ANNOUNCEMENT: Want To Write For The Impulsive Buy?

/ / Announcement

For over six years, The Impulsive Buy has been the blog that thousands of procrastinating college students and bored office workers go to when they’ve caught up with all the panty flashes and nipple slips on The Superficial. The Impulsive Buy is the number one blog on the internet that combines Consumer Reports thoroughness with Playboy comic strip penis jokes. The Impulsive Buy has influenced hundreds of people to avoid Maruchan’s Creamy Alfredo Instant Ramen and let those same people know about the Comfort Wipe

We are currently looking for enthusiastic, talented, funny, and self-motivated individuals to be monkeys with typewriters writers and churn out reviews of the latest products in stores and on fast food menu boards. We’re hoping to bring on two or three new reviewers.

Monkey With A Typewriter Writer Requirements:

1. Must have a typewriter or computer.
2. Willing to fling poop when upset or threatened.
3. Have spelling and grammar abilities equal to or greater than mine.
4. Must be willing to peel own bananas.
5. Own a digital camera.
6. Be okay with being called Curious George and retrieving my yellow hat.
7. Have an ability to entertain people with words, sentences and paragraphs.
8. Have a Paypal account.

It’s a paid gig, but we won’t say how much here. However, we can say it will amount to a decent number of bananas.

If you would like to apply for the position, here’s what you’ll need to send us:

Writing Samples:

1. One sample review in TIB format (price, pros, cons, etc at the bottom). The review can be about whatever product you want. We won’t be using the review on TIB, we just want to see your writing style to determine if you’d be a good fit. To give you an idea of how long a TIB review is, they range from 400-1,000 words.

2. A bio about yourself and why you want to write for The Impulsive Buy.

A Few Notes:

1. Due to legal reasons, we can’t hire minors.

2. Please don’t send attachments. Copy and paste your writing samples into your email.

To apply, please email your sample review and bio to theimpulsivebuyATgmailDOTcom with the line “I want to be a monkey with a typewriter” in the subject line. We will stop accepting applicants on November 5th.

Thank you.

Marvo
Editor

APOLOGY: Because I Didn’t Know Moving 10 Years of Crap Would Take So Much Time

/ / Announcement / 13 Comments

I’d like to apologize for the lack of posts this week. I’m currently moving to a new place and I didn’t realize how difficult and time consuming it is to move the 10 years worth of crap I’ve accumulated, which includes 35 USB cables, 100 pounds of books I haven’t read, two printers, a dead PowerMac G4 with 17 inch monitor (which I swear I’ll revive one day), kanji practice worksheets from college, half a dozen hard drives that are less than 250 GB (which sounds like I have a lot of porn, but surprisingly they don’t contain any, because my porn is stored on a 2 TB drive), several pairs of jeans that don’t fit anymore, a lot of magazines with Tiger Woods on the cover and a comfort wipe.

I’ve moved over 95 percent of my stuff and will bring the last 5 percent to the new place by tomorrow, so expect a bukkake of reviews next week.

ANNOUNCEMENT: TIB’s Sixth Birthday Prize Drawing Winners

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Here are the six winners of The Impulsive Buy’s Sixth Birthday Prize Drawing:

1. Miwo
2. Ana
3. Harlequin
4. Scott (the one who left the comment “happy birthday TIB!”)
5. liz
6. Roy

Congratulations to the winners. May they enjoy whatever mystery goodness that comes their way. Also, thank you to everyone who participated and wished TIB a happy birthday.

The Impulsive Buy Turns Six!!!

/ / Announcement, Prize Drawing / 220 Comments

Today is The Impulsive Buy’s sixth birthday.

I thought about shutting down TIB forever today because ending it on 8/9/10 at 11:12 am seemed pretty cool. But it shall live on since I just spent a few hundred dollars to renew TIB’s hosting fees for another two years. It shall also live on because even though I’ve written over 700 reviews, I still enjoy eating stuff I shouldn’t and then writing about it.

Each review I’ve created is like one of my illegitimate children. The companies provide the products and I fertilize it with my creativitity and ability to put words together. Soon after that happens, a new review is brought out into the world. Just like the illegitimate children of NBA players, the reviews I’ve written are all a little different, but you can tell who the father is. Yes, I’ve knocked up my fair share of companies over the years, and I’ll keep doing it as long as they’re willing to put out…products.

Or until I die from their products.

Thankfully, over the past few years it hasn’t been just me knocking up companies and spawning illegitimate reviews. TIB has had a number of wonderful reviewers contributing their thoughts on products that I either couldn’t get my hands on or was too scared to try. So I’d like to thank former and current reviewers Ace, Reprobate, Kayla, Stacey and Kelley for helping TIB become what it is today.

Finally, I would like to thank all of you — the readers of this quasi-product review blog.

Without you folks, TIB wouldn’t be where it’s at today, which I’m sure is somewhere towards the bottom of the Top 1,000,000 websites on the internet list. We’re way below YouTube and any porn website, but I’m pretty sure we’re slightly ahead of a Tumblr page that shows nothing but pictures of turtle asses. I truly appreciate you taking the time to stop by this small parcel of the World Wide Web to read product reviews that contain either profanity, fart jokes, slightly obscure geeky references, sexual innuendo, celebrity drug use/alcoholism/promiscuity references or a Brach’s pick-a-mix of any of the things I just listed.

Once again, thank you for reading The Impulsive Buy

Marvo
Editor
The Impulsive Buy

PS – If you’re a regular reader of TIB, you know we hold a prize drawing to celebrate TIB’s birthday. This year, those who enter will have a change to win one of six mystery boxes which contains products that TIB has reviewed over the years.

PPS – If you would like to enter the drawing, leave a comment with this post. You can say whatever you like, except the phrase “whatever you like.” If “whatever you like” is in your comment, your entry could be disqualified. However, the only instance when “whatever you like” will be accepted is if it’s immediately followed by the words, “Big Boy.”

PPPS – Please fill out the email field, because we’ll be emailing the winners for their mailing address.

PPPPS – We will stop accepting entries on Sunday, August 15, 2010 (11:59 Hawaii Standard Time). Only one entry allowed per person. The drawing is open to EVERYONE AROUND THE WORLD.

PPPPPS – The Impulsive Buy promises your email address will not be used to send you spam about how to unlock your hidden potential in bed. The Impulsive Buy also promises your mailing address will not be used to send you information about a used car dealership’s Slasher Sale. Bribes will not be accepted. The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible for lost mail, damaged mail or whatever cheesy movie SyFy comes up with next.

ANNOUNCEMENT: AXE Twist Travel Pack Winners!!!

/ / Announcement, Prize Drawing / 1 Comment

Here are the five AXE Twist Travel Pack winners and where they would like to go on their next vacation:

1. Anna who “would LOVE to go to Phuket, Thailand!”

2. Tyler who “would like to smell all AXE-like in the land of England, where they call it Lynx.”

3. Adam G who is “thinking somewhere in the South Pacific region all the way up to Japan area.”

4. Chuck who “may try and head to California.”

5. Andrew who would “love to visit Louisiana, mostly New Orleans and the beaches that now are safe and the cleanest they’ve been in years!”

The winners have been emailed and they will soon be enveloping themselves in the scent of AXE.

Congratulations to the winners and thank you to everyone who entered.

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