ANNOUNCEMENT: New Impulsive Buy Writer Brandon

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Hello fellow fast-foodies! My name is Brandon and I have been tasked with the immense responsibility of going out into the world and trying so-called junk food. Too long have we lived in a world where the art of food criticism is reserved only to the realm of high-price gourmet. The selections of grocery store snack shelves and fast food windows may be cheap, and they may be mostly controlled by giant multinational companies, but these items deserve our respect!

Okay so maybe I don’t take fast food quite that seriously, but I sure do love indulging in the cheap, naughty, and quick. If you eat a lot of snack/junk food like me you know there is no worse feeling the dropping than dropping $5.50 for Carl’s Jr.’s latest burger offering only to realize that the burger is called the Bacon Threeway, includes bacon jam, and is absolutely disgusting. I throw away unfinished fast food burgers so you don’t have to.

Why I’m doing this? I just love to write, and I love junk food. I love it all, but I guess if I had to choose I’d say my favorite is anything that involves a fried potato. As a native from Boise, Idaho, I feel I have something of a sacred providence over all things potato. A Boise company provides, McDonald’s with all their fries after all.

I have a fine arts degree in creative writing, and when I’m not stuffing fried potatoes into my mouth I’m using the same greasy fingers to write poetry and fiction. So if my review for a bag of potato chips somehow morphs into a short story about the family of oddly shaped potato chips that live in the bag, try to bare with me. I’m sure I can come up with an ending where I brutally murder them all with my molars, so that I can actually explain what they taste like.

2016 SEASON OF GIVING (DAY 12): Mystery Gift Card

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To be honest, I didn’t know what store or restaurant gift card we would be giving away on the 12th and final day of The Impulsive Buy’s 2016 Season of Giving. But after some last minute shopping and several minutes staring at the gift card endcap at a local grocery store, I picked one up.

The thing is, I’m not going to tell you what store or restaurant it’s from. I’m not even going to tell you how much is on the gift card. But I will say, but I will say.

RULES:

To enter this prize drawing for the Mystery Gift Card, leave a comment with THIS post. You can write whatever you want, but please don’t forget to fill out the email field because we’ll be emailing the randomly selected winner for his or her mailing address.

We will stop accepting entries on December 26, 2016 at 12:00 a.m. Hawaii Standard Time (2:00 a.m. Pacific, 5:00 a.m. Eastern). Only one comment allowed per person, and it’s only open to U.S. residents 18 years old or older.

Good luck!

FINE PRINT: The Impulsive Buy promises your email address will not be used to send you emails about how you can apply for umbrella insurance from a company you’ve never heard of before. The Impulsive Buy also promises your mailing address will not be used to send you glitter in an envelope, most of which will end up on the floor when you open it. Bribes will not be accepted. The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible for lost mail or damaged mail.

2016 SEASON OF GIVING (DAY 11): $5 Walmart Gift Card

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The card above is the one the winner will receive. Yes, it’s a gift card for Valentine’s Day. No, the Walmart I went to didn’t have any gift cards with holiday designs. It didn’t even have cards with “Congratulations” or “Happy Birthday.” So if you happen to be the winner of this card, I want to let you know that I do love you, but not in THAT way.

RULES:

To enter this prize drawing for a $5 Walmart Gift Card, leave a comment with THIS post. You can write whatever you want, but please don’t forget to fill out the email field because we’ll be emailing the randomly selected winner for his or her mailing address.

We will stop accepting entries on December 25, 2016 at 12:00 a.m. Hawaii Standard Time (2:00 a.m. Pacific, 5:00 a.m. Eastern). Only one comment allowed per person, and it’s only open to U.S. residents 18 years old or older.

Good luck!

FINE PRINT: The Impulsive Buy promises your email address will not be used to send you emails about how you can apply for an auto warranty. The Impulsive Buy also promises your mailing address will not be used to send you a holiday card with me, my wife, and our dogs dressed up as bananas with the words “Hap-peel Holidays” underneath the photo. Bribes will not be accepted. The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible for lost mail or damaged mail.

2016 SEASON OF GIVING (DAY 10): $5 Burger King Gift Card

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Burger King had an amazing year, if by “amazing year” means a bunch of products that made folks say “WTF” or odd enough that they ended up being mentioned during your local news because they needed to fill 15-30 seconds. Here’s a list of the most interesting products from the fast food chain this year:

March 2016 – Angriest Whopper with a red bun
April 2016 – Chicken Fries Rings
May 2016 – Whopper Dog
June 2016 – Mac n Cheetos
August 2016 – Whopperrito
September 2016 – Cheetos Chicken Fries

RULES:

To enter this prize drawing for a $5 Burger King Gift Card, leave a comment with THIS post. You can write whatever you want, but please don’t forget to fill out the email field because we’ll be emailing the randomly selected winner for his or her mailing address.

We will stop accepting entries on December 24, 2016 at 12:00 a.m. Hawaii Standard Time (2:00 a.m. Pacific, 5:00 a.m. Eastern). Only one comment allowed per person, and it’s only open to U.S. residents 18 years old or older.

Good luck!

FINE PRINT: The Impulsive Buy promises your email address will not be used to send you emails about hair care products made from aloe vera. The Impulsive Buy also promises your mailing address will not be used to send you empty USPS Priority Mail Flat Rate boxes. Bribes will not be accepted. The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible for lost mail or damaged mail.

ANNOUNCEMENT: New Impulsive Buy Reviewer Chris

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As a child, I was a product of cable TV, reruns, and the finest DSL internet access the fine folks at MSN could provide.

My parents did everything they could to avoid me turning into a total couch potato. They’d encourage me to play outside, despite our small Oregon town’s constant rain and lack of residents under the age of 50. Console video games were forbidden. But most critically of all, they limited fast food trips to once a week – Friday nights. What was at the time a sensible step to teach dietary responsibly, created something of a pavlovian link in my brain. McDonalds french fries, Taco Bell nacho cheese, and Burgerville milkshakes were more than food – they were the harbinger of weekend joy.

Considering I’m now being paid to review both junk food and video games, I guess my parents’ efforts didn’t exactly produce the intended outcome.

My fascination with junk food is always about the cutting edge, and items than transcend cliche. I’ve personally guzzled back gallons of Mountain Dew Game Fuel, without a hint of irony. Anytime I catch wind of a new Ben And Jerry’s Flavor or ludicrous Burger King sandwich, a hunger forms in my curious soul. Call it a hobby, an obsession, or just a poorly-justified eating disorder – I’m a sucker for the junk food industry’s cynical appeals. A good gimmick will never fail to grab my attention.

That force is what pulled me to The Impulsive Buy, of which I’ve been a regular reader for years. Checking out new Spotted on Shelves posts is a near-daily habit of mine, and have had a serious impact on my grocery habits. Joining the site as a reviewer is tremendously exciting. It’s a little bit like being asked to join The Avengers, if Thor was more concerned about fried chicken than defending Asgard.

As a contributor, I vow to put my taste buds on the line to get you all the #HotTakes on hot cakes, the rapid reactions on ramen, and a third pseudo-pun about reviews of fast food items.

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