REVIEW: Limited Edition Sour Patch Kids Oreo Cookies

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Oreo cookies? Great.

Sour Patch Kids? Great.

Frosted Flakes? They’re gr-r-reat, but they have nothing to do with this review. This review is for Sour Patch Kids Oreo. Surely, that combo couldn’t possibly be great, right?

We’ve reached the “dart throwing” phase of Oreo flavor variants. While those kids from the sour patch have invaded cereal and ice cream recently, I didn’t have Oreo on my Sour Patch Bingo card.

These bizarre confections are starting to pop up in stores. I was able to snag a 4-pack at 7-Eleven, and I’m thankful that’s all I got. Like actual kids, I think four is the absolute max anyone can handle.

Both the cookies and the crème are speckled with colorful Sour Patch Kid-flavored dots, which, unfortunately, aren’t chewy. They mimic the crystalized sugar that coats the kids.

The sour batch of sour patch smells really good fresh from the package, but nothing like a cookie. It’s Sour Patch by way of Pixie Stick. If you’re wondering why I know the distinct smell of Pixie Sticks… let’s just say I was a Very Dumb Kid, and some Pixie Sticks may have made their way into my nasal cavity.

The Oreo cookie has a bit of a graham flavor, but I don’t think the SPK flecks really come through with much flavor. It’s a hint –- the ghost of a Sour Patch Kid. Innocence lost.

The flecks in the crème, however, definitely pop, but they’re sour, so it’s kind of off-putting. Something about a simulacrum of a dairy product being sour just doesn’t sit right. As far as the actual flavor, it reminded me of sour orange sherbet more than anything, but I think most people would know these are Sour Patch-inspired.

Once I ate the cookie whole, I came up with a weird overall flavor and texture profile in my head. Picture a package of Fun-Dip, but for some reason, the powder got moist and turned into a goopy mud. That. Why that? I don’t know, but even the bland cookie acts as a little bit of a sour neutralizer like the Fun-Dip stick does.

I don’t think these are very successful as a flavor, but as a gimmick… sure, why not? It’s fun. It’s weird.

I definitely think orange is the fruit flavor that comes to the forefront, so just picture orange Sour Patch Kids and bland Teddy Grahams in one bite. A kid would probably like that, no?

I have to add the fact that the aftertaste on these is kinda awful. Malic acid just lingers on the side of your tongue. SPKs are supposed to be sour and THEN sweet, but here, it’s the opposite. The sourness gets more and more pronounced as you chew, and it takes a while to dissipate.

So, not great, but probably the best they could’ve done. If you’re interested, just go to 7-Eleven like I did. Wait until the dart hits Frosted Flake Oreo Cookies to get a family pack.

Purchased Price: $1.99
Size: 2.40 oz package
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 4 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (1 Pack/4 Cookies) 290 calories, 13 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 gram of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 150 milligrams of sodium, 42 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 24 grams of sugar, and less than 2 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Burger King Frozen Cotton Candy Cloud

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Am I the only one noticing weird weather in the forecast?

It’s almost May, and my weather app says it’s gonna be ice-cold and cloudy. Not only does it say Wednesday is gonna be, what I can only assume is some kind of crazy weather phenomenon, a “Whopper?” Is that a new meteorology term or—ya know what? This is the Burger King app. I’m in the Burger King app. False alarm, everybody.

We good? Ok!

Burger King has a new Frozen Cotton Candy Cloud that is a perfect treat for my actual weather forecast, which looks quite idyllic. The Cotton Candy Cloud is essentially a slush with Burger King’s answer to a coffee shop “cold foam.”

The base drink here is described as a “blue raspberry cotton candy frozen beverage,” but ignore the “blue raspberry” because I think it only applies to the color. It tastes like cotton candy. I never really even clocked any blue raspberry flavor, so if it’s there, it’s negligible.

The slush has a surprisingly soft cotton candy flavor. I expected it to be a lot more cloying. This might be obscure, but it reminded me of the Cotton Candy Swirl ice pops I got from ice cream trucks as a kid. Anything that reminds me of ice cream trucks of my youth gets an instant bump from me. If I could, I would wallpaper my house with photos of all the old Good Humor offerings.

The slush would be just fine on its own, but it’s the “cloud” that really puts it over the top, which might be an intended pun? I don’t know.

The cloud is vanilla ice cream, but the consistency lands somewhere between a milkshake and a cold foam you’d get from Starbucks or Dunkin’. It was the ideal viscosity to plop on an iced drink like this. Vanilla bled into the cotton candy ice, but the cloud managed to mimic its namesake and just float there until I finally decided to mix it in. Apologies for using the words “viscosity,” “plop,” and “bled.”

The churned-in vanilla turned the drink into an icy cotton candy cream milkshake and made for a delicious dessert to my Crispy Royal Wrap that tasted like a deep-fried eraser.

So, this is a cotton candy slush that is not quite like a cold foam coffee and not quite like a soda float, but somewhere in the middle. I would actually love to try this “cloud” in a soda and a coffee to see if it keeps the form it had with the slush.

Did I get brain freeze? Yes.

Did this turn my tongue a little blue? Yep.

Did it give me stomach problems? Sure did.

But did it fill a void in my life I desperately needed to fill? No. It did not.

It’s good though! I knew it would be when the kid at the drive-thru window told me I made “the right choice.” Who knows better than him?

I played a game in the app (horribly, I might add) and got a “free” medium Cotton Candy Cloud with a $1 purchase. Otherwise, it’s $1.49 for a limited time, which is still a great deal. Grab one on the next beautiful day and enjoy yourself.

Purchased Price: $1.49 in the app (probably considerably more without it)
Size: Medium
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 8 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 250 calories, 9 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 120 milligrams of sodium, 10 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 42 grams of sugar, and 0 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Gatorade Water

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“If you want a revolution, the only solution, evolve.”

Sage advice from an extremely catchy tune Gatorade used in ads about a decade ago.

Fast forward to today annnnd I guess the revolution is over, because… Gatorade. Water.

Gatorade Water? That’s devolution!

Step aside Fierce Grape, Riptide Rush, and Frost Glacier Freeze. There’s a new Gatorade flavor in town – nothing. Some ad wizard probably made your yearly salary (x10) to come up with that.

Do you love electrolytes but hate fun? Well, Gatorade Water might just be for you.

Have you ever known someone who’s always had a beard, but then they shave their beard, and then you see their clean-shaven face sans beard, and you think, “Oooof, you shoulda kept the beard?” Gatorade Water.

What’s next, Ben & Jerry’s milk?! Lay’s potatoes? … I’d try ’em both.

Ok, ok, I’ll stop being so cynical. After all, there’s some merit to Gatorade Water. I’m not gonna act like it’s the first bottled alkaline water with electrolytes. There’s clearly a market for this. Smartwater exists, but I still can’t shake the fact this feels dumb.

It’s kinda hard to review water. It’s water. I know there is literally at least one water sommelier out there who would disagree, but H2O is H2O.

Everyone knows someone who insists they can tell the difference between waters, but I guarantee if they were put to the test and blindfolded, that claim would be proven false. Anyway, I’m one of those people now. They’re all liars, but I’m not. I can tell the difference. I don’t think this is very good water.

I’m a Poland Spring loyalist, and when comparing that “pure spring water” to this, I could really tell the difference. This has that dull “dryness” on the finish that I can only assume is from the bit of alkaline and sodium used to lyte up the electros. I can’t really explain it, but I think it’s a common complaint people have with Aquafina, Dasani, or possibly both.

For some reason, I feel like this type of water can never get truly cold or refreshing. I had it in the fridge for a good 36 hours, and it just never got above “slightly chilled.” Does any of this make sense?

Perhaps it has to do with the pH of 7.5 “or higher?” I don’t actually know what that means for drinking water, but I guess it’s not “Planet Hollywood.” Quick Googling seems to indicate that 7.5 is about right for most water.

I drank this at the gym, and it just didn’t stack up to my usual Poland Spring. I also didn’t stack up, as I was pumping weights so tiny that one particularly nosy trainer asked me if I “tore my rotator cuff or something?”

Gatorade Water has “what plants crave,” but I, a “human man,” wasn’t invigorated like I would’ve been if I swigged on a flavored Gatorade or my usual cold Poland Spring. This is just dry tepid nothing. The bottle is sleek and has a solid cap construction, though. I’ll give it that.

Look, it’s water. Am I being too hard on water? Perhaps, but there are plenty of other waters and sports drinks that are better than this, so I say don’t even bother. You can always just have what I’m having – Hatorade.

Purchased Price: $1.99
Size: 23.7 Fl. Oz.
Purchased at: ShopRite
Rating: 4 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 0 calories, 0 grams of fat, 65 milligrams of sodium, 0 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 0 grams of sugar, and 0 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Wendy’s Orange Dreamsicle Frosty

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This is how I imagine the inevitable ad for Wendy’s new Orange Dreamsicle Frosty is gonna go:

Kathryn – “Ever since Wendy’s introduced the new Orange Dreamsicle Frosty, Tyler has been dreaming up some new squad names.”

Tyler – “Hey Willie, since nothing rhymes with ‘orange,’ we should be the ‘Cream Team.'”

Then Willie just Jim Halperts to the camera and continues helping a customer.

Toby – “What about me? I wanna be on the Cream Team. It’s my CREAM DREAM! Haven’t you guys ever had a cream drea–”

Willie – “DON’T say it again.”

Then Toby awkwardly eats an Orange Dreamsicle Frosty before you realize you’re watching the DVR and can fast-forward through the rest of the commercials.

Tell me you don’t want an Orange Dreamsicle Frosty now! I had one, and it’s good!

Wendy’s is killing it with their Frosties lately. Vanilla was a winner, naturally. I really liked the Pumpkin Spice, and I gave Peppermint a 10! The only newer flavor I didn’t love was Strawberry. I thought it needed to be sweeter.

Well, sweetness is where the Orange Dreamsicle Frosty excels. I’m sure you’re familiar with Good Humor. You’re not getting any of that from my review, but you’ve probably had a Good Humor Creamsicle at some point in your life. I think Wendy’s has improved on that iconic flavor.

They nailed the balance of orange and vanilla here. The orange is vibrant and candylike but not citrusy or sour. It’s very pronounced on the nose, but it soon melds with the really soft vanilla flavor that chases it. It’s just the right level of sweetness, definitely less cloying than the ice cream bar that inspired it.

There’s also something about these two flavors that works so well with the Frosty texture. I’ve gone over it before – it’s not a shake, it’s not ice cream, it’s just an icy grainy concoction that lives somewhere in the middle. I don’t know how they do it, but even the temperature is perfect. I took a big spoonful and then a couple swigs and never even worried about potential brain freeze.

I got a Dave’s Double for $2 because of a March Madness promotion in the app and compensated by only getting a Junior Frosty. I wish I got a medium instead and opted for a $1 Dave’s Single. Either way, it’s a great pairing.

So yeah, this is an ideal flavor to usher in the spring. Next time you’re in the mood for ice cream, a shake, or an ice cream and shake-adjacent modern marvel of food science, just go to Wendy’s.

I’m already bummed this won’t be a permanent menu item. While I clearly love these seasonal Frosties, I need more than two options at a time. I’m not telling Wendy’s to retrofit all of their restaurants with a 10-tap Frosty machine… no, actually I am. Do that, Wendy. I want a full range of Frosty flavors at my disposal at all times, and don’t forget the Wendy’s Blendies™.

Purchased Price: $1.29
Size: Junior
Rating: 9 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 200 calories, 5 grams of fat, 0 gram of trans fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 20 mg of cholesterol, 100 milligrams of sodium, 35 grams of total carbohydrates, 31 grams of sugars, 0 grams of fiber, and 5 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Lay’s Sweet & Spicy Honey Potato Chips

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Hot honey is taking over.

We’ve got hot honey chicken, hot honey pizza, hot honey pretzels, and hot honey buns. Actually, I don’t know about that one. Do hot honey buns exist? Has Little Debbie ventured into the world of hot honey buns yet? I wanna Google, “Little Debbie’s Hot Honey Buns,” but I’m afraid I’ll get put on a list.

Ya know what? I’m just gonna drop this train of thought and … oh hot honey chips! Those exist too. Herr’s makes ’em. Utz makes ’em. Pringles had some delicious hot honey crisps, so it’s no shocker that Lay’s has joined the fray with Sweet & Spicy Honey Chips.

The bag boasts, “Sweet. Spicy. Golden. Crunch,” and I’m not one to argue with a bag.

I’ll get to the first three words, but first, I wanna highlight the fourth word because the crunch might be the standout. By all accounts, they’re standard Lay’s chips, but I swear they’re crunchier. They’re not kettle, but if a chip could exist somewhere between regular and kettle, that’s these, and I love it. I don’t think it was a freshness issue. These felt like Lay’s tweaked its iconic recipe.

As for the flavor – I say this as a culinary inept American dude – I think it leans into a Chinese-inspired territory. Something about the combination of the spicy pepper and vague sweetness instantly made me think of Chinese flavors.

Even the red, scaly bag design made me think along those lines. If you told me these chips were limited edition “Year of the Dragon: Spicy Szechwan” flavored Lay’s, I wouldn’t argue.

The chips hit you with a mildly sweet honey flavor on the nose, then quickly chase that with a tolerable heat ideal for sustained snacking. I always rate spicy snacks on the “Flamin’ Hot” scale, and these probably reach about 80% of that.

I’ll say this, while they don’t exactly taste the same, all I thought about were Spicy Sweet Chili Doritos. In fact, I was bummed I wasn’t eating said Doritos, the G.D.O.A.T. Purple bag supremacy, no other flavor stacks up. Don’t @ me.

Using my confusing percentages again, I’d say the flavor here lands at about 63.7% on the Doritos Spicy Sweet Chili scale I just made up that will now be used to rate all food from now on.

Lay’s Sweet & Spicy Honey Potato Chips are solid but should’ve been sweeter. I’d actually probably like a bit more heat as well. They taste like a “lite” version of what the flavors should’ve been.

The ingredients list Cheddar, Monterey Jack and Swiss Cheese, but they aren’t cheesy. I tried to force a cheese flavor to manifest but to no avail. I still remain a little stumped by the ingredients.

So yeah, these aren’t bad. I got a little indigestion, but I loved the texture and liked the flavor. For all I know, I just had a weird bag, but they’re good overall. They’d probably go great crunched up inside a sandwich.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m… I’m gonna Google it. Curiosity killed the fat.

Purchased Price: $4.29
Size: 7 3/4 oz bag
Purchased at: Shop Rite
Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (15 Chips) 150 calories, 10 grams of fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 mg of cholesterol, 140 milligrams of sodium, 16 grams of total carbohydrates, 2 grams of total sugars, 1 gram of fiber, and 2 grams of protein.

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