REVIEW: Panda Express Apple Pie Rolls

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Panda Express’ fortune cookie is the fast food chain’s default dessert. It comes with every order, but it’s not the best way to end your meal, especially if you happen to get a stale one (which has happened to me on more than one occasion) or you get a fortune that reads, “Keep your expectations reasonable,” after expecting to get a crunchy fortune cookie.

If you’re a regular Panda Express eater, I imagine you’ve had dozens of these fortune cookies and, at some point, wished there was something better to consume post-meal. Well, my Orange Chicken or Eggplant Tofu-loving friend, there’s something much better now — Panda Express’ Apple Pie Rolls.

The dessert features apples and fall spices in a crispy rolled pastry that’s finished with cinnamon sugar. An order is just one roll for two dollars. The warm treat is about six inches long and three-fourths of an inch wide, and it looks like it rolled through the Sahara Desert if the Sahara Desert was cinnamon sugar instead of sand.

The fried exterior has a nice crispiness, but underneath that are unfried pastry layers that give some resistance when trying to bite through the roll. But once you get past that minor opposition, the combination of the cinnamon sugar, slightly snappy apple pieces, and gelatinous goo the fruit is floating in is a delightful treat. This is as great as McDonald’s Fried Apple Pie (which we still have on these rocks in the middle of the Pacific Ocean). It has all the flavors of an apple pie, but without the need of a fork to eat it.

I liked it so much that when one of the halves above rolled off my cutting board and onto the floor, I growled at my dog as she charged towards it to keep her from snatching it, picked up the piece, ignored the five-second rule, and ate it. Then, I had to clean up a mess of cinnamon sugar off the floor.

Its price is the only issue I have about it, and I feel this way because I have something to compare it with. McDonald’s Fried Apple Pie goes for $1.69, and although it lacks a cinnamon sugar coating, the McDonald’s one is about the same length and noticeably wider. It’s a minor issue, and you can get Apple Pie Rolls cheaper if you purchase a large order of six pieces for $11.40.

So if the Panda Express cashier attempts to upsell you an Apple Pie Roll, I’d suggest you plunk down the extra two dollars and get one.

Purchased Price: $2.00
Rating: 9 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (1 roll) 150 calories, 3 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 90 milligrams of sodium, 30 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 13 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Snyder’s of Hanover Limited Edition Oktoberfest Rings

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I once watched this movie… I don’t remember the exact name, but it was about a ring.

These two small dudes and a schizophrenic frog-man were climbing a mountain, and then they had to throw their wedding ring into a volcano or else some fire wizard would blow up New Zealand or something? I think it was a true story.

Anyway, until today, I thought THAT ring was the worst, most evil ring to ever exist. Then… I tried Snyder’s new Oktoberfest Rings infused with Beer Flavor, and now I’m not so sure.

I reviewed Snyder’s Beer Cheese Pieces in the past and loved them, so while I assumed these cheese-less pretzels wouldn’t stack up, I was still shocked how much I disliked these.

First of all, they’re barely pretzels. These are glorified bread sticks curved into a circle.

They went light on the salt crystals here, and I can only imagine it was in an attempt to let the beer flavor shine, but that “beer” flavor is as dull as dull can be. I’ll give them a tiny bit of credit because I did taste the essence of a sweet lager, or more likely an Oktoberfest-appropriate Marzin-style beer, but it quickly changes as you munch down on the pretzel.

All I could taste after that was, and this is oddly specific, black olive. These taste like someone soaked a breadstick in the water from a can of black olives and then let the breadstick air dry and crisp back up for a few hours. They’re not stale, but the flavor just has an air of staleness to it, like old bread.

I once had “healthy” pretzel twists. They were whole wheat, low sodium, and gluten free, and were one of the biggest buzzkill snacks I’ve ever had. I thought of them immediately while eating these.

I’ll be fair and say that while I sound like a hater, I did eat about 20 in one sitting. I craved something crunchy, but I never shook that weird hint of black olive. I kept thinking the next one would taste better, and it never did. I also never found the crunch all that satisfying.

Look, I love olives, and come to think of it, I’d probably really enjoy a full-blown olive-flavored crunchy snack, but this beer-infused flavor just really didn’t do it for me.

I might as well say I think rings might be the worst pretzel shape while I’m at it. Just give me the classic pretzel knot. I didn’t like a single aspect of these other than the bag with that classic blue Oktoberfest checkerboard pattern.

I wouldn’t even serve these to a frog-man. The shape of the pretzel almost represented my score. You’d be hard-pressed to find a worse bag of pretzels in the aisle. Snyder’s has rows of amazing pretzels, so just get one of them instead. This was a slip-up for the company, but I guess it tried.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m hitting up Google Maps to find the nearest volcano in my area.

Prost!

Purchased Price: $3.99
Size: 10 oz.
Purchased at: Shop Rite
Rating: 2 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (1oz – 10 pretzels) 110 calories, 2 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 250 milligrams of sodium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, less than 1 gram of sugar, and 3 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Jeni’s Lonely Ghost Double Dough Ice Cream

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Jeni's Lonely Ghost Double Dough Ice Cream Pint

Orange Blossom Chiffon.

Powdered Jelly Donut.

Sweet Potato with Torched Marshmallow.

Everything Bagel.

These are all Jeni’s Ice Cream flavors that existed before the company had its own chocolate chip cookie dough. Until now, the super premium ice cream company from Columbus, Ohio has steered clear of the American favorite made popular by Ben & Jerry’s in the 80s; yet apparently, the scoop-shop-staple is in demand on the other side. A brand new limited time collaboration with streetwear brand Lonely Ghost has gifted basic flavor lovers with Double Dough — chocolate chip cookie dough swirled into a buttery brown sugar custard.

Jeni's Lonely Ghost Double Dough Ice Cream Top of pint

The premium price tag of Jeni’s pints comes at the cost of the premium ingredients they source, and this flavor is a shining example of just how good a top-tier grocery store ice cream can be. The brown sugar custard is incredible. It is dense, it is rich, it is sweet, and it is surprisingly salty. There is an impressive buttery depth to the texture from the use of egg yolks that makes the execution of custard versus ice cream really apparent. It’s beautiful, and it really does bring the rich molasses-adjacent notes of brown sugar to the foreground in a way that perfectly honors eating raw cookie dough.

Jeni's Lonely Ghost Double Dough Ice Cream Spoon with bits of cookie dough

The lone mix-in is the dough itself, and while initially I was thrown off by their small size, what they lack in heft, they make up for in density. The pieces are small, pea-sized balls of cookie dough that are far from what most chunk-enthusiasts want to see when popping off the lid on a premium pint. However, they’re everywhere, and they’re packed full of gritty cookie dough texture that really brings the double dough concept to life. With how strong the brown sugar is in the base, there isn’t a ton of extra flavor from the pieces, but the crunchy bittersweet chocolate chips stand pretty firmly against the wash of lovely sweet and salty custard.

While it doesn’t push the boundaries of ice cream innovation like many of Jeni’s more recent releases, Double Dough is an elevated take on a fan-favorite flavor that is sure to satisfy both creamy connoisseurs and more standard scoopers alike.

DISCLOSURE: I received a free product sample from Jeni’s. Doing so did not influence my review.

Purchased Price: FREE
Size: One Pint
Purchased at: Received from Jeni’s
Rating: 8 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (2/3 cup, 127g) 330 calories, 20 grams of fat, 11 grams of saturated fat, 80 milligrams of cholesterol, 210 milligrams of sodium, 36 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 28 grams of sugar, and 5 grams of protein.

Click here to read our previous Jeni’s Ice Cream reviews

REVIEW: Fanta What the Fanta Mystery Flavor 2023

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Fanta’s 2023 version of its What the Fanta Mystery Flavor has two mysteries attached to it. Of course, the first one is its flavor. And the second one is: Why don’t the cans glow in the dark?

The light green colored graphics over a black background make me think they’re glow-in-the-dark, but they’re not, despite my attempts to charge the possible glowy parts by putting a can next to a window for a time much longer than it would take for me to just Google the answer. While the cans don’t glow, the soda makes your tongue turn black or dark purple, especially in a dark room.

It smells orangey or citrusy, but it’s dark purple in color. With the first few sips, my guesses switched between grape and orange. But I think its color confused my head because there’s no way this is grape-flavored, right? There’s no mystery there. That would be like Sherlock Holmes in a mystery called “The Case of the Murderer Who Instantly Admitted It and There Are Dozens of Witnesses, Plus There’s Video Evidence From Every Angle Taken By Those Dozens of Witnesses.” It’s not that simple, right?

So my guess is orange, which sounds so basic that it’s got to be some kind of unique orange or orange-flavored product. The artificial sweetener aftertaste kind of hits me the same way as fruity, chalky candy does. So maybe it’s orange Smarties or Sweetarts? Or perhaps it’s Orange Fanta with a lot of Red 40 and Blue 1 food coloring. If that’s the case, WTF, Fanta?

A QR code on the side of the can leads to a website, but I didn’t visit it because I didn’t want to take the chance that it would give away the answer. I’ll just wait until it’s officially announced.

But is this orange candy-flavored soda good? It’s okay. Usually, I don’t mind zero sugar sodas, but there’s something about this one that makes it less appealing. It could be the artificial sweetener aftertaste I mentioned earlier that leads to a chalky candy-like sensation. Or maybe I taste the disappointment of the cans not glowing in the dark.

Purchased Price: More than one should pay on eBay
Size: 7.5 oz cans (also available in 20 oz bottles)
Purchased at: eBay
Rating: 6 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (1 can) 0 calories, 0 grams of fat, 40 milligrams of sodium, 0 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar, and 0 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Taco Bell Chicken Enchilada Burrito

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If you go back through Taco Bell’s test product history, there have been several Chicken Enchilada Burritos, and most had something unique. Whether it was rolled tacos inside or grilled cheese on the outside, they had that Taco Bell flair. But not so much with this 2023 version that’s available nationwide, which has chicken, a three cheese blend, red sauce, seasoned rice, and reduced-fat sour cream in a warm tortilla.

I guess the best way I can describe its flavor is to write that it’s a completely inoffensive menu item that won’t make your taste buds perk up nor make them want to hide in the back of your throat. The chicken, red sauce, and three cheese blend provided most of the flavor, but I wish there was more red sauce, which might’ve made this taste a bit bolder. Hot sauce packets are definitely needed for this one. While its flavor was uninspiring, it was surprisingly filling and hefty, weighing in at under eight ounces, probably thanks to the seasoned rice.

Maybe its flavor is making me feel this way, but it’s not even visually exciting. The burrito’s cross-section looks like a palette for an artist trying to paint the depths of how depressing the fall season is. Sure, it’s fall, so it’s appropriate that it looks like a watercolor painting called “Foliage’s Slow Autumn Death,” but there must’ve been something Taco Bell could’ve added to make it look a bit more colorful. Red crispy strips? Tomatoes?

Taco Bell’s Chicken Enchilada Burrito is not a bad tasting product, and it’s also perhaps one or two customizations away from being somewhat taste bud-perk upping, but I wouldn’t order it again as it is.

Purchased Price: $3.99*
Rating: 5 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 380 calories, 12 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 40 milligrams of cholesterol, 1150 milligrams of sodium, 49 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 3 grams of sugar (including 2 grams of added sugar), and 19 grams of protein.

*Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, things are a bit pricier here. You’ll probably pay less than I did. The advertised price is $2.00.

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