Hi everybody! I’m Stephanie, one of the newest writers for the Impulsive Buy.

When I was a kid, I wanted to write comic books, despite having a teacher tell me I would make more money writing novels. (Ha! You’d think he’d know more about penury, being, you know… a teacher and all.) So naturally, 80 bajillion years later, I wound up writing for an awesome product review blog! Yay, me!

I live in Los Angeles and work in the entertainment industry. Having come from Kansas (after a four-year collegiate stint in Michigan… Go Blue), it was here in LA where I learned the strange local custom of simultaneously loving food and hating one’s body. We partake then we self-punish. Dining out often fosters whining. Office birthdays inevitably bring mental suffering. (On that note, why buy a dozen cupcakes if nine out of ten people aren’t going to eat them, and the one outsider is just going to slice the tiniest sliver from one cupcake and leave the rest? They should just buy one cupcake and make it be for everybody. Then the sugar addicts can get their effing cake shavings, no one will abuse themselves for hours on end with kettlebells, and we can all shut up about it. I’m shutting up about it right now.)

Anyway, I eat food, and I love it. I’m a rebel, I guess. I can’t stand sliced avocado on sandwiches, but I keep an open mind about mostly everything else. That is what brings me here to The Impulsive Buy. I like to try new things, and I blow a gasket become terribly disappointed when a product doesn’t live up to the hype.

I’m here to give you the straight story. So, think of me as your epicurean private eye… a gumshoe endlessly thumbing through a stack of blurry, black & white telephoto snapshots of new and exciting products that may look like sugar and spice but is really poison through and through. It’s sad that you can hardly trust a soul out here in this filthy city, but it’s a sad world, doll… and I’m just here to save you the tears.

Hello readers! I’m Jasper, one of The Impulsive Buy’s new reviewers. I’ll have to keep this introduction short, since I wrote this on Taco Tuesday and I hate typing while sitting on the toilet. “Whoa, a poop joke in his very first paragraph,” you just gasped. Yeah, that’s right. I plan on being a real high-brow writer, so you better get used to it.

I’m fresh out of college and living in Boston, though I spent my first 18 years in New Jersey. (Yes, I do use a lot of hair gel; no, I’ve never worn sunglasses at night.) Food has always been very important to me, and I’ve always been something of an overeater. I distinctly remember being 6 years old, inhaling one too many ribs at the local Sizzler, and throwing up on the welcome mat on the way out. To be honest, things haven’t really changed over the years: my final semester, I left an exam two hours early because the dining halls were serving a limited number of hand-breaded chicken tenders for only the second day all year, and hell if I was going to prioritize graduating on schedule over gorging myself on those delicious tenders one last time.

But just because I value quantity doesn’t mean I’m unable to recognize quality. On the contrary, I’ve developed a pretty discerning palate thanks to a huge appetite that has allowed me to try both a large amount and a wide variety of foods. If a product tastes terrible, I’ll be able to tell you as much. It’s just that I’ll probably eat the rest of the bag/bowl/box anyway.

In terms of my prose, my only recent experience with “humor” writing has involved spending way too much time crafting hilarious jokes for emails that people probably barely glanced at. Needless to say, I’m very happy to have a bigger platform and hopefully a more attentive audience. I’ll strive to dazzle and delight you, though a more realistic goal would be to keep you occupied for at least a couple minutes after you’ve played all of today’s Sporcle quizzes.

It’s been a pleasure to make your acquaintance, TIB readers. And now, I’m off to the bathroom.

Greetings, fans of food and, possibly, casual swearing!   I’m Drew, your latest guide on this magical tour of things that are bad for you.   A little background: I’m from New Jersey and will fiercely defend it to anyone, because the smell isn’t THAT bad and those Jersey Shore kids aren’t even from Jersey. (Okay, one of them is, but not the goblin.)   I currently live in eastern Pennsylvania and will concede it offers some advantages, such as lower taxes, a major league baseball team, and… no, I guess that’s it.   I grew up on a steady diet of sugary breakfast cereals and may be the only person living who still mourns the loss of E.T. Cereal.   I’m also old enough to remember when Roy Rogers was a dominant fast food chain in the east and you couldn’t find a Wendy’s to save your life.
 
In college I double majored in English and Swim Team, which turbocharged my metabolism and allowed me to eat any and all junk food that didn’t run away from me.   Little did I know this would provide excellent practice for a future with The Impulsive Buy.   Prior to joining TIB, my main blogging experience has been with cult movie website Mutant Reviewers From Hell; so if I ever get confused and start bitching about the weak direction and shoddy acting in those Four Cheese Hot Pockets, you’ll know why.   In my spare time I enjoy reading and not having any spare time because I have an adorable 2-year-old daughter and another on the way.   They will someday read this and wonder why daddy uses all those words they’re not allowed to say.
 
That’s about it, except to say I’m excited to be writing for The Impulsive Buy, and I hereby vow not to wuss out in my reviewing duties.   The way I see it, if there isn’t a decent chance I’m going to regret having eaten it afterward, it probably isn’t worth reviewing.   Join me, won’t you?