REVIEW: Brach’s Desserts of the World Jelly Beans

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Want to go around the world without stepping foot through TSA?

Here is your option, people.

Brach’s has offered us an invitation to journey abroad, through France, America, Japan, Spain, and… wherever lemon sorbet comes from…

(\*Rushes to Google\*)

Italy! Yes, Italy is where lemon sorbet is from. And they all come in this one, simple baggie.

But before we begin tasting, you should know: my standards for jelly beans are of the highest order. I expect a crunchy candy outside, a slightly-grainy, but-not-too-grainy jelly inside, and zero flavors of artificial dyes. There should be little air and plenty of flavor. I want sugar and a lot of it. Plus, my nickname is Jelly Bean. I must uphold my good name!

So, with that rant done, let’s begin the taste test:

Lemon sorbet: tastes like a lemon drop. Super sweet, barely tangy. Not bad, but not mind-blowing.

Strawberry mochi: Tastes a bit like a strawberry milkshake and bubble gum sprinkled with Trix on top. It’s Hello Kitty in jelly bean form. I’m impressed.

Chocolate macaron: Tastes like a bad idea wrapped in a sugary wet paper bag. Or like a super sweet, yet stale Tootsie Roll that you find buried in that coat you were about to donate.

Apple pie: Tastes like an apple Jolly Rancher that dissolved in a glass of water. Mainly sugar, very little apple.

Churro: Interesting. Tastes like brown sugar. Lacks that oomph of freshly fried, cinnamon-coated dough. May make Spain cry tears of sadness.

On the whole, the texture of these is a little lumpy, chunky, and overly sweet, which is more disappointing than when you realize your car’s back tire got a nail in it last week and it’s been slowly, slowly deflating, but you don’t want to take it to the shop because rent’s due and nothing’s happened yet, right?? So you should be good…

Look, Brach’s gave it their best here. They get props for trying something new in a space where few do. However, the strawberry mochi pieces are the only ones I’d come back for. The texture of the beans was inconsistent, the lemon, apple, and churro were uneventful, and the chocolate macaron really brought the whole bag down. You can give these a try if you like eating stuff that’s disappointing, but maybe avoid them if you want to live a happy, non-disappointing life.

Purchased Price: $3.50
Size: 10 oz bag
Purchased at: Five Below
Rating: 5 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (21 pieces) 110 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 5 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 21 grams of sugar, and 0 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Ben & Jerry’s Churray for Churros! Ice Cream

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Churros and ice cream are nearly complete opposites. Aside from their robust sweetness, I can’t imagine many things in the dessert realm that are more drastically different than each other. One is hot and crispy, while the other is cold and melty.

When I dream up the ideal churro, the first thing that comes to mind is a fried crunch that gives way to soft fluffy dough with a sharp sugary cinnamon bite. When I imagine the perfect pint, I see gooey swirls and chewy chunks in a velvety smooth base. They’re like completely different experiences, right? I’ve had churros in ice cream before and it hasn’t worked, but Ben & Jerry’s is daringly giving it a shot. Churray for Churros! is buttery cinnamon ice cream with churro pieces and crunchy cinnamon swirls.

Bad news first: this pint doesn’t give me much of the satisfaction I associate with a churro, but the good news is it is a really great cinnamon ice cream. The base is delightful. It is absolutely buttery with a smooth texture that gives way to a very prominent but sweet cinnamon flavor that works beautifully with the lush fatty dairy notes. It is a mild flavor that most fans of the spice should find sufficient while not being so intense that it will turn people away who may not love it as much as I do; it is balanced.

The “churro pieces” are really more like a cross between a chewy cookie and cookie dough. They’re very soft and slightly gritty, not nearly as gritty as the classic gobs of chocolate chip cookie dough B&J are known for, but there’s a hint of undone-ness to the chew. They amp up the cinnamon flavor AND the buttery flavor from the base, and it’s like a match made in heaven. Again, these “churro pieces” don’t really remind me of a churro texturally at all, but when I’ve had churro pieces in other ice creams, it has been a disaster. So kudos to the gurus in Vermont for figuring this one out because the cinnamon sugar taste is awesome.

There are a ton of churro pieces in my pint but not so much of the crunchy cinnamon swirls. I don’t notice a big textural shift between bites, and with three cinnamon components, it’s hard to differentiate exactly what’s going on. In fact, that’s the only issue I have with this creation is that while it’s very good, it’s a bit of a one-trick pony. This is the perfect ice cream to have a single scoop of on a cone or to use as the base of a sundae. But on its own, it feels like it’s one component away from being a B&J all-timer.

Perhaps pairing this with churro dipping sauce, like a dulce de leche or fudge swirl, could have taken this to churro spiral city. Churray for Churros! reminds me a lot more of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and snickerdoodle cookie dough than it does churros, but I am a cinnamon fiend, and all of those profiles have a special place in my heart, even if it’s a bit one-note at times.

DISCLOSURE: I received a free product sample from Ben & Jerry’s. Doing so did not influence my review.

Purchased Price: FREE
Size: One Pint
Purchased at: N/A
Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (2/3 cup, 133g) 380 calories, 23 grams of fat, 11 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 80 milligrams of cholesterol, 170 milligrams of sodium, 39 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 33 grams of total sugars, and 5 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Papa Johns Crispy Parm Pizza

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Cheese pizza is the most underrated item in the fast food world. Often looked at as “plain” or “boring,” cheese pizza’s perfection is in its simplicity. While I do enjoy various toppings on pizza as well as “creative” offerings, it’s nice to do a palate cleanse once in a while. Papa Johns’ new Crispy Parm Pizza seems like a perfect chance for my taste buds to hit the reset button.

The menu item takes Papa Johns’ thin crust and adds a layer of toasted parmesan cheese to the bottom. As someone who has thrown shredded cheese into a hot pan to make a crispy cheese bite on more than one occasion, I was very into this idea. You can order it with up to one topping, but I am pleased to have stuck with just cheese.

Driving home, the unmistakable smell of parmesan filled my little Ford Focus. It made me all the more excited to try the item. Visually, it was a standard issue-looking cheese pizza. I immediately flipped a slice over to look at the crispy parmesan on the bottom. There was a fairly decent amount adorning the crust’s underside. It was, however, not super crisp to the touch. I had hoped it would have a more crispy bite when trying it, but that wasn’t the case.

My first taste confirmed that the “crisp” parmesan doesn’t really add any textural difference to the item. I think once the pizza gets put in the box, the parmesan loses its crispness from the heat reflecting off the cardboard. But it does add a lot of flavor to the pizza, working well with the sweet red sauce and salty mozzarella to deliver a satisfying slice.

While I was disappointed the item didn’t fully live up to its name, I still enjoyed it. Papa Johns’ Crispy Parm Pizza has all the makings of a really good pizza, but it just trips a bit at the finish line. I think if you have the time (i.e., aren’t planning to immediately eat it when you bring it home), throwing it in the oven on a sheet pan might crisp up the bottom more. That sort of defeats the purpose of bringing home pizza for dinner, but it might be worth the extra step.

Purchased Price: $12.99
Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (1 slice) 260 calories, 15 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 650 milligrams of sodium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 1 gram of sugar, and 12 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Twix Cookie Dough Ice Cream

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“My goodness, the cookies are crunchy!”

Those were the first words to pop into my head after tasting a spoonful of Twix Cookie Dough Ice Cream. It wasn’t, “Dear Lord, the caramel swirl is so gooey!” Or, “Hot skippity damn, the cookie dough bites are so cookie dough-y!” Or, “Oh my, the vanilla flavored reduced fat ice cream with artificial flavor added is so creamy!” The Twix caramel cookie bar pieces shouldn’t be the most memorable components of this new ice cream from Mars, but they are to me, and that’s probably not a good thing.

However, I do have to say they’re crunchier than the actual cookie in a Twix bar. Granted, I did get this pretty much straight from the factory, thanks to Mars. Also, while they’re chocolate-coated and apparently have caramel, I didn’t taste either. Maybe their crunch might be distracting me from noticing.

Despite the caramel swirl and the crunch from the Twix cookie pieces, I couldn’t shake the thought that this tasted like a typical chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. The cookie dough bites have the same flavor and soft, gritty texture as they do from other brands. But while they’re somewhat plentiful, their size isn’t impressive compared to the gobs in a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough.

“Vanilla flavored reduced fat ice cream with artificial flavor added” isn’t the most tantalizing string of words, but the sweet and creamy vanilla base does the job of allowing the cookie dough flavor to come through whenever your spoon scoops one up.

Twix Cookie Dough Ice Cream is adequate, and I happily ate the entire pint to satisfy my sweet tooth. But I wish this had chopped Twix Cookie Dough Bar pieces with the cookie dough bites. That might’ve helped make this pint a bit more memorable.

DISCLOSURE: I received a free product sample from Mars. Doing so did not influence my review.

Purchased Price: FREE
Size: 16 fl oz
Purchased at: Received from Mars
Rating: 6 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (2/3 cup) 220 calories, 9 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 110 milligrams of sodium, 32 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 27 grams of sugar (includes 17 grams added sugar), and 3 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Limited Edition Peeps Pepsi

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Let’s just get it outta the way – I don’t know why it wasn’t called “Peepsi” either, but I’m sure Pepsi has a rule against altering its iconic name no matter the reason.

That being said, it wouldn’t shock me if this bizarre collaboration was borne out of one “hip” PepsiCo executive saying, “Peepsi would make bank, no cap.” To which his colleagues would’ve probably replied, “Greg, we’ve gone over this, we don’t change our name, and please stop saying that, caps are essential to our product.”

I’ve tried to avoid Peeps Pepsi discourse because I imagine it’s absolutely dripping with hyperbole. People who don’t like Peeps DESPISE Peeps. I’m just imagining everyone acting like this soda is an affront to everything holy. I just know that’s how it is… but I probably shouldn’t try to create a straw man, I should just go and grab a straw, man.

This review is already an affront to everything holy.

Alright, here’s what I’ll say about Peeps Pepsi – it’s almost ok.

I like the scent. I wouldn’t exactly say it screams Peeps, but it makes for a nice unique twist on the usual cola smell. Once that smell translates into taste, it starts to get weird.

If this was a mystery flavor, I think a decent chunk of guessers would land on “marshmallow,” but not necessarily “Marshmallow Peeps.” Maybe as a total shot in the dark guess at some kind of snack brand synergy we’re used to at this point. You can twist my arm and get me to admit it kinda reminds me of Peeps, but I expected more of a match.

It’s obviously super sweet, but I don’t think it’s a pleasant sweetness. This soda is loaded with sugar, but it still tastes like it’s made with an artificial sugar substitute. The marshmallow flavor comes across as a really cheap attempt at a mutant vanilla cola.

There are stages of flavor in every sip that I’ll try my best to explain because I rode the same emotional roller coaster as that woman in the famous kombucha meme.

There’s a moment in the mouthfeel process – let’s just pause for a second and cringe at the fact I just wrote, “mouthfeel process.” – where it seems undrinkable. For a second, it tastes like the smell of an artificial “cake” scented candle or something.

There’s basically a film that materializes after the effervescent bubbles burn off and before the lingering “vanilla icing” aftertaste bursts in. It’s as if you momentarily ingested a buttery lotion. I felt like I was drinking a lesser brand’s attempt to clone a Pepsi Vanilla or something. I never really got to “Peeps,” even after literally comparing it to an actual Peep.

Ultimately, it’s pure novelty and Peeps-adjacent at best. Without the weirdness I attempted to articulate, I might even tell you to go for it. It’s not nearly as vile as I imagine some people will tell you it is, but it’s not even close to being really good either. Both of these products work better on their own.

I like Pepsi and I like (stale) Peeps, so I’m not mad I tried it. Seriously though, I like my Peeps marshmal dente. I want them to taste like a hard memory foam pillow covered in sand. That’s how I like my Peeps, but I definitely don’t need to have them in soda form ever again.

Purchased Price: $2.28
Size: 20 oz
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 4 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (1 Bottle) 260 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 55 milligrams of sodium, 69 grams of carbohydrates, 69 grams of sugar, and 0 grams of protein.

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