REVIEW: Red Baron Fully Loaded Hand Tossed Ultimate Pepperoni Pizza

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Though factual evidence isn’t as plentiful as I’d like it to be (which, okay, maybe means my supposition is NOT true), it feels like nowhere are food cost increases more jarring than in the frozen pizza aisle. At most of my local grocery stores, a middle-of-the-road pizza like Tombstone or Red Baron, when not on sale, is somewhere between $6 and $7. A Totino’s — and I know, I know, it’s hardly a “pizza” (but it serves its own sort of purpose, like a McDonald’s hamburger) — is $2. And while I don’t want to be “old man yells at cloud” about it, I remember a time not all that long ago when these things were just a smidge over $1.

And then you get to the “top shelf” frozen pizza. At my closest grocery store, the DiGiorno Fully Stuffed Crust Ultimate Three Meat Pizza is $15.79. Take a moment and let that sink in. (I’ll also remind you that I live in Kansas City, not on a coast, and not on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.) The Screamin’ Sicilian Stuffed Crust Pepperoni is on sale… for $10.49. It’s hard to imagine anyone paying these prices, but I guess someone is. But when you can get a carryout two-topping from Dominos for slightly less than this, your frozen pie had really better bring it, right?

So is the Red Baron Fully Loaded Hand Tossed Ultimate Pepperoni Pizza worth the sticker shock? Look, I cannot in good conscience ever recommend that someone pay almost $10 for a frozen pizza. I just can’t. However, I can say that, compared to other pizzas at the same price point, this pizza is pretty great.

Though the “hand tossed” crust is pedestrian in terms of taste, it supports the heavy pizza well. There are three types of pepperoni present, regular circular, what seems to be a thicker cut triangle variety, and cubed. Accordingly, each bite is packed full of salty little bits of deliciousness. It’s worth noting that, for frozen pizza pepperoni, these things carry a bit of spice; not enough to make someone with an aversion to heat avoid it, I don’t think, but something that might surprise you if you’re not expecting it. The cheese isn’t snappy, but it stretches a bit, which isn’t ideal if, like me, you go at it too fast and end up with a napalmed chin. It appears to be a blend of mozzarella and cheddar, and there’s some parmesan sprinkled on the top, too, if I’m not mistaken. The sauce tastes like a canned generic pizza sauce, but it works.

Here’s what really struck me about this pizza — the sauce, coupled with the parmesan, really evoked the flavor of a Chef Boyardee home pizza kit. You know the kind. It comes in a box with the dough mix and the canned sauce. (And, in olden times, a packet of grated parmesan and Romano cheese.) If you’ve had that, you’ll have a good sense of how this pizza tastes. It tickled something nostalgic in me and momentarily made me forget that I was an adult paying exorbitant prices for any and everything, including frozen pizza. For that reason — and the fact that the pizza was damn tasty — I’ll buy it again. Provided, of course, that I find it on sale.

Purchased Price: $8.99 ($9.99 regular price)
Size: 28.75 oz
Purchased at: Hy-Vee
Rating: 8 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (1/6th pizza) 370 calories, 19 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 50 mg of cholesterol, 950 milligrams of sodium, 34 grams of total carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 5 grams of sugar, and 17 grams of protein.

REVIEW: McDonald’s Cookies & Creme Pie

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McDonald’s Cookies & Creme Pie looks saweet (is that how the kids spell it nowadays?). Not only does it look tasty, but with an almost toothpaste tube’s worth of white creme filling, it also seems like it would make my sweet tooth tap out before I got even halfway through the pie. Well, my sweet tooth is happy to report that while the black and white treat looks cloying, it’s surprisingly not as sugary as a Double Stuf Oreo Cookie.

Before opening the box, the aroma that radiated out of it brought to mind any Pop-Tart with a chocolate crust, like the Hot Fudge Sundae and Cookies & Creme flavors. It was a sign that this treat might not be as sweet as I thought. The crust’s flavor also made me think of Pop-Tarts with its mild dark cocoa taste. But there are varying levels of chocolatiness, with the crust’s seams having a flavor that stands out a bit more.

But the thing about Pop-Tarts is that while the crust isn’t flavorful, the filling more than makes up for it. Unfortunately, the creme’s taste in this pie is as mild as the crust. There were hints of vanilla, and at times I could’ve sworn I tasted a slight tang (my wife didn’t taste any), but the filling wasn’t close to being as sweet as Oreo creme or even McDonald’s soft serve. The combined mildness of the crust and creme made for a slightly disappointing treat. I guess I expected more of a sugary punch because of how other McDonald’s pies are, like the tasty Guava & Creme Pie I tried a few months ago. However, my wife said she liked that it wasn’t too sweet, which reminded her of Japanese confections.

The creme was stiffer than I expected, making it cleaner to eat — no oozing with the one I chomped through. Decorating the crust were flavorless white sprinkles that provided a slight candy crunch when I chewed on the soft, dark crust and softer, bright white filling.

So what could’ve made this better? Maybe the filling should’ve been a mix of chocolate and white creme, much like the Guava & Creme Pie was a mix of a guava-flavored gel and creme. Or maybe the white creme could’ve been slightly sweeter.

McDonald’s Cookies & Creme Pie was okay, but I wouldn’t repurchase it. Its flavor and sweetness don’t make me yearn for another, unlike an Oreo cookie or a cookies & cream ice cream/frozen dairy dessert, which I sometimes have self-control issues with. If you want a tastier and more satisfying cookies and creme experience from McDonald’s, just get an Oreo McFlurry.

Purchased Price: $2.69
Rating: 6 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 220 calories (other nutritional information not available on McDonald’s website at the time of publication).

REVIEW: Dunkin’ Wraps Chorizo & Egg

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I owe Dunkin’ a bit of an apology.

Last year when it changed its app’s rewards program, I threw a full-blown hissy fit. “What do you mean I won’t ‘earn’ free coffees as often as I used to?! Wahhh, I’m a big fat entitled baby!” – real quote.

Ya know what, though? I’ve actually grown to like the new rewards. Every month when Dunkin’ releases something new, there’s usually a nice deal or two to be had within the app. Without said deals, I probably wouldn’t be trying and enjoying half of its new menu items.

Case in point – the new Chorizo & Egg Wrap. I may have skipped this one if not for this month’s offer. I got a $3 wrap with the purchase of a drink I was already getting. That’s not the BEST deal ever, but it worked on me. I’ve long been a fan of Dunkin’s line of Wake-up Wraps, so I figured this one couldn’t be too bad.

I figured…

It turns out it’s kinda bad.

The idea of chorizo being on Dunkin’s menu probably should have been my first red flag, but I assumed it does breakfast sausage, so how different can it be? Oh, it be different.

When I unwrapped the Chorizo and Egg Wrap, it looked like a giant Cheez-It, or rather a brittle, red, dusty dry brick. When I bit in, it was all of those words, but thankfully did not taste like a brick. Instead, it tasted like quite the opposite, pure lukewarm slop.

Along with cubes of scrambled egg, there are chunks of rubbery chorizo, roasted veggies of which I couldn’t even register, a few beans, and a “dose” of some kind of (Mexican?) cheese sauce. On paper, that doesn’t sound bad at all, but no single ingredient really stood out. The egg got swallowed up, and the rest just blended together into an unpleasant mix of mildly spicy – I gotta use the word again – slop. I like my chorizo more crumbled and way crispier.

Now I’ll be fair, the spice was nice. There’s just enough there that it won’t derail your morning. I imagine it came mostly from the chorizo and the cheese. Either way that zesty flavor was almost enough to get a passing grade, but nothing else landed.

The cheese, oily sausage balls, and mushed-up veggies just made for a wet mess that, to be fair, somehow stayed within the walls of the red pepper wrap that I genuinely didn’t like. It’s more of a sandwich wrap than a soft taco or burrito. Those may seem similar, but this should’ve absolutely been served in a soft tortilla.

So yeah, this is the first misfire I’ve had from Dunkin’ in some time. I’d compare it to a sausage Pillsbury Toaster Scramble, but worse. Without the app deal, I would’ve never spent five bucks on this. I kinda wish I didn’t spend three. I’m gonna have to rescind my apology. I want the old reward system back! In conclusion, wahhhh, I’m still a big fat entitled baby.

Purchased Price: $3.00 ($4.99 regular price)
Rating: 3 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 410 calories, 21 grams of fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 140 mg of cholesterol, 1010 milligrams of sodium, 34 grams of total carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, and 20 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Mystery Flavor Fruit Roll-Ups

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General Mills is rebranding its fruit snacks to suit the modern era of lunchbox-toting kids and teens, but in the case of these Mystery Flavor Fruit Roll-Ups, it feels like it went with such a ’90s vibe that it’s targeting the parents and not the offspring. This pack leans entirely on a “weird green guys from outer space” theme that I can’t imagine resonating with today’s kids. But what do I know? The packaging is metallic, and I’ll be damned if weird alien cartoons and shiny things don’t intrigue me.

The pack includes two flavors, Mystery and Solar Melon. I was briefly disappointed that half of these were melon because it gives you fewer chances to guess the mystery flavor. If you’re not familiar with Fruit Roll-Ups, I would describe the flavor of all of them as “This is definitely a Fruit Roll-Up,” but if you can tell the difference between a berry one and whatever the Tie-Dye is, you’re a better person than me. Fruit Roll-Ups are a snack to be eaten as quickly as possible because if they’re fresh, they’re so sticky that you can barely get the plastic off before they collapse in your hand. Definitely do not put them on a plate to photograph like I did. The time from thinking you might give it a taste test to the time you’ve determined that you’d better just shove it all in your mouth before you never get it unstuck from you again is about 8 seconds.

Trying the Mystery flavor, I couldn’t get beyond that it just tasted like I expected a Fruit Roll-Up to taste. Delicious, but overall…normal. Maybe this whole alien theme was a ruse? Maybe space tastes like Fruit Roll-Ups? I didn’t have a clue. Luckily part of this rebranding is a focus on trying to interact beyond the eating of the snack, so General Mills wants you to visit its website, where you can vote on what the flavor is.

Thank Area 51, we have some parameters!

Faced with the choices of Cosmic Citrus Swirl, Stellar Strawberry Peach, Galactic Grape, and Mango Martian, things started to make sense, and I felt pretty confident choosing Strawberry Peach. The strawberry is the classic and dominant flavor, but there’s a little more there, and it will remind you of Peach Rings.

To its credit, the unmysterious Solar Melon is a perfect shade of alien-green and a welcome addition to the box. It manages to taste like a blend of fruits with a melon focus but not in an overly artificial way like many watermelon candies.

The sheets are printed with tongue tattoos in various alien, UFO, and space designs. Because eating a Fruit Roll-Up inherently involves playing with your food, I went ahead and applied a UFO-XING sign to my tongue. It worked like a charm, and by that I mean it left my tongue with an unintelligible giant blue blob on it. You can thank me later for not including that photo. It might not be the most original attempt at a mystery flavor, but eating these is a fun and tasty way to spend two minutes, and who knows, you might win a galactic fanny pack before you’re beamed back up to the mothership.

Purchased Price: $2.29
Size: 10-count box of 0.5 oz rolls
Purchased at: Mariano’s
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Mystery Flavor), 7 out of 10 (Solar Melon)
Nutrition Facts: (1 roll) 50 calories, 1 gram of total fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 50 milligrams of sodium, 12 grams of total carbohydrates, 7 grams of sugar (including 7 grams of added sugar), and 0 grams of protein.

REVIEW: KFC Ultimate BBQ Fried Chicken Sandwich

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I confess that I can sometimes be stubborn about changing my mind; luckily, that’s not required here because KFC has always been my favorite fast food chicken chain, and its new, limited time only Ultimate BBQ Fried Chicken Sandwich just makes me even more confident in that choice.

The first thing I noticed about this sandwich was an extremely pungent (and promising) barbecue smell, followed closely by an observation of just how pretty it looked. A pristine golden bun with a plump fried chicken filet peeking out, nestled among glimpses of ruddy sauce, vibrant pickles, well-cooked bacon strips, crispy fried onions, and a dense layer of cheese…. befitting of the “Ultimate” moniker indeed! (I should note that I had to order this twice, though, as my first go-round was missing the onions, so you might want to check before leaving the store to confirm that no sections of your sandwich are MIA.)

Fortunately, KFC’s latest creation tastes just as good as it looks. Individually, each element sparkled. The fluffy, shiny bun tasted wonderfully light and buttery! The bacon hit the sweet — or should I say smoky — spot right between too lean and too fatty! The just-barely-melted blanket of cheese provided a comfortingly Velveeta-esque creaminess without being runny enough to leave a mess! The fried onions were earthy and savory with a frizzled feel that perfectly backed up the crispy fried breading practically dripping from the chicken! The pickles were snappy and sour (I must admit I don’t usually eat pickles on sandwiches, so I don’t have a ton to say about them, but I’d like to think I could at least tell if they were terrible, and they definitely weren’t terrible)!

The barbecue sauce was nicely sweet but had a subtle spicy aftertaste that left my tastebuds buzzing for more, and its presence was much more powerful than I expected, so thick and sticky it almost reminded me of jam! And the chicken would make Colonel Sanders proud, with the meat providing tender, juicy nourishment and the breading throwing in a zesty crunch that even managed the rare feat of not flaking off immediately the second I bit in!

When taken in all together, a few components stepped out of the spotlight — the flavors of fried chicken, barbecue sauce, and pickle dominated, with the cheese, onions, and bacon more noticeable in terms of texture than taste — but I didn’t find that to be a problem. As I begrudgingly learned in my high school marching band, not everyone can play the fun parts all the time, but even if some bits aren’t as exciting, they’re just as important for a harmonious whole. I truly can’t imagine the Ultimate BBQ Fried Chicken Sandwich without any of these ingredients.

The biggest potential criticism I could predict some having is a desire for more barbecue sauce; mine was merely glopped timidly onto the top and bottom buns rather than boldly oozing out as it does in promotional images, and while that was just enough for me as someone who eats my pancakes without syrup, my fries without ketchup, etc., I can see others finding it a little dry. Ultimately, though, I’d suggest this sandwich for even the sauciest shopper.

I’ll also mention that KFC suggests pairing this with another newbie for the summer menu, its Blackberry Lemonade. It was unfortunately sold out at my local store. Hopefully, you’ll have better luck — but then again, anyone who has this sandwich as an option is already pretty dang lucky.

Purchased Price: $8.37
Rating: 9 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 650 calories (other nutritional info not available at time of publication).

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