortingly familiar and intriguingly unexpected.

Purchased Price: $3.29 (Both)
Size: 8-pack box (Both)
Purchased at: Shaw’s (Both)
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Frosted Boston Creme Donut), 7 out of 10 (Frosted Apple Fritter)
Nutrition Facts: (2 pastries) Frosted Boston Creme Donut – 370 calories, 9 grams of fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 mg of cholesterol, 250 milligrams of sodium, 70 grams of total carbohydrates, 31 grams of total sugars, 1 gram of fiber, and 4 grams of protein. Frosted Apple Fritter – 370 calories, 9 grams of fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 mg of cholesterol, 260 milligrams of sodium, 69 grams of total carbohydrates, 29 grams of total sugars, 1 gram of fiber, and 4 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Limited Edition Ultimate Chocolate Oreo Cookies

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Limited Edition Ultimate Chocolate Oreo Cookies Pouch

While we may be many years removed from the peak experimentation that delivered divisive flavors like Swedish Fish and Cotton Candy, Nabisco has yet to miss releasing a new Limited Edition Oreo during the first week of January for as long as I can remember. This year’s theme seems to be, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, with the introduction of the Ultimate Chocolate Oreo.

Following in the tradition of last January’s Brookie-O Oreo, Ultimate Chocolate ups the ante of Oreo’s iconic creme filling via a triple stack that pushes it beyond the density of Double Stuf. The layers have three distinct colors, although the actual cookie has much less separation between the tones than the packaging implies. The stack goes from light-ish brown to brown to black.

Limited Edition Ultimate Chocolate Oreo Cookies Colors

When thinking of chocolate types, my brain goes to milk, dark, and white, which Nabisco claims these flavors to be, despite the clear absence of a white creme. I also don’t really get a directly sweet white chocolate taste, but rather chocolate with varying bitterness levels. The package proudly boasts a massive chocolate cake slice, and as someone who just had a birthday and ate four cupcakes for breakfast, I think that’s spot on. The layers remind me of a cake with three types of chocolate – a standard chocolate sponge, a lighter chocolate buttercream, and a richer darker chocolate ganache topping.

There’s not nearly as much nuance in an Oreo cookie as there is in an actual slice of layer cake, but the beefed up creme filling sandwiched between two bittersweet wafers draws a fairly accurate comparison for a five-dollar bag of cookies. All the cremes become one concentrated flavor, and if I had to guess, I would say the stack is Oreo’s regular chocolate creme paired with the excellent dark chocolate creme and one we haven’t had before.

Limited Edition Ultimate Chocolate Oreo Cookies Side

The squishy filling oozing out against the firm and crumbly cookie conjures memories of diving my fork into the end of a cake slice with the perfect concentration of rich frosting. It’s delicious. Even better yet, take the top wafter off and you’re talking a legit 2-1 creme-to-cookie ratio, heading into double dark chocolate Dunkaroo territory (Betty Crocker…let’s work!)

Limited Edition Ultimate Chocolate Oreo Cookies Open

What these cookies lack in originality or newness, they make up for with their decadent satisfaction. No matter how hard companies try to experiment with new flavors, and don’t get me wrong, I LOVE creativity, there’s nothing quite like chocolate, and this cookie proves sometimes it pays off to simply play the hits.

Purchased Price: $4.49
Size: 13.2 oz
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (2 cookies) 180 calories, 9 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 95 milligrams of sodium, 25 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 17 grams of sugar, and 1 gram of protein.

REVIEW: Taco Bell Crispy Chicken Wings

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Taco Bell Crispy Chicken Wings Box

If you had told me a year ago, or heck, even just a few days ago, that I’d be “winging” in 2022 by reviewing chicken wings from Taco Bell, I would have said you were out of your gourd (or gordita, as it were). But if you squint, I guess there’s a strange sort of synergy to it. In recent years Taco Bell has been expanding its roster of alcohol-slinging “Cantina” locations, and what’s a more appropriate bar food than wings?

My first impression was that these Crispy Chicken Wings… looked like chicken wings. That’s maybe not the most profound musing, but cut me some slack, this was the first time I’d ever purchased, nay, even conceived of the idea of a food item from Taco Bell that was not slathered in cheese, beans, sour cream, or some combination thereof. I don’t know, I would have felt more at home if they’d at least slapped a gratuitous Doritos Locos logo on there or something.

I began by searching for the advertised “Mexican Queso seasoning.” I was eventually able to divine some, dare I say, cheetle-esque orange dust, but these wings are pretty standard-looking (albeit crispy). I would describe the coating as more ambiguously savory than particularly cheesy, but my main impression of its taste was, plain and simple, “fried,” which I consider to be a compliment!

Digging in deeper led me to a discovery even more surprising than the fact that Taco Bell is offering chicken wings in the first place, which is the fact that Taco Bell chicken wings are actually quite good.

My wings were tender and flavorful, the meat practically falling off the bone without the grittiness or stringiness that can plague lesser chicken items. I was pleasantly surprised that each wing offered a couple satisfying mouthfuls of meat that didn’t require me to gnaw at the bone for scraps like a hyena. I mean, of course I did that too, but it was for fun, not out of necessity!

Taco Bell Crispy Chicken Wings Spicy Ranch

These wings are served with a side of Spicy Ranch sauce, and while I can see how that creamy tingliness could elevate the experience for some, I personally found it a bit overpowering and was glad to let the moist meat stand on its own two chicken feet. The extra oomph of the crispy coating definitely helped, and between that and the substantial meat-to-bone ratio, the experience almost felt more like eating a hunk of fried chicken than a wing specifically. But maybe that’s just because one of my wings was so misshapen and chunky that it looked more like the state of Texas than anything that had once allowed a bird to fly.

Taco Bell Crispy Chicken Wings Texas

All in all, I had a blast with these wings (a Mountain Dew Baja Blast, to be precise). As long as you make it to your local Taco Bell before their week-long Chicken Run – which started on January 6th — is over, I think you will too.

Purchased Price: $5.99
Size: Five chicken wings per box
Rating: 9 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 750 calories with Spicy Ranch sauce/530 without, 54/31 grams of fat, 10/6 grams of saturated fat, 230/205 milligrams of cholesterol, 1970/1770 milligrams of sodium, 26/23 grams of carbohydrates, 3/2 grams of fiber, 1/0 gram of sugar, and 40/39 grams of protein.

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