Allow me to reintroduce myself. My name is Hov’.

Ah jeez, sorry about that. I’m using speech-to-text to write this bio and it just picked up the Jay-Z song I was listening to.

My name is actually Vin. Vincent, if you’re my mother. Vince, if you’re my old baseball coaches. Vinny, if you’re everyone else, despite me never once introducing myself that way. You guys can call me whatever you like, just try to keep it PG…and don’t call me Vinny.

I grew up in the NY/NJ/Conneticut Tri-state area, which as we all know, is a hotbed for great culinary…things. I have a way with words as you’ll soon find out. I was born in Brooklyn, and relocated to the Jersey Shore where I’ve remained ever since. Throw all your preconceived notions out the door; the Jersey Shore is everything like the show of the same name.

While I’ve been frequenting the East Coast’s…nay, the country’s best delis and pizza places since I was a baby, I appreciate all foods equally. I’ll get a deluxe Italian at New York’s top delicatessen, then hit Subway for a cardboard and shredded lettuce footlong on the drive home. I can eat a slice of pepperoni at a place called Nunzio’s then turn around and slam an entire thin crust from Domino’s without so much as a peep. Hell, I’ll even eat a Peep, and those things are made of memory foam and sand.

I absolutely love to cook. I also absolutely love to lie. Store bought, processed foods are my everything. I anticipate the release of new Doritos flavors like expectant parents anticipate their first born. A nutritionist once saw my cart at the supermarket and ran out of the place in hysterics. She hasn’t been seen since. Come home Carolyn, your family misses you.

But, seriously, I love to write, and I love to eat. I have an impeccable palate and my taste buds are insured for $2 million by Lloyd’s of London, so you can trust my reviews. I promise to try my best and steer you in the right direction when it comes to what snack impulses to respond to.

Hello, Foods and Foodettes!

My name is Anthony and I am proud to announce my impending reign of terror against the world of The Impulsive Buy!

I’ve never been good at this whole “quick autobiography” thing, but Marvo gets what Marvo wants, so here goes nothing.

I was born in a country bumpkin town called Los Angeles nearly two decades ago, and when not spending my time running marathons (okay, fine – one marathon, once) and yelling Simpsons quotes in busy subway stations, I enjoy the hell out of a good processed meal.

Marie Callender’s is like a mother to me, if my mother enjoyed hanging out in freezers. I’ve gone to a rave with both Breyers AND Dreyer’s. And Burger King…meh, I don’t really care for Burger King.

But I’ll gladly give their foods a try, in the name of quasi-food reviewing. It can’t be too bad.

Can it?

But who I am isn’t what matters. I’m just excited to finally get a chance eat junk food and write about it. I’m really looking forward to this!

So here’s to some fun and terrifying food reviews!

Here are the winners for the $15 Little Caesars gift cards:

Kelly

Linda B.

Marc G.

Richard

Congratulations to all the winners!

Thanks to everyone who participated and thanks to Little Caesars for providing the gift cards!

The Impulsive Buy is currently looking for enthusiastic, talented, funny, and self-motivated individuals to write processed food reviews. We hope to bring on a few new contributors to write one or two reviews per month.

It’s a paid gig, but we won’t say here how much we pay per review. However, we can say it’s enough for you to have a small pizza party.

If you would like to apply for the position, here’s what you’ll need to send:

1. One sample review in TIB format (nutrition facts, rating, price, pros, cons, etc at the bottom). The review must be a new product. The sample review will help us determine if your writing style would be a good fit. The sample review must somewhere between 400-600 words (not including nutrition facts, rating, price, pros, cons, etc at the bottom).

2. Photo(s) of the product you reviewed. (High quality versions, please!)

3. A bio that includes why you want to write for The Impulsive Buy.

A Few Notes:

1. We’re not only judging you on your review, but also your photos to see your photography skills (Tip: lighting will help your photos a lot) and how you write your bio (Tip: have fun writing it).

2. Due to legal reasons, we can’t hire anyone under the age 18.

3. At this time, we’re only looking for writers located in the United States.

4. Please don’t send your review and bio as an attachment. Copy and paste them into your email. Photos will be sent as attachments.

To apply, please email your sample review, pictures, and bio to [email protected] with “BOOM! POW! SPLAT!” in the subject line. We will stop accepting applicants on March 31 at 11:59 p.m. HST.

If you have any questions, please feel free to email me.

Thank you.

Marvo
Editor