REVIEW: Awesome Sauce Goldfish Crackers

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If there are two things the internet loves, it’s tier lists and sauces. That’s it – just those two things. Nothing more.

Don’t act like you’ve never glared at a fifteen-minute YouTube video of some dork ranking their favorite… I don’t know, band-aid shapes and raged out when they put “butterfly” in the C-tier. That’s a great functional shape! Who is this hypothetical fool I’m inventing out of thin air?!

Then you’ve got the social media sauce epidemic we’ve been living in for the past decade. Every “viral” sandwich, burger, burrito, etc, looks delicious… until it’s smothered with a waterfall of multi-colored sauces. Who’s eating these wet disasters?! A little dab’ll do ya!

So, in honor of the internet’s two biggest (fact-checked) obsessions, I decided to make my own sauce tier list. Rapid fire, ready:

S-Tier – None.

Yeah, that’s as far as I got. I don’t have a favorite sauce. I’m desperately seeking a favorite sauce to fill my S(auce)-tier. If only there were a new sauce out there to knock my socks off, a great sauce, maybe even an… oh, hey, Goldfish has a new “AWESOME Sauce” flavor. Let’s do it.

If you’re like me, seek help, but also, you’re probably wondering what “awesome sauce” is. I ate two handfuls, and I’m still curious.

Pepperidge Farm doesn’t even know, as the bag reads, “Sweet, smoky, tangy… Awesome. The taste that’s hard to describe and impossible to resist.”

I agree with half of that statement. They’re hard to describe but quite easy to resist.

My initial assumption was that these would be a generic “burger sauce.” I think I was hoping for that because deep down, I feared what was coming, and let’s just say it’s a flavor that would probably land on my C tier – Chick-fil-A sauce.

I know people swear by it, but you can keep Chick-fil-A sauce. I think it’s a strange concoction that isn’t better than the individual sum of its parts. I’m pretty sure that’s what they’re going for.

Initially, these taste like a sweet-ish BBQ sauce, and right when you start to enjoy that, the tang gets a bit vinegary, and if you start to enjoy that, the flavor flat-out dies in a time span shorter than a real goldfish’s memory.

This is one of the worst Goldfish crackers I’ve ever had, even beyond the flavor itself. The cracker is so bland and… crackery. As dumb as it sounds, it’s the first time I’ve ever been cognizant of the cracker. I’ve never gotten that from other varieties because the flavors persist.

I mean, I can’t argue with the bag; these are sweet, smokey, and tangy. They would’ve been quite good if they were also a little spicy. They could’ve been saltier too.

I can’t say these are awesome. They’re not awe-ful, but I’m not a big fan. If you love Chick-fil-A sauce, you’ll probably wanna catch ’em all, but again, it’s one of the quickest flavor drop-offs I can remember in a savory snack like this. These probably should’ve been “Flavor Blasted.”

D-tier confirmed.

Purchased Price: $2.99
Size: 6.1 oz.
Purchased at: Shop Rite
Rating: 4 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (53 pieces) 140 calories, 5 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 300 milligrams of sodium, 20 grams of total carbohydrates, 0 grams of total sugars, less than 1 gram of dietary fiber, 2 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Cheez-It Pizza

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I’m not breaking any new ground by saying that even the worst pizza is still pretty good.

Your local pizza joint? Pretty good. Pizza Hut? Pretty good. Those little plastic rectangles they force-fed you in elementary school? Pretty good. Pizza in the morning, pizza in the evening, pizza at supper time! When pizzas are on a bagel, it’s still pretty good.

I love pizza… butttttt, I’ve never been much of a thin crust guy. Outside of Domino’s, I don’t even really eat it. I’m actually on record saying, “I don’t want pizza on a cracker.” Well, that changed the second I found a frozen pizza that was literally on a cracker. The cracker in question? You know it’s Cheez-It, so why teez-it?

“Take a Cheez-It, freeze it, and then Pizz-it.” – some marketing guy, probably.

Cheez-It Pizzas come in three flavors — Pepperoni, Cheddar Jack Supreme, and Italian Four Cheese — and are available nationwide. I opted for the Four Cheese, which has whole milk mozzarella, parmesan, yellow cheddar, and Romano… and Cheez-It, so technically, it’s Five Cheese. Semantics.

Right out of the box, the pizza smelled like Cheez-Its, so it was a great start. The baking instructions said to cook the pie at 450 degrees for 8-10 minutes, but as a lover of Extra Toasty Cheez-Its, I defied their orders and set the timer for 11.

I’m not one for rules – not even these pizza rules everybody apparently knows about. It’s a good thing I didn’t stop at just one bite; otherwise, this review would have been a dud because the first bite didn’t pop.

I had flashbacks to the Cheez-It collab at Taco Bell, where I thought the Cheez-It was lost entirely within the Crunchwrap. I was ready to say something snippy like, “This pizza puts the ‘ick’ in ‘gimmick.'” Good thing I didn’t say that, though, because it’s not funny at all.

It grew on me. After one square, I ate four more—one for each cheese. The cheeses had a really nice flavor, but they kind of blended into a generic, chewy “pizza cheese” taste. Parmesan stood out the most.

At first, I wasn’t getting anything more than crisp from the Cheez-It, but by square three, the Cheez-It flavor was firmly there. The crust tastes like 75% of a Cheez-It.

Honestly, this is just a hot, overly salted, cheesy cracker, and I think that’s fine.

There isn’t enough marinara, though. Maybe the extra minute in the oven evaporated the sauce, but it’s dry, and I’m not even a guy who likes a super saucy slice. I’m not even a guy. I’m a child eating Cheez-It Pizza.

I ate half the pie, and I was satisfied. I air-fried the other half the next day and was equally satisfied. It wasn’t even that far off from a Domino’s Thin Crust, but like takeout pizza, I think I prefer my frozen pizza like I hate my stomach – doughy.

It’s not delivery. It’s not even DiGiorno\*. It’s decent. It’s a snack, not a meal.

So yeah, I’ve had worse. I don’t even know you, and I know you have too. It’s technically pizza, and as we all know, all pizza is pretty good.

*This is from Palermo’s. Until writing this review, I literally thought this was a collaboration with DiGiorno because of the box design, but it’s not DiGiorno, it’s Deceptive!

Purchased Price: $8.99
Size: 16.85 oz.
Purchased at: ShopRite
Rating: 6 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (1/4 Pizza) 320 calories, 18 grams of fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 45 milligrams of cholesterol, 850 milligrams of sodium, 25 grams of total carbohydrates, 2 grams of total sugars, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 15 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Pop-Tarts Frosted Strawberry Ice Cream Sandwiches

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It’s the biggest news in Pop-Tarts since Jerry Seinfeld inexplicably got every comedian on Earth to appear in a movie about the great toaster pastry war of the 1960s. Have you seen that movie? To misuse Jerry’s iconic joke set-up, “What’s goin’ on with this?!” (We have to pay him royalties if we use the real line.)

That extremely strange film aside, I’ve got a better question for ya — Have you seen these new Pop-Tarts Ice Cream Sandwiches? Well, let me tell ya what’s goin’ on with this!

Whether you’re a toasted Pop-Tart fan or a “straight out the box” Pop-Tart fan, I’m afraid you’ve been living a lie because Pop-Tarts taste best frozen.

Frozen Pop-Tarts are my jam (pun probably intended), and I think the good folks over at Kellogg finally had the same realization. A frozen Pop-Tart is the best Pop-Tart. Now, picture two frozen Pop-Tarts with some ice cream between them. To quote Cosmo Kramer, “Ohhhh, mama!”

Yeah, despite having a box of P-T’s in my freezer next to some ice cream numerous times, I never once thought to combine the two. It took this drop to make me realize I’ve been missing out for years.

Do they live up to the hype I literally just created in my head?

Yup. These sammiches are really good, but they’re pretty small. If you want the “Big Pop-Tart,” you’re gonna have to go to Monk’s Cafe. They must have been in the pool, because we’ve got a little shrinkage happening. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Seinfeld!

I’ll get my one knock out of the way and say that the size actually acts as a deterrent. These aren’t the most satisfying bites. When I freeze my Tarts, I find that the icing and the filling develop a really pleasant chewy texture. With these adorable mid-sized pastries, there’s not enough of those elements, so the crumby bready part kinda just tastes like a dry Pop-Tart. These Pop-Tarts… are making me thirsty!

That’s a nitpick because, beyond that, I really like these. They’re building off the iconic Strawberry Frosted Pop-Tart and slapping in some light Strawberry ice cream that’s not as cloyingly sweet as you’re probably expecting.

The little block of ice cream is a great mimic of the Strawberry Pop-Tart flavor, even down to the strawberry jelly ribbons that play on the filling. Again, there isn’t much, so, no scoop for you! … but there’s enough. Anything more would have been overkill.

So yeah, mini Pop-Tarts don’t make for the best ice cream sandwich bread, but the flavor is good enough to make up for it. If you have even a little love for Strawberry Pop-Tarts, these should be right up your alley. You won’t be screaming “Serenity Now” after a couple of bites.

Before leaving, I should note that I tried to toast one of these and I would not recommend doing that. It made an absolute mess and ruined my toaster. The cleanup was definitely spongeworthy.

(Might have to pay royalties on that one.)

Purchased Price: $6.87
Size: 16 oz. box/4-pack
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 8 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 230 calories, 9 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 85 milligrams of sodium, 37 grams of total carbohydrates, 19 grams of total sugars, 2 grams of dietary fiber, and 2 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Utz Limited Edition Lemonade Potato Chips

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Who called them “Lemonade Potato Chips” and not “PotADEo Chips?”

Utz. It was Utz. What kinda question was that? You see the picture. I assume your follow-up question is, “Wait, WHY did Utz make a lemonade flavored potato chip?”

Well, Nosy, I’ll tell ya, Utz partnered with Alex’s Lemonade Stand Foundation to support childhood cancer research. It’s for a great cause, larger than all of us. Maybe stop asking so many questions, eh?

Ok, it’s getting a little awkward here between my imaginary friend and me, so I’ll just move on.

Lemonade-flavored chips. On the surface, that does seem strange, but I guess it hinges on your opinion of “sweet” chips. I kinda liked those Lay’s Tootie Frootie Oh Rootie or whatever chips. I love lime tortilla chips. I even kinda dug the Chicken and Waffles Lay’s, so a sweet element in a chip has worked for me. Do these?

Yeah, I think they do. Utz made a serviceable lemonade-flavored potato chip. It all starts with the fact that Utz has a classic potato chip to start with.

These look and smell exactly like regular salted potato chips, with maybe a hint of citrus at the end if your schnoz is up to the task of sniffing it out. Lemon didn’t pop my nostrils like I expected, which was encouraging, because I feared these would be overly artificial.

While I like these overall, it’s a bit of a mixed bag… pun intended, I guess. Some chips have a soft sweetness that really pairs well with the salty base chip. Others skip the sweetness entirely and go right to a borderline unpleasant sour blast that lingers a little too long. It’s like one out of every ten chips got dusted with a little too much of that malic acid taste.

The chips themselves are very good, but as I said, I like Utz potato chips. These would be a huge win if each chip had an even coating of salt, sweet lemon, and just a pinch of citric sourness. As they are, I think they’re pretty good. Eat as many chips in one bite as possible to balance the flavors.

I’m not a “finish a bag of chips in one sitting” guy because the grease gets to me, but I polished half the bag of these, only pausing a few times to grimace at the rogue sour chip.

I like ‘em. It’s definitely a good summer chip. I imagine these will have their haters, but I encourage you to pick a bag up, especially with the good cause attached to them.

Lemonade could be the new “hot” trend of the season. It’s a ubiquitous flavor on its own, but we’ve already seen some weird collabs in the chip world, and I shockingly didn’t detest Popeyes’ Pickle Lemonade. If these take off, you can probably expect more brands to milk lemonade for all its worth, and who knows, maybe fudge will be the next seasonal limited edition around the corner.

…I’m sorry. Buy these. Not bad! Good cause!

Purchased Price: $2.94
Size: 7.75 oz. (Family Size)
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 6 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (about 20 chips) 150 calories, 9 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 170 milligrams of sodium, 16 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Popeyes Pickle Lemonade

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When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade.

When life gives you cucumbers, you hesitate for a second; maybe you snicker a bit, but then, you make pickles.

Well, what if life gives you both? It appears life had an encounter with the mad scientists over in Popeyes Louisiana Kitchen, and they decided to kill two hypothetical birds this time and grace the world with something so weird, so wild, so reckless, I had to try it.

Life comes at you fast.

Yeah, that’s right, it’s time for the main event. I know you’ve read all about Popeyes’ new pickle menu, but this is the one you’ve been waiting for. Fried pickles?! Snooze! Pickle wings? Fickle things! A pickle-glazed chicken sandwich? Surely, they jest! It’s all about the pick de resistance. The pick o’ the litter – the Pickle… Lemonade?

So, uh, yeah, this wasn’t great. It’s exactly what you think it is, but… it coulda been worse.

On one hand, it’s vile, and I hate it; on the other hand, it’s fun and mildly drinkable. I’m torn, and I’ll explain why.

Popeyes nails the ratio. It’s a perfect blend of lemon and pickle flavors if that’s your thing. It tastes like “Country Brine Lemonade.” Since pickle juice is such a dominant flavor, it’s probably 75-25 lemonade, but they seem balanced.

Somehow, it transformed from lemon to pickle mid-sip. The initial taste is a mildly sweet lemonade that transitions into a soft pickle flavor. Honestly, I can tell the base lemonade is probably cloyingly sweet from the flavor and the sugar content, and this might have even made it more palatable. The lemonade itself reminded me of Lemonheads before the pickle burst in.

Diluted pickle dominated the smell, but it wasn’t like taking a huff of a jar; it was like Pickle Brine Lite. I guess you can say the experience goes pickle–lemon–pickle, with just a weird amalgamation of both left to linger in the aftertaste.

If you like bread and butter pickles or sweet relish, this really isn’t that bad. Sure, it’s a strange delivery system for those flavors, but the profile is pretty similar. If I had to give a CliffsNote review, I’d just say it tasted like a chunk-less sweet relish. “Mmmmmm, chunk-less sweet relish.”

I truly didn’t hate it, but I didn’t finish it either. It wore out its welcome after about five sips, and at that point, my sandwich was long gone, so I had nothing to cut the sweet and sour with.

It’s not salty either. If you handed this to me and said it was just an “-ade” made from some exotic South American fruit I wasn’t aware of, I’d feel cultured and think it was kinda good.

So, it’s bad… but it’s kinda good for a few sips. It’s worth trying just to say you did. You might even like it. You can even get it frozen, and it pairs well with Popeyes’ Chicken Sandwich, which definitely still hits.

Purchased Price: $3.99
Size: Medium
Rating: 5 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 270 calories, 0 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 380 milligrams of sodium, 71 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 67 grams of sugar, and 0 grams of protein.

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